A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:So I have posted about this previously, but I’m starting to get that feeling of neglect again. I feel terrible as I know my bf is working very hard and I hate asking him for more attention. The situation hit a breaking point a couple weeks ago, he said he would try harder, now the situation is the very same. We see each other over the weekend and everything is good. During the week, I’m the one initiating texts, if I don’t send a good morning text, I get a text after 12pm. At night if I don’t send a good night text, I don’t get one at all until the next day (could be the morning, usually later in the day). He told he was afraid to lose me due to his schedule and I told him he wouldn’t. Am I being to anxious? He tells me how much I mean to him, that he loves me and never wants to lose me. Its very hard for me to believe that when he forgets to text me. I don’t want work to be an excuse to neglect me. The most frustrating thing is he reads some of my messages and sometimes doesn’t even reply. Advice? I’m just getting kinda tired being the only one initiating, makes it seem like I’m the only one wanting to keep in touch.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 Your seemingly desperate need for constant reassurance is seriously treading on dangerous ground, because to your bf, you are secretly coming across as very insecure and your bf may even think that you're quite self absorbed, meaning it's all about you, when he's very busy at work.
He tells you he loves you and doesn't want to lose you and i believe him, because if he didn't care about you, surely he'd have broken up with you by now.
There is no issue here, as i see it, EXCEPT THAT IT'S ALL IN YOUR OWN MINDSET.
You need to RESET YOUR MINDSET.
You cannot keep making demands for him to text you daily, just because it's what you want.
You're so worried about this, that it's consuming you and eating you alive, not to mention that you've written in to DC 2 times because you're so worried and upset about it.
Does your bf treat you very well, does he give you time outside of his job, does he pamper you, does he tell you he cares for you and loves you?
If so, then you've nothing to worry about.
In this busy day/age, many people don't have much time to be texting their partners morning, noon and night.
It's important to maintain contact, sure, however, by way of regular/daily texting, this isn't the be all and end all surely.
My husband and i email and text when we can and when we feel like it, but we don't place daily demands upon each other to do so.
I don't ask my husband to text me or email me, yet he often does and most probably wants to, because i place no demands upon him.
Often, when one partner sends something, the other will reply, but it all depends upon how busy they are at that point in time.
A delayed response doesn't mean that they don't care anymore, yes, and even if the delay is the next morning.
The secret is, if a man doesn't feel pressured by you and doesn't view you as too co-dependant upon him then he will be willing to do it, but OF HIS OWN ACCORD AND NOT WHEN YOU'RE TELLING HIM TO DO IT.
The same goes with sending emails, skyping, ringing, etc;.
If you continue to ask, beg, worry, get upset, you may just be pushing him away, further and further unfortunately and he will begin to view you as CONTROLLING and men HATE CONTROLLING WOMEN.
Show some maturity within your relationship, show your bf that you're stable by way of behaviour and that you understand the nature of events within your relationship.
If you show appreciation for all he does, when he does do it, no matter when he chooses to do it, or how small the deed, he'll love you and be committed to you ten times more.
You take control of your own life and stop trying to manipulate and control your bf.
You may not realise what you're doing is actually a form of manipulation and men don't like manipulation.
Just try to "relax" and allow your relationship to grow in as natural a way as possible and worry not about such petty things.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 October 2017):
 That may be the generational gap, but I am another one who thinks it's inane, and insane, trying to force your partner to a good morning / good night text routine , and deciding how much you are loved / respected based on how many texts exactly. No disrespect meant for the anon who exchanges regular texts with her husband- to each their own- but in this case the big difference is that the husband texts, or texts back, willingly and gladly, he digs that too. Yet, this is a personal preference or habit, I don't think it's fair to fashion out of it an universal law which says
" IF he does not text you X times a day, he does not care " . Texts are a superficial, often meaningless communication mean, and a lot of people find them superfluous , or downright annoying. Or , at the very least... certainly not the thermometer which gives you the temperature and health state of a relationship !
I feel too that the OP is a bit heavy-handed, and it's going to sabotage her relationship, eventually. Btw, if she can prevail him to text several times at appointed hours like she wants , after that he has repeatedly resisted that ... it would probably be to keep her quiet and make her stop nagging, not because all of a sudden he went from lukewarm ( in case he WERE lukewarm ) to ardent !
But... we are not going to convince the OP, I guess, who has already posted a few times about this issue.
So, OP, I just will have to second N91's advice: think seriously about your priorities. It looks like this is a battle that you are not going to win, so you have to decide if you can and want graciously concede defeat and carry on enjoying other, more fulfilling parts of your relationship... or if this is a dealbreaking issue for you. If you really need someone who contacts you a lot through the day, and is always ready to assuage your insecurities-
That's ok, OP, no blame, everybody is different and you know what works for you. BUT, if this is such an important matter for you- then obviously this guy is not the right match for you.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (14 October 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the advice! I def do not over text and sometimes let 5 or so hours go by, allowing him to concentrate on his job. I'm also never one to have lengthy text convos in the morning or at night.
Today I did pull back, he noticed and ended up sending a few texts w/in a several hour period. I was busy at the time, so I didn't really have a chance to text.
I did a lot of chasing in the past and I am done w/that kind of thing. I already talked to him abt it, so the ball is in his court to do something. He even got concerned losing me to his schedule, so I would think he would try a little harder.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (14 October 2017):
 It doesn't sound like this is going to change.
