A
male
age
41-50,
*afariride
writes:So I've dated this girl P for 5 years. We dated for 3 years, got engaged 2 years ago and had planned our wedding. We did have some problems mostly my family and P didn't get along. In addition we did have some personality conflicts (I'm stubborn and a bit jealous/controlling) and lastly I'm a big spender which is something she never liked since she saves alot and she feared future financial issues. Prior to our engagement I was against any type of counseling. Two years ago, 2 weeks after our engagement and about 45 days before our wedding date she broke up with me and called off the wedding. She gave me 3 reasons:1) My family and her/her family didn't get along (75% of her reason)2) she felt I took their side during the engagement and after 3) we also had small personality issuesShe didn't get along with my family because they didn't want a large wedding as I was paying for it all. They also disagreed with her and her family about religion. Me personally I respect her and her family's beliefs and would go along with whatever she wanted.I did take my family's side but only to preserve them for the purpose of showing up to our wedding. My family is hard headed unlike her so in a way I sacrificed her temporarily to just satisfy my family. I know if I hadn't, that my family would never show up to the wedding which would be a disaster. Our personality issues are that I'm stubborn, cold at times, a little jealous and controlling.Personally, I'm not a fan of my family anyways but just to maintain sanity at our wedding I made that choice which backfired. I lost about $22,000, as a result of the wedding being cancelled but more importantly I was emotionally devastated. Alcohol, exercise and retail therapy was my only reason for existing when we were apart. I exercised to stay in shape because I started drinking heavily to medicate and forget the pain. She was aware I was always out partying/drinking. I am 32 now but was 30 at the time and never the party or drinking type.....We were apart for 6 mos, no communication and after 6 months I decided to call her. She cried and we continued talking, we met up and it was very emotional. During the time we were apart she befriended an Ex of mine. Let's just say the Ex didn't have anything positive to say about me. I treated her much better than the Ex.For the next two years 2009-2011 we dated "secretly" off and on. She was rightfully upset about things my ex told her, about things which caused the wedding and engagement to be called off. Every once in a while she'd break things off and I'd go back to partying/drinking. The breakup/makeups in this time period would last maybe 1-2 months where again we wouldn't communicate.During this time, I started counseling a few times as a couple but also solo. I had promised her changes. That I'd change my personality, I'd never choose my family over her nor let them dictate my life. I'd stop controlling her and let her have some time with friends. The problem was having a "secret relationship" doesn't work. It made me more insecure and wondering if there was somebody else. It turns out there was somebody else and during one of our breakups she was dating somebody for 3 months. She had been talking/texting this person and I'd see him texting her when we were together and brought it up one day. She dated him and again I contacted her and again we got back and she broke it off with this guy.Finally in December during a break up I started dating another girl and ran into my ex on new years eve...Feelings were still there after another 30 day break up. I approached her completely disrespecting my date....Again we are talking except this time she told me she can't do the secret thing. I am totally for going back in the open. She asked me to come and speak to her mother as her father is overseas.I told her mom everything....I told her about the changes I had made: working with a counselor to work on all the issues she told me about and there is definitely progress being made. I'm willing to change and work anything out to be with her.Her mother was more understanding about the family issues. She stated that I shouldn't cut out my family for anybody but that me and P need to compromise, perhaps I have no expectations that P see them but I could occasionally. My family has since moved cross country making it easier. She asked that we spend 2-3 months to see if we could make things work with help from our counselor.I can state that I have changed slightly. I'm no longer controlling, jealous (still a work in progress however), I'm still working at not being stubborn and I know a couple times that I have proven it recently.In other words the things she requested of me I have acknowledged and accepted and am working on.I still have considerable debt leftover from the wedding that never happened and retail therapy from two years and partying. I've promised her I would provide all my bank/credit card statements so she can see my progress in paying it off. I've provided her a budget that I am following and a payment plan detailing that in 10-12 months, I will be debt free.Out of nowhere last night on my way to play soccer she started crying and telling me nothing has changed. She's telling me that my life is still the same as it was. Her father is ready to return this weekend, so I'm expected to talk to him as well and explain like I did to her mom. She kept crying and I wasn't sure why/what I did? Everything was going great, great Valentine's day, and then this?I assumed and think my playing soccer (having something for myself) perhaps is the culprit? I've given up my friends, family and everything else happily to prove myself to her and finally get on the right track to be with her.She simply told me "even if I had the money to pay off all my debts", she wants me to prove my love to her. She explained "I can't just go by your words for change, that you're changing your personality etc".... If you really loved me and wanted US you'd work 3 jobs to reduce the debt payoff time from 10-12 months to 2 months.I know her family will not be happy if we date for another 10-12 months and then get married. I'm sure that they'd expect marriage in 2-3 months if possible. She said she doesn't want to tell me to go work 3 jobs and sacrifice my time/energy/fun, but that I should be doing anything/everything for us to be together.I'm not sure what to do at this point....All I know is that I'm trying so hard to change myself and do all the things she's asked and I feel like it's not good enough, like I'm not good enough. She said at the end of our convo "I'm not a girl off the street, why should I sacrifice so much?"She believes she has to sacrifice more than me because I have family issues, our personality conflicts and the financial debt I've accumulated.What can/should I do??? I love her so much and want to marry her, but I am scared it's an excuse to break things off. I'm scared that no matter what I do I'll never be good enough for her or that she's just looking for excuses to leave again. Anytime we broke up in the past it was because she broke it off and I'd be the one to call later and try to win her back....Sorry for the essay....
