A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, you’ll have to bear with me on this one. It’s complicated to say the least. Just before Christmas last year my girlfriend cheated on me with another man. She aborted his baby as well just to add to the mess. I found out back in September when it all came out and after a few months of taking my time to try and deal with everything that’s happened, I feel like I’m ready to give us another try. But at the same time I feel like she’s been so shady about the whole thing and even now isn’t being 100% honest with me.So yeah, to say the last couple of months has been eventful is an understatement. I’ll start with the back story; we were together for about 4 years. I did genuinely believe she was the love of my life, the woman I wanted to marry, have my children, buy a house with etc. I’ve been with a lot of girls but none of them ever made me feel the way she did. Even after the supposed ‘honeymoon period’ you have in relationships I still felt the same about her years later as did she. But then the pandemic hit and we faced probably our first real relationship test. By this point we’d moved in together and a few months after everything shut down in the UK I lost my job, the company I worked for just couldn’t survive. She was put on Furlough as well so was losing 20% of her wage each month. As such we couldn’t really afford the rent on our flat and all our other bills so had to move back in with our parents. It caused a lot of tension and arguments between us because she really didn’t want to give up our flat, but without me working we’d barely have had enough money to make ends meet each month and I felt it was one stress we just didn’t need. But I believed literally all I needed was to get back to work when everything opened up again and then we’d be able to fly the nest once more. For me it felt like a few months of living apart and having that security would be worth it.But she just seemed really bitter about it all the time and felt like I was giving up on our relationship, which was definitely not the case. One thing’s for sure; we were arguing so much more than before. Even though I did get a new job things were still quite bad and we weren’t really in a good enough place to even think about moving back in together. Petty argument after petty argument followed; in all honesty looking back now it just showed how immature we both were at the time. Then just a couple of weeks before Christmas last year we had a really horrible argument, probably the worst we’d ever had after which we both agreed that we needed some time apart. I spent this time thinking about how to make things right with her. I wish I could say she was doing the same, but in actual fact she went and had a fling with another guy. He used to work with one of her colleagues and she’d met him a couple of times on nights out here and there.But yeah, she cheated on me. I didn’t have a clue she’d done it either. Not even an inkling. We met up to clear the air just before Christmas Day and everything seemed fine. We had a really nice day on Christmas as well and I genuinely felt like I had my girlfriend back. She seemed so happy as well and excited to just look forward to the future together. We moved back in together a few months later and everything was hunky dory again; but then one day in September I came home from work and she was sat looking like a bucket of nerves on the couch. Shen then burst into tears and confessed about the fling and the abortion. She said it definitely wasn’t my baby and I knew it was probably true because even though we’d had sex a few days before she slept with this other guy, I always use condoms every time, even though she was on the pill. It’s just my thing: I always feel more comfortable using one. Whereas the other guy didn’t use one at all with her so there’s no doubt in my mind it would’ve been his child. She found out she was pregnant early in the new year and when she told the guy (again all behind my back) he apparently was absolutely vile to her and said he’d have nothing to do with her or the baby and she was on her own etc.In the end she decided to have an abortion. I had absolutely no idea but then remembered a period in January where she barely spoke to me for about 4 days and even took time off work to just be on her own. She told me she was feeling really down and depressed and just wanted some time to herself, but it turns out she was staying with her best friend so she could have the abortion and deal with the aftermath in secret. It was all lies.Why was it all coming out at that point? Because she said she had no choice but to tell me.Once again it’s all hideously complicated. Basically her ex managed to find out about the fling. Obviously her best friend knew everything, but she also confided in a few of her other friends about what she'd done and one of them must have blabbed to another mutual friend before it ended up getting back to her ex. And because he's a complete dick to be perfectly blunt, he started blackmailing her because she apparently owed him some money from years ago and basically threatened to tell me everything unless she paid up. She showed me some of the messages he'd sent her about it and they just reinforced how much of a dick he was. In the end though she jumped before she was pushed and chose to confess.But one thing that gets me is that her story changes all the time about pretty much everything. At first she said they only had sex the once, then another time she said they met up again, but then decided it was only the one night but they did it twice, then that they did meet up again after all. Then she tries to justify it by saying we were on a break, which we 100% were not. At no point did we either of us ever mention the word 'break'. Time apart doesn't mean the same thing. But that's what she told all her friends, so they back her up every time because they've only heard her side of things. It just messed with my head so much. There’s stuff I don’t get about the pregnancy either. In one breath she says she was always going to have the abortion, but then in another she seems to say that she only did it because he said he wouldn't be there for her. Would she have actually kept it if he said he'd stand by her? I don't know. But despite everything, I still love her. She said she'd wait for me and said to take as long as I needed to decide on where we stood, but I've just been all over the place these past few weeks.I will fully admit I was full of envy towards this other guy and ended going on his Instagram to basically stalk my competition but lo and behold, even AFTER the whole thing had taken place she was still liking his photos! She told me after it happened that she absolutely hated his guts and never wanted to speak to him again, yet she's happy to still have him on Social Media and likes his pics?? None of it make sense. But at the same time I feel like I can’t let her go, I love her too much. I was out the other night and one of mates introduced me to another girl and even though she was stunning and really nice I just couldn’t bring myself to take things any further and ask for her number because my feelings for my ex-girlfriend are still really strong. Am I just being taken for a fool though? It looks like it, but could she have learned the hard way from what she did?Thanks.
