A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm with my bf (42) now for 1 year and a half - we have a beautiful 8 month old son together. He used to be married - is divorced twice. He is still friends with ex wife 1 (married 2 years) but not ex wife 2 (married 2 years). He appears to be over both of them. I was a single mother (31) of a 2 year old girl when he met me before we had our son. He is a wonderful father to both my kids. The problem is just the other night I told him I was fed up of Facebook cos I felt it was wasting too much of our time that could be spent better elsewhere. He had posted some popular status update which ex wife 1 decided to thumb/like. I thought nothing of it at the time cos its just Facebook stuff...but then later that same night I joked how I see your ex wife liked your status - must have been a good one..I didn't really get time to read it much but just saw her name what was it about?? cos I had been too busy with the kids...and well didn't take much notice cos that is how Facebook is..all I remembered was seeing her name on his page and thinking that is odd. We hadn't been getting on great before so I had wondered just if he was reconnecting with her too. I do trust him so I thought nah doubt it...its nothing..just stupid Facebook....he then says oh you mean why did my 'wife' thumb it? I said don't you mean your ex-wife? you made a Freudian slip there...he said oh don't go reading too much into it...but tell me how could I not? he said wife instead of ex-wife which I found a bit hurtful. I have seen the affidavidit so I do know they are divorced etc. Anyway, I question how committed he is to me these days. I am worried that cos he has been through the marriage ringer twice he won't ever bother with me. He said he doesn't know with regards to that.He has too many fears in our relationship. He said he thought about asking me before I had our son - that it was a fleeting thought. We hadn't been getting on great but right after one little spat, he went off to his mom and spoke badly of me to her behind my back...he told her he didn't want me and was going to move out - that he didn't want to have sex with me and said to his mom how I queried why he was reconnecting with someone he used to date and have sex with. That crushed me. I sobbed a whole day on and off in my job. He told me do you know how hard it was for me to write that to my mom. I said to him in tears, you still sent it so its obviously your real feelings huh? So when that all came to pass, I said fine you know what if that is what you really want - go cos I wouldn't want my kids seeing a man who was going to end up fighting with her every day nor do I want to be lied to or strung along to believe you really love me when in fact you don't. SO lets make this easy on both of us - go and you can always see child etc. Won't be an issue. Since I thought that was what he wanted and why should I make him stay with me just cos we have a child together. He is now acting weird now all hot and cold with me. We have had sex since and we are good again. His mom is a nice lady but I can't stomach to talk with her now cos I know what he said to her and she must think I am some sort of monster. It makes me feel sick. I wish I didn't know about it. I came to know what he said to her by accident. I have decided to not fight and keep my distance with regards him. I do trully love this guy. I have done way too much for him already and that was my mistake. For example, I stupidly booked a holiday for us for his birthday in August trying in my head to pretend that this never happened and that he does love me and its all in my head. He has since come back with he does love me and that I have given him some of the best days of his life and that I am a great mother. I told him instead of telling me what is negative about us all the time, why don't you give me some positives and those were his positives he gave me.When he said to his mom he didn't want me and wanted to move out etc - I know he said it to her in anger of me at the time so now I don't know how valid it is. He gets all nervous around me and needs the toilet a lot. I tell him to relax and just be himself and that I don't mind however he feels and to stop fearing me - I feel he is bringing his past relationship mistakes into our relationship. Ex wife 1 cheated on him and ex wife 2 well she went back to her first love over him...and thing is, I am not like either of these two ladies and I feel I am being tarred with their nonsense...I couldn't be anymore loyal and faithful. I told my bf when things go wrong, I just break up...its more respectful that way. That is why when I thought he didn't want me I just made it easy and said okay then you know what to do then...just close the door on your way out cos I don't want my two year old running out onto the road. She is now v attached to him so it broke my heart to say that to him but I thought at the time that was what he wanted. I feel he is taking our relationship for granted a lot of the time cos its got 'comfortable' and yeah he gave out to his mom about how I would like us to have at least one date night a week to maintain our couple and keep it healthy. I coulnd't