A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20, going on 21 very soon, and I've recently met a 35-year-old guy whom I really fancy through a friend at work (I have a full-time career as I never went to university). He definitely isn't my usual "type," and we have some quite significant differences (he's very reserved whereas I'm extremely extroverted) but we have enough in common (we both have the same taste in music/books/hobbies) and I find him physically attractive enough that I'm considering asking him out. Is this a bit of a risky move, though? I value our friendship quite a bit as we "click" so well sometimes; I'd be quite sad if he didn't like me back and stuff was completely changed between us. Also, while I like him a lot despite his shyness/geekiness, which some but not me think are bad things (and he's single right now, of course) I'm not sure if he'd "like me back" in the same way at all. I look at him and I see an intelligent, mature guy, but while I'm physically attractive and I am funny and friendly/kind to people I'm worried that he might see me as too much of a "kid" to really think of me in that way.I'm not sure if he likes me back at all. Sometimes, he's a bit grumpy/rude to me and everyone (which is why I suspect he isn't already married at this age, besides his long work hours, as he does often talk about wanting kids with my friend), but sometimes we "click" really well and I could listen to him for hours. He's quite a gentleman, and very respectful to women (even when my other friend started going into "guy talk" about some hot celebrity, he said that he didn't think that that was appropriate) so I haven't so much as caught him check me out or anything. But he's always brushing his hair out of his eyes and holding deep eye contact with me for ages whenever we talk (he doesn't do this with anyone else) and sometimes he'll tease me about being "shy" around him, saying stuff like "don't be scared" even though he's almost my height (and I am very petite). I sprained my ankle slightly in heels when we were out for dinner with friends one time, and though he wasn't very verbally affectionate like my other friends, he was the one who offered to (and did) support me the whole way home. He was still quite reserved, though - he kept asking for permission again and again before he so much as put an arm around me.I have a lot of guy friends around my age, some of whom are more my physical "type" and some whom have expressed interest in me. However, though I haven't even so much as been on a date before (I've had plenty of chances but have been too caught up with work/studies for my teenage years - though I have had the odd drunken kiss/make out at a party!) I think personality is key in a relationship. None of my male peers around my age I like enough/seem as respectful towards women as this guy. He is very reserved, though, so even not considering our age difference I'm not sure if it would be worth a try or not! Honestly, my long-term goal is marriage (I'm not a girl for short-term flings or frivolous stuff at all) so I might be shooting myself in the foot by tying up some of my dating years with someone incompatible age-wise in the long run, even if he does say yes.Should I go for it? Should I wait till I get to know him better? Should I leave it? Advice would be great, thanks :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): I'll be honest, I didn't read the entire post. However, I would say that since you had to ask, it's probably something to think about. Everyone's different and everyone's mental age is also different. I disagree with below who said you don't need to think about long term. Because what's the point of dating someone short term, if you would like to get married one day? I would say always think long term. Could you put up with the age difference when you're much older? I personally would say there's too many fish in the sea to give this much older guy a change but it's up to you. I would much rather be with someone only a few years older. Who' still "older" yet understands me, and sees eye to eye.
A
female
reader, bellax  +, writes (12 September 2014):
 i say its fine im 19 but liking a 28 year old man i had a crush on him for years but the only way to know how he feels about you is if you tell him
how could he know if you never ask or take a risk asking who knows he
might just like you back-
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A
female
reader, ShakeWutUrMamaGaveYou +, writes (7 September 2014):
Hi Y/n,First of all, if you love him and he loves you, I don't think the age should matter, unless you're 16 or under.I remember writing a post saying that all guys are different, and although some seem the same as others, they have their ways of doing stuff, so I guess the only thing that will tell you for sure if he likes you is by telling him. How long have you known him? If you've known him for a short amount of time, try to know him a bit more longer before you make a move. Or at least, make sure you're ready and certain and CONFIDENT to do it. Good luck! xxx!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): As a guy 9 years older than my wife who was 19 when we decided to date I say what you want is unrealistic in even the guys your own age, much less a guy so much older.
I'd happily date someone your age again and I'm roughly his age but not one who can't handle flings or things ending up short term as it mostly turns out that way with age gap relationships and I don't like the idea of hurting a 20 year old so set on finding "the one".
OP I think your idea of respect may need some fine tuning. Holding doors open, being polite are social codes of courtesy not signs of respect and asking your permission for everything isn't either. It makes him meek, unsure of himself and how to act around women.
If you subscribe to feminist theories of social constructs and how men "should" act then you're even more screwed because most of those are just not relevant, real nor realistic goals to have in any man that isn't repressed or have a saviour complex. But you're in luck, this guy is completely repressed.
Be sure not to confuse maturity or a repressed nature with respect or liking you. I don't engage in "guy talk" when there are women (or men) I deem to be prudes who get easily offended around but I do engage in it pretty vociferously with my friends and wife. I especially don't engage in that shit around the work place because even minor discussions can be considered "harassment" these days as working women are seemingly too emotional and incapable of managing their egos.
The guy is moody and withdrawn from the sounds of things, OP, not shy. But hey if mopey, grumpy, rude and overly respectful (yes that can be a thing) is what you like in a guy then I say go for it.
Age matters in a hell of a lot of ways trust me and in your case as a 20 year old who only wants to date a life partner you're talking about him being 40 around the time you may want kids, being 50 when they reach ten years old and if you plan on having kids late then even later. For a woman with a plan such as yours he's not the ideal partner.
You suspect he's a mopey bastard because he's not married and doesn't have kids? Pretty wild assumption to make when you're judging this guy as marriage material and if you're right it means he's a person embittered by life. How sexy.