View related questions:
a break, abortion, best friend, cheated on me, christmas, condom, depressed, ex girlfriend, her ex, immature, money, moved in, my ex, period, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GregoFranco  +, writes (21 December 2021):
You're a man so have some pride. Let her go. This is going to get worse. Think about the fact that her inner circle knew about this whole ordeal and looked at you, watched you be the good man that you are toward this undeserving woman, and they said nothing. She looked straight into your eyes time and time again and kept this from you.
You have to ask yourself, why was she so emotional? Is it because of the abortion or the raw dog cheating? Has she banged some other guy before but didn't get pregnant so she didn't have the same reaction? As time passes and you get older you'll only have more questions.
Eventually you'll begin to hate her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2021): If you truly love someone, letting-go of them is not an easy thing to do. Your long post shows the passion and pain you're experiencing; but I believe the relationship has finally run its course, in spite of your feelings for her.
It's easy for everyone to say move on, but doing it isn't something you can do so easily. I know, but holding-on and having sore-emotions over everything that has happened will only lead to so many more fights. You are very young, and first-loves have deep-roots. It tears us apart when those relationships come to an end; but your male-ego, your pride, and your common sense are pulling you in different directions.
You're feeling the sting of betrayal and resentment. So much inner-conflict will often manifest itself as anger. You'll angrily say things you'll regret, even though you'll try to suppress your anger. Internalizing only allows tension to build-up inside of you; until she says or does something that will cause you to lose all control. At some point you will reach your boiling-point; and just bottling-up your feelings becomes impossible. This is when men sometimes become verbally-abusive or aggressive. Toxic masculinity comes from this kind of anger. It can cause you to judge her negatively, with disdain; and within a double-standard because she is female. Love doesn't just wipe all this away.
It's best to distance yourself, in order to sort-out your feelings and emotions. You shouldn't dwell on it, or ruminate too much over it; because that's how anger takes hold.
She can't take you for a fool; unless you allow her to. If you know things have gone much farther than you are emotionally-equipped to handle them; then staying within range of what hurts you and causes conflict is a choice. This was not a marriage. It doesn't warrant as much energy and effort to save it.
You seem very angry and disappointed in her. That is a normal human reaction. Forgiving her is easier said than done.
You had continuous petty-arguments; because the hostility was coming from your pent-up resentment. It bothers you she was so irresponsible, that she had unprotected-sex with another man, that she got pregnant with his child, that she withheld some pretty serious secrets from you; and that a lot of people knew, while she kept it all from you.
My young friend, you say you love her, but can you forgive her 100%, without judging and feeling resentment towards her?
You'd be better off letting her go. You must also forgive her; because it's the right thing to do. It will set you both free. Forgiveness is sometimes a lengthy, arduous, and uncertain process. This kind of situation may require that you leave her; to allow yourself the time and space to heal. Otherwise, you will subconsciously punish her; while still claiming to love her.
She hurt you, but breaking-up to move on will settle the score; and bring peace between you in time. Taking her back, under these drama-filled circumstances, may keep your emotional wounds open. The scabs on your heart would never heal. There may be some scarring when this is over; but it's also a learning-experience.
