A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am having problems with my husband not supporting me emotionally. I have depression and anxiety disorder. I become irrational when I feel someone has done me wrong. Multiple times I have gone to my husband in need of emotional support and he refuses to give it to me saying that I'm being irrational. I usually have an all out anxiety attack and want to kill myself afterwords, feeling I'm a freak, and worthless for feeling.I have in the past called suisidal hotlines when this happens between us. It really feels to me he doesn't care and will never care.I have told him exactly what I need him to say. I have asked him what will it hurt if he just agrees with me. He won't answer but just asks what will it help? I tell him it will stop me from having the anxiety attack I am having now and it will help me know he cares about me. But he just mutters he thinks I'm just trying to start a fight.Tonights example, because I'm still in mid anxiety attack and probably not making sense...I play a stupid game, I know it's stupid, but I still play it to keep busy. On a server I play on, there are very little people there, so I put a post up in the gaming forum asking if the server will be merged with another server and if they aren't going to merge the server, will they offer free transfers for people to go to other servers. The customer service person said "There will be no transfers. Ever." The way this was said made me angry, it felt very rude to me. So I went to my husband asking him what he thought. Yeah I guess that was my mistake. But I told him the answer I was tried to get out of him was "yeah, that's a crappy way for them to talk to me." But he didn't, he just rationalized that maybe they were not trying to be rude and that you can't tell by just written words. I went black in anxiety attack and tried to muddle through the attack enough to talk to my husband about how all he needed to say is "yeah that's rude" and I wouldn't have had the attack. But further and further I went into attack. Because my husband just ... Why does it feel that something so simple to me feels like pulling teeth? I know this incident is stupid. I know I was irrational. But I want support from my husband to help me not have an anxiety attack. I want to stop blacking out in rage and tears and wanting to die. What can I do to get my husband to help me? We speak two different languages when it comes to emotions. And he refuses to go to therapy with me. I'm so sick of being depressed and feeling like he doesn't care.Side note, I do have a doctors appointment to help me with my depression and anxiety. I am currently off my medications because we are trying to get pregnant. So this adds to my roller coaster of uncontrollable emotions.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2014):
 You have a lot on your plate.
Yes you need to do the work to fix yourself.
When you go to your husband and want help due to an impending anxiety attack do you preface it with "honey i'm on the verge of a bad attack what i NEED from you is to AGREE with me and I can get through this"
if you don't tell him exactly what you need how is he to know?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): Has anyone ever talked to you about a condition called co-dependency? I think you may be co-dependent on your husband and it is locking you into your symptoms.It's possible that, if you are co-dependent, you can educate yourself about how you became that way and can learn how to manage your symptoms by yourself, without having to depend on your husband to help to manage your symptoms.A great many co-dependents suffer from Anxiety attacks because, underlying everything, they fear abandonment - but the precise fear is very difficult for the co-dependent to identify, because co-dependents are usually cut off from their own emotions and needs, and get very confused about what their needs and desires are. Another symptom of this emotional cut-off and confusion is that emotions can suddenly 'surge', seemingly out of nowhere. Also, depression is very common because emotions are de-pressed ie. pushed or stuffed down and the effort of keeping emotions held down is exhausting.I really strongly recommend that you read Co-dependency for Dummies and take the time to learn about this condition. It is surprisingly common and yet not many people or couples realise what it really is and doctor's and counsellors tend to wait for YOU to bring it up as an issue before they will discuss it with you. It goes far, far, deeper than just learning out of habit to be dependent on another person. I really think it's possible that this could be what you have, please look into it. you can order the book online quite cheaply.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): Give your poor husband a break. Speaking from experience - PTSD, depression and anxiety - your recovery will be found in you, NOT your husband. Help for you is with a mental health professional and medication. Your husband is still with you thru all this - thank him for just being there and not abandoning you at your lowest. Many of us aren't that lucky. There is hope and help out there....so go get it and start a new fresh happy life with your husband. Happiness is not that far away and you are worth it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter reading the answers/responses I got to my situation. I can see I really didn't communicate very well.
Also I'm 41, there is no postponing. It's either now or never. My doctor has put me on a plan to get pregnant in the next 6 months. I just had a baby 2 years ago, so this won't be my first. And she is healthy.
I have had depression and anxiety all my life, it's not going away. The degree of it is not the worst it has ever been at this moment. But the anxiety is pretty bad.
And when I go to him, it's because I'm starting to have an anxiety attack and trying to communicate to him I need his support. I know I fail horribly at that, this is obvious.
But I will take what helped me from your comments and work with that.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Hey there. I understand the emotions you are suffering, as my partner sufferers the same - panic disorder and depression, as well as other things. It's been a long road for us both to learn how to communicate effectively. We still have bumps in the road, but we have gotten much better through extensive communication, reading books and therapy. It's not just a one-way street, though. You're expecting him to mold completely to what you want and need. It can't work like that. You're a team. You have to mold, also. You have to realize that you both need to meet in the middle.
