A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years has a 2 year old daughter. I have changed myself to accept this situation and moved past it. But now, when he invites me to hang out with them, i usually don't bc i don't like how it makes me feel around them. And i don't mind him spending time with her. But my problem is that when we are all together, he doesn't pay any attention to me, he's not affectionate towards me and i just sit and watch him showering her with love. Its great that he's a good dad, but i want to feel important too. And he says that because he only sees her once a week, he needs to give all his attention to her. I have changed to accept him and the fact that he has a child, but what is he going to do to make this work? I believe he needs to learn to make both of us feel important, or am i just being unreasonable? (I am 23, he's 28) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (23 November 2013):
 Obviously I'm not there to see you in action, but from what you've described I don't think you're being unreasonable. Spending time with a child does not mean virtually ignoring someone else, especially when you've specifically invited that someone else along.
I once dated a man a few years older than I who had a young daughter. It was clear to all that she was very important to him, but he included me when we were all together. Instead of pitting us against one another (wittingly or unwittingly) he helped facilitate a connection between her and I.
If he barely pays any attention to you and isn't very affectionate toward you when his daughter is around then my advice is to politely decline any invitations to accompany them on their outings. Don't stick around to be treated like a third wheel and if he won't do anything about it, then you must.
You don't have to compete with his daughter, but you can make time spent with you precious as well by not being available every time he summons you.
Just don't do it angrily or out of spite because then you will look spoiled and immature and it will provoke his anger. And as long as he's angry, he's not listening. The next time he invites you, site some other reason for not going. You could even cheerfully say 'Thanks, but she only gets to see you once a week. I can see you any time. Go and have fun.'
By giving him time alone with his daughter, you're taking yourself out of competition with her. And by pulling back in a non threatening way, you're allowing him to chase you.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (22 November 2013):
A child needs their parents....a baby girl needs her dad to show her what a real man is. To know what it is to have a healthy loving relationship from a male role model. You need to understand that he has to cram a weeks worth of love, attention and love in a couple of hours. I think you are young and immature to understand the importance of the above. Do not take this as a slam. But when you have your own child it is an ultimate love like no other. I would want your boyfriend in my life. I think he is amazing. I love that this little girl is his everything. You want to be a loving supportive girlfriend. I would be honoured that he wants you to be apart of that time. Obvioulsy to him you are a keeper. This is your issue. Try and work on it!Best Wishes to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): Guys, I DO NOT see him 6 days a week. I only see him 2 days a week, maybe once in blue moon 3 days, but that's it. I dont think I'm asking for a moon here.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2013):
 It's once a week he sees his TWO YEAR OLD CHILD and you are jealous that he focuses his attention on her for that SHORT period of time. ONE day out of 7 he gets to see her... that's not much at all.
I think your expectations of having his 100% undivided attention 24/7 are over the top and unreasonable and unrealistic.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 I think you are being slightly unreasonable !!My parents are divorced and i understand now that both my parents had to move on with there lives but if i think about it and put myself in the situation where i was his daughter i would be perfectly fine with your company on me and my fathers day out ... Some days not every day ( you need time to bond with your child).... But seeing you be affectionate with one another ... BIG NO NO !! He has told you himself that he gets one day a week with his daughter and he loves her and wants to spent that time with her... One day a week is nothing when you account for how much he is missing out on in her life !!You are never going to win this battle and you have no right too To be honest if you had of been the girlfriend of my dad when i was younger and you were acting like this i would have hated you and felt like you were trying to take my dad away from me ! You need to take a step back and let them spend quality time together as father and daughter !! And to be honest he is in the right for no showing you affection around his child .. He doesnt know how its going to affect her seeing her dad with another women.Now if he isnt showing you affection when the child isnt around then that is a completly different issue .. But i honestly think you need to back off on this situation Im sorry if i come across rude or negative in this but im giving you my answe completly based on the childs perspective ! Mabye you come from a background where your parents are still together i dont know but its a tough situation to be in !!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): " And he says that because he only sees her once a week, he needs to give all his attention to her."
You sound like a spoiled and jealous child. To be competing for attention with a two year-old girl is unthinkable. You said you've changed? From what,to what? He sees the child once a week, and the rest of his time and attention is spent on you. Are you so needy that you can't just let a 2 year-old girl be smothered with daddy's attention for one day?
Children need affection and attention. They need to feel that both parents put them above everything in their lives. They are helpless and innocent. They are void of prejudices and cruelty. All they want is to feel loved and safe.
You are an adult. Act like one.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 He sees his 2 year old daughter for just ONE day of the week and you have him for 6 days; if you cant spare a father and daughter even one single day without feeling jealous, then you need to grow up because this relationship is not for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 November 2013):
 I don't think you have changed or accepted that she IS #1 priority in his life. SHE is 2. SHE needs to be put first.
It IS NOT easy to deal with, but staying away is not going to help either. Neither is being jealous of a 2 year old girl.