understand why he complained about that to her when in fact I do believe that keeps the spark going.I feel torn now. I don't know what to do. I'm still extremely hurt that he prob doesn't want me at the end of the day yet his actions say 50/50 he does and 50/50 he doesn't. I'm not bitter about that if that is the case as I know I still look okay and keep myself in a reasonably decent way after having kids. If I get him to move out - I worry about the emotional impact that will have on my 2 year old more than the baby. I get him to stay, I'm worried he will continue to not show me any love I do deserve but at least we will be a family. I posted a pic on facebook that said if you can't make her a wife don't make her a mother...I was angry at the time I posted it and I knew his mom would see it. He also stopped saying I love you to me and now says it more sparingly. I found the deletion of these words hurtful too as it was noticeable. He tells me if we didn't bicker so much with each other he prob would want to marry me...so now what the hell I am supposed to think? I told him you decided to end us when you wrote that to your mom. I can't ignore that. SO now lets say he does pop the question how can I ever accept it now that all this has happened?? what is he doing here?? I told him if he was confused to go away and give it some time and thought then come back to me and let me know either way what he wanted...he said he didn't know still...and I'm like wow after 2 years you don't know but for now I don't know either and we are like two childminders together playing tag team together. Can anyone shed some light onto what is really going on here? Any info would be much appreciated - thanks to listen and read all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses. Yes I am worried about the whole 2 year and I'm done pattern thing emerging. It appears to me that when he has a serious relationship and once it hits around the 2 year mark he checks out - we are not quite yet at the 2 year mark but he is way too nervous around me and I find that horrible. It makes me feel awful. I don't even do anything to make him nervous - I guess just looking at me cos I am such a scary woman lol is enough to make him lose his whole digestive system :( I try to reassure him that I am not his past (and hopefully his future) as a way to make him just simply relax with me. Now I find I just have to keep my distance and say nothing cos I really don't want to cause a man to be sick or be the cause of him feeling unwell. He obviously suffers from his nerves and well its bringing me down. I just want the romance back. Its like ever since the baby has been born - he has not bothered about me half as much as he used to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses. Yes I am worried about the whole 2 year and I'm done pattern thing emerging. It appears to me that when he has a serious relationship and once it hits around the 2 year mark he checks out - we are not quite yet at the 2 year mark but he is way too nervous around me and I find that horrible. It makes me feel awful. I don't even do anything to make him nervous - I guess just looking at me cos I am such a scary woman lol is enough to make him lose his whole digestive system :( I try to reassure him that I am not his past (and hopefully his future) as a way to make him just simply relax with me. Now I find I just have to keep my distance and say nothing cos I really don't want to cause a man to be sick or be the cause of him feeling unwell. He obviously suffers from his nerves and well its bringing me down. I just want the romance back. Its like ever since the baby has been born - he has not bothered about me half as much as he used to.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 I can tell you that he will be playing hot and cold as long as you let him. He will be hot when he senses that he will lose you forever, and cold when you ask for a stronger commitment. Anything would be an excuse why he can't commit and when you tell him to finally commit or leave he will use your son to make you feel guilty. You have to be firm and tell him you don't want a half assed relationship. Children are more resilient than you think. I agree there is no point talking to his mom. His mom knows that he has fears and is being unreasonable, but at the end mothers are always on their sons' side. No matter what "my son is a good man." When you are in your twenties and thirties a mother in law might be honest to you and say, "my son is not the marrying type." When a son becomes 40 to 50 the mother in law will gradually want an intact family, thinking that she does not have many more years to live and would wish to be a true grandma, having more people to spend holidays with.
I don't think facebook screwed your relationship. It only brought underlying issues of his non commitment to the surface.
I would not want to spend holidays with him. Watch him get frustrated with you and blow things up over small issues. If it's too late to cancel and get a refund you could try going to the holidays by yourself if you are brave. I myself need a man when I am going out of town.
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