A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: So, there's a lot of history here and i feel like all the details are important so forgive this very long story/question. This girl [I'll call her X] and I have been messing around since we were teenagers. We're now in our 30s. We were a couple for about 2 years maybe 15 years ago. I was the worst boyfriend and left her 3 different times, the last time was for my current wife [I'll call her Y]. Because i was an immature 20-year-old boy, I felt like as long as i could keep X jealous or just out of reach of my true affection then basically i could keep her. If i just gave in and showed how much i really cared then she would leave me. At least that's how my mind worked at the time. We have kept in contact all these years as friends. She has always told me that she was madly in love with me and i was her first love, etc. I always knew i made a mistake by leaving X for the woman i'm with now [Y] but i wanted to try and make it work because i wanted to be a good husband, my wife an i have children and i just accepted that i had made a mistake and moved on with life. For whatever reason, call it a mid-life crisis, in the last month or so i have been overwhelmed with the idea that i let X go. I realized that she was the best thing to have ever happened to me. No one else has ever cared for me the she had, i've never connected with anyone the way i do with her - both on an emotional level and as far as our common interests. We make each other laugh, we read the same books, like the same music, have the same politics, enjoy the same kinds of social events, etc. X and I have just about everything in common, Y and I have NothinG in common. Not to mention that the sex with X was amazing. To the point that i have kept my actual memories of us together as my fantasies in my head for the last 15 years. So, I decided that i'm tired of wasting my life regretting the fact that i threw away the one person i feel i was truly meant for, or at least would be happy with. There will never be another X. So i called her up like i do sometimes just to chat, except this time i asked if we could hang out and she said "Oh great, then you'll be able to meet my husband. He's just like you, you guys would get along great." I had to tell her that i wanted to just see her alone which changed the mood of the phone call dramatically. So we talked for a while and before i even mentioned anything, she confessed that she had fantasized about our time together for the last 15 years too. She made it clear that we both still felt the same way about each other. We started talking about the good days, which turned into a phone sex session. From there we started sexting and sending dirty pictures and phone sex regularly. This whole time she is telling me that she's happily married and will not leave her husband. I say "fine, we can just have fun continuing doing whatever this is that we're doing". One day, we met in a public place and the old familiar feelings were there between both of us. We ended up just like no time had passed at all, except we were in public so we never actually had sex. But it was more than just sexual. I know how she used to look at me and act when we were young and in love and everything was exactly the same. However, before we say goodbye she started crying and saying that she felt guilty. She has said that she wants to meet me in person again and she thinks about me all day, every day but, she won't lie to her husband about where she's going so she doesn't want to meet me too often because her husband would know something was up but she won't lie about being somewhere else either. Ok, she constantly says things like, "I've been thinking about you all day." "I can't wait to see you again." "I miss you." "i'm obsessing over you. i'm afraid you changed your mind about us. I've had 3 sexual fantasies about you today." etc. But whenever i say anything even remotely romantic or 'mushy' or about my deeper feelings for her like, " I miss you. I don't want you to disappear. I've been thinking about you non-stop", etc. - you know, pretty much the exact same things she says to me every day - then she gets all quiet and weird and says things like "this is a bad idea. we shouldn't be talking. I'm not going to leave my family for you. I love my life now. this was a mistake to start this with you." But then we end the call with phone sex and her saying something sweet to pull at my heart strings. So i guess my question is: WTF? I have no idea what to do or how to feel or the best way to handle this situation. What should i do? Nothing? Forget all about X? Just chill? None of the above? This hurts so bad. I really and truly love X and my life has sucked for the last 15 years without her and i can't imagine life without her in it in some capacity.And now that we've both confessed our feelings for each other, we can't be friends anymore. And i can't even tell her that, although she already knows exactly how i feel and she assumes i want her to leave her husband for me so i wouldn't even try to say that out loud because undoubtedly her reaction would be to just end this ... thing we have together, whatever it is. As far as my own wife and I are concerned, our marriage has really been over for years and we've not had sex for probably 2 years, there is not even any kisses or 'snuggling' or any kind of affection between us. We're barely in the same room together. We're essentially room mates now who also happen to have children together. So, while it would still be complicated and painful if myself and Y split up, it's going to happen someday. I think that's obvious to both of us. That makes things slightly less complicated on my side. And i really don't think X cares about Y's feelings in the slightest anyway since Y is the girl i left her for all those years ago. I feel like i should also mention that before i left X for Y, i had asked X to marry me and she turned me down. I hope someone out there has some words that can help me because every day i feel like my heart is being ripped out and danced on by extremely attractive bi-pedal porcupines. I don't think i've ever felt quite like this before in my life. Certainly never been in this same situation before. All i know is that since i started talking with X again, this time has been simultaneously the most joyful, happy, romantic, exciting, crushing, depressing, life-ending, life-ruining, terrifying, embarrassing, humiliating, painful, stressful and fun time of my entire life. Please help! Thank you in advance to anyone out there with something useful/helpful/comforting/soothing to add. May happiness find you, everybody.
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crush, immature, jealous, phone sex, roommate, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 October 2020):
You need to either fix your relationship or move on, and you need to do the right thing and leave X alone. She's made it clear that you and her are not happening in want meaningful way, only in a destructive one.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Either find a new one or put some effort into your marriage.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 October 2020):
 I really didn't want to answer this question because you, The OP, is a totally selfish twat who lives in La-la land.
