A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:Should I admit to seeing my partners writings and how can I deal with this? Recently my partner made a list of things she wanted. 1. To visit her family. (500 miles away)2. To go on holiday abroad to the sea. 3. To move in to a larger house in the country with outbuildings and some land.I have been trying to move somewhere together for a long time but always she had a reason to wait.Most of the time (almost always), I pay for everything as I work full time and she does a day of work every now and then, and she persues her creative side.I realised that this was going to be a pretty expensive time but wanted to start by going to see her family so I arranged a trip.Prior to going my girlfriend had been distancing herself form me. I have been excluded from going out if she is meeting certain friends. Also she will never let me knowif we are seeing each other until the last minute. The result is that sometimes I have to request days off and hope that she will be available. If I ask her to commit to something in the future she gets angry and accuses me of 'chaining her' of 'suffocating her' and of being jealous and possessive. I have had some good reason to feel jealousy in this realtionship and have battled with my feelings in this area. She uses this almost as a weapon against me now and I am not allowed to know anything about who she lunches with or who's flat she goes to or where she has been. I'm not allowed to ask any questions at all as she gets angry and attacks me. She also lies sometimes about where she was or who she has seen if I do chance a question. This becomes apparant because she forgets her lies and starts to tell a different story sometimes afterwards - either to me or to friends in my presence. I hate arguements as they upset me inside very much so over time I have learned not to ask anything. I am also not allowed to express my feelings. I cannot use the word 'love' or 'care' or 'share' - the result being that I feel closed down and controlled. When we arrive at her family her attitude towards me changes - and has done all the time I have known them.She is the person I remember - tactlie - caring smiling, affectionate towards me. She even talks about buying a place together to them and has blatently lied to them about us searching for a property together.I had to return to work early so it was decided she should stay for a week and I should return to collect her the following weekend. When I left she asked me to check on her place ad as we both have keys for each other's place I agreed. This meant that I had to drive and hour and half after work which I didn't mind. When I arrived I let myself in to check all was well. Sometimes we stay at each others place even if the other is away. What I will explain next I have mixed feelings about. My girlfriend sometimes writes and has ambition amongst other things to make some money from her writings. She has notebooks etc which in the past she has said that I can read anything. On a rare occaision I have read a little but have found them to be a mix of creative writing and then a bit of diary entry or poetry - sometimes she has given me things to read. She is quite untidy most of the time and will use an old scrap of paper or the back of an envelope on occasion. On this visit I noticed my name written in some writing on an old envelope on the shelf and I'm ashamed to say I was drawn to read it. I feel guilty even though she has said I can read her creative writing but I believe she does not want me to read everything. She has become angry on two occasions when I picked up scraps of paper thinking they were rubbish or left out and therefore not private. This is what it said:"I don't know how to solve this. I wish I could meet somebody who could help me. If I split from him it's a big thing becasuse my family have all welcomed him in. He says he is in love with me - and all the 'elements' are there to make it seem perfect. - except that I'm not in love with him and it's a conscious effort to remain with him - like something I've decided to do and am making myself stick to it rather than a feeling that he's the one for me - the only one and I don't even look at anyone else. Unfortunately I look at lots of others - and have thoughts maybe - but I've conditioned myself to accept that I'm with him and that's the way it is. It's like I'm in an unhappy marriage - the way I've resigned myself to it. why don't I just leave? Why am I even writing this? It's because I'm stuck there and it's comfortable and because I know how much it'd hurt him (and my family) if we split - cos I've done it before. So I can't do it until I'm really certain that it's what I want. So I suppose that's why I'm writing this and taking some time out to think." And then on a second envelope - "Here I am again. Desperate to break away from him. On my own - feeling strange. It's become such a habit to be with him all the time. But it's habit I want to break because my life isn't going in the direction I want it to. Most of the time we are together we don't do anything. I still don't feel comfortable with him. I don't like the way he has to invade every area of my life. I can never call him my boyfriend or partner to anyone - it just doesn't feel right. I wish I could meet someone else. It's comfortable and familiar and I've got the urgent issue of child bearing years. What if I split from him and then don't find somebody else. Would that be worse than having a child with him when I know that I'm only with him for that. Shouldn't I be fair with him and let him find someone who wants him and isn't just keeping him as backup. I can't imagine having sex with him again. He's become a familiar presence - a mate - who slightly irritates me a lot of the time but that I'm quite comfortable with and find it easy to hang out with."Reading this affected me badly. She has been letting me search for houses abroad in the country