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My best friend is faking he is straight even though we had sex.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Gay relationships, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 November 2017) 11 Answers - (Newest, 19 December 2017)
A male age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm a bi man and in the last year I've had intimate moments with my best friend, for whom I have always had doubts regarding his orientation. It's true that we have both enjoyed it but recently he seems to distance himself from situations where intimate moments could take place. We are aware of what happened between us, yet, he keeps telling me how much he enjoys sex with women and it's obvious he wants to fake it. I need advice on how to move on from here. It's been months since our last moments of intimation have happened and there is no initiative from him to do this again, neither he shows any interest upon my initiatives to go in that direction. Sometimes i feel i should stop seeing him as it causes me a heartbreak each time we meet, but he is one of the few best friends I have had in my entire life and i don't want to end up being lonely. On the other side, once i try to isolate myself from him, he gets very mad or emotional texting me all the time how much he misses me. Would love to hear from people that have been on the same or similar boat/situation.


View related questions: best friend, move on, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (19 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThanks for the update it is good to hear that you are staying strong and looking after yourself. Remember that you should always put yourself first.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2017):

a quick update. Ive decided to remain distant in order to avoid being hurt. but now it's the other way around. He insists to get intimate whereas I tell him it's over. I am on a good track to persist avoiding intimate situations.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (14 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt seems that you have three choices here:

1. Keep his friendship but say good bye to all the intimate stuff and be strictly friends. The only down side to this option is it can be hurtful if you have stronger feelings for him.

2. Carry on the way you are and keep getting hurt. Being intimate then friends then nothing, it will only keep hurting you .

3. Drop all contact with him, be honest with him tell him it is to hard for you to remain friends with him because you have stronger feelings and then drop all contact.

Personally I feel option three is best for you, because it is clear you have strong feelings and well your friend is confused about his sexuality and what he wants at the moment, the longer you stick around the more hurt you may get.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2017):

Wow some of the users here preaching about you need to stop being judgemental should consider doing the same. Although I agree with many of their points, I think there's a way of addressing someone in distress WITHOUT sounding like they are REPRIMANDING you like a parent does a child.

The next thing I'd like to tell you is that I am very sorry you're going through this. You are not alone, because there are many of us who have been in that in that situation. And it's not limited to gender or sexual orientation. What happened was a spontaneous moment between you, but there were no deep feelings prior to this moment. What I think happened is you developed feelings afterwards and he did not.

Already said by some, but do yourself a favor, either he stays your friend or distance yourself, the one thing I should say you should keep in mind--this isn't something on a romantic level worth pursuing. You may find yourself wanting him for that one moment you two shared; but this attraction is one way, he doesn't share it. If not he would have expressed it.

Cheer up mate, there are plenty of guys or girls (I can't tell you what you like) that will reciprocate feelings for you. And rather than focus on this one moment, you will find that a person that reciprocates feelings for you in intimacy will definitely be worth pursuing versus a person who does not.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think the two of you NEED to have an ADULT conversation. While he might be touchy-feely and like being around you it doesn't MEAN he wants to have a sexual relationship with you. Maybe he is in denial, maybe he just isn't into sex with you.

You not talking to him for a couple of days can EASILY be seen as "silent treatment" or you ignoring him because you aren't "getting" what you want. Instead, make yourself understood BY using words. If you NEED distance TELL him and TELL him why. Maybe spelling it out will help you both.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 November 2017):

You were like any other "lay." He got what he wanted, and hoped you understood it was just being friends with benefits. There were no romantic or emotional-feelings to be tied to the "hook-up." You both just had a good time.

If it has now become "conditional" that you can only be friends, if he submits to sex; then you've become hopelessly infatuated. Even worse, manipulative! That's your problem, not his!

He may very much prefer sex with women. Are you a mind reader? Even if he's faking, what's it to you? You don't get to decide what he should or shouldn't prefer.

Regardless of what his preferences are, you should respect that he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. He considers you a friend. Messing-around was a bad move!

Even if you happen to seduce him into it again; emotionally, things will remain the same. You would have succeeded at seducing/manipulating him; but you cannot change how he feels about YOU!

Some people are curiously-experimental, some submit under pressure; and some give-in, because their inhibitions have been impaired somehow. If they simply decide it's not for them; then they have as much right as you have not to do it again.

Why? That is irrelevant! Take "NO" for the answer!

You're attempting to emotionally-blackmail your friend into having a full-fledged romantic-relationship with you; by calling him a fake, and questioning his sexual-orientation.

How hypocritical!

Some gay-men doubt the existence of "bisexuality." If you're gay, you're gay! Using the term "bi" is only to avoid being considered gay; and taking on the stigma or stereotypes. If you are male, and like sex with men? That's gay! Women are just your "beards." Straight-men can be "gay-for-pay." It's just a matter of mind-control. I used to have sex with women. Now I have no desire to. I prefer men exclusively!

Why are you turning on him now? Only because he no longer wants sex with you? You don't always get what you want! He'd rather be your friend.

Breakup the friendship and move-along; if you must insist that friendship has to be redefined, and changed into a romantic-relationship. It takes two on the same page!

It was merely a hookup! Nothing more! I hope you can retrain the brain to just remain friends.

In the meantime, stop judging!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2017):

thanks for the answers. trust me i am trying to not think of it. I let days go by just to make him understand I want to remain distant and protect myself from getting hurt and our friendship as well. the fact he gets mad at me trying to run away is what makes me feel lost. i feel he is not really sure what he wants in life. I forgot to mention he gets very feely-touchy at times and says he cant live without me a single day. I hope it is clear what a messy situation it is... thank you for helping me out.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSo stop trying to get intimacy back in the picture. Have a talk and tell him that you "get it" it was a one-off and that you two can continue JUST being friends with no expectations of EVER having intimacy again.

YOU are the one making it awkward.

He doesn't WANT to "go there" again. Or at least not with you.

If you want to keep him around as your best friend STOP trying to initiate SEX and INTIMACY. It's that simple. He wants friendship, you ( I think) want more.

So EITHER you back off with trying to get him to respond to intimacy... OR you let him go totally.

RESPECT the fact that whatever "sexual orientation" he HAS, he doesn't WANT to pursue you in a sexual manner.

If YOU want a BF or casual sex partner... look elsewhere.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2017):

It happens, friends get intimate that one time and feelings develop. It was a once in a life time experience and your bestie still wants to be your bestie. No labels or tags involved, harsh but true. If it ever happens again rethink your friendship.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 November 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI suspect your friend just got carried away and then realized that he does not want to go there again. Like many others, he was curious and tried it. while he may have enjoyed the physical pleasure, he realized it was not for him on a regular basis.

He obviously values you highly as a friend though so, if you want to keep him as a friend, you have to accept that he does not want to be physically intimate with you again. If this hurts you too much, you need to cut all ties and walk away.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (11 November 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

I have not been in the same situation as you, but have known a lot of people like your friend. They were not gay or Bi. Just because some engages in something that they would not normally do, does not label them as such.

I myself if been in a threesome with two females. Although the two girls enjoyed each other immensely, neither of them wanted to live that life. It was just for the pleasure, the rush and excitement.

Your friend could be the same. He could just be curious. Just want the have the rush and excitement of sex. But is he gay?...No. Is he Bi?...No.

It could just boil down to simply getting pleasure.

I understand you may have developed feelings for him, and hope that he wants the same thing as you. But it does not mean he does, and he may not be faking.

Take it for what was...a good time. If it happens again, then just leave it at that.

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