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Is this happening too quickly?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 14 July 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, *ittleboepeep writes:

Preface:

So, 11 weeks ago I posted a question on this website to seek help with an (almost) four-year-old relationship. Two wise people gave me the advice to end the relationship - advice I ignored until about a month ago when I finally made the decision to break up with him.

So, back when I posted that question, I was pretty unhappy. I realize now that I was just holding on to hopes and dreams of the future and trying to live up to other people's expectations. I've decided I'm done with all that nonsense. I lived with this unhappiness for over two months. I was faking it. I was faking sex, faking loving him... I would avoid coming home if I knew he was here. We fought and cried a lot. It is a relief to have this feeling rid from my life.

However...

The decision to finally end the relationship was not based solely on these negative feelings I was having. I was stifling those negative feelings until I started noticing one of my co-workers at my new job. He was so attractive to me, and I knew the feeling had to be mutual because he stared at me all the time.

Without ever talking to him, I had a crush on him for at least two weeks...while I was still in the relationship with my ex. I started to imagine my co-worker while I had sex with my ex. I got giddy and nervous when I went to work, just because I knew I would see him. Finally, I started to talk with him at work and over text messages.

I immediately felt a stronger emotional connection with this co-worker than I had ever felt with my ex. When I was around him, I also felt sexy and beautiful because of the way he looked at me. We began talking about some of our personal problems, and it felt like he just got me. I told him about my frustrations with my relationship, and he was the reassuring voice of comfort that everyone else in my life failed to be.

When I finally ended the relationship, I hung out with my co-worker a couple of times alone outside of work. I ended up inviting him over and sleeping with him only one week after the break-up, and we haven't stopped. He has been staying with me every night for at least two weeks now. We have so many similar interests. We have similar backgrounds, so I feel like he understands my difficult past more than anyone else has.

The sex is absolutely the best I've ever had. He makes me feel beautiful...he tells me how much he loves my body and how amazing I am, which is a stark contrast to my ex, who told me everyday I needed to work harder on my body. I will tell you what I've been telling the nosy women in my life...he treats me the way I have always dreamt of being treated by a lover.

I can tell that, at some point, he wants to take things to the next level. His step-dad actually works with us too, so I already know one of his parents. He has asked me to come meet his dad, but I told him I wasn't ready for that. I have been talking about moving out of state when I graduate in December, and he asked what I would think if he moved with me. Pillow talk is slowly starting to be about the future.

So, my question is...is this all happening way too fast?

I still live in the apartment my ex and I lived in together and a lot of his stuff is still here. It makes me feel guilty, but only because of what he would think if he knew about this new guy. I do not miss my ex, but seeing his things when I'm in the middle of having amazing sex just reminds me of how big of a bitch he and his family would think I am. I am torn here.

I really, really like this new guy...I liked him before I even talked to him and it just keeps getting better. I just know a lot of people would frown upon how quickly I've moved on from a long (and pretty dysfunctional) relationship.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on the situation!

View related questions: at work, co-worker, crush, miss my ex, my ex, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2017):

I say carry on. If things go south they will go south, no matter what advice we give. This relationship might not go anywhere, but what's the point in slowling it down or ending it now? Just be prepared that you still have not worked through your issues with your ex, you still haven't healed from him, and the process of moving on from an ex takes time. Undoutedly, you will create friction in your new relationship by starting to doubt your decision, which you already are. You are putting on the breaks because you aren't comfortable. It's too soon, yes. That's why you feel guilty, why you don't want to meet his parents, and why you get intimidated by him talking of the future. Your heart and mind isn't in the right state for such talk.

You could be ready in due time, but you will most likely need to date him for the time being until you are done healing and having moved on from your ex. Let me give you an example of this logic: say you needed 6 months to be single to process all the feelings and become yourself again, and figure out what you want in life and want from a new relationship. After 6 months of being single, you would have made necessary changes in yourself and in your life, and be ready to date again. Then enter mr. new guy, and you would start the relationship and when he wanted to introduce you to his parents you would be thrilled and excited and when he talked of moving with you, you would be happy about it.