saying she wants to be there with me. She has told me she has given notice on her current place which she lives in rent free (this belongs to a friend of a friend) We eat out at least twice a week - cinema, theatre sometimes and attend a gallery or music event from time to time. I drive her to the countryside and have taken her on surprise trips abroad. She has accepted all these things and many of them she has requested - at the same time as keeping me at a distance. She even has asked me to back her creative life financially and recently taken me shopping so that we can buy christmas presents for her family. She wants me to buy a new car so that we can go on holiday abroad and tour. Even in these two notes she accuses me of invading every part of her life but the reality is that I've never been allowed to be with her and accepted by her as a partner in certain parts of her life. I have been excluded. Looking back - the only time she was 'happpy' was when she we were getting together and she was still sleeping with 2 other ex's apart from me. From the moment I found out about this and confronted her (and this was after being introduced to all of her family - which was big deal for her) she started to accuse me of trying to invade her life. I have suppported her through all and also for 6 years before we got together when we were close friends. In the time we have been together she has slept with 2 complete strangers been back in bed with an ex - and has met many ex's for lunch, dinner, outings etc. I have never once allowed an ex to threaten my reltionship and when I once mentioned I could get in touch to see how an ex was getting along after receiving a missed call my partner was angry and made feel like I was having an affair. It is one rule for her and one for me.I have felt so insecure in this relationship at times especially when she has ended up in bed with an ex or a guy 'but nothing happened' and I have had to accept her continued connections with her many ex's totally which I am completely excluded from. I feel used.I feel pretty low at the moment but I am still working. I don't know what to do and although I can see the only real option is to walk away - somewhere in me I still love her and want to show her that it can work - that she can have something more than just an involvement - that a guy can commit to one woman and be happy.If you have taken the time to read this I thank you. The people here who have replied to me before have been so helpful. I can't see things clearly any more.I feel angry because I have felt put down for years and she has denied and denied and blamed me for everything. I am angry and in some ways I want her to feel my pain too - and I'm sorry I have these feelings.I would be very grateful for your advice or thoughts. Thank you..
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male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (1 September 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.Since returning from her family she has been making an effort and has been more affectionate towards me. She has, for the first time genuinely it seems, said that she wants to move away with me and wants me to buy a house; she also says that she will go with me if I transfer my work to another region. I really can not understand how she can be this way, say these things. She has written that she doesn't love me. That she wishes she can meet someone else. I have felt so much pain in this relationship - I'm so angry for how low I have become. I'm not myself any more. I wish I could make her understand how her actions have affected me. I wish she felt this. Her family don't know this side of her. I feel I must break away but I can't cope with contact at all if I do - but I will also miss her family.I do realise that my need to please others and be part of a family is strong and this is a barrier I have to try to overcome.Thank you all for your support in this. It is appreciated.
A
female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (30 August 2009):
You made a list of all the things that trouble you about your relationship with this woman. You agonize over ending the relationship. Why? Although you recognize that the relationship is give and take, by that I mean you give and she takes you expose yourself to this type of emotional and mental abuse. You have become very comfortable in this dysfunctional relationship. The fear of leaving is greater than the pain you feel in this relationship. In other words, you would rather be used like this than experience life without being used whether it is her or someone else. Look at your "need" to please others. Your "need" to be part of a family. Giving her the heave-ho does not mean that you cut these needs out of your life. Giving her the heave-ho gives you the opportunity to find the woman that will appreciate you and will give back to you. This is clearly not happening with this woman. Buying a house? She is telling you this is what "she" wants to fulfill herself. Why are you responsible for fulfilling her needs - what about you? You count too. I agree with QuirkLady, leave. It may be painful in the beginning, but you will find the correct person and you will find this woman in the least expecting situation. Put yourself out there and enjoy life and above all "be good to yourself". You will find your significant other and she will appreciate and love you.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (30 August 2009):
 Oh, I should have read this followup before my mailbox....
You need to leave her. Right now. You have the truth staring you in the face and now is the time to act on it. Either talk to her and tell her, or walk away and leave a note. Actually, in your case I suggest a Dear John (Jane?) letter and a COMPLETE cessation of contact. I can tell you are a very passive person, which is why you drove her almost a thousand miles and haven't kicked this selfish spoiled woman out the door yet.