It may well be the reason he's not married and have a kid, in fact without even knowing the guy it sounds very much like that.
He's 35 and he's even afraid to touch you without asking permission? To you that may sound cute and respectful, to me it sounds like fear and repression.
He's also emotionally distant, and feels awkward around you when you're happy? So what then, you have to be as mopey as him to be able to feel comfortable around him in the long term?
Seriously, am I missing in something in your attraction for this guy there's some pretty big red flags with this "shy/geek" 35 year old.
If you were okay with trying out guys, you know actually dating to just date and see if you're compatible I'd say go for it, but you're in search of "the one", and in that case I think there are too many negatives to trying it on with him, at least for now.
You said "recently" and you're really taking this too much at face value. Take your time and get to know him a bit first, see if he opens up as a friend first. That way if I'm wrong and he's not a repressed, bitter, undateable weirdo then you haven't committed to anything in finding out.
Age is not the biggest problem for you here, OP, inexperience is. And while I think you should revise your plan it's your life to lead, but you're basing a lot of your like for this guy on assuming the pretty worrying traits he displays are cute signs of respect and shyness.
You should do more digging. I wouldn't risk my heart on a person who is like how you describe this guy no matter how sweet they are. Especially seeing as this guy has a pretty public nasty streak of being rude to people. Not the sign of a well adjusted man mentally, OP. There's no hurry in this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): As someone who has a child with a 42 year old man, and I am 20, I say from my experience No please don't have a relationship with this older man. When I met my ex it was exciting for me he made me feel "grown up" mature, he paid me all the compliments going, every date ended up in the bedroom afterwards, until I got pregnant and lost my figure. I was no longer appealing to him, as he didn't care about me as a person as I learned, I was his midlife crisis, to boast his own ego,please dont learn that the hard way. Stick to boys your own age. Not judging, lived your situation.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (6 September 2014):
 Im the same age as the guy you like and to be brutally honest I would not date a girl of 20/21 as, with the greatest of respect, when you get to 30 plus you realize how young 21 actually is.
What I want from my life, my outlook, world view, experience and my needs from a relationship and partner are very, very different to my early twenties.
Im all for age gap relationships, in fact I have had relationships with women older than me by 20 years, but when one side of a couple is 20 and the other 35 the age gap in terms of maturity, experience and world view is massive.
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@olderthandirt - true that, yeah. We do have the same taste in music/books/hobbies, and he's fairly "laid-back" for someone his age (I have other friends around that age), but the generation gap might make a difference. Thanks :)
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 September 2014):
 OK.... so when you are the age he is now, he will be 50. How would you feel about that?
As a 31 year old woman, I teach people your age. Although there are often those students who I do click with and get on well with, they are babies. Usually I end up mothering them! I cannot imagine having any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with them. it would be wrong on so many levels! I have nothing in common with them at all, and in a completely different phase of my life to them.
This man was 15 when you were born. Can you imagine dating someone who is 5 years old now? What would you have in common with them?
I suspect he is shy, inexperienced with women, and is just being polite to you. If he wanted to make a move, he would have taken the opportunity already.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 September 2014):
 It's very very difficult to juggle two life experiences at the same time, I'm reminisant of the time I really felt old(not that I'm young) nut I mentioned the character Fonzy and the young lady I was talking to had NO idea what I was talking about. I assumed everyone knew who Fonzy was.However, it was a generation ago...Lots of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Euphoric29 - thanks! :) Good point - carpe diem and all that, I guess. I have told a guy I liked him before and hugely regretted it, but in that case I knew he was a total sexist beforehand but wasn't totally honest with myself.He is a gentleman in a certain sense, that's true, but he can also be quite reserved/distant, and often doesn't seem to know what to do or how to respond when I'm in a friendly, happy, bubbly mood (or others are like that). I'm just worried that it might ruin our friendship - even if he's cool with me liking him, stuff would just be awkward afterwards. I'd also hate to feel rejected - I don't like "opening up" to guys that much in general. I might try dropping him a hint (or doing everything apart from say explicitly I like him to test the waters, lol). Would saying something like "You look cute" work?
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 September 2014):
Dear OP,
You can think about it as much as you like, but at some point, it's just better to find out. You can't know everything in advance. And at the end of your life, you might be more likely to regret the chances that you didn't take, the questions you didn't ask, the challenges you declined, than the mistakes you had to make in order to learn.
Janniepeg is totally right, you don't need to know if you will settle for him or if he likes you back or if you can love him forever.. who knows that when dating? All you need to do is try to get to know him better and communicate your interest. So far, he has always been a gentleman, so chances are that even if it wouldn't work out, he would act like a civilized person and not make your life harder than it is.
And also I think, that the age gap can be problematic, but it's absolutely possible to make a family happen.
So, don't overthink this. Signal your interest and you will find out if it's something more or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@janniepeg - thanks, great answer :) I'm kind of worried that I'll end up "falling in too deep" if I date him, though? I've never been on a date before (had offers, but I've just been really focused on work/being a student a few years ago) and I'm not sure if I should "set the bar" a bit higher/differently. I don't really want to lead him on/alter our friendship if dating him doesn't go anywhere.
Do you reckon he fancies me based on stuff like his body language (e.g. him always playing with his hair when he looks at me, the way some women do when they're attracted to a guy?)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 I would say go for it. Dating means getting to know someone better. You don't have to think long term yet. Just don't settle only because you think good guys are that rare. They are not. He's afraid of being teased by his friends for dating a girl so young so you will have to take the initiative and show them it's okay and you are compatible. Just make sure he is healthy and has a lot of energy reserved for old age.
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