But now, that you haven't had your hypothetical 6 month of recovery time to find yourself again. So, when the new guys asks about the future, you want to pull the breaks. Naturally. You're not ready. You still need to work through what you want in life and find yourself again. Until then, you can't really make any big decisions, because you're not sure what you want yet.

But, you know that right now you want sex, you want attention, and he meets your needs. But if he wants more... and if he's not willing to wait, then you might have to cut him loose to save his feelings from getting hurt. Because he is ready for a new relationship, he knows who he is and what he wants. But you still don't.

And, after 6 months (or however long you take to go through the process), you might discover that this guy is not who you want after all.

So, all things considered, he probably is just a rebound guy, this wont be a long term relationship, and you will end things sooner rather than later.

But really, why care about that now? Enjoy the sex. He knew you hadn't been single that long and he still got with you. So he was willing to take that chance. Just tell him you aren't ready for a serious relationship just yet, and that you'd like to be with him exclusively, but not do the whole family-introduction thing. And that talking of the future is premature, and that you at the time being don't know what you think about him possibly moving with you, and that you will get back to him if you decide it would be a good idea.

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A female reader, Miss.Cupid United States + , writes (14 July 2017):

Miss.Cupid agony auntI mean love is love. You can control who you fall for and sometimes you may have the strongest connections with someone you've just met rather than someone you've known for a long time.

I think maybe you should do some cleaning around the house and get your exes stuff out. I'm sure you guys don't live together correct? so clean, get ride of the past and don't be afraid of the future.

I don't know if this is a rebound guy I mean you guys have been sleeping together for a while now and he wants you to meet his father. Just see how things go..you have a long time before December even comes. Who knows what the status between you guys will be. Just enjoy yourself and have fun..

Good Luck.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 July 2017):

Your ex is part of your past (and you will hopefully choose too keep him there). You have no reason to feel guilty about anything you do in the future as it has nothing to do with your ex. He chose to treat you badly and he lost you. Your life is your own. You owe him nothing.

To draw a line under your past relationship, I would either move somewhere new or, at the very least, clear all his stuff out and drop it off for him. Don't let him use your place as free storage.

With regard to this new guy, yes, things are moving very fast, but that doesn't mean they won't work out. The relationship may, of course, eventually burn out but you will have had fun in the meantime.

I enjoy "people watching" and a pattern I have noticed is that someone who has been in a relationship for years which has gone nowhere usually throws themselves whole heartedly into the next relationship they have. I believe people choose "the one" based on where THEY are in their development and wish to settle down. YOU were probably ready to settle down with your ex but there was too much wrong with the relationship. Now that he is out of the picture, you have met someone who feels very right, hence you are investing a lot in this relationship. It is probably pointless advising caution as that is easier said than done, so I will just say "enjoy the ride" and good luck.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 July 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntYou seem way too focused on the way he makes you "feel" rather than the other aspects of a truly great relationship like financial security family, etc.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSounds like the new guy is a rebound. Sorry. Doesn't mean it can't become more but I REALLY think you need to slow down.

It doesn't seem like you have truly processed all the stuff (good and bad) that happened in the last relationship and why it REALLY fell apart.

And it doesn't seem to me like you have gotten back to being YOU. You went straight from one man to another. Happiness is not about being with someone. CONSTANTLY.

Slow your roll.

Pack up your exes stuff. Arrange for him to come pick it up. Take some time to reflect.

The reason the ex-BF pops in your head is because you really haven't DEALT with the break up that much.

As for what happens in December... who knows just yet.

Don't try and make this an instant relationship.

There is chemistry (which is good) but DO take the time to figure out JUST how well you compliment each other OUTSIDE the bed.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (13 July 2017):

Denizen agony auntYes is the answer. It is happening too fast. However when you are in love it is hard to put the brakes on.

I think you both need to think about moving somewhere new, somewhere not tainted by your previous relationship. Let that be you focus for the next month - finding a place together. It will reveal a lot about the strength of your new partnership. It will be a good test of whether you have the makings of a long-term relationship. And it will be a fresh start for you.

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