| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I am really struggling. It is a heart vs mind battle. My heart loves my boyfriend. My mind is telling me he isn't right for me. We had an affair and now he is saying he loves me and sees a future with me. He has told his wife about our relationship. I was perfectly fine having an affair with him. We both met mutual needs. I am newly divorced (my marriage was on the rocks before I met him) and was not ready for anything serious. Now here he is proclaiming his undying love for me. And swearing his allegiance and loyalty to me until his dying breath. What started out as an exciting, sexually fulfilling relationship is now changing course. I was always conflicted on him leaving his wife for me. On one hand, I liked the idea of a real life relationship and having more time with him. But on the other hand, I was not sure the magic would last in an everyday setting or that trust issues would doom the relationship anyway. And maybe we would become mundane and mundane is not what I want in a relationship. Add to that, the fact he is a proven cheater. And I am not sure I want to win that prize. I was good with him as long as I did not have to invest in him as a life partner. But now that I see this relationship possibly progressing, I feel like a man like that is not worth my investment. That he was great in an affair relationship but not somebody I could ever feel secure with as a life partner. So, now what? I have to choose to leave him or believe that things will work out with a cheater? Any advice? I read here with another mistress post that she won a prize in winning a cheater and someone else said careful what you wish for. I think these all do apply. But I am stuck. Are my only two options to either leave and find someone else for a long term relationship or do I trust this guy that he won't be finding other mistresses along the way? I know it sounds hypocritical but I don't want to be part of a harem. If he is serious about leaving a marriage, then he should be serious about settling down with me rather than prowling around. I would rather not have him at all than to have him cheat on me too. So, he should be honest with me about his intentions. But I don't trust him to be honest about his intentions. My concerns are that he will promote me to the wife position while still having flings on the side. I fear that is what he has done to me even while I was his mistress and just lied about it. I feel I was his main mistress but he dabbled with others when he had opportunity. What a mess. I should feel happy his wife knows. But I am not. I am left feeling like everything has changed. I do not feel like I did during the affair. The fun and excitement and sexual pull is fading out to feelings of insecurity, paranoia, panic, anxiety, worry, stress, fear etc. I hope my story will help other women out there. We are taken away by the tidal wave of the affair while it is happening but once it settles and you see that on the horizon you may actually win this man, you start to ask yourself if this is the way you really wanted your story to end? Because none of us is thinking about the ending or what will happen once the affair runs its course. That is where the true pain lies. And honestly, it makes you feel miserable and worthless to think you are with someone who you cannot change, not matter how much you love him or invest yourself in him. He hurt his wife to be with you. He will hurt you to be with someone else. I guess he had no conscience when he was with me and still married to her. So, he would have no conscience being with me, and hurting me behind my back. He hurt his wife. Why would he or could he not hurt me?So, do I gamble this relationship away on his past behavior? And say he is not the kind of a man I want as a life partner? Or do I give him a chance? Should I believe and trust a man like this? Can they change? Can they be honest? Can they be loyal? And are they capable of true love and a mature, committed relationship with one person? Without ever needing that high or fix again?
View related questions:
affair, divorce, mistress Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2021): Oh, BTW! Did I getaway with sleeping with a married-person?
Nope! Not knowing didn't absolve me; I didn't bother to determine whether that person was married. I know better.
I know I was forgiven by the Lord; but later, I met someone else. I was dumped and blindsided by someone I thought loved me. I was heartbroken, but I fully recovered. Subsequently, I found the true love of Jesus; and received full restoration! I've moved on from all that heartache. Now I help others, as part of my redemption and atonement.
I only wish you well; and that eventually you will find true-love. God's peace be with you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2021): P.S.
Part of the payback and retribution owed to his wife will be your paranoia and inability to ever trust him. Even if you choose to give him up; you can't escape the justice due the woman you've betrayed. God in heaven got an eye-full!
His dose of payback will come in the form of financial-losses; and all he will lose in his divorce. He has now been exposed for what he is; and his losses will be far greater than what he has gained for his betrayal of his marriage. You are just as capable of cheating on him, as he is on you! You're perfect for each-other! Neither of you can really fully trust the other!
I'll pray that his wife finds her peace and justice; and that he learns a great lesson from his philandering. Even he deserves forgiveness and mercy; but we all have to pay for our sins. Now, and in the hereafter. Unless we sincerely pray for forgiveness; and do our best not to repeat what we did wrong. God is merciful and forgives; but He also seeks justice for the innocent.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2021): My words may seem harsh. Your intent was to shock us, and provoke some responses. That isn't my reaction. Though, I am astonished at the audacity and unmitigated gall. I want to give you some good down-to-earth advice. You're human, just like the rest of us. You have feelings. I'm not a hypocrite, we all make mistakes. I'm casting no stones, I once "unknowingly" slept with a married-person. I begged God for His forgiveness; after completely and permanently distancing myself from that person! I suggest that you do the same.
[" What started out as an exciting, sexually fulfilling relationship is now changing course."]
In all your apathy, entitlement, conceit, and arrogance. Did you even for once consider you were participating in the destruction of a marriage? Were you ever taught at anytime over the 30+ years of your life, that intentionally sleeping (fornicating, committing adultery) with married-men is immoral and wrong? It reflects just as badly on your character as it does on his!
You hold him solely-responsible, and act as if you bear no blame or fault in the affair.
Girlfriend, that's so rich! In your mind, it was just having some fun. Now think of how it will hurt his wife. Place your apathetic-self in her shoes; and if humanly possible, consider the hurt, humiliation, and pain that she feels. Exactly the kind of suffering you're claiming you wouldn't want to subject yourself to!!! Better her than you! Right?!! WRONG!!!