View related questions:
a break, broke up, debt, engaged, insecure, jealous, money, my ex, period, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I have only one thing to say here: if you are going to change then change for no one but your self
------
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): if you're reforming yourself as much as you can humanly do, and it's still not enough for her to love you and want you, then you're just not meant to be together. trying to force a square peg into a round hole doesn't work, both of you will be miserable if you continue to stay together. She'll despise you for not being good enough and cry more and more, and you'll feel frustrated and powerless and your self esteem will get torn down, and maybe eventually you'll come to hate her because she makes you feel like crap all the time. both of you already have lots of toxic feelings towards each other and this relationship, time to cut yourself loose and free yourself before things get even worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): So you're blaming her for your bad reaction to calling the wedding off after only 2 weeks and it's all her fault you have credit card issues? Riiiight.
Actually, wrong. Your only option right now is to just live life cleanly, don't charge more than you can pay back each month, if you can't handle alcohol, don't drink it.
I think you are hiding stuff here you are trying to put off describing the little stuff that drove you apart like your little jealousy control issues. I think you're full of shit about that, you sound like a controlling person who doesn't have a grasp of how much chaos you've created.
"I had promised her changes. That I'd change my personality, I'd never choose my family over her nor let them dictate my life. I'd stop controlling her and let her have some time with friends. The problem was having a "secret relationship" doesn't work. It made me more insecure and wondering if there was somebody else."
You're blaming her now for the problems you created for yourself. Take responsibility.
If you want this relationship to survive, find a counselor that can help you. Otherwise, you're just talking a whole lot of bullshit.
You drink a lot, your choice. She's not putting the bottle to your mouth and forcing you to drink.
You party too much, your choice. She's not forcing you out the door and making go into the clubs.
You know you have a drinking problem, your problem. Not hers.
Find a couples counselor if you are serious about saving this thing. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Well, it seems that you know a lot about what she wants, but you've said very little about what you want. And I doubt that all you want in life is her, because you've talked about giving up your family, friends and other things in your life as sacrifices.
The simple fact is, this woman does not love who you are. She wants you to become another person and if you become that person, she MIGHT love you.
I think what you need to do is get some clarity in your life. What exactly do you want? Maybe set some goals for yourself over the next 3, 5 and 10 years. Maybe write about what you want your day-to-day life to be in 5-10 years. It sounds like you'd like to play soccer, have friends, have your family around but it doesn't sound like she's okay with you having those things. With that being the case, the question you need to ask yourself is: is your life worth less than having her in your life?
I believe that there are many people out there that you can fall in love with, but you only have one life to live. You can either live it with a woman who doesn't love the person that you are and who dictates every aspect of it or you can live it the way that you want to live it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): This woman is manipulating you with her tears and emotionalism.. and you keep letting her. calling off the wedding may have been the best decision you made though not for the right reasons. You should leave it at that!you broke up for 6 months, no communication at all until you call her. Then she's all over you. why then didn't she initiate contact sooner? after that you break up again for 1- 2 months, again it's you who has to re-initiate contact. she clearly doesn't give a #### about this relationship.the red flags I see:"I still have considerable debt leftover from the wedding that never happened and retail therapy from two years and partying. I've promised her I would provide all my bank/credit card statements so she can see my progress in paying it off. I've provided her a budget that I am following and a payment plan detailing that in 10-12 months, I will be debt free."OK she is not your boss or your mother. Why do you have to provide her a budget and payment plan? it's your debt that you brought on yourself. it's your business. It's not like it's her money. another red flag:"Out of nowhere last night on my way to play soccer she started crying and telling me nothing has changed. She's telling me that my life is still the same as it was. Her father is ready to return this weekend, so I'm expected to talk to him as well and explain like I did to her mom. "WTF?? She sounds more like a 5 year old girl not a grown woman - just crying out of the blue without warning, then saying it's not because of something that you did right then and there but because of "your life in general"...then you have to explain to her daddy and get his approval. she sounds really weak and immature .another red flag:"She kept crying and I wasn't sure why/what I did? Everything was going great, great Valentine's day, and then this?"she's emotionally unstable and trust me you don't want to be in a relationship let alone marriage with someone who's emotionally unstable, they will make your life hell, you will always have to tip toe around her feeling like you must walk on eggshells. that's no way to live. All this thing about her crying and you have no clue why or how to stop it - that's very immature of her again she sounds more like a little child not a grown woman. if she's not emotionally unstable then she's manipulative, making sure everything is going great on valentine's day, making you feel at ease, then BAM! hitting you with her hysterics out of the blue to shake you to the core so you'll be so freaked out you'll do whatever it takes to get her to stop. run far away from her!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): if you are changing for the better keep doing it. always stay true to yourself though. examine your faults. trust me she's noticing the changes if you think she feels its not good enough try harder.
