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I'm having sex with my best friend's married father who is 54!

Tagged as: Age differences, Cheating, Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 July 2011) 22 Answers - (Newest, 14 July 2011)
A age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Basically, i am having sex with my bestfriends dad. I am 25 and he is 54. He is still married and has been for 27 years. His wife is 58 and he says she dows not share the same sexual desire as he does.

It all began 3 month ago when i stumbled outside my house drunk. He was passing by and helped me. The next thing i knew we were kissing and undressing each other.

He is a genuine man who loves his wife but he cant express his feelings through sex to her any more.

I know what i am doing is wrong but he makes me feel precious when were together. He is good at sex still and i cant help myself from going back. I have never had the taste for older men and i dont want to hurt anybody.

I think i am falling in love with him. Ive never been treated like this before.

Realistically whats going to happen? I want him but i adore my bestfriend and my other friends around me, is he worth it?

PLEASE HELP. MY MIND IS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

View related questions: best friend, drunk, kissing, older men

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 July 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntMaybe I'm just stuffed up or maybe I'm having a stroke but I smell a troll.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (14 July 2011):

RedAthena agony auntYou are confusing love with lust dear. Once he has used you up and gets bored-prepare yourself.

You have no shot at anything with him other than being his easy f*ck puppet.

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A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (14 July 2011):

Jmtmj agony auntYou're gonna feel mighty foolish when you're found out. You'll lose him, your best friend and your name will be mud.

You'll destroy their family and you'll have to live with that.

Please don't be an idiot. Don't put yourself in situations where you're alone with him. Or not, either way, its your life and you're free to destroy it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011):

i also forgot to tell the OP: sometimes Rape Victims are in denial but in your case you are not. You are knowingly and pruposefully hellbent on destroying peoples lives. And I think I insulted REAL rape victims by suggesting you were raped.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2011):

k_c100 agony auntOk, well if you cant control yourself then be prepared to live with the consequences, I'm sorry to say this but what you are doing is pretty low, you have no morals and not a good friend or person in general, I guess you and the cheater deserve each other seen as neither of you give a damn about anyone else.

You had the chance to redeem yourself and be the better person, but you are just another selfish adulterer who cant control their own reproductive organs and dont care who they hurt in the process. You deserve all the awful things that are going to happen to you if you consent to this carrying on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yeah, i broke it off with him. I went over to tell him because i didnt want to ruin a family or a friendship. However when i went over he seduced me. We had sex, wild sex. I think i love him. I felt so guilty after though because one place where we had sex was on my bestfriends bed who came in about 30 mins after we finished. I know what im doing is wrong and i hate myself but i can not resist him. In a couple of weeks his wife and daughters think he is going on a business trip but he isnt ;).

by the way, for those who said he raped me, get a grip of life. Did he force me, NO, did he feel me up, NO.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011):

"Drunk people do not have control over their actions, they are intoxicated and the brain is not functioning normally."

So a person driving drunk should not be prosecuted because they apparently had no choice because the alcohol suddenly just magically took away all ability to tell right from wrong?

Alcohol is not a magic potion. A person CHOOSES to get behind the wheel of a car drunk. They CHOOSE to drive even when they know they shouldn't. And when caught they are held responsible for their choices.

Why is it different for sex between two consenting adults?

Flynn 24

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011):

No, Just NO. I kinda know how this feels but me and my bff's dad never went all the way because I stopped him. Doesn't just friendship mean anything to you? Pleas, I am begging you, break this thing off before it seriously hurts you, him and almost every single person around you. Don't be that selfish. Don't tell your friends, just get a nice clean break without final sex because then you will never got out. Just stop it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011):

My other harsh response was blocked by the MODS.

I thought of it but did not write about my opinion that she was raped. Now that others have picked up on this, I want to tell the OP that her friends father RAPED her. Yes young lady, you may not know the difference but u were raped. So now how do u feel about this sex situation? Makes u a bloody victim as well as a home wrecker.

U need to have a long chat with yourself and ask yourself whether u like what u have become.

