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I moved to be nearer to her, now she has broken up with me.

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 September 2017) 25 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2017)
A male United States age 41-50, *ooking to vent writes:

I'm fifty years old and moved over a year ago to be near my girlfriend she is 48 and I thought she was the love of my life. Suddenly she started saying she was busy all of the time and tired So I havnt seen her in two weeks. Tonight she broke up with me by text message! I'm confused as to how someone who told me she loves me over and over could suddenly end a three and a half year relationship by text message I feel very alone and confused . I also feel like I've probably been played for a fool. I want to call her but she doesn't answer . The only thing I can think of to do is to move home it seems a real shame that after all this time we will probably never see each other again How could someone treat another person like that.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (19 September 2017):

N91 agony auntIt hurts to hear man but it will help you get over it knowing the truth.

I've been there, trust me.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntAt least you know the truth now, I know it doesn't make it any easier but try and take some comfort knowing that you are better off without her in your life if she is a liar and a cheat.

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A male reader, Just wanting to vent United States +, writes (15 September 2017):

Thank you for your advice. I recently met with a friend of my x. When she heard about what her friend had done she lent a sympthetiv ear. Apparently my x has always had very large sexual appetite When I said that my x told me that including me she had only been with four men. She said well maybe four serious ones but apparently has had lots of one night stands booty calls and affairs I'm guessing my x lied to me about every little thing and was living a double life. The prim and proper one she thought I wanted her to be and the slutty girl she really is.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI didn't get a chance to answer your question, but I have read through all the updates and I am truly sorry that this has happened to you. This woman sounds toxic. She has a drink and drug problem and even though you are probably one off the best things that has happened her she doesn't see it like that. She is toxic and so is her flat mate. The best thing you can do is move home and move on with your life. Yes it is difficult but you deserve so much better in life. Please don't try and be a jerk. Stay who you are and be true to yourself.

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A male reader, Just wanting to vent United States +, writes (14 September 2017):

Hey everybody your words have been helpful so I thought I would come back and give you some background on my x. These are things that I found out along the way and some I knew before we got together. She was married for a very long time. Over 17 years When she divorced him and moved in with a friend She admits that it was too fast but she started dating a much older man and moved in with him soon after. From what I was told she was engaged to him. She didn't tell me why but she broke up with him and her roommate told me that he later died of acute alcoholism. She then married husband number two about a month after she left him is when we started seeing each other. A few weeks later he also died of acute alcoholism. I guess i was stupid to get involved with her in the first place. She obviously doesn't get too emotionally attached to anyone

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (13 September 2017):

Sorry to hear she has been sleeping around on your back. The good thing is that you fount out what was all about her weird acting.

I hope things get better for you OP.

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A male reader, Looking to vent United States +, writes (12 September 2017):

Looking to vent is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm gonna repost this because I don't see it on the site. Thank you all. I'm alone here and this has helped tremendously. To wizole owls question. I've never had a lot of money so other than a trip to the beach and one to New Orleans then any gift I bought was within my means. I had a hunch and it was confirmed. My x is on match.com. I think that is why she gets so many e mails and why she has been acting weird. I think she probably has been sleeping around for some time I would have liked to talk to her one more time and get closure but now I think I will just head back home and ignore her As for other women well I have a grown daughter who loves her daddy very much and is ready for me to move. I raised her from a baby by myself and I can't wait to see her and be able to spend more time with her we still won't be living in the same town but we will be closer. Thank you all again and god bless

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A male reader, Looking to vent United States +, writes (12 September 2017):

Looking to vent is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To answer wizeoleowls question. No I didn't shower her with gifts. I did take her to the beach for a week for her birthday one year and to New Orleans another year. Today I had a hunch to look on a dating site I'm sure you all have guessed that I did indeed find her profile there I have no idea how long she's had it but it makes things and excuses she's made come more into focus I would like closure on this and wanted to meet with her but now I think this issue is closed for me. It's a shame because she has been a big part of my life for a long time and now I doubt we will ever see each other again because I plan to move back home asap. As for the other fish in the sea. Well I think I may be done dating for awhile. People call me intelligent but I seem to be very ignorant in picking good women it seems like they love me for a short time and then it's done. Oh well. I have one young lady that I know loves me. I know this because I raised her by myself from a baby to the beautiful young woman she is today. Thanks for all your comments and well wishes. I don't usually get on sites like this but it has helped more than you all know because I have no one in this state and am at work when all my friends and fam back home are in bed. Thank you all

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (12 September 2017):

OP,

It seems that such roomie isn't happy seeing someone else happy.

