A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi allI have been with my ex for a very long time (5 years 1 month 2 days)We split 2 days ago.Its been LDR the whole time, spending weekends and holidays together. We probably average 2-3 days/week togetherWe have both been in our jobs 20 years, and didnt want to leave them in todays market. She left her job for someone 10 years ago and it didnt work (and she luckily got her job back) but would never do it again.We looked extensively over the years at moving 'in the middle' but combined travel costs would have left us completely broke.The strain has been showing for some time now, a year or so ago i decided to get a job by her- she actually said she didnt want that anymore at the time and we split for a few days We got back together and she said she had made a mistake-- but i had lost the confidence that she would stick with me through thick and thin as a result. The last 12 months, we have had some good times, tender times, and a few passionate times. But its been a tough year. The last two months though have been good.It came to a head this weekend, things got heated because im allergic to her cat which she got 2 years ago.I was hacking and coughing and she said i made her feel guilty. I know she isnt happy, and i know ill not commit to leaving my job again.. so i did what i thought was the right thing, ended it - i told her i loved her (i do) and said i knew she was unhappy and needed to let her go.She was fine with it- she handled it far better than me (i broke down).I think she had already 'moved on' emotionally.As she is having investigations into a health issue she agreed to let me know the results.By the time i got home, she had removed all our photos from facebook and was showing as single...So, as i was the one that ended it- it should be easy for me right?Wrong, all i can think about is her, and never seeing her again, or thinking about her with someone else.How do people deal with it? Im a complete mess, i cant function at work and ive already broken the no contact rule I KNOW it was the right thing to do, she yearns for a future with someone, and the years of me letting her down (ie not getting a job there) have eaten away her feelings for me.But all i seem to do is cryHow do people move on?..date again quickly? ..i cant imagine even touching someone else.We spoke last night.. and it was civil, but i think she has emotionally moved on already perhaps.Should i go completely no contact? Including wiping her facebook?Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the feedback
To update you we HAVE talked the last few days, almost constantly.
I offered to do the commute, but she said after all the disappointments it is too late now.
Its hard, because aside from distance she was perfect.
But i know i need to immediately do NC now to try and get over her.
The images of her with someone else are killing me right now, but i suppose that will fade with time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 just because you are the one to end it (and it seems rightfully so) does NOT Mean it's easier on you.
I remember that every relationship I have ended has left me in tears for a bit... even though I WANTED them over... something this intense and long term... you have to grieve the death of so many things here... the relationship, your hope for the future.. the known (while it was not a great relationship it was a known entity and that's always easier than the unknown)
if seeing her NOT mourn the loss of your relationship hurts you, then by all means go NO CONTACT till it does not hurt.... besides she will probably find a new "love" sooner than you (as she probably was grieving the loss long before you started and will process faster) and that will hurt you and you don't need to inflict pain on yourself any more than you are already doing.
I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): I have always found it hardest to be the one to break up. It is like the dumper takes on the responsibility for the breakup and decision, and then blame themselves. When you are the dumpee, it is easier because you can just be angry at the other person, take no responsibility for the breakup, and believe that it was not your choice so you have no control over it. I have been through several breakups, and the hardest were the ones I ended. The dumper can also have regrets, deep regrets for breaking it up, but when you are the dumpee, you can 'choose to believe' you have no regrets because you didn't do it.Whatever your real reasons are for ending it, you have to ride out the pain of it now, because your hind sight for the next six to twelve months will be out of focus. The best thing you can do is go 100% no contact. Remove all traces of her from your life. Put all photos and things in a safe place, but out of sight. DO NOT look at her facebook EVER, it will only hurt you and delay your healing process. Believe that this was the right thing to do, and you will start to heal over time. Trust in the decision you made, which had been brewing for 12 months. The break up was from a place of love and honesty, not an argument.The healing process is LONG, so be gentle with yourself.You are right, both of you were not going to 'move' so there was no where for this relationship to go. It is likely, she had emotionally been preparing for the breakup.Do not date for a while. It is not fair on the other person, and your heart and soul can not be in the process. DO however, go out with your friends. DO get involved in as many things as you can - even though you don't feel like it.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 November 2013):
 i think you're putting too much blame on yourself. you say you let her down by not taking a job near her. keep in mind that you BOTH refused to leave your jobs, not just you. and eventually YOU were the one who was willing to give in and relocate. not her. but she was the one who said no.
it sounds like you made the right decision. i know it's painful and difficult, but the relationship didn't appear to have a foreseable future. so props to you for having the guts to do it knowing it's going to hurt. the hard thing and the right thing tend to go hand and hand, unfortunately. i know you miss her terribly right now. i'm sorry you're going through this. just remember that as time goes on, these feelings of sadness will fade to a distant memory.
just because you're the one that ended it doesn't mean it wasn't heart-wrenching for you; it doesn't mean that it was easy for you. you spent years with this woman. you shared your lives together for a long time. you are used to being with her. it's going to take time. in the mean time, you probably should go no contact, as painful as that may feel. because otherwise, you will make the pain linger. better to go ahead and pour salt in that wound and let it heal rather than let it fester. but that's just me. everyone is different.
you don't have to move on quickly and date again for a while. you can take as long as you need. it may take a couple of years for you to fully bounce back. that would be quite normal and acceptable. don't put a time limitation on how soon you should be back in the dating game. you will only wind up hurting yourself and someone else if you start dating again too soon.
good luck to you and you will find happiness again soon. you will be okay. just buckle down and be patient. let yourself mourn the loss and let yourself cry. you will heal, i promise.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Some people do move on quickly (I'm not one of them so don't know how they do it), some people pretend to for the sake of their pride, especially if they're the dumpee.
Your ex may have moved on emotionally, or started to detach from you, a while ago as you "let her down". Or she may be struggling just as much as you and putting up a front.
While you feel like this, it's certainly a good idea to remove or at least hide her on Facebook. I think that removing FB etc and going completely no contact is the best way forward, but it's pulling the plaster off quickly whereas some people prefer the slower way of detaching.
I'm sorry for how bad you feel. It does get better. I don't think you should consider dating at the moment, but do spend time with family and friends.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Like the song; Breaking up hard to do" getting over a break-up is never easy. just divert your attention to new things
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