A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had to meet my ex recently (broke up couple months ago - he fell in love with someone else at work). He had something of mine that I needed back. Think I was ready to meet him and glad I did, we chatted for about an hour and he left. During our conversation, I told him how I had been feeling. The whole situation is a mess, I am in a mess as I still love him to bits, and he still loves me too, he just loves another and wants to see if it is going to work with this other girl. He said he really thought he would marry me, and I thought I would marry him too, he said he didn't feel secure thinking of a future with me, where as with this other girl he feel that she would be there whatever happens, basically he feels more secure with her. Now I do not know if he was tying to justify his decision by saying such things to me, and he said she is more homely etc too. I was a bit hurt. He did say that I had done nothing wrong in the relationship, that if we had been married he would have knocked it on the head with this girl and would have made every effort for it to work with me.I just felt gutted all over again, I hugged him for a while before he left and it felt so good. He doesn't know why what happened, happened, and is still very confused. I believe everything happens for a reason and told him that if he hadn't met this girl (and he wish he hadn't etc) then it could have happened with another girl in the future possibly. Maybe there is something lacking within him, he is weak or whatever. But we ended up telling each other that we cannot live without never seeing the other every again and we miss each other. He thinks of me always, i am never far from his thoughts.Is it really possible to love tow women, to be in such a state? I know its all new in his relationship with this other girl and as it is apparently they haven't had much time together due to certain circumstances. I said he needs to give it a chance, and wished him well, and hoped he would find happiness, whilst inside I was tearing apart, and a part of me wished it wont work out.. I guess that is normal. I just feel utterly helpless, I love someone (even though he cheated..crazy!) yet I can't be with him now. He still very much loves me and we just can't seem to let the other go. We are going to stay in touch from time to time. I wouldn't dream of coming between him and this girlfriend. I do not want to be sitting around on the sidelines either to see if it is going to work out between them. I am trying to fill my time with the things I enjoy and really need to focus on me. I just need reassurance that things will get better, and advice as to what the best thing to do is? I need to back off now and have no contact I think, unless he texts me first to see how I am doing. I cant think straight right now and dont want to do anything stupid. Please help.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 September 2014):
 Well, I think he CAN have feelings for both of you, though I'm not sure he actually does, and I don't think EITHER of you are his priority. I think him telling you he still cares about you, is to ensure he can keep you as a "SPARE" in case this NEW girl doesn't work out. And honestly, no one should accept to be someone's spare.
It might just be something as simple as EGO - he is getting his ego MASSIVELY stroked knowing TWO women are in love with him - that MUST make him some kind of "The MAN" (at least in his book.) So of course he will tell you he has feeling for you still, so he can FAN your feelings for him and make HIM feel better about himself.
As for her being more plain and that makes him feel more secure, that is saying a lot more about HIM them you or her. It's also putting a lot more STOCK into your looks and her looks than anything else. It kind of makes him seem a little pathetic. Like he can't HANDLE having a pretty GF.
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To quote my favorite captain...
“if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.”
? Johnny Depp
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): Hi I am the original poster. All these answers are really helpful, thank you. You made me see things in the right perspective. I nearly e mailed him this morning to tell him how cut up I was over his words the other night, I woke up actually feeling angry about what he said etc. Then I thought, naaa I am bigger then that, what would come of that? Absolutely nothing. And yes you are all right, no contact, nothing is the best way forward. He is such an idiot, and it is his loss I know. I doubt it will last with this one but I have to get myself to the point where I don't care about it all, about him, where I am happy in myself. I need to keep busy and occupied and surround myself with people who like me for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): Hi hun, i would love to have answers for you but i dont, but im in a similar situation with my husband, i know he has a fancy woman but i think he has some love for me, i really dont know what to do either. I hope you find someone thatu can trust and will make u happy and feel special x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): "Is it really possible to love [two] women, to be in such a state?"No, but it's very easy for a guy to say he loves two women, especially when he wants to actively pursue one while stringing the other along as a convenient fallback to ensure he'll always have a Plan B in place should Plan A be smart enough to quickly realize what a lying, two-timing weasel he is and dump him. Sorry, but I can't understand how you can profess to "love him to bits" when he's treated you with such contempt. Do you not have the self-esteem and/or common sense to know how grievously he's insulted you? Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves.When will needy, insecure chicks ever learn? Don't believe what a guy SAYS, believe what he DOES.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 September 2014):
 He doesn't love you. He's just saying that to you because he knows how you feel.
Just look at his words..."he said he didn't feel secure thinking of a future with me, where as with this other girl he feel that she would be there whatever happens, basically he feels more secure with her. He said she is more homely etc too. I was a bit hurt."
OP he has basically done the equivalent of slapping you across the face with his words. He has left you for the other women, he has cheated on you and he's made it clear that you're not good enough for him. Do you still even want to look at this man's face? Do you think that this man can be capable of loving you after what he's said? Is your sense of self-worth really that low?
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A
female
reader, Delphi +, writes (6 September 2014):
I want you to step back from the situation.Mentally take a step back.View the whole scenario like a third person would. Now tell me how you feel.You already mentioned in your post how miserable you are. Is it worth it?Is anyone worth being unhappy for? In your case its not just problems between both of you.Two people in love overcome their differences if they set their heart on making it work. But...When there is a third person involved,its sheer drama. Letting go: Uncomplicating your life by Adams,Otto and Cowley is a great book to read.It changed my life. The power of positive living by Norman Vincent Peale is a great book too. You are on the right track already.You can add Learning something new to your list of things to do. If you feel like calling him,try doing something else..gardening,listening to music,reading books.He made his choice.Where is the healthy self esteem to say,"Chuck it!".:)
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 September 2014):
 It's byond my limited brain to understand how any man can love two or more women at the same time. You only have one heart to give..so proceed with caution...the gutting feeling could return.Malama Pono
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): It will get better, it must have come as a massive shock when he left and you are still recovering from that. You just need to give yourself some time. You should definitely go no contact, but that means not responding when he texts you and you should consider blocking his number. It will be a much, much slower process if you keep in any kind of contact and you will be reminded of him every now and again and won't be able to forget him. I agree with everything janniepeg has said - I don't think he's 'in love' with either of you, if he was, he would have kept the two of you very separate and you wouldn't have overlapped. My best friend said he was in love with two women at the same time and when he was with one, he seemed to be completely besotted with her, it was very peculiar to watch him, because if you saw him with either, you would think 'WOW he really likes that girl!'. He could not make up his mind between them, but eventually, it ended with the both, but not because they found out about each other or anything like that. A while later, he met another girl and he ACTUALLY fell in love with her. He couldn't even entertain the thought of another woman and although maybe he might give another woman an admiring glance, he never cheated on her or pursued anyone else, despite his past behaviour. Just as janniepeg has said, sooner or later, he'll get bored of this other girl too and move on ... and you should be well out of the picture when that happens, with someone else who really loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): Time to break free. All you are doing is boosting his ego and giving him more attention than he deserves. Time to get real. He's emotionally playing you off with comments which are hurtful and damaging to your self esteem. Time to start grieving the end of this relationship without him and work through that pain barrier and move on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 Whenever I see a triangular relationship I see a man not being truly happy with either but trying to get the best of both worlds. It's the indecisiveness that create tension, suspense and postpones having to be responsible. You are hurting because you feel like you lose in the competition but you didn't really think if the prize is really worth it.
He loves the idea that two women love him. He doesn't love, in the sense of devotion and commitment. I feel sorry for that homely girl. Later he's going to tell another woman how his wife is not exciting or whatever and he's not happy.
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