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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I met a 45 year old lovely guy who said he is ' careful with money' On our first date he asked if I was going to buy the second round of drinks.I laughed and said it was only a coke both times but felt embarrassed me made the point. Then we agreed he would pay for a meal out after staying at my place for a week end where I supplied all the food a few weeks later. I don't understand the issue here. I said if I supply food for his stay and he offers to take me out it seemed fair he paid on the last evening. At the restaurant he said he only had £15 in cash and did I have any. I said we agreed he was paying and me lending him money before he went to a cashpoint was no different to paying by his debit card. He then agreed.My issue is why do I need to spell these things out. It kills the romance and he looks tight with money to me. He says he isn't and I totally misinterpret him. Now I'm doubting myself. I feel sad as he's a lovely guy in lots of other ways. He apologised and said I have the wrong end of the stick. Plus when I was working he tried to bring over frozen food from his freezer. This is a turn off for me too. It reminds me a lot of my ex who had similar traits. I'm very fair and never take advantage. We are both working and he's definitely not short of money so that's not an issue. I don't go to his place as he is working on it and it's like a building site and there is dust everywhere. I don't know whether to persist with this guy or give up now. We get on really well apart from this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 It's one thing to train them and break them in in their early 20s but at this point you are correct in wondering WHY you would have to SAY something to him about his stinginess.
My husband was very VERY generous when we started dating. I had NO CLUE I made way more money than he did. It has spilled over to our life.. he's generous to a fault with me and denies himself things so I can have.
IF your red flag is waving on this guy, there's a reason. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): I do understand the frozen food thing - it's so 'studenty' - great fun when you are about 18 - 19, and charming at that age, but after that and for a grown man - complete turn off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): You are right to be concerned. He sounds like a cheapskate to me. You made him homemade meals all weekend and then he tried to sneak his way out of paying for a nice dinner which he said he would take you out for. He sounds cheap to me but you need to question him about his finances now and figure out which it is. Imo if a man won't pay for your dinner he doesn't really want to be your bf.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 I have this theory too, that stingy people are also stingy with their emotions, their time, their affection, their everything. Generousity is an attitude of the spirit and has nothing to do with how much money do you have , but with HOW you spend that little that you have. So yeah, personally I don't even understand how he's a tightwad but otherwise he is lovely- if he's a tightwad, to me he is not lovely. Not that I want men to pay for everything, I know that we are not in the 19th century anymore, and I never had a problem, financially or psychologically, to pay my way, or to INVITE a guy out if I know he is not a regular moocher. But , your relationship with money says a lot, to me, about your relationship with the world at large, and pennypinchers just annoy the hell out of me.
Plus, the episode of the £15 at the restaurant would have really raised my heckles. Maybe I am too suspicious, but, since I think it's obvious for anybody with a minimal I.Q, what you pointed out to him, that if you have to borrow cash and then give it back right away, then might as well pay with your debit card ... that would make me think that he did NOT have any intention to pay you back, he would have let it slide and waited for you to INSIST to be repayed , hoping you did not have the nerve.
Of course it's a matter of personality and preferences, if you really think that all his good qualities compensate for his stinginess, well... nobody's perfect , and just keep your money and expenses always separate.
P.S. With all this ,though, I don't understand the thing about bringing frozen food from home : Why is this such a faux pas ? hey at least he is GIVING you something- a jewel would have been better, of course :), but you know the thing about not watching in the mouth of a gifted horse ....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): Yeah, I agree it really is NOT a matter of him wanting to pay more than you at all - you sound very, very fair - it's more what his attitude seems to reveal about him. I know you've said you need to be more direct, not count pennies, etc and not react, but I think you are overriding what is a natural and healthy response. I know from experience that men who make a point of being overly careful with their money are usually messed up emotionally and can't just 'go with the flow' - there's a deep, very deep rooted fear of intimacy underlying everything - even if he is warm and charming and great in bed, and seems absolutely fine regarding intimacy, I can bet my bottom dollar that he has got deeper emotional issues to do with abandonment and these will emerge further down the line. The possibility of him running out of money, or having his money taken from him, is a massive sign that he fears abandonment and he has a need to assert control in order to avoid that possibility.Just out of curiosity - and I know that you will think this crazy, but there honestly is a psychological rationale to this - what is his relationship with his mother like?
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Well it's either one of two things: 1) he's cheap as hell and super stingy, or 2) he's currently struggling with money (perhaps the reconstruction he's undergoing with his home is costing him a lot) and is ashamed to admit it.
If it's number one, I'd leave. As someone who is really generous with money and cares little to spend money on the people I love (and I currently don't make a whole lot), I find stingy people to be appalling. If it's number two, that's different. Many men are ashamed to admit to financial issues, as they are afraid to admit that they are struggling. It's some sort of shot against their manhood. And rightly so in many cases, as a lot of women expect financially stable men.
But honestly, I'm leaning more towards him just being cheap. The reason I say this is because if he really were just struggling at the moment and ashamed to admit it, he would be more embarrassed by his antics of pretending to not have money on him than he would be of simply just admitting to his financial situation. For me, personally, I would be much less embarrassed by simply admitting I was struggling financially than to behave the way he is.
Anyway, only you know if this is a deal-breaker for you. For me, personally, it is. I don't have many, but stingy people are one of them. Not my cup of tea. I think it's such a put off. As it seems you think this way, too, as you wouldn't he on here asking for opinions.
Good luck.
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male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Hi,Did the 'then he agreed' actually come around because you had guilted him into it?I've answered similar questions before and I say it again, there is no hard and fast rule about who pays for what. You need to have that discussion before going anywhere rather than in the middle of a pub or restaurant.It isn't quite the same as paying on credit card, there is usually an added credit card fee at these places. Then they also ask you to input a tip on the machine when you're paying.Is it tight or is it sensible with money? Since when did it become men pay for everything as some have suggested.Sorry but this riles me, women wanted equal rights, they wanted to have careers and that means also equal paying for meals, drinks etc.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): I am OP. Great advice thank you! I need to be more direct. I do tend to be reactive instead of keeping calm in situations like this! I especially like the suggestion about not counting pennies lol
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (27 May 2014):
 Don't second guess yourself and there's no need to walk away from what is otherwise a great thing.
This can be easily dealt with with a simple comment, 'If you're having some financial difficulties right now, then speak up. Otherwise stop counting pennies. It's annoying.'
Say it in a matter of fact way, with no further explanation and move on to another topic of discussion. That way he gets the message without having a long unnecessary conversation about what he's doing wrong.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2014):
 I'm not saying that a man should pay for everything, but when he makes a BIG deal out of ME having to pay, it's without a doubt a turn off.
BUT, when you were out, did yo offer to pay anything (even if it was JUST a coke) or did you expect that the male always pays?
If I would have to "discuss" who is paying EVERY flipping time, I'd be done. And bringing food over from his freezer? Just, no. Pick something up at the store on the way over and I'll cook it.
You will start to resent going out with him. So my suggestion is to talk to him (and not while you are out) and tell him how you like things done, then listen to his take. A REAL easy way to solve this is ALWAYS just go Dutch. Pay for your bit, he pays for his.
Personally though, I don't know ANY guys in that age group that aren't "raised" to pay for the dinner OR at least have the manners to let you know BEFORE the visit to the restaurant that he expects you to go Dutch.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 This would be a deal breaker as it reflects how things would be in the future. You are not being unreasonable but you also need to talk to him and tell him, it just kills the romance. If money is now an issue when you move in or marry it will become a bigger problem.
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