Consider the fact that you've willfully and egregiously contributed to the pain and anguish she now suffers. So casually, and totally indifferent! How utterly cavalier of the both of you!!!
If you have no conscience, then maybe my words mean nothing. I hope I can help you understand something; if these words can even slightly penetrate your heart of stone. You're not some frivolous 20-something year-old; out there sowing her wild oats with single-men! You're mature and experienced. You know exactly what you're doing! You're bragging about it, and you're unremorseful to-boot! That's what makes this so pitiful, as far as his wife is concerned. For your sake, let's hope she's not the vengeful psychotic-type; who'll hunt you down! These aren't the times to be messing with people's heads, kiddo! You're so nonchalant and sure of yourself.
["Add to that, the fact he is a proven cheater."]
Point one finger, three point back! You're a cheater too! Takes one to know one, in this case!
["That is where the true pain lies. And honestly, it makes you feel miserable and worthless to think you are with someone who you cannot change, not matter how much you love him or invest yourself in him. He hurt his wife to be with you."]
Can you change?
You hurt his wife merely for sport. The thrill you got out of the affair was having sex with her husband behind her back. Enjoying the very notion she was totally oblivious to the fact that another woman was sleeping with her husband; and this gave you toxic pleasure. Yet you wouldn't want any man to do that to you? I beg your haughty pardon, my dear; but some guy investing his love and trust in you would be getting exactly what you wouldn't pay a wooden nickel for!
Now let this sink in. He wasn't the only one who hurt his wife. You did too!!! As life will have it, what goes around comes around! You're willfully participatory in the destruction of a marriage, and inflicting pain on another woman. She did nothing to you, she took nothing from you.
My style is blunt, but not without substance and good intentions. I'm not trashing you, I'm appealing to your conscience. You don't seem to understand the impact and magnitude of your own actions. You only care about yourself. I will surely say a prayer on your behalf. Maybe it just hasn't dawned on you yet. I hope we've all gotten our points across. Hurting your feelings isn't my point, but softening your heart is!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (9 May 2021):
 I find it difficult to imagine that he just told his wife about your affair without your prior knowledge or agreement. Surely he must have discussed the future with you before burning his bridges with his wife? (Men rarely dump a wife without another dead cert.) THAT would have been the time to tell him you did not see a future with him. THAT would have been the time to tell him to go back to his wife and to forget about your affair. THAT would have been the time to end contact and walk away. I can't help wondering what your motives were in allowing him to tell his wife about you while never really wanting a proper relationship with him. This makes you come across as callous and possibly even vindictive. It sounds like you have some sort of an "agenda" here, something you haven't mentioned in your post.
As to whether he will cheat on you like he did on his wife, considering you already suspect he has been running multiple mistresses while seeing you, what does your gut instinct tell you about the chances of him staying faithful? I know what MY gut instinct tells me, purely based on the contents of your post.
There is nothing wrong with just wanting some casual fun, as long as you are honest about it. I am sure there are plenty of single men out there who would be more than happy to oblige.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 May 2021):
 So you were happy enough with breaking up a marriage but not content with having to make a relationship out of it?
So why in the world didn't you just FUCK around with a single man? If you just wanted some rebound sex and companionship?
How callous are you?!
Tell him now, that you don't want to be in a real relationship with him. That you are content with being the side chick. You don't WANT the responsibility and invest the work into a future with him.
Just be honest... IF you can.
"The fun and excitement and sexual pull is fading out to feelings of insecurity, paranoia, panic, anxiety, worry, stress, fear etc."
Well, now you share that in common with his wife - congratulations!
If you don't want anything serious, THEN DATE and MESS around with SINGLE men who are looking for the same no strings attached "fun" - plenty of those out there.
Stay away from married men. Because there IS no real future there for you, for them OR their family - just a lot of hurt all around.
You are OLD enough to understand that YOUR actions affect more than just you. He wasn't the only one cheating on his wife - YOU made that possible. Sure, he is a PIECE of shit husband, human, and man... but don't think you are someone innocent in all that mess.
Think before you jump into things.
We can't guess whether he will NEVER cheat on you. We don't know him. Or you. Or his wife. You know what he is capable of. What he did to his wife. And it is UNREALISTIC to think he will somehow treat you better in the long run. Eventually... he will also get bored with you and then what?
If I were in your shoes I'd end it with him and wish him well and go totally no contact. And... only date single guys after this fiasco.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (9 May 2021):
 This is the downside to starting a new relationship based on mistrust and lies.
You are having trust issues even before you have even got together properly.
The excitement you had, the sneaking around, the thrill's will all be over once you get together with him, and it will be normal every day life. Something tells me from your post that the excitement and the thrill's is what you are actually looking for, and a return to boring everyday life is something that you don't want.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship will never take off, and invarible head towards a downward spiral.
So many post's come through DC regarding affairs, and guys that have left their wives for their mistress, and they all boil down to the same thing, which is lack of trust.
He was cheating on his wife with you, so it is a strong chance that if he gets settled with you his eyes may start wondering again. Then you will be at home feeling sad, and having a pretty good idea of how his poor wife felt while he was cheating on her.
I know that you are not innocent in all of this as you knew he was married, there is no good to ever come from cheating. It may be fun at the time, but always people get hurt, and the outcome is always bad.
You are never going to trust him, you are always going to be looking over your shoulder, nervous every time his phone goes off, or works late at the office. This is the outcome of a relationship based on deceit
Is this the life you want for yourself.
I would cut him loose sooner rather than later before you get to involved with him.
You will be saving yourself a lot a future heartache if you do.
...............................
|
