A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just got out an 8 year relationship about 6 months ago and I cant separate my feelings from sex. Ive always considered myself to have a high sex drive, but majority of the time I was in relationships, so I didnt have to have casual sex but I have had a few one night stands, and just met guys I knew to have sex but I always felt bad about it bc my feelings just got in the way, whether I felt used or just plain slutty..lol but I didnt do any extreme "acts".Now that I'm out this relationship I have found myself only interested in guys that I have had long time crushes on or I know. Since I been out of that relationship, I have slept with three guys, but only 2 of them once. The guy who keeps coming back has a girlfriend though and I'm really feeling him too! He was the 1st Ive been with and the sex is mind blowing, good chemistry, have fun when Im with him. I just have feeligs for him and I only want a little bit more. I dont want him to leave his girlfriend or anything, but at the same time I dont want to be an object! This is what confuses me. I'm very sexual but I hate sleeping around but one thing is for sure, I'm not looking for love! I just want a cool friend who understands that and who doesnt mind. We dont have to be in a relationship, just understand what I want. I want to tell him but at the same time I dont want to run him away. Any suggestions or advice?
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crush, has a girlfriend, one night stand, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, demeplev +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Yea my advice is...LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE!...imagine it IS my boyfriend..missy i would kick your ass then his. go find yourself a fwb until he is single and available for a fwb without a girlfriend...jeeeeeezzzzz Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): One day all of this is going to pass and you are going to want to find that special someone and karma is going to kick you right in the butt...
Go have your fun and be safe...just stop messing with guys who have girlfriends...the guys a loser for doing this to his girlfriend and it's certainly not very fair to the girlfriend to be in the dark and wasting her time with a cheater... try to have some class in all of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): You are old enough to decide what you want but at this point it appears you have developed feelings for a man who is taken. I suggest you tell him that you have feelings for him and cannot risk your heart being broken. It's in your interest to stop seeing him as it is unlikely to develop into anything. If you mean more to him than a conveniet piece of ^^^, he will leave his girlfriend for you. I have opted not to be critical of you as I believe we all have skeletons in our cupboards and we need to learn from our own mistakes before picking on others.
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A
male
reader, Bob Loblaw +, writes (12 September 2012):
It sounds to me like what you want is chaos. Your current situation seems to actually make you happy especially since it isn't very tenable. I suspect that when the s*** hits the fan and your "friend's" girlfriend finds out - and she will - your friend will look to you for comfort, and will ask for more from you than you are willing to give. You'll have successfully blown up their relationship. Voila. Chaos.You say you want something casual (which is what you have), but you say you don't want to be an "object", even though that is precisely what you say you want to be in the next sentence. This confusion on your part virtually ensures that you will get the chaos you seek, because your mind will change about what you need to do next as soon as the situation around you gets royally screwed. Screwed by you, I should add.As other commenters have suggested, you could just seek casual encounters with other unattached men, but I suspect you don't really want that because it doesn't allow you to sow chaos as easily as what you're doing now.Until you figure out why you are so intent on sabotaging other people's happiness, then you are not going to be truly happy with yourself. Instead, you will simply live out a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby you create the confusion and ill-will that you think you deserve.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 So you feel like telling him what you really want from him and what would really work for you...but, are you sure he cares even minimally about what you want and need ?.... Very improbable. Maybe he cares abot what his GF wants ( far from certain though sincer surelyhe does not win the prize for Best Boyfriend of the year ) enough to change something in his behaviour for her, .. but for you ?... I mean let's face : you want him to act or speak or do something different than he is doing now , bt it's not tht you have got a lot of leverage. People do what you want them to do a) if they care about you so they want to make you happy b ) if they are afraid they are going to lose something meaningful in case they don't.
But : you want from him more than just casual ,on the downlow sex, you want some affection too or intimacy and companionship , stuff like that, that he has not thought of offering you on his own. So , why should he give it to you now,- just because you ask ? Doubtful- he does not care about making you happy, and if he should lose you, I don't think he'd be so heartbroken, FWBs are easy to replace.
Moral- I think having the kind of talk you have in mind just be a big waste of breath.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 September 2012):
So you feel like telling him what you really want from him and what would really work for you...but, are you sure he cares even minimally about what you want and need ?.... Very improbable. Maybe he cares abot what his GF wants ( far from certain though sincer surelyhe does not win the prize for Best Boyfriend of the year ) enough to change something in his behaviour for her, .. but for you ?... I mean let's face : you want him to act or speak or do something different than he is doing now , bt it's not tht you have got a lot of leverage. People do what you want them to do a) if they care about you so they want to make you happy b ) if they are afraid they are going to lose something meaningful in case they don't.
But : you want from him more than just casual ,on the downlow sex, you want some affection too or intimacy and companionship , stuff like that, that he has not thought of offering you on his own. So , why should he give it to you now,- just because you ask ? Doubtful- he does not care about making you happy, and if he should lose you, I don't think he'd be so heartbroken, FWBs are easy to replace.
Moral- I think having the kind of talk you have in mind just be a big waste of breath.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): From the sounds of it, he certainly understands what you want.
I'm failing to see what exactly it is you want, that comes in between regular casual sex, and not quite wanting a relationship...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I agree that the fact that you think it's perfectly ok to sleep with someone who had a girlfriend is the issue you need to address... just because he has a partner does not mean he won't start to care for you. (betting you think that a partnered man is a safe bet... don't I left a marriage for my little something on the side)....
perhaps if all you want is a FWB at your beck and call you could look on OK CUPID or Plenty of Fish both are well known hook up sites.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 September 2012):
 My suggestion is for you to put yourself in the girlfriend's shoes and take a walk around the block. Do the shoes hurt your feet?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 September 2012):
 Perhaps you could spend a lot of time trying to understand the differences between/amongst: Sex/intercourse/copulation/coitus and plain old FU**ING!!!
After you've studied - and come to grips with the subtle variances amongst them - I think you'll find that your question will answer itself!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (11 September 2012):
If you cannot 'seperate (your) feelings from sex' then any kind of friends with benefits relationship is going to be problematic for you.
The fact that he has a girlfriend will likely cause problems for you in the near future. You already want more than just sex.
How long did you know him before you jumped into bed together? How long has he been with his girlfriend?
Do you know this man well enough to even ask for something more?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I don't think this man is the one for you. If he's already in a relationship and is having a fling with you, he obviously doesn't know how to respect women. If you continue this, at some point, it's going to end, whether it's by his girlfriend finding out or by him moving onto other tail. Overall, I think it's a problem that you're ok with sleeping with someone who's already in a relationship. His girlfriend is being disrespected by both of you. That karma may come back to bite you someday, so watch out. I know you want to find a connection with someone, but it's not worth sabotaging someone else's relationship. That's selfish. I think you should address a few things with him. He has a girlfriend, who he's disrespecting and lying to. If he wants to have fun with you, then he should just be single and having fun. He's putting you in a love triangle that's only going to end bad. Tell him he needs to sort out whatever he has with his girl before you continue anything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 September 2012):
 I think you have to ask yourself why you think it's OK to sleep with a guy who has a partner already.
And why you seem to be content with being some guys sloppy seconds.
Find a F-buddy who is single. Less drama. Because you might not have any drama with this guy, but trust me.. one the other shoes drops there will be.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I think that if the guy you're sleeping with has a girlfriend, he's not the one for you or what you want. I suggest you end it with him and move on elsewhere. There are plenty of men who would be willing to have a casual sex partner i.e. friend with benefits. Take time to establish a new connection with a new person and let this guy get back to his real girlfriend.
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