A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:DO NOT JUDGEI am female, 34 years..i am married to a man-boy kinda of husband (45 years) who has no clue how to raise children..we have two..one mine and the first one is his...his past time is drinking....but he come through with finances...Previously my husband was reluctant to have another baby, however much i tried to ask...and at one point i was about to get pregnant without his knowledge..it did not work...I have been having an affair...with some one younger but not financially stable and i dont regret it.The change in attitude is obvious and my husband feels threatened and thinks if we have another baby ..it help us realign our priorities..I dont think so.i want a baby with my lover ....because i love him...his better with children...and doesn't fear responsibilities... and i am pretty independent and fairly financially okay..so i can raise my children...without any assistance from any of the two..in anycase i have been taking care of the two that i have alone anyway....Who should i do..all of them are feeling broody at the same time....Dont judge or hate please.. for a man its easy...since they are the one who dont carry the child to full term...so they can go and have kids from different women without a lot of drama...i am just saying that i am a woman who thinks like a man....i am just being honest... I also want to give birth ..cause i am 34 years ..time is moving...PS...when i try to leave my husband ...he begs not to..because he doesn't want his children to separate..and he says for him ..he will move out and i stay...The last time he was bit violet because he couldn't get to me emotionally ...so i fear spilling all this to him....it will break his heart
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (28 July 2018):
Yes you want to bring another child into this soap opera. Deep down you know your thinking is screwed up otherwise you wouldn’t be writing here.
Either work on fixing your marriage or end it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 July 2018):
 I think you are being absolutely selfish, irrational and unrealistic here.
Why bring ANOTHER child into a marriage that obviously is a mess? Where you are screwing around with another man?
And what IF this "lover" doesn't WANT to be a father? Or have a kid with you? He obviously isn't ready for anything serious and certainly not a kids...
YOU need to sort out your life and what you really want. Maybe this marriage IS over and then you NEED to face reality and DO something about it. As in, GET a separation and then a divorce. TAKE care of yourself AND your child. If you then down the line find a man who you can SEE a realistic future with THEN you can try and date again.
Your solution to an unhappy marriage and having an affair.. is to HAVE another child?
THAT is so messed up... and YEAH! I'm judging. Because I think you need the truth not some sugarcoated platitudes.
If I an wrong on that... disregard my answer.
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A
female
reader, Bazil  +, writes (27 July 2018):
'DO NOT JUDGE' my advice would be not to be so aggressively rude when asking strangers, who give there time freely, for help.
Your situation at the moment is a mess, why on earth bring child into the mix. If you think like a man, as you say, grow a set and leave your husband. If your husband is violent, you need to make a break from him regardless. If you cant or wont, how is this 'violent' behaviour of his going to affect and keep the baby of some guy your shagging baby? If you choose to do this, I feel willingly and knowingly bringing a child into such unstable chaos is a form of preempted emotional child abuse
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (27 July 2018):
 I need to ask a question out of interest, because I cannot imagine the answer myself. On what planet did you think that involving a lover - and potentially having a child with him - is going to make anything about your situation any better? Do you not think you are in enough of a mess without involving another poor innocent life in it? Or are you really that selfish that YOUR desire to have another child is more important than what that child will be subjected to?
If you had half a brain or an ounce of morals, you would have divorced the allegedly useless husband before moving on to another relationship. I say "allegedly" because there are two sides to every story and I would love to hear your husband's side. You sound very selfish and seem to believe that the only thing which is important is what YOU want. Anyone who would try to trick someone into fathering a child he has no desire for is beyond contempt.
IF your lover agrees to have a child with you, how is that going to work, as you don't appear to be planning to divorce your husband. Are you going to stay in this extremely messy threesome indefinitely? What message is that going to give the kids you think you are raising so well?
You, your husband and your lover are all adults and entitled to make whatever mess you wish of your lives. That is your CHOICE and you will all live with the consequences. However, dragging two - and potentially three - children into this mess is just immoral, irresponsible and downright selfish.
Having children is not a RIGHT, it is a privilege. What effect do you think your immoral and selfish actions are having on your children? Don't for a minute pretend they don't know what is going on. Children are like sponges and take in everything which is going on around them. You are bringing them up to think that, if you have problems in a relationship, you don't fix them or end the relationship but simply screw around behind your partner's back. Wow! You must be so proud of yourself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 July 2018):
 It feels like you want to have another child with another man to spite your husband, for dumping responsibility on you while he goes drinking. So it makes no sense to take care of another when you have this resentment you are feeling. It's true that after you leave your husband, you will be divided. You would only have your child and he would have his. It's different though when you are pregnant. As you get bigger you have limited mobility. Children do not care if you are sick or need time out. Their needs come first. I really hope this is a vent and the plan to get pregnant is not something you would actually go through.
A drinking husband who does not take care of the household and children has lost the title as husband. You, rather than going to counselling or divorcing him, dragged down lower than his level by having an affair. If he knew of your affair and your plans to have another child, the marriage would not be reconciled. It's as if you wanted to jeopardize it all the way so that if your husband tries to change, you won't give him that chance, all because you are afraid of a divorce and the stigma that follows.
The only way to break addiction is through the mercy of God. Whether is sex, alcohol or something seemingly innocent like social media addiction. Your husband uses alcohol to escape from household responsibilities. He really needs to see the effect he has on his children, being an emotionally absent father. He himself said he doesn't want the two kids to separate. But Every time he drinks, or does whatever alone, he's separating from the kids. Being a father is so much more than just sitting around in the same house with the kids. You need to be involved with their activities. He may have grown up in a culture with very limited ideas on what a good father is. Some feel that as long as men come home every night, wives should not complain. He needs to understand that alcohol does not bring him freedom. Rather, it is a bondage, an unending quest for escape.
