A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I am having a bit of a problem at the moment. I have been with my partner for just over 5 years and we have been extremely happy. We are best friends and have been since the start.Very recently I have started developing feelings for a colleague. I still absolutely love my partner and I really don't want to hurt him but at the moment I'm in a lot of pain myself because I'm beating myself up about my own feelings.The colleague doesn't really matter because I would never cheat on my partner and I don't care if the feeling is mutual. However I still can't get over the guilt of even having these strong feelings for somebody else. I'm worried that this means I don't love my partner as much as I thought I did. We have also been having some sexual issues. He is never in the mood for sex and quite often rejects my advances. I can't figure out if there's something wrong with our relationship and that's what has made me have feelings elsewhere or if I am creating issues between me and my partner because I feel guilty about my feelings for someone else.Just thinking about breaking up with my partner makes me go into meltdown but I am also constantly thinking about this other person who I know doesn't really mean anything in the grand scheme of things.I am really confused and it's affecting my health as I can't eat or sleep properly. I don't know whether to come completely clean with my partner about everything but I really really don't want to hurt him and I know this will hurt him. We are absolutely the best of friends and I can't even bear the thought of breaking his heart.
View related questions:
best friend, in the mood Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): You are looking for an escape from your current partner and current problems with somebody new. It is easy to get caught up in the fantasy and run with it when you are experiencing problems. We live in a world where everything is disposable. Can be replaced. Well, anybody who is brand new is going to be appealing because you project in your own mind that this person is a saving grace. Perfect. They are the answer to all your problems. They will take your problems away. This is never the case. They will just distract you from your problems, which will be there waiting for the duration of the dalliance. The new person is not even who you think they are. They are who you want them to be. Once you get to know them, they will have warts and imperfections and things you cannot stand about them too. The key to being in a relationship is working through problems because you have made a commitment to that person. There will always be somebody better waiting in the wings but we have committed to our partners. Good and bad. Flaws and all. The fantasy stage does not last. No long term relationship cannot sustain the honeymoon phase forever. This is where true love comes into the picture. A deeper connection which surpasses the superficial and temporary infatuation phase of the beginning.Do you love your partner? Are you willing to have an honest talk with him about your needs and what you are unhappy about? You need to give him a chance to improve things before you run off into the sunset with someone else. It is only fair to your partner. How do you think you would feel if he was obsessing about another woman and decided to have sex with her with complete disregard for your heart and feelings?You need to fix what is broken and make the decision that you WANT to fix it. This requires honest communication. Even if it hurts. If you feel you have lost your connection with your partner, and feel you can never regain the sexual connection, then leave. But I would be honest with him first. It does seem like you do love him. So, work with him. Do what needs to be done. All relationships go through rough patches but when two people love each other, they can be overcome with understanding, compromise and mutual respect. The answer is not in someone new. In fact, what often happens is when the shine wears off the new person, and it happens quite quickly, you realize what you lost. And that it just wasn't worth it. There is a reason you have been with your partner for so long. So, try to work it out. The lack of sex makes anyone else seem more appealing! It's true! You are needing sex. Try to connect that way again. Once you are having sex with your partner again regularly, thoughts of this guy will soon fade.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 January 2017):
Simple example...
If you have a car and it has a flat tire...that is a problem...as you cannot get around. Driving on a flat tire will cause even more problems. So how do you fix this issue???
Do you get the tire repaired and all is good...or do you leave the car where it is, and get a new car? Which is more logical??
Consider your relationship as a car with a flat tire. You have a problem that needs to be fixed. Getting another car and not fixing the problem...well...sooner or later that other car will also have it's own problems.
Men love sex...so, why is your man rejecting you? Is he bored with your sex life? Has your sex life become routine...same thing every time? Have you yourself change ever since you started having feelings for someone else? Maybe he sense there is something going on.
You have an issue that needs to be looked after, since you say you love your partner very much. So what do you think is best...leaving the car with the flat tire for a new car? Or repairing the car you know and love?
If you are the reason why your partner now does not want sex, and you don't fix it, but go to someone new. All of a sudden the same thing happens with the new guy...he starts rejecting you. What was the point of leaving?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 January 2017):
 DO NOT - repeat NOT - tell your partner! You are just looking to offload your guilt onto him but you will hurt him by doing this.
You have done nothing wrong. Being in a relationship does not stop us feeling attraction towards others. However, it SHOULD stop us doing anything about it. You have done nothing about it. Try distancing yourself from this colleague as much as possible so that you can concentrate all your energies on your partner.
You two need to sit down and discuss why his sex drive has dipped. Do you feel unloved because he rejects you? Do you actually NEED sex to make you feel loved? Does he cuddle and kiss you and make you feel loved? If sex is a problem for him at the moment (could be loads of reasons for this), ask for cuddles when you feel the need for intimacy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2017): Well, I was wondering, does your partner suspect you have a crush on someone else? If so, maybe his dwindling desire for sex is really just his hurt feelings as he knows you have been having a flirtation with someone else?
If he does NOT suspect, however, then his lack of sexual desire is more troubling. It could actually be that he, too is developing feelings outside the relationship and thus slowly losing desire for you. Has he always had less libido than you? Or is this a new development?
As for your crush, as Aunt Honesty says, that really does happen to most people in relationships at some point or another. The key is to make sure you are on strong grounds with your boyfriend, especially sorting out the sexual issues, and then you won't be tempted to cheat (and I know you say you wouldn't anyway). Don't beat yourself up over something innocent.
You do need to have a talk with him about why he is losing interest in sex. I would strongly advise you against bringing up your crush at this point, because this talk is a very sensitive issue for men and he will feel that you are belittling him and comparing if you bring up these two seperate issues at the same time. Don't make him feel compared. Just be open and say "hey, sometimes it hurts me when you reject my sexual advances, are you losing your attraction for me? I just want to try and understand, I know we've been together a while..." See what he says, try to stay calm throughout the talk and evaluate later.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 Shall I tell you a secret? Even people in relationships develop crushes on other people, it doesn't mean you love your partner any less, it just means you have an attraction to another person. It is fine as long as you don't act on it, so try and stop putting so much pressure on yourself honey.
As for the lack off sex. Well you need to both sit down and talk. Is he stressed? Depressed? Tired? Busy? Over worked? You both need to work at this together because off course intimacy is important in a relationship.
...............................
|