tell her everday she's beautiful, hide romantic messages everywhere, surprise her, treat her like a queen.. be romantic & spontaneous.. make her feel like she's most important
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (17 February 2011):
this may not be what you want to hear, but I think you should leave her and move on with your life.
There's a lot of things coming between you two - your family and her family both seem to have a lot of control over you both. A relationship is tough enough when there's only the two people involved. If you're now involving your families...I don't see why you should have to explain things to her parents, you are both adults in your thirties! why should her family get to decide what you do or don't do? isn't she an adult who can make her own decisions?
Then there's the trust issues - so many break ups and then getting back together....seeing other people at the same time...
Then there's also the personal issues. It's good that you have taken responsibility for your own issues and are actively working on them. You have undergone a lot of personal growth and that's a great sign.
But she also has issues and it doesn't sound like she's working on them or even admitting them. You're not the only one with control issues, she does too. The difference is that you recognize it in yourself and have been working to gain control of it and lessen it but she doesn't seem to even admit that she has control and manipulation issues too. She seems to use emotional blackmail a lot to get her way. A typical example of her emotional blackmail is when she said "If you really loved me and wanted US you'd work 3 jobs to reduce the debt payoff time from 10-12 months to 2 months." Emotional blackmail is a form of emotional abuse if used often, which probably explains why you feel the way you do, that nothing you do is ever going to be good enough.
it's disturbing to me that she wants you to change your personality. It's one thing to work on your issues and eliminate destructive habits, but it's emotionally abusive to demand that someone overhaul their entire personality.
she gave her main reason for calling off the wedding that your families dont' get along. Why does she place so much emphasis on your families - isn't marriage supposed to be between the two of you? Why do you go along with placing so much importance on what your families think?
since you have broken up so many times, and each time it's always she who initiates the break up and you who initiates the reconciliation, why do you still want to be with her? have you considered if maybe her breakups are another way to control you?
but now she's saying that she has to do all the sacrificing because you aren't changing fast enough for her liking. it sounds like she certainly knows how to play the matyr. if it comes down to this fundamental difference - you can't change any faster than you are, you're already doing your utmost best, and still it's not good enough for her, then I don't see a bright future for the relationship, instead I see just lots of conflicts ahead where she continues to complain and feel like a matyr and disastisfied, while you continue to feel at the end of your rope doing everything you can and having it thrown back in your face.
Also her sudden emotional outbursts - suddenly crying on the way to soccer - is another sign of someone who has emotional issues. If you marry her, life will be full of drama. Can you imagine being married to her never knowing when she's going to burst into tears and proclaim you're not doing enough?
I guess I just don't see a lot of positives in your relationship at this point...it's great that you're working on your issues, but she has major issues of her own too and it doesn't seem she's acknowledging them or working on them, her solution is to just emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants so she can have her way. This never leads to a happy relationship, it leads over the long term to a lot of frustration and eventually resentment and anger.
my suggestion is to definitely keep working on your issues, and paying off your debts, but leave her behind because she's trying to drag you down. When you're in a healthier place emotionally, look for someone else who's also in a healthier place emotionally and won't try to mess with you and take advantage of you. Or, if she realizes and works on her own issues, then you can get back with her. But as long as she's continuing to manipulate you using every excuse ranging from your families to your debts to how you're not changing your personality fast enough for her liking, I don't think this relationship is going to be good for you in the long run.
You could also just go ahead and marry her and hope that things will get better, but realistically there's no reason they will.
...............................
A
female
reader, sexybabe13 +, writes (17 February 2011):
 1st things 1st be happy with urself and never change she just wasnt the 1
...............................
|