There are a lot of people bitter like that, that take joy sabotaging any kind of happiness other people haves.

I have dealt with a ton of persons like that, it's really a pain in the *ss. People with weak personalities like your ex are usually the prey of those people. They seem to be "friends", but in reality they are just enemies and want nothing but your suffering. If those persons can't be happy, then no one else can, and will do to great lengths to achieve that, such as, faking a suicide attempt, making drama out of nowhere, you get the point.

When your ex told you she loved you, for that moment could have been true. But now it's too late, the damage is done. She lost you. I think it's a bad idea getting back with her.

Your ex is like those girls that let her parents mess with their lives of make havoc on every decision they make, except that instead of her parents, it's that roomie of her.

You are very lucky, you dodged a bullet. You deserve a better woman for you. You deserve at least a break up in person, which any sane person in the world would give to you.

Best luck!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

You never responded to my questions about giving this woman money, expensive gifts, or paying her bills. I just sense these two women are running a scam on men; and use sex as their bait. When they have their bank accounts all set; the men get kicked to the curb.

They don't necessarily have to be bi-sexual. All they need to do is seduce the man, and he'll take it from there.

Just like telling some women "I love you" has a mesmerizing power like a spell; giving men sex has almost the same effect. They go blind and don't see anything else.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYour ex-GF has chosen this toxic room mate over you. Why? Who knows maybe she likes the implications that the room mate "NEEDS" her more. She gets to "save" the room mate from herself. Even though she is actually enabling a pretty destructive person.

It just seems like there is a LOT more to that relationship with her room mate than meets the eye. In the bigger picture, you might have dodged a really bad situation by this being over.

Personally, I would ABSOLUTELY cut all contact. Make sure you give her back ANYTHING you have at your place that is hers and then CUT the contact. Block and delete her number. My guess is she will want you to keep being her text buddy or person to lean on when the drama gets too much with the room mate.

A relationship with 3 people in it rarely works if the intentions were to have a relationship with 2! people.

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A male reader, Looking to vent United States +, writes (12 September 2017):

Looking to vent is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Also let me add that back in July when the shadiness started. My x told me they were getting a condo in Florida for a little vacay. She told me I couldn't go because I would be working. A person they know offers this condo to them every year it seems. She is a coworker of the roommate. Strange that the weirdness started after she told me that. Also. The roommate would always breakup with her bf and the sleep around. Then get back together with him. Starting to wonder if that is what me x is wanting to do though I have. Ever thought she was a sleep around person she has always had relationships as far as I know

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A male reader, Looking to vent United States +, writes (12 September 2017):

Looking to vent is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Here is info on roommate. They have been living together about the same length of time as we have been dating. The roommate is sexually promiscuous and has tried to get my x to have a thressome with her and other guy on at least two occasions. She is an alcoholic (honestly I think my x maybe also) and they both take sleeping pills and smoke pot. I don't. Her first "suicide attempt" was when we first started discussing me moving. She wasn't getting enough attention so she went to bed and then test another person saying what she had done. This happened again this past may. At one point my x was tired of drama and was calling and spending time at my place which was great. Then the Roonmy statutes texting her and laying lots of guilt on her around July is when my x started acting funny Then every weekend in august she seemed to be always working and then tired my x once told me that she knows her roomy has tried to cause problems between us. Also the roommates x told me that she has been interfering in our relationship for sometime. He said don't take it personally she doesn't want kare with anyone. Also the roommate always smiles in my face and acts like we are friends. She even once made the comment that if she hears our bed squeaking she gonna try to come jump in. She also says she may be bi sexual. Starting ton wonder if my x is also.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHave you ever done a background check on her? It seems weird that someone who is a friend, co-worker and room mate would attempt suicide if there wasn't more going on...

Sounds more like they were/are an item as well.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 September 2017):

N91 agony auntI agree, I think there's more going on with those guys than you think.

Walk away and don't look back, don't let her back in your life for her to walk all over you. She disrespected you with a poor breakup and now it seems as if she may be trying to go back on things by wanting to meet up.

Don't let her worm back in, she's right you deserve better.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

Why didn't you include those details in your previous post about the roommate. Maybe there is more to those two than just being roommates. Funny she would just breakup with you over a suicide attempt from a roommate.

