A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm driving myself insane with jealousy over the way my boyfriends family are with his ex girlfriend, but my friends say that the way they act isn't right and I have every right to be annoyed. It started at the beginning of the year when my boyfriend's sister got married. We had been together for about 5 months then, so when I found out that his ex was not only a bridesmaid but that I wasn't invited to the the day do, I was really quite upset. I had known that his ex was a guest but his sister is adamant that it was a last minute decision to make her a bridesmaid as they had been friends for a long time and it felt silly not asking her just because she was the bride's brother's ex. That wasn't the problem because if they are friends then there is no problem, the thing that really hurt me was when I was told that it was best I didn't go to the actually wedding or meal afterwards incase it caused tension. I was welcome at the night do though. My boyfriend had split up with her four or so months before we even met, so there shouldn't have been any tension at all but I argeed because we were still fresh and I didn't want to cause a falling out. My boyfriend was upset but I just said to forget it.Then last month at a birthday party for another family member, we all ended up staying at a hotel nearby. His ex was of course invited and the next morning sat with us during breakfast as if I wasn't there. I left the room pretending to have a headache and cried. My boyfriend wants to say something but I'm convinced it will make it worst and if I show I'm bothered that they will do it more.It little things as well, like nights out, or bbq's. She is always there, and if my boyfriend isn't invited then neither am I. His two sister's post stuff on Facebook about meeting up with her and they know I can see it. I know I'm sounding like I'm whining but I have tried to be their friends aside from their brother's girlfriend. I invite them over to our new flat, they don't come. I send them texts asking how they are or whatever, no reply. I'm not asking for them not to talk to their friend (the ex), I just wish they would try and maybe see why it upsets me. Like I said, my boyfriend is just as upset as I am that his ex is everywhere he goes, because she has made it clear she wants him back, and even though we are together, she still sends him birthday, Christmas presents ect.Am I being childish or should I say something to his sister's? I don't want to cause a fight because its not fair to him.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 July 2014):
 I don't see what you could say- the sisters have the right to be friends wth whomever they want, and , consequently, to invite their friends at their social events.
Unluckly, it's not just because you have been dating their brother for the last 5 months , that they have to prefer you or favour you, or want to befriend you. I am not saying they hate you- there would be no reason - but, have you thought they may just feel indifferent toward you ? If the brother fell in love with you- they don't have necessarily to do it too themselves. Maybe they just prefer another type of personality as a friend, with different ways, interests,behaviours, etc.etc. Which obviously does not mean " you suck "- it just means they feel more comfortable with other girls- and THE other girl ( the ex ) in particular. Plus, she was there first, in terms of how long they know her, so if at social events there are adjustments to make, I'd think it is normal they 'd make them to favour her, the old friend.
Perhaps, if you and your bf were married or on the verge of getting married, they SHOULD make more of an effort, whether they wish it or not. Because you'd be a regular member of the family, so with a family member, at least in theory, there has to be some warmth, some closeness, not just cold politeness. But, for a girl that 's simply been dating bro for a handful of months,.. I can see why they would not be too bothered to take you into their fold,if it just did not come spontaneous and natural, ( as unluckily it didn't ). I don't mean to jinx you, in fact personally I wish you well, but , for all they know, you could be a flash in the pan, and out of bro's life in a matter of months, so why make special efforts to get along with you , when you could be someone transient ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): It's tricky because it sounds like she was his sisters friend for a long time, their obviously not going to ditch her and to be honest they probably encourage her hope that she will get back with their brother. If they're such good friends they probably reminisce about how great it was when she was with their brother because they could always get together...so personally I think you're fighting a losing battle trying to befriend them yourself. Be friendly and nice but don't expect them to not invite her places. This can only be solved by your boyfriend having serious words and saying plain and simple he doesn't want to be with his ex and that for family things they do not invite her along because it is incredibly disrespectful to him and his new relationship. You can't stop them inviting her if it's just a friendly get together but his or parents birthdays and Christmas she shouldn't be a part of any more. It will take him stepping up and being a man about it. As for not going to the wedding, you hadnt even been together half a year so I can understand them not asking you. It's really kind you were asked to the evening party anyway but at my own wedding, our brother in law had recently got a girlfriend of 3 or 4 months and he didn't expect her to suddenly be invited, a hell of a lot of planning and budgeting goes into a wedding and the meal numbers would have been confirmed months in advance etc...so the wedding invite was nothing personal against you just think about it practically.I would definitely be asking our bf to take more responsibility, but don't work yourself up over it. He's chosen to be with you so if you do ever have to hear her company don't walk off and cry, you sit there and show her you have what she doesn't and you're not going anywhere xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 July 2014):
 Your boyfriend's ex seems to be staking a claim, and his sisters are letting her do it.
It is a tough one .... asserting your position as your boyfriends CHOSEN partner, while still acknowledging his sisters can chose their friends how they wish.
If your boyfriend is on board with you maybe next time there is an occasion where the ex is likely to be, he could politely decline the invitation, he could tell his family member his ex is his ex for a reason and he would rather spend quality with his girlfriend and if he wanted to spend time with his ex, she wouldn't be his ex!
It might take the family a few celebrations to get the message, its either your boyfriend or her.
Hopefully his sisters will wake up and realise they are being unfair to you, and to him.
In the meantime if they are not communication with you, or including you in their social media activities remove them as friends, why have them listed as friends when they are obviously anything but your friends.
Good luck, I hope it doesn't take too long to sort itself out!
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