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Moved away from girlfriend and the sister I have feelings for, did I do the right thing?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 April 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, *ipAndWizardly writes:

I started dating my (now ex) girlfriend 4 years ago. She then moved in with her sister last year, which meant I spent alot of time with her and her sister. For 3.5 years I thought I was happy, well content maybe. Then slowly, my girlfriend, over a period of a month or two changed, she seemed to pull away. She lost her motivation for everything and paid more attention to other guys than me, despite me bending over backwards for her, she had almost no cash, so I would buy her shopping and give her money etc. I was rewarded with her snapping at me, ignoring me, her paying attention to other guys while I was standing right there. Basically she acted in a rather douchbag like fashion, not quiet cheating but almost (she played strip pool with a convicted child sex offender... I wish I was joking).

At the same time her sister seemed to step forward and we got on really well. All of a sudden her sister started ticking boxes in me I never knew I had. Her sister even shouted at my girlfriend when she was being horrible to me. I realised for the first time in my life a very real and strong connection had formed, not with my girlfriend but with her sister.

This freaked me out and I tried talking to her sister about it, she didn't say much but I think she was surprised I even spoke to her about it, we both agreed we didn't want to cheat though.

Eventually I had to break up with my girlfriend, just to get away from this poisonious situation, because its a dxxkmove to cheat on your girlfriend with her sister, and that's what my heart kept telling me to do. The break up last 3 days because I chickened out, my desire to spend time with her sister made me make up with my girlfriend, and I fell deeper and deeper. I know this was a mistake.

Then another wierd thing happened, my girlfriends sisters best friend also semed to step forward and started making subtle "your hot" suggestions at me. I of course was polite but didn't react, by this point I was totally in love with my girlfriends sister. And I feel that a persons honour and integrity is one of the few things a person can actually own in life, and I don't give mine away so cheaply.

At new year things went properly south, her sister pulled back majorly (after a suspiciously long car ride with her friends). And my relationship with my girlfriend deteriorated again to new lows, mainly because it started to feel like I was cheating on her sister with my girlfriend. Everyone seemed to get colder and quieter. To the point where the family were actively being borderline cruel/taking advantage of my kindnesses.

I'd had enough, last month I decided I had to go, so I did. I broke up with my girlfriend of four years, I never told her why though, primarily because it would have dropped a massive bomb on thier family, and I don't have the right to do that. I waited, thinking perhaps, her sister would come forward, but she didn't, everything was left unresolved and was left hanging in the breeze, and now I just have a dull pain deep in my chest, an actual physical sensation - never experienced anything like this before :(

I tried everything to get rid of this feeling, but nothing works. In fact the moment I went to see a female friend who arrived from another country her sister removed and blocked me on facebook without explanation, despite her best friend and other family members remaining largely mute but still "friends". This put me in an even worse place mentally.

I've completely lost the relationship part of my life, for reasons that are beyond me! My relationships with my friends and family have suffered and future I thought I had is now gone.

I'm miserable, alone, and every day I think about my ex's sister. Every single day. I had to abandon facebook, because I spent way to much time staring blankly at it. And I can't find someone new because it still feels like I'm cheating. And I can't call or text my ex sister mainly because she made such a noise about desperate guys who text her "I can't stop thinking about you", I know she would just shoot me down. I find myself in a sort of introspective nightmare of psychological torture.

Now all I hear is that song "people fall in love in mysterious ways" over and over on the radio, it plays in shops, it plays on the bus, I hear it on peoples Ipods. The universe is taunting me.

I'm still not sure what happened. I did the right thing?

Right?

View related questions: best friend, broke up, cheap, facebook, money, moved in, my ex, period, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntGood for you OP!

Sometimes people ALREADY know the answer before posting on DC (just like you did) but they NEED to hear someone else say it for it to make sense.

And good luck.

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A male reader, HipAndWizardly United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2015):

HipAndWizardly is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Anonymous,

I read your reply, thanks for your advice. If anything I am more guilty of being emotionally unavailable, than my ex. As I said I'm not perfect. My ex has...other issues. I understand its hard to give good advice without the whole story, you only have my side of it after all. This experience (dear cupid) has helped me step out the situation a little, the wierdness of this whole deal is finally starting to subside, and I feel like I've started moving up again.

Thank you all! For helping be vent and putting this behind me. If anything changes I'll let you know, even if its just: I've found someone else and I am happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015):

Just want to add to what's said after reading your response.

If your father was abusive then this will have given you very dyfunctional messages about your self worth and perception of love (from others to you).

