A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 30 year old woman in a committed, loving relationship with a man who is nearly 50. I'm a compulsive cheater. I can't help myself and I hate myself so very much. I've had numerous one-night stands with various men. It is hard for anyone to believe me, but I love my boyfriend very much. I also suffer from depression. Is there hope for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel as if the two of you have looked into my soul. You are right. It's a horrible addiction. I suppose I was always fucked up, since the time I was gangraped as a girl of 13 and I've been on anti-depressants since then. You won't believe me if I tell you that I've never had an orgasm. Strange but true. The trigger in my case is usually alcohol. I just sleep with anyone when I'm drunk and I often forget about it totally....I go blank and wonder how I got into someone's bed. I don't find my boyfriend sexually attractive though he is conventionally decent looking. He's just a wonderful human being...caring, warm and intelligent. Much better person than I can ever hope to be. I have to find a therapist whose sessions help. So far therapists have only listened to me and never offered much advice. I can see myself a lot more clearly after what the two of you have said. I cannot thank you enough. You have made a difference in my life. Thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2014): There is a reward for your behaviour. Instant self esteem. Which you are missing. It is an addiction. This is exactly what it is in the stark light of day. An ADDICTION. You continually seek out a new hit from a new guy. Every situation brings you euphoria, a high, that unmistakable, seductive chemical cocktail that takes over your brain. The feel good, on top of the word endorphins... Self worth, self acceptance, love of attention, entitlement.... instant gratification... all these are the driving force behind your actions. You feel sexy, wanted, invincible. In the moment, life is perfect. You are a Goddess. What better feeling is there?BUT.... when that moment is over, and the spark and excitement of the moment wears off and it does wear off... you are left feeling like trash. Bad about yourself. Questioning your behaviour. And all that glorified self esteem suddenly vanishes down the toilet. In fact, that is your punishment. So, you reward and then punish yourself.It is a vicious, never ending cycle. Get your high. Feel good. Go into withdrawal. Seek another fix. Get high again. Repeat. You, like any addict, are admitting you have a problem. That is Step One. And a good start. We all need to start somewhere.I believe you are missing something within yourself. Deep down you are in some kind of deep pain. Something in your life has led you down this road. Your way of dealing with that pain is through self medication... or sex from strange men. They alleviate your pain for just a little while but if it goes un-addressed, you will never know the true source. And eventually you will hit rock bottom. You may already be there.The pain sadly is paradoxically greater after your high. You feel worse and worse each time. And instead of your self esteem being stronger, it starts to decay... slowly. To the point where no man will no longer be able to medicate your pain. And that this behaviour will no longer serve your purpose. It is as if it reaches its peak and then there is nowhere else to go but back down.I believe there is something in you that needs to be fixed. I also believe your relationship is not completely satisfactory to you. He may be a good guy and you may love him but there is also something missing with him, which only adds to your already proven ability to cheat. He may just be a stable force. A calm amid your storm. He may represent your wanting to do the right thing. Or he is your cake and you are off trying to eat the icing wherever else you can find it.So, you have some work to do. Look within yourself and look within your relationship. Honestly.I also think you need to find yourself a professional to speak to. There is no way you will ever be able to stop this behaviour on your own. Even though you want to, it has a powerful force and grip on you. You are almost helpless to it despite your very best intentions. You will eventually have a complete breakdown if you do not stop it. I guarantee it. You are already in a downward spiral.You will have to learn how to seek self esteem in yourself, not others. How to seek it from your accomplishments, the things which are good about you... because I am sure there are many good things about you.I hope it all works out. But I do believe you need help. Please, I urge you to find a professional therapist or counsellor. Let that be the beginning to your road to recovery.Take Care. Remember you are strong. You matter. You are NOT a bad person. You CAN change. You will get through it. And you will find happiness someday. HUGS.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I imagine your problem to be like an addiction problem. Not all therapies are alike, but if you were in cognitive behavioral therapy, the first things that you would need to find out would be:
1) What are the situations in which you cheat? Are there any specific "triggers" that you could learn to avoid or to cope with in a different way? Like, a day where you feel miserable? Going out with a certain friend? Drinking alcohol? Going to a certain location?
