A
female
age
30-35,
*ay_NotSure
writes:I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years. In the last year he asked me twice to marry him, after I said yes, he asked me 2 time to run off and get married in December last year and last month. However this month I found out he was cheating on me for a month and a half. Both he and the "woman" claimed to love each other and had an unborn child (the baby didn't make it)Separately we been trying to get pregnant for a few months . Its been a month after I found out and I told him I would work on this relationship with him, but he is not making it easy at all. Sometimes he still talks to the "woman" and gets food from her too. I am not sure if I made the right choice by staying. He seemed really sorry, heartbroken and willing to work on us too, but I can't shake the feeling that he is still cheating on me. Is this normal? Or was I just wrong for staying?
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female
reader, Kay_NotSure +, writes (24 March 2013):
Kay_NotSure is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much So_Very_Confused. N that is so true and understandable.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Kay Not Sure (the names we pick when we come here are so telling...look at mine)...
hugs to you I get now why you put the trying to have a baby in and yes I see your POV and mindset in letting us know how serious you were.
I'm glad you are no longer trying to conceive... and maybe I'm too old school but the rhyme "first comes love, then comes marriage then comes Kay in the baby carriage" rings over and over for me... I even raised my sons with the whole concept that you can't have a baby if you are not married (and yeah when they got to be 10 or 12 it had to be explained that women COULD get pregnant without a husband.... but by then I had ingrained my morals into them enough that they too will spout the whole MARRIAGE FIRST then babies to folks... just my opinion)
I hope that this resolves soon for you and you can become Kay Very Sure...
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A
female
reader, Kay_NotSure +, writes (20 March 2013):
Kay_NotSure is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me clarify: Before the cheating we were trying to have kids NOT after nor right now. I only put that part in to explain how hurt I really am and how I feel betrayed b/c the "woman" got to have and lost his first child instead of me having his first child. Besides that I understand what everyone is saying and appreciate it alot
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 March 2013):
He is a cheater, and you have that information now. Anything that happens to you now going forward is your own fault for putting yourself there.
Oh yeah, if you decide to have a child with this person, you should have your head examined.
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A
female
reader, Kay_NotSure +, writes (20 March 2013):
Kay_NotSure is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys from your answers. I really appreciate them
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Its normal to feel doubt and distrust for him now, its not easy to get back on track after you have been cheated on. Maybe you made the decision too quickly to take him back, but it may not be the wrong thing if you want to be with him. I think you could benefit from a long think to yourself and figure out if you are capable of building back up the relationship, if you feel you can't then its a waste of time and him cheating will always rear its ugly head throughout the relationship. You will argue and throw it back in his face, you won't feel secure in the relationship etc... You need to be sure there's enough left in your heart to believe this is still salvageable and whether or not its worth trying.
The very wrong thing to do is for him to still be in contact with this woman, it won't do your reassurance any good. He needs to prove to you he's sincere this time round and its disrespectful if he knows how broken you feel about this and he is still friends with the very woman partly responsible for this mess to begin with. If he wants to give this another go with you, its your right to tell him to cut this woman out of his life completely, or there is a very high chance she will come between you both again in similar fashion as before, in the future.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
STOP trying to get pregnant. I don’t get the whole get pregnant BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED thing.
The first thing I would do if you even want to stay with him (and I can understand if you do but it won’t be easy and it probably won’t last long term so be very careful about getting married or having babies with him) is tell him that because he lied and cheated he is not trustworthy and therefore he has to comply with some different rules that an adult who is trustworthy.
This is not fun. It’s very parental and it will take months and months and months of you checking constantly and not finding anything before you will even begin to trust him (is it worth it?)
Even if you go 9 months and nothing happens, what do you think you will wonder the first time you call him and he does not answer the phone? Yep you will assume he’s with another woman. And you may be right. IS IT WORTH IT?
IF you still want to continue with a liar and a cheater then you have to lay out the rules… if he balks at any of them, I’d consider leaving. IF he says “you don’t trust me!” the response is “YOU ARE CORRECT I DO NOT TRUST YOU” IF he does that, then he’s probably still hiding stuff… folks with nothing to hide will open their lives to you… phone, email. Web history… folks that get all defensive and angry… usually are hiding something.
Anyway the rules:
You get access to all his passwords and his phone. DO NOT CHECK on his phone for stuff as he will delete it… you need to check the account online as all the records are there even if he deletes them off his phone.
HE has to cut ALL contact with this woman (they no longer have a child that binds them so there is no need for him to “get food from her”).
You check his email and his web browser install a keylogger if you must.. (history can be manipulated but key loggers will save it all)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Sounds to me like you've got yourself a cheating man who doesn't seem to "see" the error in/of his ways....
WHY would you want to entangle yourself with (marry) such a creature?????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Okay, the worse thing you can do is have a baby with this guy...don't bring a child into the world thinking you are going to turn this guy around from not being able to remain faithful with one partner. He has been able to continue cheating because you and anyone else have excused his behavior and there have been no real consquences for his actions. He chooses to cheat on his partner instead of committing to one person. He is not mature enough or has any moral compass yet.He needs to have real concrete in his face consequences to making a choice to cheat. The person he cheated on needs to leave him and remove themselves from his life. If it means anything to him and it hurts him where it counts, then he will understand and possibly change his ways/behavior...maybe. If you want a trustworthy guy, someone who really loves and respects you, and someone who will stay committed in a relationship with you, you need to dump this guy and find someone else because he is not the one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): The fact that he is still talking to her and getting food from her should answer your question. Obv he doesn't care about your feelings being that he is not willing to give her up. Do yourself a favor and leave this loser. I can't understand why anyone would put up with a cheater. There's 6 billion people in the world and your gonna stay with one who plays you for a fool. Find yourself a good man, someone who will respect you and be loyal. Imagine if you marry this guy. You will forever wonder what hes up to and why torture yourself. Good luck!!
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