People who suffered abuse from a parent when they were younger learn that the love is not constant and reliable from parent to child and that the child must effectively wait and long for a complete, unconditional love that never comes. Whilst the child is waiting, they do everything possible to get that love and to feel like they are earning and deserving of it. BUT, importantly, it also means that as adults they will gravitate over and over again towards partners and potential partners who are unavaiable emotionally.

With your ex she was definitely emotionally unavailable and sounds like she was emotionally and psychologically abusing you. This you put up with because it was familiar to you way back in childhood (it doesn't matter if the sex of the parent involved was different to the sex of your adult partner). You then also gravitated towards a sister who, above all else, was emotionally unavailable to you as well. The lure with emotionally unavailable people is that they are NOT stone cold robots. They will give just enough to get you hooked OR you LOOK for clues that they are feelings things for you that they just don't feel. You basically start to project a pattern of behaviour onto them that mimicks the abusive parent's behaviour - not in every detail, but just enough to trigger you.

Might be worth getting some counselling to deal with this and help it from happening again.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (29 April 2015):

Garbo agony auntYes, you did the right thing by getting away from that web of calamity. I think that you sure can use some absence of high drama and flush out your infatuation with all these people associated with your ex-GF. There is absolutely nothing that could not should happen between you and your ex's sister for a very long list of reasons. I think you need to stop romanticizing any implied flirting that has ever occurred between you and all the others because given your circumstance none of that would lead to anything meaningful but instead to much worse situation, especially you.

Now that you have removed your GF from your life, work on recollecting yourself so that your next relationship is not driven so much by multiple flirtations, accusations and sheer drama. Good relationships do not have so much drama and so many different people who "step up" and flirt with one another. A good relationship is the one that is completely opposite of what has happened to you. Now that you are free, seek such relationship.

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A male reader, HipAndWizardly United Kingdom +, writes (29 April 2015):

HipAndWizardly is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the answers, It's good to get some feedback from people, women especially, I am not related to. I think the sister is a special person and it's unlikely I'll meet anyone like her again. And yes I understand Im being dense. My head and heart are conflicted over this one, I'm trying to show my heart what my head already knows and fought against.

Even from the beginning my ex girlfriend was a master of subtle sabotage, we met in university and at every exam, every single one, she would find a way to make herself more important than studying. Her own family even called her a "bottom feeder", which is a damning condemnation of me I suppose.

Somehow that family have managed to mess with me even when they are long out the picture. I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, I'll still make mistakes, but I deserve better than whats happened :(

I need to find someone new and ditch this baggage, otherwise it will haunt and ruin a relationship with someone I could meet who is genuine and special.

Thank you for your honesty guys, I think this is just what I needed. I'm just going to do a lot of angry workouts at a gym and get some new activity hobbies, I quiet fancy mountain climbing.

I know I deserve better. I worked hard to get my self though university and educate myself even though I come from an impoverished background with a physically and psychologically abusive father. Sometimes, though gravity is hard to fight.

I think though im going to mourn this for a while. Ive learned so much from this experience, if anything the sister is the benchmark by which all future potential partners will be measured, and on reflection, maybe she wasn't all that great either.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYour ex GF treated you like trash, you broke up with her. YES, you did the right thing.

The sister might have liked you, but she also KNOWS that DATING her sister's ex is a absolute No-No. Not only would her sister get hurt feelings, her family and friends would "hate" on her - her PRIORITY was/is herself and her family, not having a BF.

I think you may have seen the sister in such a lovely light, because your relationship was deteriorating rapidly and your ex-gf was alienating you to a point where you HAD to end it. You think the ex-GF wasn't TRYING to push you away on purpose? I think she was pulling out ALL the douche-moves to MAKE you break up with her. That way... YOU would be the bad guy and people would feel sorry for her, not you.

Work on getting over the ex and accept that the sister... Can't/Won't date you.

I mean you HAVE to be a little dense (pardon me) to not understand going after or yearning after a GF's sister is just not acceptable behavior.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015):

Yes, I believe you did. And, for the record, I believe the sister did as well.

No matter,if you've broken up with her sis now she can NOT take you on, even if she likes you. Impossible.

Reverse it: would you be happy if a brother of yours was dating your ex? For me a friend is ok, but if my own sister/brother pulled this on me, it's a betrayal on a pretty massive scale.

I mean they are your own BLOOD. It just feels icky. A bit like incest...

The only wrong thing you did is allowing yourself (and her) more and more time to get "in love" and NOT allowing yourself to be truly "in love" with anyone else.

Mentally. Even now. You're still doing it. Why?

Allow yourself to IMAGINE a different future WITH somebody else. It is not cheating. You're single.

Yes, the future you imagined is gone, but the only thing stopping you from building a new future is YOU.

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