I known it seems to you that you're not asking much of your husband, but in reality, it's sounding to me as if you've got a scripted dialogue you want him to say when you're upset. That doesn't come natural to him, though. You asked him a question and he answered with his honest truth and the way he really feels - maybe the person wasn't intending to be rude. And it IS hard to tell through writing - he's correct about that. He's simply responding in the way that makes sense to him. And you're expecting him to understand why you're responding the way you are. But neither of you at all understand each other.
Being in a relationship while suffering mental illness is very difficult. It's something that can't be ignored. My partner suffers from PTSD as well as depression and we tried having a relationship under "normal conditions" for a long time. We both pretended she didn't have these diagnoses. The problem was, this got us nowhere good. We were fighting all the time and blowing up and breaking up and neither of us understood why. It wasn't until we both embraced her illnesses and actually educated ourselves on them and what it meant to our relationship that we actually started making progress. I read about PTSD all the time, so I know how best to respond to her in certain situations, and to understand what she's feeling when she can't always express it. And she continues to work in therapy to get to a healthy place and how to effectively communicate with me.
My point being that you and your husband BOTH need to be fully committed to learn and educate yourselves on how to interact together as a team to best make this relationship work. You both need to work on understanding each other and why you're feeling the way you feel. But as long as you both refuse to acknowledge the elephant in the room, and conduct your relationship according to that, nothing will ever change.
He's not doing anything wrong. How he's responding isn't a poor response. But it's not the type of response you need. And you have to try and recognize that the type of response you seek is a bit different than what he's probably used to. It's going go take work and lots of patience and understanding. But your husband needs to be dedicated to learning and educating himself on how best to help you through this rather than dismissing you. That's first and foremost. It IS possible to have a happy and loving relationship where you both get what you need. However, you both have to be willing to work for it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2014):
 I would suggest you get your depression and anxiety attack UNDER control BEFORE having a child. Because when you ADD the fluctuations of hormones during and after the pregnancy it can make it feel 10 times worse. So your focus should be on getting YOU better, not adding a baby to this mix.
I dealt with anxiety and panic attacks when my OCD was not under control and it was hard. And when I was "forced" to deal with the OCD through CBT - the amount of attacks became less and less. I still have them, but they are very rare and I have (thank goodness) got the skills/tools to HANDLE them MYSELF.
I don't think your husband doesn't care, he just doesn't understand what you need/want. And I FULLY agree with Cindy that it can come across as manipulation for someone who doesn't GRASP how it really feels. And I think his approach is look at the issue you are having rationally and pointing that out to you, instead of catering to how you feel. He tried to PUT out the fire instead of FUELING the fire, and rightly so.
You don't NEED him to be in therapy with you. THIS is, whether you like it or not, YOUR issue that YOU need to work on and deal with. If after a while of progressing with the therapy your therapist have suggestions for your HUSBAND then ask him to come with you.
Talk to your doctor and take what ever suggestion/advice he gives you. FOCUS on you getting better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 I think your husband is paying you a compliment, by refusing to treat you the way you want : as if you were an out of control stark raving mad lunatic who needs to be always appeased and humoured , otherwise things may get dangerous :" I am Napoleon ! And I will invade Russia ! " " Yes, darling, of course you are Napoleon, but don't get upset now, calm down, and tomorrow we'll study a nice invasion plan .." He knows this is not what you are. He knows you are person with emotional, not cognitive disturbances, - a person that's going through a difficult time, and needs to take care of her condition through the proper , adequate tools ( talk therapy, medications, stress reducing techniques ... ) but can still handle rationality and can still manage to hear a person express a different opinion.
I don't think he does not care, or does not want to support you, it's just that the kind of support you want , -he is right in that-, ultimately does not support you at all , only makes you always more vulnerable, more helpless and less functional. Plus, you do not do it on purpose, so maybe you do not realize how manipulative you come off ." If you don't say exactly the words that I want to hear, no matter how untrue, I 'll have a panic attack ". This is a bit like a child that holds her breath till she is blue in her face to " punish" her parents who refuse her a treat . I am sure your husband feels empathy and love for you , and yet... he is only human, in the long run people get sick and tired of " scare tactics " and become even less available to cooperate with you.
I think you should start, or continue, therapy , no matter what your husband wants to do, and I think you should ask your doctor is it's time to go back on meds ( it would sound it's the case ). I also think that if he says meds would make your condition more manageable, your health comes first, so you should postpone trying for a baby until you feel better - much better. But frankly,IMO you should do that anyway, having a baby is very challenging and demanding on your physical and mental resources. Pregnancy , childbirth and raising a baby should never start from a place of deep emotional distress and turmoil. You need to keep your wits about you when you have a baby, and also a pinch of optimism and cheerfulness is very helpful. So, first you bring your emotions under control, then try for a baby.
You have a doctor appointment soon, take it from there and...be patient; this too shall pass. Good luck.
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