A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello.. i have asked questions before this and this is my life update.Im currently still legally married with my husband but i went back to my parents home last month.I keep ranting about my husband before and everybody here told me just divorce him. My husband lies, cheat, indifference with me any my son, degrade me, verbally and sometimes physically abusive, has gambling addiction and i heard that he did drugs from his friends. I dont have any emotional feeling left for him and ready to leave him. I cant leave him before because i still feel some love and emotional feeling left hoping he could change. My family also doesnt let me left him because they think its my destiny because i choose him as my husband and i should live with it. Cruel i know. But its asian belief. To be honest, im not innocent though. I have emotional affair with a man. He was my friend 7 years ago and we lost contact 4 years ago. We reconnect since last year and it started casually. I told him the daily pressure i went through. He helped me with giving me support and advice to reconcile with my husband. He give me gifts just to make me happy. Eventhough we never meet each other he is always kind to me. After about 9 months of chatting via text. I never answer his call as i still feel guilty to my husband. But then my husband bit me after an arguement of other problem. I felt so depressed and i meet him to have someone to talk to. After we met, we both feel the chemistry and so connected. We are so compatible and comfortable with each other. I know people including my family would think that im being played by a man that want to take advantage of me. He is wealthy, single, never married, has stable business and mature. He is 30. Im 29. Too good to be true. My family think that he just want to have fun with me or he is a scam. 2 of my best friend have met him and they think he is serious and we are compatible. Now im back to my parents home because my husband stole money and my jewellery to pay his gambling debts. I had enough. How come my own husband steal from me? I feel not safe and scared of him. He could do anything for his gambling addiction. I told my parents and they ask me to come home.After some time without him saying anything to us, not even asking for apologize or want to know about my son condition, my parents are considering to meet his parents next week. They want to discuss our future. My parents are afraid that i will live alone forever with my son or that im being fooled by that man. I told them that i want to divorce him. They said is that man make me want to leave my husband. Is that man encourage me to divorce. They already think negatively before they really knew him in person. My husband lies a lot. 9 out of 10 are lie. He has bad reputation outside with his debts and he keeps borrowing money from people. Im so ashamed of what he did. I dont want to be with him anymore. My question is, should my friend introduce himself to my parents so that they know that there is a man who ìreally loves and accept me as who i am. That want to build a life with me and my son? So that they wont push me to go back with my husband again? My friend thinks he should introduce himself after my parents cool down. He said he doesnt want to ruin the situation more and if he comes out now my parents will hate him more thinking he is homewrecker that makes me want to divorce my husband (which is now what they think). But i know they also wont let me divorce him if they are unsure about my future. They think its better to hold that status for my son. They belief that my friend or any other man wouldnt love my son since he isnt their son. We love each other and we have talked about our future. We want to get married as soon as things get stable. I can see he loves my son too. At least he tried. I dont know what i really want to ask. I just feel so confused now. I need advice please..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2019): I know he isnt just fooling around with me. At the beginning of our relationship he was very excited to meet my parents. But i told him to slow down because i know my parents wont accept "us" eventhough he realy loves me because im still married. Now after seeing my bad marriage to my husband my parents are more open minded about my future. They support my decision to divorce him. But they also worry avout my future. They worry that my son will be fatherless and they afraid that i will be used by man in the future being taken advantage on. They know my friend has been caring to me for a year. Lately my mom asked me about him. I know they are starting to consider him. My mom asked me if i do really know about him.
Yes i will soon be divorce with my husband because i dont want to spend another day living like hell anymore. Im now trying to have personal income by starting a business. Its hard for me because i never worry about money all my life.
As wiseowle said he maybe wont marry me in the future. Youre right. Nothing can guarantee that. What i really wish for is that we can be together. We love each other. He loves my son too. When we meet up he always bring my son to sleep,play with my him and feeds him. I know he tried to be closer with my son. He said that he will responsible for me and my son financially and mentally. He also wants my son to be with us after we marry. He accepts me as who i am.
I wish we can really be together and he is the right man for me. He said he feels so compatible and comfortable with me. He can be himself and still feel so much connection with me. He said we just meet at the wrong time while im married. But seeing my bad marriage we both know that i wont stay like that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): You are carrying-on a affair before you've divorced your husband. No, you cannot introduce your man on the side to your parents!!! They are old-school and traditional. They foolishly embrace the belief a wife stands by her abusive-husband no matter what kind of trash he is. It's a ridiculous concept or belief (not to mention totally archaic!); and women and children suffer because of such nonsense. Many patriarchal societies forgive men of cruelty, abuse, adultery, and even murder. You sometimes have to defy tradition to safe your own life and protect your children!
You come here mainly to vent, and seek comfort. You don't, and maybe can't, take westernized-advice.
If your husband beats you, steals from you, and doesn't love you; then it's up to you to use your common-sense. Writing long stories for sympathy is pointless. We feel compassion for your plight, but you don't listen to our advice. You seek pity, while your troubles continue to get progressively worse.
You did one thing that I did advise you to do; which was to go home to your family.
If your confrontations with your husband lead to domestic-violence; then have the common-sense to stay out of his way. If he doesn't come-around, don't invite him to! Nobody has to tell you that!!! If he doesn't want to see his son, you can't force his feelings; or talk him into loving either of you! You have to use your own intelligence; other people can't control your thoughts or actions. You have to use your own sense of reason and cunning; to maneuver your way through your adversities. It's for your own survival!
This other man is meaningless in your life, while you're still a married-woman. You have no guarantee he wants to marry you and/or take your son as his own. He may only want to enjoy an affair with you; or he simply pities you and your sad situation. Maybe that's only as far as it goes; and everyone knows it, but you! Having him meet your parents won't necessarily change their minds; because their stubborn and inflexible traditional-mindsets overrule what you want regardless. You're not a strong enough personality to defy them, so why bother?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 November 2019):
 I think you should slow your roll, you don't want ANOTHER bad marriage or relationship back to back, do you?
GET the divorce FIRST, then work on being INDEPENDENT and taking care of you and your son financially so you aren't a "financial burden" on your parents.
While I think it's always good to TRY and make a marriage work, I don't think YOUR marriage CAN work, you have already left the marriage in your mind and heart and he isn't a good husband or partner.
I understand where your parents are coming from when it comes to your marriage AND this new guy. But in the end, THIS is your life.
Focus on FIRST creating a stable life for you and your some, then get the divorce( I don't see how your parents can stop you), THEN perhaps in a years time move onto a relationship with this new guy.
DO NOT just jump from one man to another (if you can avoid that) because as much as you like him now, it is VITAL for both you and your son that he IS going to be a good partner and a good match.
That way your PARENTS can also see that you both are serious.
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