A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with another woman that lasted a very long time. Our affair lasted 12 years. It was the right thing to do for both of us. She is considerably younger than me and neither of us thought it would go on so long...but it just never ended until now.Our respective spouses do not know of our affair that I am aware of.I am trying to move on but my heart is broken and I am quite sad to have lost contact with her. She was in many ways, my closest friend. I understand how wrong I was. I just want to know what is the best way to move on and get over the sadness.
View related questions:
affair, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2014): It must be a miserable lonely feeling living with your estranged wife.
I'm not sure why you both suddenly decided to grow a conscience after 12 years but I am sure that without your mistress to distract you, your marriage will be suffocating.
If you genuinely do not love your wife you will start to resent her and treat her badly.
It will be miserable for you both.
My advice is, you have nothing left to lose. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into your marriage. Take a holiday somewhere exotic and authentic where you will discover something new together. Try to make her smile. Win back her trust. Woo her. Spend quality time with her. It will feel strange for you both at first. But love breeds love. It's a long road but it's better than your current path.
You are going to be a lonely old man who is bitter about life if you do not accept your choices and make the most of them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): Being in this situation myself... I am much younger than my married boyfriend... and we have been together for over a year now, I can empathize. Not many people will empathize or understand. But I DO. I hope my advice is printed because I do feel it will help you coming from the other woman in the same situation.When you start an affair, you aren't really thinking about long term. It starts because you are seeking some sort of escape. Trying to feel good about yourself again. Clearly you have lost the connection to your spouse as so often is the case in long term relationships and marriages. Then along comes an attractive younger woman who makes you feel ALIVE... special.... who listens to you, pays attention to you, who worships the ground you walk on...who makes life fun and amazing once again. Because up until that point, you were dying inside. You were reaching out for her and she reached back. This is a pull that is impossible to resist for a man who is ripe for her advances.You can laugh with her in ways you cannot laugh with your wife. You talk to her about things you cannot talk to your wife about. You open up to her like you have never opened up to your wife. She and your wife may be two totally different people. The times you share with your wife pale in comparison. Some of it is due to the fact you have checked out of your marriage and have put all your efforts into this other woman. She is fun. She is the road not taken. Your wife has stuck by you. A proven commodity. A safe investment. You are choosing safe over a risk. Comfort over passion. Fear over taking a leap of faith.An affair can be an addiction because it takes away reality. You are getting a high from how the other person makes you feel and you need to return to that person over and over to keep getting that fix. You and your girlfriend share all the good things in a relationship without the mundane, boring and challenging issues that affect a husband wife in real life. So it becomes more intense, more romanticized, and even sadder and more heartbreaking when it does not last. Because that kind of love although real is also a beautiful fantasy. One which is now gone. No longer a crutch for you. Leaving you once again dead and empty as when you first sought her out. So now you are suffering from the painful, debilitating and soul destroying withdrawal that inevitably follows giving up a very powerful drug... addiction.Ideally you needed to leave both your spouses if you really loved each other. Going on 12 years might as well have been a relationship. But you chose the path of least resistance, both of you. Because it would have been too difficult to uproot your lives as you knew them for one another. Would it have been worth it? Was she worth the gamble? I guess you will never know. You are now back with old faithful. Your wife who thankfully is oblivious. And you have an opportunity to start over and put the other woman behind you. If you choose to. Do you LOVE the other woman? I believe after 12 years it is possible you do love her. You have options. Work with your wife and try to build back your marriage. But she will only be a consolation prize, don't you think? Because your other relationship ended? And do you not think that eventually you will find another woman to start an affair with? To once again feel that magic rush you have been missing? Leave your wife and start up on your own. Find yourself again because your marriage was already over... from the moment you began your affair and continued it for 12 years. Or you can seek out your girlfriend. Your lost love. Clearly your heart still belongs to her. Hope it is not too late. See if she will leave her marriage for you and you must be prepared to do the same.How do you know it was the RIGHT thing to leave your girlfriend? If you loved each other, why would it be right to break apart? Because you are both obligated to stay in respective marriages that were no longer working? Marriages should not be convenient or exercises in endurance. Sometimes love happens.... and it happens with somebody other than your husband or wife. Fear holds so many back from what they are really feeling. Fear of financial loss. Fear of being judged. Fear of not having that family unit intact. Fear. Fear. Fear. At the end of the day, so many settle. For less. For less than what they want and deserve. For the sake of appearances. For the sake of comfort. Security. Well I say life is a great adventure. And it does not last long. I say follow your heart. Live on your terms. Look inside your own heart and do what makes you happy. At all costs. Make the decision and stick with it. Wavering back and forth will never solve anything. You will forever be in limbo and wondering what if?Your choices. Stay with your marriage but only if you really feel it can be salvaged and you will not at some point begin another affair. Leave your marriage and start over on your own. Or seek out your girlfriend. Have a real heart to heart... and if on the same page, both of you should leave your marriages to be together.Hope I have helped in some way.I am sorry you are suffering so terribly. I empathize and I understand. There is no greater pain. Hugs to you. No judgment.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're 100% correct.
I wasn't looking for sympathy but rather, thoughs and ideas on dealing with sadness. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 October 2014):
You can move on by focusing on your wife and repairing your marriage. You've been having an affair, and therefore you've not been giving your marriage 100%. Try to reignite that spark and see if you can fix whatever lead you to cheat in the first place (not that there is any excuse that can justify it). If it's not fixable, then you can leave and move on to someone that you really do love.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): Any sympathy I do have goes to your wife whose life has been a lie.
I hope you are not moping about in your marital home.
If you are not satisfied without your wife then leave or else work on your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 October 2014):
Try and be happy in knowing that you both have DONE THE RIGHT THING in ending the affair and that no one has got hurt.This will not be easy but well worth the effort.Would you consider joining some groups, starting a new interest,Time will sort the sadness,but give it a little time and you will be able to move on.Ending an affair is always dificult and a lesson in the learning. Good luck NORA B.
...............................
|