I think you're in denial. Perhaps these two are lovers.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (12 September 2017):

It seems that her roomie is the one that controls her, or knows how to push her buttons. It's a big red flag there.

I honestly think you should move on, and don't look back.

You deserve better. You deserve more than a Text break up after 2 years together.

There are better women out there.

And you are right on spot. You treat women too well. I was like that a long while ago. Treating woman well got me not too far. It was until I started to behave a little like a jerk that when things changed for the better. I don't say you should treat women badly, just don't treat them too well, keep your distance, and they will start to notice you. =)

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A male reader, Looking to vent United States +, writes (12 September 2017):

Looking to vent is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We broke up for a couple of weeks once her roommate the psycho started for us. She was my high school sweetheart We reconnected after 30 years on Facebook. She has lain beside me in bed and looked deeply into my eyes and said I love you. There was no fakeness in that We were head over heels for each other for a long time. Then her roommate faked a suicide attempt and things changed the break up text said this is how I feel right now. Makes me think she wants me to hang on. That's not gonna happen. Gonna head home as soon as I can. Ironically she has now text me and said you re right you deserve better than text breakup. E can talk whenever you're ready. Not sure how I wanna play it I just know that trust is an issue with us now and that's tough. Also. I don't flirt with other girls. One woman has always been enough for me. My mother tells me I treat them too well and maybe I need to be more of a jerk Don't like doing that though

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSounds like she wanted you to rescue her from this room mate situation in her mind but not in reality.

Some people have some rather dysfunctional friendships and relationships - sounds like the one she has with her room mate is one. BUT she gets something out of this.

And it also sounds like she liked the IDEA of you moving closer but the reality wasn't what she imagined.

Not your fault, not hers either. It just didn't work out.

You are now free to move where ever your line of work can take you, it might mean you GET to spread your horizon and see some place you haven't before. Again, I know it hurts but try and look at the bright side it will do more for you than feeling sad and bitter (not saying you shouldn't feel upset it didn't work out, but in the end maybe it was for the better.- for you)

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

I'm sorry for the way you have been treated but at least you found out what she is like before you married and bought a house with her. Look at it this way any woman who would do to you what she has done you want no part of. It will take some time but you'll heal and get on with your life.

Good luck

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A male reader, Looking to vent United States +, writes (11 September 2017):

Looking to vent is verified as being by the original poster of the question

It was my idea but it was discussed. I had a job that allowed me to spend time with her. Was the ft one full week a month and paid very well. Company went out of buisness and I was offered another job. However it was going to mean the end of our relationship. ( we were together two years at that point ) So after discussing she told me she would love for me to be near so we could see each other a lot and though she didn't want to rush into it eventually live together. However she has a roommate ho is. Expressed and has aid sheik too many sleeping pills twice. They live together work together and she has propositioned my x at least twice with a fhreessome She domintes her time

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

My heart goes out to you, my friend. So few men want to commit these days; and not too many would go that far out of their way to be with someone they cared for, from a long-distance.

Did you inform her you were moving to be closer; or did you just up and decide to do it? Were you sensing that she was growing distant, and pulling-away; and felt by moving closer that might resolve the problem?

Perhaps you're coming on a bit strong; but didn't read the signals that she just wasn't that into you. She wouldn't even face you, and dumped you by text-message. Odd for a woman her age!

We're in the same age-group; so let me respond based on wisdom and experience. I think she was enjoying a long-distance romance, and liked conducting a make-believe love-affair. You moved nearby, and shoved reality in her face.

By moving closer, that may have flushed all the fantasies of her fairy-tale romance down the toilet. Now you can judge and evaluate her up-close. You may even catch her in a few lies about herself.

You must now conduct a relationship in real-time, and face-to-face. You may not be exactly the kind of man she wants you to be; but keeping you at a safe-distance made it easier to pretend you are.

She might have found a guy she really likes; and suddenly she feels she's ready to move on. You seem too enamored to just take "no" for an answer. You've invested your feelings, and uprooted your life to be with her.

Has she broken-up with you before? Be honest! Were you casually seeing someone else at the same-time that she may have somehow discovered? Are you flirting with women on Facebook, or do you subscribe to a dating-site? Did you close any open dating-site accounts before you moved? Do you have a lot of lady-friends; and/or stay in-contact with exes? Are you chummy with an ex-wife? Women hate that!!!