The fact is, you don't see her the same way you used to. Your subconscious-mind will always be searching for those feelings you had before you discovered all the things she kept in secret; and didn't bother to reveal, until she was blackmailed. Your trust has been compromised, and your dreams for the future have been dashed. Use the anger as a tool to break-free, rather than to lament over your breakup; or worse, falling into depression and developing bitterness.
Now you have to be an adult. Be strong. You are not a teenager in puppy-love; you are dealing with some very serious and adult issues here. You are trying to make sense of all this; but you don't have the experience to tap into to deal with so much. You and I sense this young lady isn't being altogether honest with you. Without trust, love loses strength and durability.
You're feeling all the excruciating symptoms from dopamine-withdrawal and separation anxiety; but you must fight to let-go and move on. You cannot force her feelings to match yours. You can't heal while clinging to what you know isn't what it used to be. You cannot make things feel like they used to; because the reality is, they are not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 November 2021):
 OP, I'm so sorry you are in this position.
My advice is going to be short.
END it with her.
Why? You may ask?
Because she is still lying to you. She didn't come clean with you for 10!! months and ONLY came clean when forced to do so. She would rather keep you in the dark. Yet, she told OTHER people. And she told them HER version. That you were on a break. When she knew full well you weren't. Or she interpreted it as a BREAK and you didn't. That one is debatable.
So she still keeps the douche canoe that knocked her up on her social media? I mean WTF?!
Have you been checked for STD's? Because it only takes once to catch one and they DID have unprotected sex. Do you really think she cares if she passed an STD on to you?
OP, you will NEVER get back what you used to have with her. SHE made sure of that.
You will NEVER be able to trust her again.
If he hadn't told her to GO Fuck herself when she told him she was pregnant, she would have dumped you in a heartbeat and moved on with him. He just didn't want her. Or the baby HE made with her. Gross, just gross.
It's over. She isn't as great of a person OR GF as you thought she was.
And to be honest, I know the lockdowns and Covid crap has messed with a lot of people's lives - but for HER to not understand that you CAN NOT pay rent when you don't have a job is ridiculous. While it sucked, it was the right thing to move back home and work on finding a new job and then move on with having an apartment.
Lastly, when you DO break up. CUT all contact with the ex. TAKE some time being single. Don't sleep around either. It won't make you feel better.
You know there are other women out there, you can find someone who is a BETTER fit than your GF. Someone who WILL be faithful and honest with you.
Chin up, and be glad you hadn't married this woman, had kids with her, or gotten into debt for a house.
Lastly, you CAN love someone and be utterly WRONG for each other. She is WRONG for you.
Good luck and put yourself FIRST for a change.
...............................
A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (19 November 2021):
If something doesn't makes sense then it's not true. You can't continue the relatioship if she isn't being 100% honest and transparent.
The first sign of difficulties and she has a fling? Is that what you want in a wife? She isn't emotionally mature to handle much, she cheats and lies.
You have to walk away from this mess and save yourself from a life of misery, distrust and resentment.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (19 November 2021):
 I know that you still love her, so your finding it really hard to let go even despite everything that she has done to you. But in all honesty i think your best bet would be to run for the hills and try to get over her.
I agree i think there is a difference between having a break, and having some time apart. You were still together, it was time apart because you both had a horrible argument so it was time apart to let things cool down.
You used this time thinking how you can make things right with her, how you can use this this as a learning curve to make your relationship better. She on the other hand done the complete opposite, had no consideration for you or your relationship, and jumped into bed with the first available guy that came along. But worse than thatshe slept with the guy without a condom, risking pregnancy or STI's. Not sure about the STI's but she did manage to get pregnant.
You both started again, moved in together while she is hiding all this and keeping it to herself, what sort of a person could do this. I think that she only told you because things came to a crunch and more than likely you would have found out.
I think that now the trust has been broken, trust is the most important contributing factor that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed. How can you ever ever trust her not to do this again?. Would you be comfortable if in the future after another argument saying shall we have some space?. After what she has done i don't think that you would, and now your guard will now always be up. On top of all this, even now she is not giving you a straight story, she is still lying to you and giving you distorted versions of what really happened.
I know its hard, but i feel that to save yourself from unwanted future heartache i would be incline to walk away from this relationship. I would forget her and all these lies and complications and move on. Stay single for a while and give yourself time to get over her, time is the healer of all things, but get over you will.
...............................
|
