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I had to cancel my wedding because of my boyfriend's attitude, I'm still trying to make it work but he has nothing to offer to the relationship and wants me to justify why I want to get married!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 April 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been in a relationship with my partner for six, almost seven years. We got together in our early 30's and are now in our late 30's.

I've always been very vocal about what I want from our relationship - a long term commitment with marriage and a family. He has always said that this is what he wants too. Yet he only proposed to me last year after 6 years.

He's also very emotionally immature and I've tried to give him the time and the space to mature, he has had some other issues also and promised to see therapy. This promise was made almost 5 years ago and he didn't do as he said he would.

After attempting to organise the wedding last year, he became increasingly nasty and emotionally abusive towards me, so I cancelled the whole thing. I had to fire the photographer, stop getting my dress made and let people know to clear their diaries. This was all on me to do, also as organising the wedding seemed to all fall on me.

I moved into our spare room and have been skewing here for six months now giving him a last ditch attempt to make it right. He seems ok with the situation and won't bring up and honest talks about where we are. He's constantly saying one minute that he wants to get married and then another that he doesn't. And asking me to justify why I want to.

We also have many ongoing issues such as he has ADHD which he won't get any help with, our sex life has dwindled to non existent and he does nothing to fix it and also he has been emotionally abusive and avoidant to discuss the issues or act in them. The fact that I love him and wanted to commit to him has made me stay but now I feel so exhausted and depleted from the confusion of the relationship.

I feel so taken for granted and hurt. I tried to initiate another conversation to discuss the future as I don't want to continue as things are and again he asked me to explain why I want to get married. I've given this man almost seven years of my life, I'm in my late 30's now and I'm terrified it's too late to meet another man and be able to start a family. I feel so lost.

If he had been honest from the start about not wanting to get married then I could have done something sooner, but in fact it feels as though he's strung me along for years telling me what I want to hear and then doing nothing about it. I'm at the point now where I don't trust him, he's hurt me so much and I feel strongly that I need to leave for my own self respect.

I still love him and it feels excruciatingly painful, though I know that I deserve better. Please can you give me any advice that will help me to move forward. Thank you.

View related questions: emotionally abusive, immature, moved in, sex life, wedding

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (18 April 2017):

YouWish agony auntI don't think you're with him because you love him. You could separate him for any warm willing male person willing to go through with a marriage. You are not pushing him out of any sense of love. You're pushing him because YOU want to be married. He's been giving signals the entire time that he's not ready to do it, or he doesn't want to. This isn't about immaturity, but incompatible goals.

It's not that he's been stringing you along. That's evident in what you said - that you were giving him "time to mature". People should be mature by their 30's. He has been telling you nonverbally that he's not wanting to marry, and you've made the same mistake many women do with guys who don't want kids - believing that he'll change his mind once he meets the right women.

Also, you have to question the logic of trying to give someone a "last ditch effort" by withholding sex and moving into another room in the house. That's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's not surprising that he's not biting. He's been wanting the pressure off for 5 years.

If you want to be married, it's not going to be to him. You need to cut bait and leave him if marriage is a life goal. You'll have to find someone else, because marrying won't make someone grow up, or mature, or change. You have to accept him as he is, which means you will never marry as long as you're with him.

There's nothing to "work" in this relationship. It's on its last legs. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to, and getting married because you're terrified that you're too old to meet someone else is as dishonest as any reason to marry. It's best to leave him and find a guy whose idea of marriage is more compatible with yours.

The good news in all of this is - you're not expired. Many guys your age have sowed their wild oats, and are looking to settle down themselves. This *is* the prime time for you to leave this guy and find someone new.

I just had an Easter/family reunion with my husband's large family, and his cousin who is in his 40's and had never married surprised us all by showing up married to this awesome woman, also in her 40's. She was a bit embarrassed to admit that they met online, but he wasn't, and as they told their story and all of us cheered for them, she came out of her shell and realized how great their meeting up story was. They were so in love with each other that we were all really happy (and nauseated by their lovey-doveyness all in a good way! We kept clinking our glasses to tease them all afternoon).

So it's NOT too late! The only time being wasted is you staying with this guy who doesn't want to marry.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2017):

And just to cheer you up I know of at least two women who had successful pregnancies after the age of 38!

Both had a following sibling as well!

So meeting the guy for you and having the family you want can happen with the correct guy.

So get out there and socialise and meet your new man!x

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (18 April 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou have tried long and hard enough. He isn't going to change. You don't trust him.

You live in separate rooms.

He refuses to get help for his medical issues.

What's there to stay for? You need to decide if you are content to live like this for the rest of your life (average another 40+ years).

Your life, your choice, you decide.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2017):

oh the joy of the spare room, the closed door and the walls that allow you a little peace!

After years of hot and cold behaviour you finally took the bull by the horns and cancelled the wedding!

This enormous surge of independance was a last ditch stand of yours to show that you would not do or tolerate everything thrown at you and that you have standards!

Most of the problems you mention get worse after marriage rather than better!

Stop kidding yourself that its redemable and move out to a new spare room.

One that allows new people into your life.

People with similar standards of behaviour because this guy is playing power games and using ADHD as his excuse.

Free from this manipulation you may find you grow wings of confidence and self respect.

Dont ever give him any more sex because the bond is finally broken.

Just get a neat suitcase to pack and practise saying aurevoir in twenty diffent languages as you turn the key for the last time leaving an explanatory note that he can take his time to digest as he seems a bit thick skinned and is likely to prevent you just to save face.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2017):

This is not love its say you feel its too late to move on that's not a reason to say, also you have waited 6 yrs yet no marriage or kids?? What if you wait another 6yrs and he doesn't give you either ...if he has to question why you want to get married then he's not in the same mind set as you....move on you deserve better ..he said at the start he wanted the same as you (he just said it so you would stay ) if he wanted the same it would of happened by now don't let him talk crap to you ....good luck

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