A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some advice...I am a 29 year old female, I've been with the same person long term for years now, having lived together with eachother for the past almost three years. In January of this year, after some investigating, I caught him having an affair with one of our mutual friends, a family friend, in our apartment. This same friend pretended to like me, to be my friend, too. The wake of this has left me utterly depressed and miserable. I know that what happened spelled the end of us, without a doubt I'd never be able to forgive the extent of what he did, in our own shared apartment. He's made an elaborate show of trying to prove he "only wants me" and blah blah blah, lots of crocodile tears but no real action to back it up. Just more proof, for me, that its not worth my time at all. The question here isn't if I can forgive him, as I have no desire to. I know I deserve so much more.The issue now, is I still live with him. I've looking at tons of apartments, contacted people, even craiglist roommates with strangers and every single one falls through. I don't have a lot of friends in the area, I did stay with some family for a bit but it was a 50 plus mile commute one way back and forth to work. The majority of one bedrooms in my area are way overpriced (IE: 1000+ per month for a one bed) so the ones that are more affordable are harder to come by. I am still diligently looking for a new place every day... the only problem is how do I survive this???I've been sleeping in a separate room from him, avoiding him as much as I can, I go out with friends EVERY weekend and have thus far this year climbed 5 mountains in the area and even drove to Ohio from MA on an impulse to hike 12 miles by myself. I made plans for July, a two week long trip with my friend to the desert... but I can't stand being stuck in this apartment with him. Every night he pretends NOTHING happened and asks me why I am not sleeping in the same bed with him. Keeps asking me about going on the yearly family vacation we've been going on, keeps asking me to still be in his cousin's wedding... He has a lot of talk about "how much he loves me" and this other woman meant nothing to him. Its just bullshit. I feel so goddamn angry every day. Additionally, this other woman who spent a lot of time in my apartment, she had very thick black hair, whereas mine is reddish blonde. On more than one occasion I've found her hairs on my person, wrapped around my wrist, they just appear like a haunting reminder of the lie of a life I've been living. I also have this nagging, gut feeling that he is still communicating with her.. somehow. I am almost convinced of it. There has been various suspect behavior, and the other woman was also recently married last year and her husband thinks that her and my boyfriend "only kissed". I just get the impression that if she's still not being honest with her husband than she is not truly committed to reconciliation and therefore wouldn't have an issue still carrying on cheating on him. I KNOW it shouldn't matter to me AT ALL, and I've tried several different strategies to STOP thinking about it but I just can't. I have a lot of nightmares and literally the only time I feel better is when I am hiking or doing strenuous exercise, to the point where my brain is blank. Its not possible to do this EVERY day though. Has anyone else been through this? Had to live with someone who hurt them so badly for a period of time? I have a couple of good apartment prospects that I am looking at this week and I PRAY they work out.. but if not, how do I manage? I feel like I am going insane. I keep getting these impulses to do something crazy like try to catch him with her again, send her husband another email, get her husband's phone number and text him to make sure he knows the full truth, etc etc. But I know none of it matters, logically. How do I cope???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 June 2015):
 Wow, that is a LOT to deal with!
What a CRAPTASTIC BF and friend! Yikes!
I've been in a situation where I was utterly blindsided by a partner, so I know the pain.
For me, the ANGER helped a lot - it made me able to detach from the situation, I felt more numb than anything else. THANKFULLY I didn't live with him, so it was MUCH easier for me, I didn't have to look at his idiotic mug every day like you do. That has to super suck.
My advice, KEEP looking for a place to stay. Don't give up. Make THAT you primary goal. Finding a place you can afford, room mate situation can be quite OK. Try googling roommate finder and your city/state see what pops up.
Exercise is quite helpful too. I did the same thing as well, I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my jaw hurting so bad (because I was SO angry in my sleep I clenched it) and I would get up and go for a run, even at 3 am. Just to get that "numb" feeling back. I took kickboxing lessons (GREAT way to work out some of that anger) and definitely better then punching him.
But after a while the anger dissipate and you are left with a bit of self loathing. Like WHY on Earth didn't I see this? Why did I date such a loser? Do I have such bad taste in guys? What is wrong with me? And honestly after about a year I came to the conclusion that there was nothing WRONG with me, that he hadn't cheated on me (with multiple women) because of ME, but because HE was lacking. Why did I see it? Well, he had been doing that multiple GF for years, he was VERY good at juggling it all. (even down to having journals with info on everyone - how creepy is that?!)URGH!
All in all, I came to the conclusion that the SILVER LINING (and there is ALWAYS ONE, trust me!) was that I was NO longer with him. I wouldn't be WASTING any more time, emotions or effort on a guy who didn't even deserve to LICK the bottom of my boots.
So FIND your silver lining, it's there. Like be glad you two didn't get married... or had kids together! etc.
I hope your house-hunting goes well and that you find a new home. Once you move out, your head space will hopefully move with you. Wondering and worrying about what your (now ex) is doing and doing it to becomes irrelevant, because HE becomes irrelevant.
I took almost 2 years of from relationships after what I went through, mostly because I didn't trust my instincts when it came to guys. I wasn't sure I'd pick a "good one" - wasn't sure I could even SEE a "good one".
So don't jump into dating someone new too fast, take your time to GET over what happened. To accept that you dated a cheating lying sack of manure, but that YOU also walked away from said sad sack!
It DOES get better. It just takes time.
Chin up and STAY positive. DON'T let HIS rotten behavior get you down.
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (10 June 2015):
Ouch.
Your story cuts to the bone, and yes, there are some of us out here who have survived this.
How do you survive it? One day at a time, baby, until you can afford to think on longer terms.
An old marine friend of mine taught me something when I was walking through the flames. He said that when you're in real trouble, just repeat to yourself "get through this one" over and over and over again - literally surviving one second to the next. After awhile of that, you can eat whole minutes. Minute by minute, you'll conquer an hour.
Healthy people can live in the now, remember the past, and plan for the future. As our stress level increases, our ability to handle time shortens. When you're super busy at work, maybe you can't afford the time to remember last years vacation, nor plan next months social gathering. In the aftermath of a traffic accident, there's nothing but right now. If you need to go to that place, where there's nothing but right now, there's no shame in retreating to the now.
The financial difficulty in moving out can be a real pickle. There is housing assistance in MA for lower income, or you might be able to move to a nearby suburb with lower rental rates. It might be worth your while to convince him to move out.
Alternatively, you can just stop paying rent. If you live in MA you can ride out the eviction process for almost a year while banking whatever savings you can. I don't really suggest it, as it's a dishonest way to behave, but lots of people ride the system like that.
The nightmares will be a nightly thing for a few months, and will be pretty regular for almost a full year, I am sorry to say. If you're anything like me, you will continue to get visuals and imagine ghosts of this pain, sometimes without warning for years to come. Six years on, I still sometimes wake up at 3 AM crying, I get unreasonably angry at nothing in particular, and can have my breath stolen by a sudden image in my head of things I never saw, but know happened.
You are stronger than this pain. All you have to do is "get through this one". Say "Yes I can" one more time than the ghosts say "You can't beat this".
Do yourself a favor, and seek counseling with a qualified therapist. Talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy can really do a lot to help put the hurt in its place, and give you real tools and strategies for managing.
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