You've told him before that you want more contact, it hasn't happened.
So what next? Is it important enough to you to break up over? That's what you need to decide because I really don't see there being any difference if you've already spoke about it and it's stayed the same
Some people don't text, simple as that. The girl I'm dating is a teacher so is very busy during the day and I rarely get a text back until about 7pm each day and then it flows from then on. That's just the way it is with some people. Either deal with it or find someone who can match your communication needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2017): Honestly your text demands seem excessive. But this is coming from someone who hates texting-- every time I get a text it DOES distract me from my very busy job, and it is annoying as hell, because then I feel forced to reply or to pretend I haven't seen it, when I really don't have the time to keep breaking my flow of work... he probably feels the same.
THe one thing I would want in your position is a phone call each night. I would find that weird if he can't at least call for a conversation once a night to see how you are if you two aren't living together. But if he DOES do this then your demands for constant check-ins are excessive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2017):
 OP, a number of texts in a day don't EQUATE to how much he cares.
During the week my husband and I rarely text each other. Unless there is an ACTUAL need for it (getting attention is NOT a need - it's a want) - with need I mean him texting to remind me that the plumber will be here at 11:00 or me testing him to remember grabbing some XYZ from the store. THAT is it. We DO NOT have conversations over text.
Today he needed me to figure out about a flight (he is picking up a friend at the airport and his phone is kind of crappy for surfing the web) so he CALLED me and we TALKED.
You keep saying that you won't LEAVE him, but in the same breath, you are unhappy with this or with that... mostly not getting that amount of attent you feel you should have.
Honestly OP? What do you NEED a good morning text for? Most of us have a LOT of things going on in the morning and making sure to send a good morning text rarely seems THAT important.
I wonder how long you could go without being so "overly" attached to your cell phone. I really do, because it seems like you have an unrealistic expectation of JUST how much HE should text you and what he should text you.
YOU can live a PERFECTLY fine life without constant reassurance from your partner.
He says he NEVER wants to lose you... but if you don't stop being THIS clingy you just might. The guy is working 2 or was it 3 jobs? And on top of that you feel he should MAKE sure you get a text in the morning and evening - why not have some days/time during the week when he ISN'T working for a 20-30 min Facetime instead? Texts are kind of impersonal. And from what I see people text each other 90% off is just time-wasting BS. NOT getting constant texts isn't NEGLECT.
Him working 2-3 jobs is HIM having a PRETTY full plate YET he still finds time to spend with you in person.
Honestly? IF he didn't CARE for you he would stick to texting and booty calls.
You need to learn to chill, OP.
And to be able to entertain yourself. Rest in yourself.
You know what you should try?
Go to the store after work and leave your phone locked in the car. Go to WORK and lock your phone in a drawer (unless you really NEED it for work) and don't take it out till it's time to go home. When you go out on dates with your fella - BOTH of you leave your phones in the car. INTERACT with each other. NOT use tech as a crutch.
If you want a guy who texts as much as you FEEL you need, then maybe He isn't for you.
If you LIKE him and see a future with him (regardless of him not being a fan of texting....) then CHILL.
Texting can't carry a relationship.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 October 2017):
 I remember your other posts. Again you are going to loose him if you keep demanding his attention. Some people are glad off being able to spend every weekend with there other half. He has made it clear that he is busy during the week if you cannot accept this then it is time to end things. It seems you are a bit to needy for him. I get sending a message is nice, but if he does not have time then give him some slack. Some people are not good with messages.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2017): I totally disagree with the aunt comments to you .I think in this day and age .. asking for a few texts a day isn't asking for the world nor is. Agood morning and good night .. when I started dating it was a weekend seein them and one week call . Now my husband has a mobile works a very demanding day and we both have mobile phones we are both in our 40s so not to old haha and he will without fail text me good morning ( I don't ask ) without fail every day .. he sends a few texts during the day when he can maybe 2 or 3 not many and one when he's coming home around 7pm . Every one is busy .. life is busy .. writing this takes times so should we all not bother to answer qs on here because it takes time and could go into a lengthy conversation or discussion . I think asking for a good morning or good night and lil about his day isn't asking for the work it takes less than a minute to compose a text .. I think he lazy and he is rather taking you for granted .. so the aunt does have one good point .. I would pull back from messaging him .. I would make him sweat it .. and fill my time doing other things .. if he can't respect his relationship .. gee if he's having a late lie he can tell you night before .. relationships make you accountable to the other person, if we don't want to be .. simply then be single .. Either he takes a a few minutes out to text morning or he doesn't and you don't either .. as relationships are not one way roads :. They are give and take :Chin up sweetie
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2017):
 If he is telling you how much he loves you, and you see each other physically, then what on earth are you wanting?? It's not healthy to use texting as a leash to demand timely, daily, hourly texts! You're going to lose him if it continues.
Some people don't like using texts. It's tedious, and face-to-face or phone calls or Facetime is preferable. Stop demanding a "Good morning", "good night", etc. What if he wants to sleep until noon one day? What if he's working on a project, and a "Good night" text means a long, deep conversation??
Let communication happen organically! I don't know why you haven't grasped that concept, but you're straining your relationship, and you may be high maintenance if you NEED constant contact or reassurance. I remember your last post, and this will trip you up if you don't start looking at it with much more maturity than you're doing right now.
STOP TEXTING HIM! Let him text you for crying out loud!
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