She is using and lying to you.
That little bit of affection you're getting is NOT worth the agony you feel.
She does not love you.
You have to walk away right now and take control of your life.
Every day you wait is another day wasted.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (29 August 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to send a follow up ..I feel stronger when thinking about the possibility of this ending - something I have not been able to consider at all up to now. I drove with her to see her family last weekend as both they wanted to see us and she wanted to visit. She decided to stay a few days and then I drove back to collect her again as I had to work a few days. The journey is about 950 miles round trip. It was a lovely visit and her family were great as always. My gf was completely different with me in front of them. She was sweet and affectionate. We arrived back at 1am and I had to sleep straight away as I had work the next day. She stayed with me that night. The next day I came back from work and at about 8pm I got a text from here to say she is back at her place. I then don't see her for the next 4 days. I can't drive over the other side of town after work as it leaves no time in the evening and such an early start the next day. Since finding her two notes saying she is keeping me as 'back up' and that she deosn't love me, that she is unhappy, that she wishes she could meet someone else, that she can't imagine ever having sex with me again and that I irritate her most of the time she has been talking more and more about us buying a house together -(Or should I say me buying a house as she doesn't work) She has told me that she has made the decision to give up the place she is living in (rent free for the last 3 years from a friend of a guy she knows) and that she wants us to buy a house somewhere. The guy will take the place back but has told her she can stay there whenever she wants - something this guy would like. This place is next door to an ex 'involvement' of hers. I feel she is using me to move on but I can't be sure because she is very convincing. She says she wants to live in a nice place with land and outbuildings which can be converted in to studio space.I haven't admitted to seeing the notes she wrote yet. It is quite hard toi have her be affectionate towads me and at the same time know what she really feels. Why would she still want to live with me? Why would she still want me to buy buy a house in the country?She is still very quiet about what she does when we are not together and I am not allowed to ask her. I have the feeling she is seeing an ex or two as she lets things slip when she talks and so I can understand some general places she has been. She seems to want to keep her ex's - maybe as a back up too I don't know. She certainly doesn't seem to want to put her egss in to one basket.I just feel like nothing. In a way I want to wait until the end of next month when she hands the keys to her place back to see what happens. There is no way I would accept her moving in with the guy and sharing - and as for her moving in to my place - she has made it perfectly clear that she hates it here and would not consider living here with me. Here is not big enough really and in a built up area and not what she wants.If you people have any thoughts I would be grateful to read them.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (21 August 2009):
I agree with everyone else, you are too good for her.
She admits that being with you doesn't feel right, but she is happy to use your money, your time, and your feelings for whatever she needs. She cheated on you, she lies to you and she makes you feel terrible.
I can't imagine how painful it must have been for you to want to say you love her and have her deny you. I believe that if someone really loves you they will have no problem with that declaration.
You can definitely do better. I know that you love her, but the truth has come out. She does not love you back. You deserve to have someone in your life who loves you honestly and truly for the person that you are.
In this case, I think you should admit to reading her writing, and it has made you realize that you two should not be together. Then wish her the best of luck and move on to someone worthy.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): I am young, yes. But even I can clearly see what you need to do here. I think alot of the people who come to this site seeking advice, usually already know the answer deep down within themselves. You sound like a very sweet and caring guy, someone most women only dream of falling in love with and marrying. Why on earth are you wasting your life on someone who can see the world creatively but cant see the beauty in you when its standing right in front of her?
I agree with the previous posters. You are far, far, far too good for a woman like her. She is using you in the worst ways and you are letting her. Dont be afraid to break away from this, you are so much better than just someone's doormat. Drop her and never look back. Find the person who has been waiting to love you all her life.