Don't attempt to contact her anymore. You must respect even a texted breakup-notification. It's a blow to the pride, and a stab in the heart; but let maturity take hold of your emotions. You've been down this road before.

You're no longer a boy, and must man-up to this situation.

She liked saying "I love you," and maybe she only wanted to hear it echoed back at her. Getting older and never hearing those words can be tough on a lonely person; even if she has to hear it from someone she doesn't really love back. It's required to be said to someone you've tagged a boyfriend.

Dear Sir, some people are like that. She just assumed you'd stay put, and everything would just continue according to the normal-routine. You shocked her by showing-up as a three-dimensional figure! You know it's the 21st century, and people conduct LDR's nowadays. They actually consider it a substitute for the real thing!!! All you see are head and shoulders on Skype, WhatsApp, or Instagram; and there's no body-image to worry about. A few dates or visits, here and there. Then head back to where you belong. Back up on the shelf, until she needs you.

People will cool very quickly if you're too clingy and desperate. Think now! Your post subtly indicates that you may be pursuing her with a lot of fervor. Maybe you come-on a bit too strong? Forcing things according to your own will, and not giving her much say? You don't have to confirm or deny this. I'm only speculating. It's up to you to be honest with yourself. I'm on the outside looking in.

I only hope you didn't spend a lot of your money on her. Trying to buy her affections by spoiling her with expensive gifts and/or paying her bills. If you played Sugar Daddy, you may have been played! You don't get mad, you just write it off! You don't really get played, unless you want to be!

Getting closer to seal the deal; may have sent her high-tailing it in the opposite direction.

In any case, she wants out. Leave her alone now. Move on! Don't worry yourself why people do things like this. You've lived long enough to know that sometimes people and life can be cruel. You put it behind you, and keep moving forward.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (11 September 2017):

Man, this girl was not into you.

You see, when you make all the effort of changing cities just to be with the girl you love, and that girl stops contact and ditches you, it's very likely because she is already with someone else, and like you have said, you've been played for a fool. It's NOT your fault, there are many girls like this sadly.

You need to learn from your mistakes, and always test waters before taking a big leap, like living together for a couple of months at least. If you can't live together for a couple of months, you have no chances of having a long term relationship with that person.

There are many of girls out there waiting for a nice guy like you. Just go out there, get in shape, fix any issues you have, work on your assertiveness, and things will get better soon.

Best luck!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWere you moving part of a "plan" to be together? Was it discussed or did you make that choice alone?

I ask because it seems to me (and you perhaps) that the logical step in an LDR is one party or both move closer to the other in order to make the LDR into a NON-long distance Relationship. It seems like a "natural progression".

Move back home, CUT her off, delete and block and start over.

Seems like what you wanted (to BE together) was not was she really wanted. It might even have been why she chose a man who lived further away from her. Or it might have been that she found during this last year that you two weren't as good of a match IN person as she had hoped.

I know that doesn't feel well at all for you. The silver lining has she ended it in such a way that walking away from her should be "easier (not saying it IS easy but easier due to the callous way she dumped you). And that she didn't drag this out further. She might have spent the last 2 week figuring out HOW to end it with you. And while I FEEL like a text message is NO way to end it, she might have felt it was the "safest" way to do it. The less dramatic for both of you.

If you look back, how was the relationship up until 2 weeks ago? Was it going downhill? Were there things you two talked about changing but nothing happened? Or was it out of the blue?

If I were you I would take some time to get over this relationship.

Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't.

Next time, I'd say try and find someone who lives a LOT closer so you don't have to go through moving and don't spend 3 years in an LRD.

Chin up, she isn't the only woman out there.

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia + , writes (11 September 2017):

holeymoley agony auntReal sorry this has happened to you, hardly fair and must hurt. Who knows why people choose to do what they do and act so poorly. Relations cool down, people turn off but that is no excuse for txt'ing someone a break up- thats just cowardly and down right dirty. You may feel like being played for a fool at the moment but really there is no shame in loving and trusting someone is true. Personally, I'd txt her likewise since she is not willing to pick up- that would go something a little like " ***k You too". Save yourself the heartache of trying to work out why and hope to get answers in stead, try pick yourself up best you can and hope Karma plays its part somewhere in along the way. Best of luck in moving on

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