2) How are you feeling, what are you thinking right before you cheat? What's going through your mind exactly? Maybe you can find some specific "tempting" thoughts that you keep telling yourself. And it might already be a start to seriously question those beliefs that you fall for in those weak moments
3) How are you feeling after? What are you doing when it's over? What are the positive, what are the negative consequences of your cheating? How do you feel in the short run, and what's going to happen in the long run if you continue like that?
Also, from what you tell us, there is a downward spiral of feelings: You're overweight and so you don't feel attractive and wanted. Therefore you're depressed and have low self-esteem. To feel better, you cheat on your boyfriend, which seems to help for a short moment, but after that, you feel even worse, because on top of feeling unattractive, you also feel guilty and out of control.
To break this spiral, I highly recommend you find other ways to heighten your self-esteem. For instance, you could start to work on your body and your body image. If you start to work out and eat healthier, as well as dressing better, you will feel more attractive even if no one sleeps with you - you can get some validation just from looking at the mirror and being proud of yourself. Also, if you need validation, you can establish with your boyfriend some sort of communication, where HE is giving you what you need. Can you tell him "honey, I feel so unattractive today, can you tell me again what you like about me? I know you told me many times, but right now, I just want to hear it again". Another way to get more self-esteem is to do things for your career or for your community that make you proud of yourself. It will show you that you are more than just an overweight, cheating person, but someone with many qualities and competences.
Two more things to think about:
1) Your partner is almost 20 years older than you. How is your life together? How are your plans for the future? Do you find him physically attractive? Or do you more love him for other qualities? Has this problem come up with him first, or have you always been a compulsive cheater? I think it's important that you are honest with yourself, whether your partner and your relationship might also be part of the problem. You need to analyze when this problem first started.
2) Are you really just depressive or could it be that you are bipolar, and that you're only cheating in a hypomanic or manic state? Has this been thoroughly checked? If you are bipolar, antidepressants like SSRI (Zoloft etc.) are not the right choice of medication and you might benefit from a mood stabilizer in order to gain better self-control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I do it for the attention and validation. I never get any sexual pleasure out of it. It's just this addiction to being wanted. I gave self esteem issues because I'm fat and maybe male attention makes me feel less unattractive. I have been seeing a psychotherapist regularly but it hasn't helped so far. I'm also on anti-depressants. I'm not making excuses. I know my conduct is unforgivable. I just want to stop myself from repeating such terrible wrongs.
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female
reader, crazybeyatch  +, writes (26 October 2014):
 It hit me hard reading your question since i've been there before. I was out of control with my cheating. My reason for doing it was for attention. One of the top reasons why a person cheats. This may sound crazy, but it took me signing myself up for counseling and having "mind fights" with myself. Just like an alcoholic think they need alcohol...or a druggy thinks they need drugs. Its ALL in their minds. You start playing mind games with yourself that you ONLY need the man your dating. And sooner or later you will win this battle. Trust me some days you will slip up and do a one night stand but in time you will beat this addiction for the wrong attention. If that doesn't help then if you say you love your man like you do, reverse roles and just imagine how you would feel if you found out he was going behind your back and doing what your doing to him now. Imagine the heartache... all the tears flying down his face from the pain you subjected him too. Ive learned thru it all that its NOT worth being in a relationship if all you want to do is sleep around with any guy that gives you a wink or a cute pick up line. ITS NOT WORTH IT. Im not tryin to sound like a b*tch.... im just being real so hopefully it wakes you up out of this crazy whirlwind world your falling into due to your actions.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 October 2014):
 I agree with Auntie Bim Bim
Seek help - professional help. DEAL with the issues at hand, don't use them to EXCUSE behavior.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 October 2014):
 Seek professional help. Go to your GP for a referral.
Until you understand why you behave like this you will have no real reason to stop.
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