Please let me know how it goes. Message me anytime. And dont forget to take a good hard look at yourself and realize that you are a wonderful person who SHE doesnt deserve.
xoxo
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A
female
reader, goodwoman +, writes (21 August 2009):
Hello Guy619, you know what to do....leave. When the pain of this relationship exceeds any gain you will leave. You will make a clean break of it. You recognize that you are in denial. You recognize that her behavior towards you is wrong. This relationship (if I can even call it that) is one-sided (your side). It makes no difference what the parents, kids, nieces, nephews think about what she is or isn't doing. What do you think they will do for you? You have to act. You are convenient for your girlfriend. She is scared and rather than face her fears to meet life's challenges she uses you to provide her with things. This person lacks the confidence to go out and achieve on her own. So, there you are - you provide everything and then you expect what? Do you think she is going to thank-you? You are a means to an end.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (21 August 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStarfairy,
I understand that too and I know people are just human and many times just trying not to hurt the other person - but I can't help remembering that she was persuing me for a long time before we got together and told me she had those real feelings. Surely being clear with the other person as soon as we realise there is an imbalance is the kindest thing to do - then if a person decides to try to make a go of it - it is in the knowledge that the partner doesn't feel the same level of love or care - or that the other preson feels nothing and is just in the relationship in a casual way. My partner has sheilded me from her lack of feelings. She has pretended that she has feelings sometimes, when she wanted me to pay for a holiday or drive a thousand miles in a weekend to take her to see her family, and then other times she has turned her back on me and made me feel like a freak for telling her I love her.
I doubt that you did that even if you did have an underlying feeling that you didn't want to grow old with your ex. 7 months is a long time not to know but we have known each other for 9 years and were close friends for 6. We have been together over 3 and a half years and now I think back I realise she may never have had any feelings of love for me - because the only time she ever accepted my words of love and responded in kind was when she was still sleeping with 2 other ex's right at the beginning of our relationship. I used to beat myself up because I sensed that she denied me - that she denied any relationship with me to other people - that she was staying away from me at parties because she didn't want to be associated with me - but at the same time pulling me down and telling me I'm wierd or just plain wrong and accusing me of wanting to suffocate her. Her feelings of suffocation surely can only be the result of her lack of feelings for me. And her accusations of my jealousy - just a way of controlling me and keeping me away from her in public or when it suited her. I was jealous when she was in bed with an ex. I was not ever jealous of her talking with a guy or dancing or anything as long as it was not a threat to the relationship.
I think I'm just angry now. I feel I have been manipulated and the convenience of my love for her has been used as a meal ticket for over 3 years. That is not a nice thing to say but I feel it and I'm sorry I feel it.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (20 August 2009):
 I was with someone 7 months. He worshipped the ground I walked on, declared his undying love for me, said he'd die if he couldn't grow old with me. I knew I didn't love him and couldn't ever feel the same way about him as he did for me, after about 3 months, but I stayed an extra 4 months just hoping perhaps my feelings might change, not wanting to hurt this amazing, generous, kind and loving man. It nearly killed me to have to cause him hurt but the feelings weren't mutual and I couldn't force them, and it wasn't fair to either of us.
I'm not a bitch, an evil person or conniving. Just human, not wanting to hurt another, not wanting to let down my family and friends who all really really liked this guy.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (20 August 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStarfairy,
Black and white is clear I know.. but what if she was just feeling down - what if she really does care but gets low - why would she continue to let me try to be the best I can for her if she is in an unhappy marriage. I know what you say makes sense but I think I'm in denial. I couldn't string someone along this way - I would feel cruel to do so - and yet I can't think that she wants to be cruel to me.
After reading the notes I want her family to know how she has been feeling. Her young neices and nephews think of me as an uncle now and the rest of her family keep inviting us to stay, on holiday, to celebrations etc and it's all a lie for her. I really like her family but I don't fee able to walk away and still have the pain of seeing her start her search for someone she loves. In short I don't know what to do next.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Bro, I've been there, She's just using you, as a pet, no offense to her seeing (Maybe) You love her, but whore's like her, empty you broke, and move to another wealthier guy, she's sucking on your blood at this rate, as starfairy pointed you are far, far, far, and FAR too good for her, find someone who loves you for who you are ;)
Take care hope you fix this, and Cheers
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (20 August 2009):
Hun...She put it in black and white, she doesn't love you.
I can't imagine how it would feel to read that, but she is letting you quite happily do all this amazing stuff for her, yet she feels like she is in an "unhappy marriage" - sorry but I really don't think this girl deserves someone as nice as you.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (20 August 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStarfairy,
Thank you for your reply. I don't feel too good for her at all. I have just done what I could out of love. I'm currently getting texts from her saying she is missing me and that her family are asking after me. My feelings are very mixed. It feels like I'm just being kept in case I'm needed. It doesn't feel great. Also I'm frustrated that her family don't see what she is like to me when we are alone. Thank you again for your time and response.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (20 August 2009):
You are far, far, far too good for her.
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