When you said your lover is better with children? Does he have children on his own? Did he take care of your child?
I feel you still love your husband, but you feel you have run out of patience and do not know how to communicate with him in a way he would understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2018): You've got a lot of nerve. You pull-up here and tell us not to judge. Don't tell me what to say or whom to judge.
I've got only this to say. Get a divorce if you want children with another man. I hope you are not raising a daughter. You are setting the worst example for her. You are bringing children into the world with a messy unstable home-environment. They deserve better than that.
If only life was so do-as-you-choose, that we could marry people; then go out and make babies with any old body we choose. Then not give a dame what the person we're married to thinks. That's cool! Just toss responsibility, decency, and respect for marriage out the window! You're unhappy right now; so I suppose you have a right to do whatever you please. Screw the consequences and how it effects your other kid!
Divorce your husband, and move-in with your lover. Have a bunch of babies and bring them into poverty and an unstable home. I care about kids and what they are subjected to; because of the behavior and actions of irresponsible adults.
So pardon me for being judgy!
I don't want anything bad to happen to you, or your children! Supposing you've bonded with his child as well.
Give this some very serious thought before you proceed. It's one of those things that is better as an idea; than it is when it actually happens in reality. That's when all the other serious stuff you didn't imagine, or neglected to consider, shows-ups!
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (27 July 2018):
 You're really 34? You're acting like a spoilt hormonal teenager with no regard for your EXISTING children and treating your husband like shit.
Your "lover" is not the great paragon of virtue you think he is- he's OK with shagging another man's woman! Would he like it if a man was shagging his gf?? He probably finds it a turn on the fact that you're married, along with your neuroticism.. but THAT's where it ends. He's sitting at the bar joking and laughing about the fact he's got the excitement of having the forbidden fruit- but where is evidence of him looking for a commitment?? He is of BAD character and what kind of example would this hack set to any child you had.. but for him- a young man playing the field, living his life having a child with you would ruin his.. so no it wouldn't be the fairy-tale you imagine it would be .
You're a MOTHER. Start setting a good example to your kids and thinking about something other than YOURSELF for once! What kind of example are you setting really? Your kids are aware of the tension even if they don't fully understand it in the house, but when/ if they're lucid enough to understand they're going to think it's OK to cheat on their partners, take what they want WITHOUT giving a shit about the consequences.. treating people like they're disposable.
Do the adult thing and put your kids first. That means divorcing your husband so they're not living in a negative environment and asking them who they want to live with. Personally like someone mentioned your husband seems interested in their welfare a bit more than you.
But yeah life isn't all the cake you can eat, sometimes you have to make responsible decisions even if you don't want to.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 July 2018):
 I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.
How on earth would having a baby with someone you’re having an affair with help anything? How would you explain that to your family and friends? If you don’t love your husband then leave him. I’m guessing you meant to type ‘violent’ which should give you even more reason to leave. Why bring an innocent baby into the world under such chaotic circumstances? If you’re not planning on announcing that the baby was conceived from an affair, would I be right in assuming that you’d pretend the baby is your husbands? In which case that would be beyond fucked up.
Why would you stay with someone you don’t love and then try to make out like you’re scared of breaking his heart when you’re fucking someone else? Get your head out the clouds. Own up to what you’re doing. Have something about you.
Stop using your husband for his finances. The relationship is over and you should treat it as such by divorcing. Has this other guy even said he wants children? If not then what makes you so sure he will do? When push comes to shove it’s quite rare that the person you’re cheating with wants anything serious. I mean who would trust someone that can shag someone else behind the back of the person they’re supposed to love till death do them part?
You need to get a grip. Leave your husband if you don’t love him, find someone who you actually have a connection with before thinking about having another child. Your attitude to this situation sounds completely rash and nonsensical. THINK about what you are suggesting and how stupid it sounds. If your child came to you with this situation for Advice would you honestly advise them to go for it? Conceive a child in an affair outside a loveless marriage? I sincerely doubt it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (27 July 2018):
 OP says, "for a man its easy...since they are the one who don't carry the child to full term...so they can go and have kids from different women without a lot of drama...i am just saying that i am a woman who thinks like a man.."
Your disrespect and misunderstanding of men is shocking. But since you are asking for a non-judgmental reply to your conundrum. we will lightly gloss over that and proceed to the meat of your question.
First. The priority your husband has for the welfare of the children is commendable. It is a good example to you in your decision. Is it really good for the new baby to bring it into the mess you are making of your family? You should let the interests of the children you have and the child you want guide your decision.
New babies don't solve relationship problems.
You are already breaking your husbands heart, and you are most likely to hurt him quite a bit in the near future.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 July 2018):
You ask not to be judged, fine. But I have to tell you that you are being ridiculous. This younger man is having an affair with you. Have you even asked if he wants to have a child with you? You say that it’s easy for men to have kids with other women, but it is not, because whilst they don’t carry or give birth to them they have responsibilities and obligations to support that child. It’s very likely he doesn’t remotely want a kid with you.
You have two children already. Your marriage is over because it’s plain that you don’t love or respect your husband and you shouldn’t still be with him. You’ve got no reason to think that your other man is going to want to move from a casual lover on the side to the settled relationship complete with instant family. Sometimes in life you can’t always have what you want and right now you shouldn’t be thinking of having another child.
I wish you all the very best.
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