You will be surprised by the answer.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, livelifelove United States +, writes (9 July 2011):

im not trying to be mean but this is called home recking

this man is married how would you feel if you were married to him and he wa doing this to you??

and if he is doing this to her what makes you think hes not going to do this to you?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011):

Don't know what it is like in Great Britain, but in the USA, case law clearly has demonstrated that taking advantage of a situation like this is rape.

Ask my uncle, he's in one of the state penitentiaries.

I have two acquaintances who also have sons who are in prison, one for statutory rape (he was 18 and she was 16), and another whose son "raped" a prostitute.

"Drunk or not you have control over your actions and are responsible for them, so their first encounter cannot be considered rape in any sense."

This is also incorrect.

Drunk people do not have control over their actions, they are intoxicated and the brain is not functioning normally. She may have consented, but not been able to consent legally, based on being intoxicated (I am assuming the other party was not intoxicated as well).

Note, the OP was not just drinking, she was "when i stumbled outside my house drunk".

This is simple rape, trying to adorn it with any other term is simply missing the point. This guy is a predator. She's not the first, and she won't be the last, and she is in the thrall of this guy now and needs to break out of it.

She's got serious psychological issues and she's being preyed upon.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011):

Wow. I agree with most of what has been said... but rape, it was not.

Drunk or not you have control over your actions and are responsible for them, so their first encounter cannot be considered rape in any sense. Had the OP expressed any doubt over the encounter before it happened and this other party simply kept going regardless of her wishes, then yes, it's rape. But as both parties consented, and the OP did NOT express any desire stop or that she was unwilling, and both were legal adults, rape it was not.

The real issue I have is with people advising a cover-up. Affairs should NEVER be covered up as it rubs salt into the wounds of the true victim, the one who has been cheated upon.

If you both were stupid enough to let this situation arise, then your only chance at redeeming yourself (and I'm not talking in a creepy religious way either) and salvaging some form of honour, what little you have left, is to break it off immediately and come clean to both your friend and her mother.

It is likely you will lose a friend and never see the family again. But outside of that the consequences for your friend's father are not your concern and are for him to deal with and him alone.

You are already a cheater and have fired the bullet that is going to break up a family, nothing can stop that now. All you can do now is control whether or not you have a true chance of being a decent human being ever again.

You are now a homewrecker, don't be a liar as well.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2011):

angelDlite agony auntyou ask 'is he worth it?' - you tell us!

is he worth losing your best friend for? coz that's what will happen if she finds out! she won't take kindly to the two of you doing the dirty on her mother and YOU will get the blame coz he is HER DAD so by default she loves him.

to him this is all about sex isn't it? the age gap is HUGE, he is married and has been for 27 years. i cannot imagine that he will leave her now, if this is what you want

i think you're wasting your time, getting used, risking your reputation, risking your friend ship with your bezzie and doing something really immoral which could hurt your friend and her mother unfathomably. it doesn't get any more WRONG than this.

i hope for everyone's sake you see sense, and stop this

x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011):

"It all began 3 month ago when i stumbled outside my house drunk. He was passing by and helped me. The next thing i knew we were kissing and undressing each other. "

This is not seduction, or an affair, this is rape, pure and simple, no other words can adorn this type of event properly.

Sure, you say, it can't be rape, it was consensual. Nah, not if your drunk, it isn't.

Sure, you say, I went back for more, so it can't be rape. Nah again, many women who are raped not only have sex again with the rapist, but date them afterward in such scenarios, and do so to try to make themselves feel better after the guilt that is induced by the initial rape.

They feel guilty because of how our minds work after someone traumatizes us psychologically. Going back and doing it again shoves the guilt down, makes you feel better and like you are "special" and not "just a victim" and makes people feel "empowered". Believe me, I'm twice your age, and I could take advantage of your general ignorance at 25 easily, and if you are drunk you'd be just that much easier to be taken advantage of.

You think I'm full of shit, well, call a rape hot line and do some talking.

"He was passing by and helped me."

No, he didn't, he was passing by, and realized he had an opportunity. You aren't the first, you probably won't be the last, and you'd better get yourself some help.

Rape, you have been raped. You aren't special to him.

BTW, my uncle is in prison for a very similar thing, and he very well should be.

Drinking, getting into situations that aren't constructive.

