A
female
age
,
*wat
writes:I am a woman aged 45. I have been married for 25 yrs and I have done a really really stupid thing. I was in my local watering hole recently (my husband had gone home)I was annoyed with him and I was also menstral,hated the world etc. I got so drunk and I ended up kissing a female friend, telling her I wanted to do all these things to her. She was also drunk and her husband was sitting next to her but he didnt seem to mind.I didnt give a thiought to where I was or what I was doing, I dont even remember much about it. The pub was packed with regulars. I am not a lesbian and I have never been with a woman. I cant even remember how the kissing started.I think I/we may have even simulated sex but I cant even be sure on that.The landlord is gunning for me.But worst of all my Husband whom I love very very muchdispises me and wants me to leave our house and wants a divorce. He wont even talk to me. Ive messed up big and I dont know how to put things right.I dont know why I did it but I feel sick thinking about it. Can anyone help? I know I brought this on myself but I dont know why.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Oh well, all of us have done something stupid when we've had a few too many. We've woken up with our heads in our hands shamefully saying 'did I really do that?' To put things right just cut down on your drinking and keep a low profile for the moment. Your partner is probably very embarrassed by it all and giving you a hard time as a punishment so you don't give a repeat performance! Just be so very very nice to everyone and it will blow over. As for the regulars at your local, someone else will be up to something this weekend. So your antics will be all forgotten about when they've got someone else to gossip about. Life's too short to worry what everyone else thinks of us, you didn't commit a crime did you? you weren't arrested by the police? Just chill out and everything will be fine.
A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 I understand your embarrassment, it sounds like you live in a place where people put lots of moral pressure on behaviors, and feelings of having broken societal rules can be very shameful, we are made that way. But, like many others have said here, what you did is not unusual and is not even very bad. It is a little like cheating on your husband, but after 25 yrs of marriage he should know you, love you and give you time to listen (listen to you, not to others) and try to understand. Is his hurt feelings about you kissing someone else or about you doing something he finds immoral? Would he have been less upset if you kissed a man? I think you shouldn’t let yourself down what other people around your place say about you; don’t they have better things to talk about? And what is the thing about the landlord, why is he so upset? What gives him the right to judge you for anything at all? As far as I see it they are behaving a lot more badly than you, you are not even close. They are not better people than you even though mocking you might make them feel they are better.
So, bear your head high, you didn’t do anything bad or immoral and even if you would have, well, then you deserve their forgiveness for being human. Don’t forget who you are and remember you are just as good a person today as before this happened.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 July 2007):
 In the past i too have flirted with a female when i had one too many! I am definately not lesbian/bi curious or anything! I just remember flirting with a girl and saying she was gorgeous enough to turn a straight girl gay!She thought it was hilarious, so did my brother who was with me at the time.I cant to this day think why it happened, and as i say, im perfectly straight!I think once your hubby gets over the shock hopefully he will see it for what it was. The drink talking!Maybe show him the responses on here.All the bestC xxxx
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A
female
reader, h20gal  +, writes (24 July 2007):
 You are not alone, and yes, I agree that many women (myself included) have gotten quite tanked and made out with other women, when otherwise quite straight, thank you. It sounds as if they are acting as if this is some sort of grossly unusual occurrence. Women are more apt to do it, men are usually quite homophobic. Chin up, take your lumps, but don't let them brow-beat you. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. It is just a little unfortunate that this was where everyone knows you. However, life does go on, and you will get past this. One thing I would like to point out to you, as you were obviously intoxicated, how is it that none of your "friends" stepped in to say they would maybe take you home, or perhaps not serve you more alcohol, make sure you sip a glass of water? You were not the only irresponsible person that night, both of the husbands, any nearby friend and the bar share a little of the blame.
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (24 July 2007):
 Your first, and biggest mistake was getting so drunk you couldn't control yourself. Do you have issues with drinking? I don't know if you do, but it's worth honestly asking yourself.
Your second mistake is letting yourself become so ashamed of it that you're making yourself sick. People make mistakes. Sometimes people make big mistakes that can't be resolved. I don't think that's your problem, though. What you did was a little wild and crazy, but you were really drunk. Your husband should not have left you there if you were already past your usual drinking limit.
You didn't actually have sex. You didn't go home with them, right? You stayed in the bar (a public place), you were very drunk, and people were encouraging you to go further than you normally would have.
Yes, you drank way too much that night. You should NOT have done that. Big mistake. Then you kissed/made out with another woman. Not a big deal. Lots of women, who are not lesbians, have kissed/made out with other women. For some silly reason, many (maybe most?) men think it's hot. Drunk women tend to respond to that male attention. Also, it's socially safer for a woman to experiment/kiss another woman than another man.
You can't help the way he's reacting. But, you can help yourself. Admit you had an issue that night with alcohol. But, don't let yourself be overwrought with shame.
Use this event as a jumping point to start therapy sessions. If not for the two of you, then just for yourself. You need to get to the root of what caused that night to happen. (It could be a myriad of things...) Don't let his disgust and your shame disable you. Make the best of it by becoming proactive -- get into therapy to learn more about how you tick. You can only become proactive by dumping some of that shame you have.
Take care and stop beating yourself up.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (24 July 2007):
Hi,
If only you had a time machine! I really feel for your desperate embarrassment. We have all done stupid things that we can hardly bear to think about. People do really out of character things when very drunk. It’s a very slippery slope once you get past a certain point of drunkenness as you found out to your cost. No doubt the PMT added to it as well. Your husband is in shock because he thought he knew you after 25 years, and now thinks that he doesn’t know you at all. He is also embarrassed by what you did.
I think the only thing you can do is to ask him to give you time to make it up to him. Remind him that this is a terrible mess-up, but the first like it in 25 years. Do not attempt to make excuses. Admit that you were totally out of order, and that you know you have hurt him and made a fool of yourself. Maybe offer to give up alcohol, or to never have more than a couple of glasses ever again.
Could you arrange to see the landlord privately and offer him an abject apology for getting ridiculously drunk and embarrassing him? Say you have never done this before, and never would again – ask him for another chance. It would take guts to do this, but if your husband can see you trying to put things right, it would help.
Both your husband and the landlord know that this is out of character for you. So hopefully after the dust has settled, you should get your second chance. Then you just have to keep your head down and live it down. Good luck
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