A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me I am screwing myself up and my relationship.I am 34 and boyfriend is 45. We have been together for a very happy 18 months and living together for one year. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had but I am so close to losing him cause of my obsession with his past.Before me he was single for four years. His ex partner, mother of his son, left him for someone else. She also trashed his house and fleeced him. She was apparently cold with him during their seven year relationship. Before that he was in a long term relationship with another girl for seven years. He said they became more like friends. I can't help but ask question after question about his past love life. I am obsessed. He has told me that he has never felt this way about anyone - when I ask him what he means and to describe it, he finds it very hard - he says when I smile it is like an adrenaline rush. He says that when he cuddles up to me it feels so special and he gets a warm glowing feeling inside, but he said he has never had this with other people even though he has been in love before.Yesterday I was questioning him again and he told me about yet another girl he went out with in his twenties who he was with for nine months. He said he loved her to bits! This made me crazy with jealousy. Then there was another girl when he was 17 and she was 21. She died in an accident and he said he felt like he had nothing to live for after that. This really upset me. I asked him, how can he say he has never felt this in love with someone if he felt like that about her and he said "I was 17. Your feelings are strong at that age. Everything is a big deal".Ok, so he treats me amazing. He is so warm and caring. Always cuddling, kissing me. Puts me first 100% of the time. I don't at all doubt that he loves me, its just that I kind of don't feel special now I know about all these others!!! How can I stop feeling this way? I feel like one in a long line of women!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 You have a form of retroactive jealousy which is apparently a form of OCD. Yours happens to express itself in an unhealthy and obsessive fixation on his past partners.
You will have to stop asking him about the past partners and asking for details as this only serves to feed your obsessive thoughts and reinforce your jealous feelings.
There is an aunt here who has posted extensively on this topic and has what I consider to be the most healthy and effective approach. http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
There are also links and helpful thoughts on an article I started, hoping to get the conversation away from blaming the person with the OCD and also away from blaming the person who was partnered with the RJ sufferer. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
You are not alone. You are basically stuck in an obsessive compulsive loop and will need and hopefully benefit from some professional counseling and therapy. Please go speak with your physician so you can be referred to the appropriate mental health care provider and get started on your journey to wellness.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 December 2013):
 have you never dated anyone else besides him before? is he the only man you've ever gone out with in your whole life? i can't imagine that could be the case. so did you never care for any of them at all or think they were great at one point in time or another? and if you did, does that somehow negate how special your boyfriend is to you NOW?
your jealousy is unfounded and very damaging - to you and to him. he has a past. that's normal. everyone does. you do, too. but what he experienced in his past has no reflection on how he feels about you now. in fact, had he not had all of those experiences in the past, he probably wouldn't be the wonderful man he is to you today. if he had never had another relationship with another woman besides you, he'd be inexperience, immature and unwise in the ways of dating. and you probably wouldn't be so compatible.
what you're doing is hurting your relationship, and completely needlessly. he doesn't deserve to be questioned like that. it's one thing to ask about your partners past because you're interested and want to know all about their life before you. but to interrogate and question someone in order to hold it over their head and invalidate their current feelings for you is just nonsense. and it's pointless.
whatever he has experienced in his past was in his past. and what he feels for you now need not be compared. so what if he loved another woman? so what if he loved many other women? what does that change about his love for you now? it changes NOTHING.
you're insecure and sizing yourself up with these other women, wanting to hear that you were way more special than them. truth is that they WERE special to him. but it ended and he moved on. now YOU'RE special to him. and if you don't watch yourself, you will be a part of his past, as well.
this jealousy of yours will destroy your relationship. and fast. if i were you, i'd seek counseling because this is very unhealthy and you should try to get a grip on it while you can before it gets even more out of hand or before you lose him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): What you are feeling is irrational but it's also not unheard of. I think that you're experiencing "retroactive jealousy" but you haven't fully taken responsibility for it.
People typically experience "healthy" jealousy when their partner is behaving inappropriately, flirting with other women in front of them, and not respecting the relationship. Is your partner doing these things? Do you sense that he would still rather be in one of his previous relationships?
If not, then it's on you to fix it. In this situation, knowledge is power, so beginning your quest to find information about this by posting here is a good start. It's not enough though. There are things he can do, such as not giving into your quest for more information in his exes, not mentioning details like he "loved her to bits."
However, that's treating the symptoms. This problem likely is not limited to this relationship, it's that you're likely feeling inadequate compared to an idealized person that you've crafted in your mind: his exes.
I would look around online or order a book to get more information on how to halt these unhealthy thought patterns. If your case is so bad that it's ruining your relationships, then you might want to consider getting counseling until you have it under control.
Mostly, it's not fair to him that you're becoming angry and hurt over his past, as it's nothing he can control and he's not lying to you about it. You can't punish him for dating people before you. If you're not careful, he might get fed up and leave if he feels like you're constantly punishing him for things that he shouldn't be punished for.
It's fixable, it just takes a work.
http://www.retroactivejealousy.com/what-is-rj/
On the other hand, if you feel like he is a serial monogamist and you're going to get hurt, and you just can't deal with this "kind of guy," it might be best to cut things off and walk away instead of dragging you both through this. I don't think that necessarily needs to be the case though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): ..yes, he has had a life and a past. You both sound very happy together apart from your insecurity about his past.
Your partner hasn't had a long line of women.
Compare that to me. I'm 36. Only had one proper girlfriend. All the other times I've had flings, one night stands, f*** buddies, you name it. The reason being, I didn't want to be with someone unless I was totally "into them" (excuse the pun). I found that person last year. She asked me about my past gf's. I was honest and after a few months she dumped me because of insecurities like yours snowballed in her mind that I would one day dump her. I was heartbroken.
