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I love someone more than my boyfriend. And I cheated on him with the other person.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 15 November 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

So i recently cheated on my boyfriend. This is actually quite a long story but I’ll try to sum it up as much as possible. Early this summer I started talking to this guy, let’s call him James, we’ll james and I hit it off. He was perfect beyond anything I’d ever imagined. We talked and talked and talked. We have talked all day everyday since the beginning of summer. Up to this day we haven’t skipped a beat. I thought he liked me back but eventually he told me he didn’t know if he wanted a relationship or not. I was hurt of course but I was going to keep trying. Well nothing was really working so I just considered us to be friends. Well eventually I met another guy, let’s call him Dennis, Dennis and I also hit it off. He wasn’t as incredible as I thought James was but cute nonetheless. James and i still talked everyday but Dennis and I were now talking one thing led to another and Dennis asked me out. I said yes. Didn’t think much of it honestly. But then eventually James told me he loved me. I realized that I love him too. God. I am actually so in love with him. But I still love Dennis. Well. James and I recently hung out and again one thing led to another and I cheated on Dennis. Yet I don’t feel bad.

I still love Dennis. But I think I love James more. I also don’t feel bad for cheating. What do I do? Do I break up with Dennis even if I love him? Why don’t I feel bad?? Does this make me a bad person?? Clearly I have a lot of questions so all the help would be appreciated. Thank you.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (15 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYes break up with your boyfriend. It is never okay to cheat on someone. It could ruin someone as a person and they could live the rest off their lives with no confidence and no trust. It doesn't make you a bad person that you don't feel guilty, but it is probably more like you are still young and might not be ready for a committed relationship.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 November 2017):

Now breakup with your boyfriend.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntBreak up with Dennis. It's not fair to him that you are cheating on him with someone else.

Doesn't MATTER that you don't feel guilty you are STILL doing something you shouldn't be doing to a partner.

LEARN from this. Life doesn't just revolve around you. And cheating is NEVER OK regardless of how you FEEL about your actions. I bet you that if James started to cheat on YOU and you found out you wouldn't like that ONE bit. YOUR feelings would be hurt. So DO have an OUNCE of compassion for whomever you date. Or don't date at all.

Don't be a "flitterbug" - someone who has to "sample" all the guy/girls who seem attractive. I get that at your age being faithful may not seem like a big deal, but as you get older, it will.

Just end it with Dennis. That way you can pursue James without being a cheater. You and Dennis haven't dated that long so breaking up now is better before he invests more emotions and feelings into the relationship.

ALWAYS end ONE relationship before jumping into ANYTHING with another guy. It's a GOOD rule to go by. It's respectful of YOURSELF, Dennis AND James. And it's a DECENT way to behave. While being a decent person doesn't affect you as much now, again... it will later in life. The whole " Treat others how YOU would like to be treated", it's a good rule because it makes us ALL realize that actions (out actions) have consequences.

You might write that you saw James ONLY as a friend, but don't lie to yourself. After all, you DID write:

"I thought he liked me back but eventually he told me he didn’t know if he wanted a relationship or not. I was hurt of course but I was going to keep trying."

I hope for your sake that you won't ever get cheated on. Because it sucks. It hurts. And it's 100% avoidable.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (13 November 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntYou break up with Dennis because this isn't just about you- Dennis needs to find the person that wants to be with him as much as you want to be with James.. stay with Dennis and you're not giving him the opportunity to find the love of HIS life.. you wouldn't want to be second best to James? Well it's not fair to keep Dennis in the dark as your second best.

Look, you cheated on Dennis. That's not OK and why would he want to be with someone who cheats on him for the guy she REALLY wants.. would you?? You're not a bad person but you just need to start doing the right thing by Dennis- "do unto others etc"

Remember cheating is never OK.. if you REALLY want someone else/or to have no-strings fun you break up with someone. It means you're not ready to settle/ not meant to be with THAT person. TBH if you weren't so young, your actions would be a lot more immoral- you're still young, reckless to new relationships

You would choose James in a heartbeat.. there's your answer. Do justice to yourself and Dennis

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2017):

Thank you so much for the help. I think I want to be with James. But how do I break up with Dennis?

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A female reader, AskCatherine  +, writes (13 November 2017):

You arent a bad person, maybe your just being pulled two sides. The best thing you can listen to right now is your heart (o know it sounds cliche) but its true. Think about who you are more in love with, more attracted too, more happier with. Whoever you feel more for, thats who you are meant to be with. Nobody can tell you, you should pick dennis or james. Hope it helps.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (13 November 2017):

Denizen agony auntPeople get into this tangle all the time. It is best to keep things simple. Date one guy at a time. Let the other one go - as gently as possible. Don't ask me how to decide. The old Chinese wisdom is to choose the lighter happiness. Don't keep people hanging on. It's cruel in the end.

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