He sees her ONCE a week. You get the other 6 days. So if you don't get more attention then her, something else is going on. It's not like he doesn't LOVE on on those days but his focus is HER (as it should be). Or that you aren't important that one day a week, but YOU are a GROWN person and "should" not need the same level of attention as a 2 year old.
If you can't handle him trying his best to be DADDY to his daughter then MAYBE you need to date a guy without kids.
The fact that you two started to date right around the time she was born might play into your feelings?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Unreasonable ? yes and not, meaning that yes, maybe your gut reaction is normal, inevitable in fact - then again you have rationality to overcome it , and if you just can't, you have to ask yourself if you are the right person to date a single dad.
He sees her only ONCE a week, and she is only TWO !. At this age, children require, and need, and should get , a lot of attention, affection, involvement, it's natural they somehow steal their own mother's thunder , imagine that of a girlfriend. Of course if you were the mother probably you would not mind at all getting less compliments, kisses, PDAs when the little girl is around ( which would be MOST of the time ...) , because your attention too would be focused on her and on lavishing her with whatever she needs emotionally, while instead now you suffer of... a bit like sibling rivalry ? Like two young sosters, in the back of your mind you know that in the greater scheme of things you are loved the same , but in the here and now you pay a lot of attention to who gets " more " , how and when, and you resent the love the younger one gets as if she were poaching into your territoty (... if any, it would be the opposite - children first , but it's not a contest anyway ).
If the thought that you have the guy's full attention on you for 6 days, and the little kid only gets 1 day of the week, is not enough to comfort you and put things in perspective....then I am afraid that you are not with the right partner for you. You'd be happier with some zero baggage guy.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 November 2013):
 It doesn't seem to me that you have changed and now accept the fact that he has a child. You sound like it bugs the hell out of you. Since he only gets to see his baby daughter ONE day a week, then yes you are being unreasonable in my opinion and rather needy as well. I also think you will be doing everyone involved a huge favor if you move on, yourself especially.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): Since this only happens once a week (he said he only gets to see her once a week) it really isn't a big deal. He is already showing you WAY more attention than her because he only sees her once a week whereas i assume he sees you more than that.If this relationship isn't that serious then don't sweat it, just leave him alone with his kid and there's no reason you have to be there too. Pet them have their one day per week together, no reason you have to be there too. But if you see this relationship becomingly serious long term or leading to marriage then you need to realize you are likely going to be her future step mom. Thus you should be developing a relationship with her too and bonding with her since she is your future step daughter.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): i too was in the same situation, though i never went out with them but preferred him to go spend his time with her and then meet me.i never told him that.i always put up some excuse to shut myself and cry alone till he came back.then one day i told him choose me or that kid of yours because it was becoming too much for me.he chose me but he misses her i know but has mever mentioned.today i feel sorry for all three of us and am just waiting for the day when he shall admit that he can't carry on any more.i really love him but i can't see him happy with his and some other lady's child.i have fought and cried alone enough.now i have come to my senses.May be same would be for you too if you asked him to stop meeting her.and then you have three option..leave him or he will leave you or accept that you will have to share.its not at all easy..:-( sobs...
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Hi, put yourself in the little girls shoes, she only get to spend one day a week with her dad. How would you feel if someone was writing this on this site?
I get it , you also want his love and attention, but when you chose him, this is a package deal. Do you and the BF not spend time on weekdays? It takes two to make this work and understanding.
If you feel really strongly and "jealous" of the time with the child, you need to revisit whether you can be in this relationship. Also if you continue to complain - he will wonder if you are the right person in his life. especially if there starts to be consistent fighting and bickering. Think about it, and decide can you live with what he is offering, if not I don't think he will change and you need to find a man that does not have kids.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 November 2013):
 I think you would feel better if you can be more involved with their activities. It also depends on whether your boyfriend wants another mother figure to his daughter. It is very important that you both agree on this. For me, I can't just be someone's girlfriend at the same time a stranger to a close family member. Children often steal the spotlight and the outsider can feel left out. If you have a mothering nature you can offer valuable insights on how to raise a girl since you had been one yourself.
I don't know what your goal of this relationship is. You have been together two years and you should decide if you want to be a part of this girl's life. I am a single mom and have dated men with no children. The basic requirement for this unequal relationship is that you enjoy yourself even if you don't get full attention. You have to like children and be able to share moments. It's even better if you can look forward to meeting his daughter, instead of looking at her as an obstacle to your relationship.
What he can do is include you in conversations, such as asking your input, play games together. No single parents want to feel that you are doing a favour by dating them.
You would only know how much attention a child needs when you become a parent yourself. Partners get ignored, relationships often get sacrificed when there are children involved. But for those who invest in educating and bonding with children, the hard work pays off at the end. You need more than just accepting a package deal.
If he shows you affection in front of her what happens is that she will feel jealousy. She doesn't have the reasoning you do. She will act out and time with you two will be a lot of tension and competition for attention. It's a delicate matter and he doesn't want to disrupt the harmony.
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