A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused by the behavior of certain men. My husband killed himself about 4 months ago and I have been trying to deal with this loss and helping to heal myself and my two young boys. What I do not understand is the way that certain men have reacted to me since. I thought it was strange when this first guy did this, but recently another guy I know well responded the same way. Both men knew my husband and both men did have what I would consider "feelings" for me that developed from what I thought were friendships. I sensed this when my husband was alive and one took it as far as saying he was in love with me last year. Now that my husband died they have both expressed how "confused" they are and how it just seems "weird" being my friend. So they have run scared. I am not a scary person and I am the one who has gone through--is going through this horrible situation. I just don't understand the "confusion" they can be experiencing. I do not want a relationship with either, but I do miss the friendship. What is really going on here? Why did both express this scared feeling. I am very independent and they know this. I am not a "scary" person. I just don't get it. If it was one I could better understand, but now both of them expressing the same feeling makes me wonder if it is me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): Anyone who treats you differntly because of why youve been through is a complete idiot, they must be too immature to be able to handle it, an it's not fair because it's making you feel unconfident, ignore there immaturity as best as you can. Xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): q1605
Not sure if you meant leave it out..like the suicide ..as much as possible. The suicide of my husband is now a part of who I am, and to leave it out would be to pretend that he and it has not impacted my life. I can not help what happened to me, but I just want others to see that I am not scary..not someone they need to feel uncomfortable around. I just want some normalcy amidst the chaos. I don't want to be treated like a freak. I am not angry at my husband--he suffered from borderline personality disorder--so I realize he really didn't know where he was or what he was doing when he did it. He was truly the most unselfish person I knew..so no anger--no I am not unstable--and I do not want to be shunned or thought of as fragile or vulnerable. I just thought more of these "friends" and now I am so disappointed..and actually hurt.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I'm sorry for your loss as well. What an extraordinary thing to have to go through.
For what it's worth, I have a friend who lost her husband to suicide nearly 4 years ago. For someone to die so young is shocking enough but the factor of the suicide made it even more difficult for people to relate. I had just lost a very close friend to something like suicide, she basically drank herself to death, so I was already sensitized and sensitive myself. I knew that what the widow needed was some normality and some support. What was interesting was my husband's reaction, he supported me through the whole grieving process for my friend, but found it very difficult to interact with the widow. He didn't have any kind of romantic feelings for her, he just didn't know what to say or do. It was as though there was no roadmap or list of instructions to follow. For the loss of my friend, he knew his job was to support me as I was the one who was so close to her. He was my primary mainstay in that whole thing.
But with an acquaintance, how to handle it for a man who isn't comfortable in the language or expression of grief, condolences and support is complete and utter mystery. A mystery that doesn't seem easy to solve and therefore, I expect a lot of people will stay away.
It's not fair and it isn't nice but it is human nature to avoid the unpleasant. And knowing what to say or do for someone who has lost a loved one to suicide is very very hard. There's not a good playbook for it, like there is if you lose a parent to cancer.
People think that they are intruding if they reach out to the bereaved. They start to worry that they will cause more pain or unhappiness if they say or do something wrong and so it's easier to stay away entirely. In their minds, not making a mistake by having no contact is preferable to somehow committing a social gaffe of epic proportions to a widow or freshly bereaved person.
You will be doing a lot of work on forgiveness as a result of this, I expect. You might have to apply some of that to the clueless humans who know you and may care deeply for you, but don't have any idea what to say or do for you.
Best wishes for you as you go through this, and I hope your new 'normal' is soon found and is a healthy place in which to dwell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): Sorry for your loss.
Suicide is a very hard subject to deal with as a friend. I've had a friend who lost a partner in the same circumstances. Frankly I found it uncomfortable and quite hard to be around her for a little while because unlike other kinds of loss of loved ones, suicide is a very difficult subject to approach because of the stigma and the unkown elements of it, I just didn't know what to say or how to be there for her and thought it best to let her grieve without interference from me.
In your circunstance as these guys may have shown an interest it might be even more uncomfortable as they might also be worried about being seen as trying to take advantage of a woman that has suffered such a great loss.
Perhaps they're just trying to give you the space they think you need.
I have to disagree with some of the other comments, the whole idea of 'true friends always being there' is a very myopic view and frankly doesn't fit every situation, a true friend will also know when to back off and give a person time/space.