Take this quiz.

http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm

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A male reader, doublejack United States +, writes (7 July 2011):

OP, I'm sorry but you were taken advantage of by a much older man, and are now confused. The only reason this guy is treating you nice is because he's having sex with someone less than half his age! You're nearly 30 years younger than he is! So of course he's going to treat you like a princess... he wants to keep sleeping with you. The line about a lack of sex with his wife is probably BS, by the way. That's a classic line married men spit out to justify why they're so very willing to sleep with another woman.

As the other aunts have already said, this man will not leave his wife for you. What you two have is a fantasy, it is not real. He knows that. Age gaps aren't necessarily relationship deal breakers, but this is an extreme case. This man is on the downside of life - he's had his children, experienced the highs and lows of marriage, etc. He's growing old, slowing down and soon will be retired. You're just starting the journey of life! There's no match.

The only course of action is to break contact with this man. At that point you'll have a decision to make - reveal the affair, or sweep it under the rug and hope the truth never comes out. If you fess up you might... emphasis on MIGHT... be given some leniency for being honest. If you choose to keep quiet, though, this will blow up in your face BIG TIME if the truth ever gets out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011):

When someone treats you preciously while having sex doesn't mean they love you. If he loved you, he would have sex with you when you were drunk. A person who is cheating on his wife at this age, must be cheating on her before too but these times he dint get someone to do so. Stay away from him before things become worse. Tell him that you don't want to do this anymore as you love your boyfriend.

As for your friendship, you already ruined it. If she comes to know about this shell become your enemy instead of your friend because you ruined her life. Maybe shell put all all the blame on you her father.

Time can only tell you that.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (7 July 2011):

RedAthena agony auntHe seduced you to meet his needs. That is not love.

If feels GOOD to be wanted and you give him something that he has been missing; SEX.

You also just killed your friendship. The truth will eventually come out and you are paying a high cost for it.

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A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (7 July 2011):

Jmtmj agony auntRealistically, its going to play out just as k c100 said. If you're smart you'll listen to her... because he will not leave his wife for you, that much I can tell you without a doubt in my mind.

Right now its all about damage minimization. Get out now and you MAY get away unscathed, but if you keep this situation going, you'll have only yourself to blame when it explodes horrendously.

Please be smart...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011):

What's going to happen?

a) He leaves his wife and you become a couple

i] but he loses most of what is his financially because she'll be legally entitled to more than half of everything AND/OR he'll feel so guilty he'll let her take everything so you'll end up with a rather stressful financial situation in your new relationship which he'll come to resent you for in time to come as this "in love" spark fades and he realises that this fling has cost him his life savings and his family

ii] his daughter (and any other children) will hate you so much that even if they stay in touch with their father, it will be an impossible situation because you'll never be able to be together with him in any real way - he'll always want to be in his children's lives - you cannot compete with that so you'll always be the one that is cast aside when it comes to them wanting to see him (i.e. he won't tell THEM to stay away; it'll be him telling you (at Christmas, holidays, birthdays etc..) to stay away ... and this will be especially so as his children start having children and he becomes a grandfater. Look forward to some very lonely times ahead, in other words!)

iii] because he already has adult children, he's probably not going to want further kids, so you're basically saying goodbye to the prospect of ever having children of your own so all you have left are his children (which leaves you in the situation I've already described above)

OR

b) he doesn't leave his wife immediately and you're left being the bit he shags on the side

OR

c) as per (b) above until you're found out by someone (probably the wife or your friend (his daughter) and then it goes back to (a).

GET OUT NOW! Enjoy the memories and look at it as a naughty indulgence if you must but stop and walk away now knowing it can lead nowhere but to heartache for so many!

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2011):

natasia agony auntOk. So far you have done something a bit crazy, but you still have the chance to make sure it doesn't actually hurt anybody, and ruin your life.

You're right - you can't be with him. Every time you are with him, you are effectively betraying your friend, and her mum. So please, when you think of him - think of them first, and just don't allow your feelings to run away with you.

This isn't a relationship that anyone can ever know about, or that can be in the open. As it is, it may well come out (someone will see you, or one of you will let something slip and someone will work it out, etc.).

