A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My marriage has been falling apart for years now. The biggest cause is that I caught my wife having an affair 8 years ago and still have trust issues because I feel she didn't do what it takes to regain my trust. Although she said she has no other man, I really don't believe that there was just a 1 time thing with just one guy. Most of her friends are men. Her best friend is a man. I don't believe that nothings ever happened between these two. Anyway our marrige is considered over by both of us at this point. We have financial obligations 1 child starting college and another in 2 years. The housing market depleted the value of our home and we are in no financial position to sell our house. We haven't filed for divorce yet, we can't afford to. We sleep seperatly and try to stay away from each other. Now I see this woman who is interested in me and I'm interested in her too. I told her I was still married, seperated and living in the same house. She understands my situation and is still interested in seeing me. I know I should tell my wife that I plan to see other women, as she already has seen her fair share of men that she doesen't realize I'm aware of or she just doesent care. I would rather have this relationship with this woman out in the open with my wife. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation, did it make life at home even more tense? I don't want to rock the boat, but I'm getting tired of a sexless marriage and a woman who does not love me at all. I don't want to sleep around with a lot of women. I want a woman to love and cherish, someone to look forward to be with, something I have been missing for a long long time. Help!
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female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (4 April 2009):
 You cannot go on as you are - I've been there and yes it does make life tense. Sit down with your wife and tell her that for you your marriage is over. Tell her you would move out if you could but at present it's not possible. Tell her you now want to live a separate life. Divide the house up as best you can ie; your own bedroom, living room etc as far as possible. Not ideal but it's a start. Don't ever bring any woman back to the house but at least go out there and find somebody who wants you. Life is too short to put up with being unhappy, especially at our age. When the financial situation picks up put the house on the market. She may not like it but deep down I think it will ultimately suit her as well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): In my opinion, you put the nail in the coffin when you started see another woman. I've been married for 27 years, raised 2 kids and a grand-daughter (til she was 5), etc. If you wan this relationship to work, it takes BOTH of you committing to the marriage. If only one of you is committed, I'm sorry my friend. BUT, if you wan to mend the relationship with your wife, take the initiative and be the bigger person. DON'T mess around on your wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I think it would be wise to get it out in the open. If you are living separate lives, and just sharing the house, then why not tell her? It you feel she does not love you, and that she is doing her own thing anyway, you might as well tell her. It may be a relief to her also.
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