But then I thought, maybe you need a little "outsiders view" to make you see reality. Maybe you won't, who knows? Here is a wake up call, OP. Take it or not.
I'll start at the end of your post.
You write: "And i really don't think X cares about Y's feelings in the slightest anyway since Y is the girl i left her for"
Does it matter what X think of Y? No, not at all. She is NO ONE to her.
But she IS your wife.
YOU are the one who REALLY don't give a single shit about her, YOU are punishing her for not being X. And you have for the entire marriage! How unfair! You even had kids with her, even though, as you say, you have nothing in common, you just dated her to make X jealous. So you USED Y, and you still are. Wow, you must be proud of yourself!
You think the reason there is no sex is all Y's fault? You don't think she knows you have pulled away into your little X fantasy World? That you guard you phone like a dragon on a horde of gold? That you run around with a stupid smile on your face when you have had a good interaction with X? You really think she is clueless? One can HOPE so for her sake, but my guess is you pulled away first and now she is pulling away too. Because she knows something is up.
And that is what it is. A Fantasy. 15 years ago X was a different person, so were you, though.... You do still sound like an immature 20 year old.
You are unhappy in your marriage so you reached out to X hoping to rekindle those "loving feelings" and guess what? She wasn't thinking of you until you stirred the hornets nest. She had married and is happy. Or was, until you came back to play with her emotions AGAIN.
You write: "So, I decided that i'm tired of wasting my life regretting the fact that i threw away the one person i feel i was truly meant for, or at least would be happy with."
No you didn't. You were bored and unhappy and instead of FIXING what is wrong in your marriage or ending it... you then reached out to X. The one you have been THROWING away is Y. And you have KIDS with that one. You throw her away EVERY DAY because she isn't X.
I can ALMOST guarantee that IF she leaves her husband and you leave your wife, you two will be UTTERLY miserable together. Because the "thing" you have is based on fantasy, lies, deceit and things from 15 years ago. It's all downhill from back then.
80% of people who CHEATS on their partner and then get with the person they cheated with, do no last. (at least that is the stats for those who marry, I'm betting those who don't marry has a WAY higher failure rate).
IF you are this unhappy in your marriage, you need to decide WHAT can be done. Sitting waiting for Y to divorce you, or for X to leave HER husband, is a COWARDS way out.
That is what you are. A selfish coward. Not a nice thought, is it?
Is your marriage with Y salvageable? If not, SET her free. And yourself as well. What do you think you are teaching your kids by staying and NOT giving a single shit about their mother? You think they don't know? Don't notice? Kid's are sensitive to things going on in the house even if they don't know the full details. Trust me on that one.
You gave a VOW to your wife, and she one to you. At least be HONEST with this woman.
And then there is X. Who isn't a good person either. She is also a selfish twat, like you. She knows the contact with you is NOT a good thing for her marriage. But she gets something out of it. A Huge Ego boost. And that.... is more important to HER than her marriage. Otherwise she would have blocked you and cut you off the first time YOU were inappropriate.
She doesn't WANT you to say mushy things, because this is a game to her. Like the people who play games like Second life where they have a husband/wife who is NOT their husband/wife in reality but they "roleplay" as they call their cheating. YOU are a game to her.
You have put X up on this pedestal of the "One who got away" and the "The perfect woman for me". But she really isn't. She is fantasy. She is OH so amazing because you don't REALLY know her deep down anymore, you don't live with her. You don't deal with her when she is hormonal or in a bad mood. You don't argue with her. You don't watch her be fake to her hubby.
HOW would you feel, if you two got together and she was doing ALL these things BEHIND your back with another man?
Is that what a good person would do? No. You know this, you just don't care either because YOU get something out of this. You get some drama and excitement back in your life.
I will almost compare your "thing" with X as drugs. We all know they are good for you. They can be hard to quit. And while they can give you an incredible high they also give you an incredible low. Except for one thing, you CAN quit what you are doing with X by MANNING you and telling her, :" We need to stop, I should NEVER have reached out to you and messed with your life" and then you BLOCK her from EVERYTHING, Delete her number. Get a new phone number, And if need be work towards a reconciliation or divorce with your wife. Poor Y deserve a man who can LOVE her for her. Who WANTS to be with her.
Time to shit or get off the pot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2020): Your life is in a bit of a rut and you are enjoying the adrenaline rush at the thought of an affair with your married friend.The whole idea of it makes you feel young and carefree again.But your friend has been quite honest about not wanting to cheat on her husband or end her marriage.You are failing to listen to her and are trying to push her further along a path she doesn't want so that you can relive the excitement of your youth.Break this coercive telephone sex off.Remember you are a married man and a dad.Try to act your age.Or at least try to see that you are making a train wreck out of two marriages.You see you have wrapped your glorious past into such a pretty package that you are now over-investing in your fantasies.The reality would be so different.Everyday life would change things.Your wife is probably aware that you are at least having an emotional affair and she is protecting herself by becoming increasingly remote.You could actually move out while you try to sort yourself out but I suspect it is a whole lot more comfortable to be at home with your wife and kids and home comforts.If you saw your future life ahead as living in a lonely bedsit, desperate for company, eating baked beans out of a can with a fork, I think you would be less likely to want to destroy your marriage through neglect.If you could stop building castles in the air around the one that got away, then I suspect you might start to see how much you already have and how hard you worked to achieve it.Then you might be less willing to throw it all away for a quick thrill of secret meetings and no contact telephone sex.
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