What I'm trying to say is, don't judge people on their past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Your boyfriend has lived a lifespan of 45 years. From his teens to his early forties, he didn't live in a cocoon.
He was a young man meeting people, having no idea you existed. When he was 17, you were 6. For every year you've mentioned he had a female in his life, do the math. He didn't live the life of a hermit; or like those awkward shut-ins who see life only through the screen of an electronic device. He lived and loved! He practiced and prepared.
From his early thirties to the present; he has spent learning who he is, what he wants, and what he doesn't need in his life. He is experienced and well-seasoned as man. So you have the benefit of a man, many years in the making!
You're 34 years old. Did you start dating at the age of 34?
Were you placed in a time-capsule at birth, not to be released until you were 34? Where you locked in a chastity belt until you met him?
We are meant to have a series of relationships over the course of a lifetime. Trial relationships that we learn and develop by. People who enter our lives at that point in time; fulfilling our destiny, shaping our future, and preparing us for relationships later on in our journey through life.
For most sane, functioning, and contributing adults; there will be more than one person in our lives that we will fall in-love with. Love changes from one person to the next, because people are different. Every individual has something unique to offer, and possess their own specific needs.
One should only take, what they are willing to give.
Relationships last for varying periods of time; because each has it's own expiration date. Each provides a different form of fulfillment in the time allotted.
That's why breakups hurt so much; even if a relationship sucks.
Love comes under limited-warranty and is not backed by guarantee. You discard when the seal is broken. Sometimes a partner decides we aren't exactly what they're looking for.
That means we weren't what they wanted; it doesn't mean we're not fit for anyone else. In fact, we were probably better than they'll ever get. Believe that, even if it isn't true. Who's to argue?
Healthy people recover and move on, and continue enjoying relationships until they find one that suits them. One they want to last an indefinite length of time. This is usually the relationship within they feel most comfortable, and will form the strongest love-connection. We learn by our mistakes. We venture on. Stepping over a few failures, busting through unforeseen obstacles, and staying on course. As did you and your boyfriend. Until you found each other.
This portion is written for your boyfriend; and great guys and the wonderful gals like him (and me):
Sometimes, good love is misplaced. We find people who seem the most perfect fit. Beware! These people have crazy outrageous thoughts running through their minds. We may never know; until they clobber us over the head, and stab us through the heart with it.
You're thinking how great this is, how long you've been waiting to find someone so wonderful. You are feeling happy and building feelings on top of feelings. Unbeknownst to the fact, this person is freaking out over your past and other nonsense.
All those feelings you're building for them; are just evaporating into thin air, like steam. It's just a matter of time before you realize; all this time, you have been mistakenly thinking you had finally found that special person. They're busy wasting your feelings; and coloring your love with doubt and insecurities. Finding reasons to say it isn't real. Shadowing your sunshine with fear and misgivings.
Prepare! They're going to disappoint you with insecurity and craziness. They're going to tear your heart out, and set you back to square one. You've given them your time,
you've reassured them by letting your actions speak louder than your words. This was not enough. In fact, nothing will ever be enough. They've found a way to sabotage it all. They will always want to know why me? You can only answer this question, with a question. Why not?
To your dismay. They kill it all with insecurity. Fear not! You'll learn from this one, as you learned from the last. Some people just don't appreciate a good thing until it's gone. Until they've shoved you into loneliness; or the arms of someone else. Prepare to take all the blame.
Don't give up. You'll always land on your feet. With each experience, comes a lesson to be learned about people. You only get stronger. Unfortunately, some people never do.
Forgive him or her, they've found love; and aren't sure what to do with it. They have only learned how to avoid pain and risk; not how to rebuild from the lessons learned from past mistakes. How to forgive and move on, and reward those who give them what they deserve.
He will never see this. Hopefully, you'll get the message.
He's tried and tested. You've got the finished-product, after they tweaked out most of the bugs!
Girlfriend, get a grip!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Did you expect him to live in a vacuum until you materialized in his life?
Even if you were not an age gap relationship, having life experiences before you meet a partner is normal and natural and necessary to know what you have and what you want.
so working backwards I count one serious relationship with the mother of his child and one other LTR. That's 2 serious relationships in a long life of 45.
NOW you can't leave well enough alone so you question him and find out he had his first love at age 17... how NORMAL and typical of him.
He treats you well
he professes to love you (sounds like he does)
WHY are you trying to wreck what sounds normal and perfect?
A long line of women would have double or triple digits.
YOU are his 4th special one... that's GREAT...
get some therapy if it bothers you so much that you are going to ruin a good thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 December 2013):
 You write:" I feel like one in a long line of women!!"
well, YOU ARE.
It's called having had a life and a past. He is not some 16 year old with a BUNCH of exes - he is a 45 YEAR old man who have had a life before he meet you.
Is he YOUR first? I bet you not. So does that mean he is no longer special to him?
I think you are being utterly unrealistic.
How can you stop feeling the way you do, by ACCEPTING that he had a past then then STOP digging in it. It's NOT helping you one bit digging around in his past and quite honestly, it's not really any of your business either.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 This man sounds like a "serial monogomist".... and you have to consider that he (will) might, likely, continue that pattern in the future.
You can enjoy your time with him, if you wish.... but continue your (and his) relationship with the understanding that it is high likelihood to be finite....
He didn't have those other meetings/relationships/partings in a vacuum.... That is "who this man is".....
Good luck....
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