A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 2 and a half years just broke up with me on Saturday saying we need some space. She says I need to become more independent and self sufficient. I can see where she is coming from but I can't tell if it is tough love or forever.This year has been absolutely awful for me, my dad almost died and was in hospital for 6 weeks, I have had problems with bullying from the staff at my university (making things way more difficult than they need to be.. was meant to be finished 3 months ago and I'm still waiting to finish my hospital placements)Plus issues with her female housemate who I believe is jealousPlus my dog of 14 years that we got after my sister died passed away. She says I need to be at the level of moving out. Which she knows is what we both want. I'm 24, she's 24, she's turning 25 in a month. I think she may be feeling she's getting older? I'm not sure. It is very out of character for her to act this way, she is usually very supportive of me.She said that she still loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. - but then also said that in the break she could not guarantee she may be intimate with another person. I have never dealt with a 'break' before, and I have been constantly messaging her. We met up last night to talk about things properly - she dumped me over the phone. We ended up staying up until 4:30am talking, and fell asleep in her bed. She said she would miss 'snuggles', etc. I have done a lot of soul searching after she broke up with me and said she needed space.. I do know what I have to do, but I just can't get in the right frame of mind because all I can think about is the issues with her. And that is causing me to flake in my university business now, and I now want to look for weekend work while on hopsital placements but I just can't at the moment. I really need her support.I am scared that her housemate will take her out and tell her to bring home a guy, even when she still has massive feelings for me. What should I do? I have 3 massive text messages written out, each an essay's worth, to send to her, but I just don't know when I should. I wanted to meet up with her again tonight to chat, saying I was unhappy with how things were. And she said she was too but breakups aren't meant to be fun. Help please! I am lost with out her and her mixed messages are tearing me apart.
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broke up, jealous, mixed messages, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers people. I really hope this isn't the end but I am going to give her her space. She said she wanted to see me in a week when I saw her to speak about things.. So i'll just lie low until then and focus on trying to complete my university studies. I am just getting such mixed messages from her that is what is hardest. I know she wants to be with me she is just frustrated with my maturity - which I get she has grown a lot this year with moving out in February. She think's i'm on a different level than her now.. But the thing that hurts most is I will be able to move out with her next year when I've finished my university which is at most two months away! I did have poor communication with her some times, and I think that was another factor. I mentioned getting counselling not only for myself but for our relationship together but she said she didn't know.
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I don't see mixed messages on her part either. She is trying to let you down easy. She still has feelings for you in some capacity but is no longer in love or wants to be with you. After 2 and a half years it is expected to still feel badly for your ex and to want to make it as easy as possible. Also it is hard to move on even if you initiated it. But make no mistakes about it, she's moving on. It isn't a break for a short time, you are broken up. Right now she is thinking it is helping you to stick around so you can talk to her but instead it is confusing you. You won't break contact on your own so tell her that she is sending you mixed messages and confusing you when she talks to you.
Next, delete those 3 massive texts. If you have any chance in hell of getting her back those will insure that you never will. She has said you are too needy. So to remedy this and show you have changed you call her constantly to meet up and then plan to send 3 massive texts about your feelings.... This is only making her feel that she made the right choice! You are smothering her and pushing her even farther away. How does her telling you to be independent = send her a bunch of calls and texts? She knows you are upset, believe me, you don't need to tell her anymore. She doesn't want you to be upset, she wants you to be fine without her. Please understand this.
The only chance you will ever have for her to come back is to see you in a new light. She wants you to be independent, do it. Stop calling her for everything. Do things on your own. Contact other people if you are upset, spend time with your family or friends. Write down your sad thoughts and feelings but only for yourself to get them all out. Keep yourself busy with your interests, buy a new video game, focus on work and the new job, go out- anything to keep your mind off the sadness of the break up and calling her. Don't contact her anymore, let her miss you. Let her feel that you have grown up and gotten independent, that you don't need her.
The fact is doing this will only help you. If she doesn't come back then fine, you have spent all of this time on your own and now you know you are okay without her. But continuing on calling and messaging and whining to her will push her away, make her certain she made the correct choice, and unfortunately she will end up ignoring you altogether and feel great pity over your "pathetic" attempts to still contact her... Keep your dignity intact and go about being more independent. You really don't have another option.
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A
male
reader, anonymous12345150  +, writes (23 October 2012):
Walk away and move on with your life.I split up with my ex about a year ago.was the worst time in my life.start going to the gym (worked wonders for me) I've lost 3 stone and look 100 times better than I did when I was in my relationship.also re connect with your freinds and family and also maybe set yourself some short term goals to achieve.also just go no contact and keep your dignity.some things are best left alone.walk away and move forward with your life,don't go back because this will become a vicious cycle.good luck man
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I dont really see any mixed messages from her to be honest - she has treated you pretty badly, dumped you and told you why, so why are you thinking she is interested still?
I think the whole 'I still love you' business is her trying to soften the blow - she obviously wants to go out and meet other men because she already warned you about it, so her saying 'I still love you' is trying to soften the blow of her dumping you and hooking up with new guys. She is killing you softly so to speak - dumping you but trying to make sure you are not 'too' hurt about it and dont hate her.
What you need to do is this:
1. Tell yourself this (over and over again if neccessary): SHE HAS ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP. WE HAVE BROKEN UP.
2. Cut contact with her - tell her it is too hard to stay friends and keep talking, that if she is going to go out and meet new guys you need space away from her because it is too painful for you. You cant be friends when you want her back, it simply wont work.
3. Start moving on. Let go of any hope that she might come back, and re-build your life without her in it.
You sound far too needy and dependent on her, after all getting a job is your issue, she cant do it for you and she isnt forcing you to flake at University - you are choosing to do that yourself and just blaming her for it! Get a grip on your life - the relationship is over, time to learn how to be an independent single man.
So what should you do? Accept its over, delete her number and ask her never to call you again. Delete those texts you have written, chuck out anything that reminds you of her and start again. You need to sort your life out before you can think about relationships, you have become far too dependent on her and its a big turn off, so you need to get a grip on yourself and time to be a man.
And dont be afraid to remember how badly she has treated you here - she dumped you over the phone (after 2 and half years that is NOT acceptable and shows a complete lack of respect for you), she has told you she wants to go out and hook up with new guys (would you really want her back after she has been out doing who knows what with numerous men? Would you really want some guys sloppy seconds?). Dont allow her to treat you like this, if she truly loved you she would have stayed with you to work through this rough patch, not go out sleeping around with random guys while your at home heartbroken.
Dont settle for someone who treats you with such lack of respect and care - after 2 and a half years you deserve better. Put her behind you now, start to move on and re-build your life. If you become a happy, independent and successful man you will attract a lovely girl who will make you happy and never treat you like this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Let her go, you do not need her support, you can get through on your own, talk to a friend if need be. If she really loved you and cared for you, she would see your pain. You deserve better and will find someone that can love and appreciate you. DOnt contact her and stop chasing her, she knows how you feel about her and still ended the relationship.
No contact, move on, we come into this world alone and leave alone, so you dont need someone to stand on your own two feet. Time will heal your pain
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