It's not you that's scary, please don't forget that, it's suicide because there is a stigma attached to it and to be honest it's a subject that tends to be avoided because of this reason.
I come from a city in Ireland that at one point had the highest male suicide rate per capita in Europe. I've known many guys that have done it and have many friends that have lost brothers, best friends etc. to suicide. After the initial condolences it's never really spoken about again. It seems at least here in Ireland people can't see past how the person died to actually talk about their life, so things just stay unsaid.
I wouldn't take such a dim view on these guys as some of ther other posters suggest, if you really want to know what's in their heads try talking to them.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 June 2010):
I am very sorry for your loss. You have my sympathies.
A woman once told me that some men are great at being there for the good times, but rubbish at being there for the bad. She was right in some respects. There are some men who are supportive. But it sounds like these men were happy to do some harmless flirting and joking around when the times were good, but didn't know what to do or say when your tragedy unfolded. This does show a lack of maturity on their part I am afraid. You were married to another man, and they knew it would go nowhere. Now you're a widow, and they're scared because they can't handle it. It has nothing to do with you at all. Make sure you have your very closest friends around you, and family. At this time, what you don't need are unreliable men around you. My very best to you.
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Its nothing to do with you darling. Its very easy for men to be 'interested' in you when you are safely married to another man. They are usually commitment phobes who look for attached people, no strings sex, and just carry on in their own sweet way. Well that was fine when you were married, but now you're not. You're a single lady, sorry about the circumstances thats very difficult for you. AND you're very vulnerable, so snakes like these will come around and try to work on you while you're vulnerable, knowing you probably won't turn them away, but don't forget they are commitment phobes, so yes you are more scarey to them now - YOU'RE IN A POSITION WHERE THEY MAY HAVE TO MAKE A COMMITMENT - and nothing scares them more!!!!! So its not you thats scaring them, it would be any available, single, lady who may want more than casual sex with them, no strings attached. Dump them I'd say. You're worth more than that. You really need to protect yoruself at this time. Be very careful who you choose to be around. Best wishes.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I am very sorry for your loss. Bad enough for you, but that you have to help your kids to cope, I can only wish you strength.
In our society we don't cope especially well with death, particularly under these circumstances. Without knowing the guys, of course, it's impossible to say for sure. It's quite possible that they genuinely don't know how to deal with it so they're backing away -- a basic lack of maturity. It could be that the situation was "safe" while your husband was alive -- what they saw as harmless flirting that couldn't lead to anything. But that offering you genuine support now might lead to emotions they don't know how to deal with -- either getting too close to the grief, or something more.
A good friend would be in there supporting you. Whatever these guys are, it isn't 'good friends.'
That's a long way of saying it's not about you.
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reader, Lola1 +, writes (24 June 2010):
 It is NOT you. It IS them.
Well, if anyone has a right to feel scared, it's you. These men are lesser people than you and can not handle the burden of your understandable turmoil. Dismiss them as such.
You are a pillar of strength for your children in this awful time, and I am so sorry you have to be with two less friends to help see you through...
You have others to lean on... You and your family will not miss the loss of those two fragile "men" and should either of them come back, you will recognize their weaknesses, it will be their loss and they will know it.
Good luck, sweetheart. You're in my prayers...
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (24 June 2010):
 That would be guilt over loving a woman whose husband is recently deceased. Especially, after having expressed feelings for you while he was still alive.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (24 June 2010):
 There are a couple possibilities. In my experienced, very rarely do a men and women have a true "just friends" relationship. Usually one of the 2 has feelings for the other. You illustrated this perfectly describing your situation. It's that attraction and desire that can keep the relationship going. I hate to say this, but in my opinion I don't think you would have the friendships that you did without them having feelings for you. Were they simply pretending to be friends with you? No. But I think it's their attraction that makes them concerned for you.
Now the unspeakable happens.... your husband dies. This throws an unexpected variable into the mix - guilt. Sure, they had feelings for you, but they never wanted anything like this to happen to your husband. There's a good chance they feel guilty about having feelings for you now and the passing of your husband may have changed those feelings for you. There may not be that same desire as before towards you.
There have been many discussions on whether or not men and women can truly just be friends, and while there are always exceptions to the rules, in my opinion the vast majority of those relationships are based on at least one party having feelings. This leads to different behavior such as your situation.
For what it's worth, I'm very sorry for what happened to your husband. We are here if you ever need people to talk to.
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