If your friend finds out, be in no doubt that it will not be ok, she will not be ok, nor will your friends. This is for 110% sure.

So, what to do:

Do you want to lose your best friend, your other friends, become a pariah in your social circle and have everybody hate you? No, I imagine.

Do you want to really hurt/destroy even your friend's mum? I guess not.

So, you have to shelve your feelings for the guy, and think of the above.

You CAN and WILL find another guy like this - he absolutely isn't the only one - he is just the first one you happen to have met.

It is perfectly possible for you to tell him you're not ok with it and want to end it, and for you to not see him, and for after some time it all to die down (well, that is based on him also being sensible, and not doing something stupid like getting drunk and telling his wife - hopefully he won't).

Then, you have your life, your friends. You still will need to cope with your feelings of guilt at having done this and hidden it from your friend, but over time you'll kind of forget about it.

Best thing: find another guy. Quick. Any maybe a bit younger ...

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2011):

k_c100 agony auntWhat will happen? Well for sure you will lose your best friend, he/she will never forgive you for this. You are sleeping with his/her dad, and helping their dad to cheat on their mum, that will be the lowest of the low to your friend. Plus you will lose all your other friends too, because they will side with your best friend rather than you, after all you are just a cheaters bit on the side and you are helping to ruin a marriage of 27 years.

As for the wife, well if she finds out she will be devastated, chances are she will want a divorce - so you will be responsible for your best friend's parents splitting up. Do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life? You will be responsible for breaking a woman's heart, making her realise that her 27 year marriage where she has raised his children and made a family with him was all a sham.

And as for you - well if and when his wife finds out (she will find out, it wont go unoticed I promise), he will drop you faster than you can ever imagine. He knows he cant have a relationship with his child's 25 year old friend, he is just chuffed to bits to be getting some with a young woman, he cant believe his luck! But as soon as his wife finds out, he will drop you and run back to her apologising and begging for her back. He knows you are just there for sex and nothing more, he loves his wife and will not be stupid enough to believe he could have a relationship with you.

After all, you are 25 - you will want to have children presumably, you will want to get married etc....he will be aware of this and that is the opposite of what he will want at his age! He has already done the wedding and kids, so even a man who is happy to sleep around behind his wife's back wont be so stupid to realise that you are not compatible for a long term relationship.

So you will end up alone, with no friends, feeling hurt that he was using you for sex, and incredibly guilty and ashamed that you caused so much hurt to your friends and their family.

He really is not worth it - there are millions of single men out there who you could easily fall in love with and who will treat you well, dont allow yourself to continue with this horrible affair. This really is pretty despicable, having an affair with a married man is one thing, but your best friend's dad? Some friend you are!

I hope that you actually have some morals and care about your friend, and that you will realise just how awful this situation is and put a stop to it immediately, what you have done is bad enough so you better stop it now before it gets any worse. If you come out of this without anybody finding out that is nothing short of a miracle, so if you still have the opportunity to get out now, then do it right away.

This man is really the lowest of the low too, he is simply a cheat and a liar, regardless of if he claims to 'love his wife' or whatever he says to you, at the end of the day he has been married 27 years and is throwing all that away for a few quick shags with a younger woman. You can never be with this man, he is married and wont leave his wife for you. Plus your friend would never allow it, they would disown their father if that happened. So you have nowhere to go with this - you cant be with him and it will only ever cause a whole world of pain.

Be sensible here and end it, now. Minimise the potential pain that could occur and stay away from him, he is bad news.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011):

He is not worth it. Do you realize that he's totally taking advantage of you? The fact that he would sleep with someone his daughter's age should put you off. He took advantage of you when you were helpless and drunk. What makes you want to sleep with someone who did that to you? That's your best friend and even though she's not entirely involved, that's still her family and you need to respect that. Even though his marriage isn't going the way he wants, that doesn't give him a right to disrespect it by using you for sex. He doesn't care about you and I see no reason why you would be falling in love with him. Does the fact that he took advantage of you when you were drunk not botther you at all? Sorry to be negative, but you know what to do. Leave him alone and be honest with your best friend. They may hate you for it but best friends are honest with each other aren't they? Hope I helped

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