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I want to save my marriage. But my husband rejects me sexually. What would you suggest I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Faded love, Family, Health, Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 February 2011) 2 Answers - (Newest, 14 February 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *haron L writes:

hi ny husband is 35 and we have been together for 4 years and married for 2 and a bit,

when we first got together our relation ship was great i had all the sex and cuddles kisses i could ask for, then i moved into my own home with my 3 kids and asked if he wanted to come live with us, he did.

our sex life continued until 4mths into our relationship i got pregnant, and after that every thing changed. even though i surported him with every thing, he just came out of jail when i met him and i also just at the point of being pregnant found out he was on heroin, i gave him surport and found him help for the drugs. the sex improved for a while then as i became due to give birth , he was spending alot of time with his mets. when our son was born he had to have a operation on his tiny heart to survive- the two main arteries in his heart were the wrong way round(tga). the whole time my son was in hospital my husband only spent about half a hour with me and my son then went again, i thought nothing of it as he was traveling by train to and from the hospital and my mind was only really on my son cuz every day he was fighting to live until his op`

when he came out of hospital the me and my husband were close but no sex as i was focussed on my son and keeping him well, when we did have sex it was quick and no forplay and he went in dry and it hurt.

my husband took up gambling after coming off the drugs and i thought it was normal, but it causes 80% of all our arguments, the other 20% is lack of sex.

we then got married a year later and 3mths into our marrage i found out that while our son was fighting to survive in hospital he was off having a affair nwith a woman that was also on heroin and she lived around the corner from our house.

because i was in such a state and depresion was getting a strong hold of me i never and any strengh emotionaly or phyisicaly, so i stayed married and we agreed to work through it and he made all the promises to love me and never do it again and i was his life and soul, i belived him,

then as time went on our sex life got less and less and we always ended up having really bad arguments about it and cuz i was ill i blamed my self, and the only answer he would ever give me was "its because was in jail and never had sex foe 4years". i told him that if that was the case then we should be at it like rabbits,

then time went on and its now 2 years into our marriage and things are the same, i have tried every thing from sex games to nice underwear to romantic meals with candles ans even experimented with differant fruit and veg, it started to get better but the last year has been hell, he dont even come near me.

i watch him sit and study the paper to make sure he picks the winng horse or football team and i watch how exited he gets when he is readinng and flicking through his betting forms, and i say to him ,"why dont you put that much energy and passion into our marrage?" he just ignores me,

now iwe had a massive row about the no sex and and i told him he needs to make the choice me or the gambling, i have been off anti depressents now for 8mths and i am working hard to keep my self above the ground for myself and for my kids, but i told him that i dont know what else to do, he givd me no surport, i went throgh my illness on my own, he was never there for me, but i give him all he needs all the love i have i share it with him and my kids but all his love goes on the gambling,

he gets up in the morning 7am takes my kids to school then goes straight to the betting shop(he dont work) and i dont see him until 3pm. then he comes home and sits in front of the tele and watches cefax and checks his winings,

i have now told him i and phyiscaly drained, i dont know what else to do, i am even gaining weight because of the stress of things, i have a very high sex drive and i find myself satifying myself on a evening when he is down stairs, he just dont seem to want me but i love him so much i dont know how to let go. i told him he is single handedly distroying our marriage and devorce is the only thing left as i cant think of any thing else to do, we have massive blow out rows then the next day he acts like nothing happens, i feel my self slipping back down the depression road as i feel like i am clinging on to a man that dont want to be here, he tells me he loves me and that he wants to stay , but he dont never put any effort in to us, any one can tell you that they love you or you look nice but a true man in love would show you he loves you, but he dont,

please help me save ny marriage and tell me what to do, maybe there is some thing i have missed and havent tried, i just dont know any more what to do,

sharon L

View related questions: affair, drugs, gambling, in jail, moved in, sex drive, sex life, underwear

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (14 February 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't know,maybe it's me . Maybe I am getting to old for Dear Cupid, but some times, I just don't get it.

So, you have 3 kids and a lazy, unemployed , ex con, (s ex ( supposedly ) heroin user , cheater, gambling addict husband who mooches off you and gives you no attention or support. But you are worried that you don't make love often enough . That's the big problem, sex. Like, if you can have more sex, then you have the perfect marriage and the perfect role model for your kids right ?

I know that I sound mean spirited and intolerant, but certain things get at me. You know who is the gambler ? You are the gambler,you are gambling your life away, yours and your children's. And it's a lousy bet, the odds are totally against you. This game has been rigged .

I have a couple idea about why he is not so amorous : first , he could be still on drugs, heroin is notoriously far from an aphrodisiac. Second, he has a powerful gambling addiction, his addiction is his true lover, like you perceived yourself he puts all his passion , all his desire , all his thought in it, so he does not even need a woman, the kicks he gets from gambling are probably more exciting for him than any form of sex. That's the way it often goes with addiction.

His addiction ( and his addictive personality ) are strictly linked to your current erotic life, and I don't think things will change if he does not stop gambling.

But, the question is : does he WANT to stop gambling ? You can't make people stop doing anything, unless they have already decided in their heart it's time to stop.

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A female reader, ellie1963 United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2011):

ellie1963 agony aunthellooooo, why are you still with this man? he doesnt deserve you he will never change, iv been there done that. YOu need to break free you are enabeling him to be like this. Imagine the affect it is having on your children. Leave if he really wants you he will change and come back to you.

If you must tell him you will be there fore him but you cant help some one that wont help themselves. He will probably never change hunny.

Take good care and please look at your life and re read what you have written you are in an herendous situation.

Love Ellie xxxx

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