A
male
age
36-40,
*adakiss87
writes:Hi guys, I'm in a real pickle with the girl I love. We have been together for about 6months now and slowly but surely she has become the centre of my happiness. When ever I'm with her I feel electric and alive. I have had a couple of long term partners in the past but the love I feel for this girl is on a different level. It almost makes me question my love I thought I had for other people! The problem is, she isn't as sure as I am about us and it's causing a huge strain on us. She is sure she loves me and wants to be with me but when we were talking the other I day and I told her I could see her being my everything she freaked out a little. And since then it's been a bit confusing. She has asked for a bit of space to think about things, and her communication has deteriorated. It feels as though I'm the only one trying now and whenever we text it's me asking the questions and she isn't giving the conversation anything other than answering what I have asked. I should also point out that we live 120miles apart and only see each other once a week ish. We have a promise in place that if it gets to ten days with out seeing each other we do all we can to see each other the next day. The longest we have been apart was 22days and that was so hard but that's how we got the ten day promise thing.Next weekend we are going on holiday together for a week and I'm feeling extremely weird about it. I don't want to feel like I'm on trial or being judged and I don't want to be wary of everything she says or does.One of my friends told me it would be a good idea to back off a little as she belives because iv given her my heart on a stick so to speak she doesn't have to put effort in for it now? I kind of understand that and hearing it from another female makes me think it's probably true.My partner also admitted she was worried we were too dis similar in a conversation we had, she used an example of how I am quite romantic whereas she doesn't feel the need to be showered with affection or gestures. Another example she used was that I have my own place and she lives at home. She wants to go to Amsterdam with her friends instead of a relaxing beach holiday with me. I understand she had a life before she met me and she shouldn't just shut that life off. I don't have a problem with her doing her own thing but she seems to think I do. I know what most people will think, and that's the fact it's such a short period of time to be so upset by, but I didnt belive I could love someone as much as I do her. The things iv been advised is that I'm being too full on I need to stop and back off and let her make her own mind up without being pressurised. Another thing someone told me is that she probably knows she should be with me because I have a good heart and am so loving but she just isn't ready for a serious commitment.And another thing someone told me is that she probably wants to save me heartache and is hoping I end it with her.Any advice would be great guys, thanks
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lives at home, on holiday, period, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Read that book cover to cover before you go on the holiday. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Jadakiss87 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Jadakiss87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe haven't got access to eithers password for any accounts, the only way she would see is if I have the page open or open an email on my phone and she sees. I'm not worried about her seeing because she knows my friend and the story about the girl at the post office as I asked her opinion on it too.
Thanks for the advice, yes I am anxious as I truly feel she could be the one, and I would hate to loose her because I like her too much! Since we had the drunken phone call I have defiantly toned it all down and am trying my hardest to try and not mention anything serious, but there's always that worry in my head looking deeper into what she says.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
If you told her you could see her being your everything then she knows you have extremely strong feelings for her.
If you keep pushing on her, you will push her right away.
Take a deep breath, a big step back and pick up that book I referenced. You are killing the relationship by smothering her.
On the holiday, keep it light and bright and do not bring up the future, do not talk about how she is your everything.
Give her that space she is taking and just try to relax. You sound anxious.
And I stand by my comment that if she has access to your email account she is aware of the DearCupid posts. She will draw her own conclusions from those.
In the future, your friend can put his own question out there without resorting to your account. Anonymous posters ask questions here all the time.
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A
male
reader, Jadakiss87 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Jadakiss87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha - I just wanted to help this friend by allowing him to put the question out there. I have been on this site for many years as a avid fan. I don't really know what to say about the spelling or way we word things, on the original post I was with him as he typed it out and maybe had an influence on how he worded it.
I am genuinely spilling my heart and worries out in this question. If you don't believe me that's a shame, but I appreciate the small advice given to the actual reason for the post, it's hard not to be so intense about the love when I'm only seeing her for a few days. I feel like I want it to be perfect and to gain as much from the time as we can. I want her to know exactly what she means to me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
One thing that will feed her suspicions that you and the October 4 post from your account are from the same person is the use of the contraction "iv" instead of "I've", it would be a big coincidence that you both would use that same contraction in your posts, along with the word "guys" and "thanks" all in the same places. Your tone and wording and spelling are the same, so I'm sure she's convinced you wrote that post, just as I am. I think you did write it, you did have a crush on that girl and didn't want to explain that you were in a relationship and now you don't want to have to explain how you can be so in love yet still have a crush on the girl at the post office.
Maybe she senses you have some trouble with being completely truthful and is reluctant to commit to you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Hi Jadakiss, it is interesting when I hear that people allow others to use their accounts. It means that you had to give him your password here and that any responses "he" received would have been sent as a notification to your email account.
So if this love of your life has your email password and access to your email account, she has read all your posts here and now thinks you had a crush on someone while identifying yourself as being single.
It's so easy for someone to just submit a question as an anon, you don't need to have an account here to ask a question. No need to offer up your DC email and password login.
Back off the overwhelming declarations of love, give her space to miss you and read the book "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, PhD to help you cope with balancing your intense feelings so that you don't smother this relationship. Oxygen is good. Smothering is bad. Leave space and air for now.
And do doublecheck that she doesn't think you are asking questions here about crushes while you are supposedly completely and utterly in love with her.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Busted, nice job Sherlock.
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A
male
reader, Jadakiss87 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Jadakiss87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha - Hi thanks for taking the time to reply. That post was from a friend of mine who didn't want to create an account to gain advice. He was looking for a bit of advice and I told him about this site. He wasn't willing to sign up so I told him to use mine.
Hope this clarifies....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Jadakiss, I have admit to being confused by this question. Only a little over a month ago, you posted a question in which you stated you were single: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-you-were-me-would-you-try-and.html
There, you have a crush on a woman who has a child and a partner. Based on this question, you would have been dating the girl in this question for 5 months.
Could you please explain why you'd omit this information in that last question? Maybe the trouble with your current love life is that the current girlfriend senses there is something you are withholding from her. I admit, this pair of questions makes you sound extremely fishy as a loving devoted boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 November 2013):
Well, you can't force a relationship to happen, and if things are meant to be then these little incidents are irrelevant; you get over them and continue being together. But if this puts you at the brink of breaking up it means there are other problems, namely the distance.
LDR's suck, even when they're good. I've only been in them temporarily, and never initiated an LDR (they only became that way for relatively short periods after dating for awhile).
If you really want to save this relationship, you have to stabilize it, then find a way to live closer. Even that might not work. And, despite the way you feel, it's really hard to know if you want to spend your life with someone since you haven't been together very long, and haven't spent a ton of time in person. You may love the ideal her, but her bad side is still hidden, although it seems to be coming out a little.
Do yourself a favor though, don't start being needy or things are definitely doomed.
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A
male
reader, Jadakiss87 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Jadakiss87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCMMP - Thanks for your time. I really think when we are together it feels so right and like nothing is wrong in the world. We are always flirting, laughing, touching and the spark is most defiantly there. It's when we are back home with the miles between us for the weeks at times we struggle. But isn't that what everyone in a LDR experiences? Also I should mention (I thought I did) between me telling her what I did and the distances in texts and communication she went out for a meal and then clubbing for her sisters birthday and she asked me to go with her. I didn't because it meant I'd have to sit in her house alone for 6hours whilst she worked a shift. So I went home. I now regret this because I think I should of done it for the relationship, I think she is disappointed I didn't stay too, so on the night she went out and was being off with me I asked her to call me when she got in. I was out with my friends too. At about 4am she called me and we were both drunk and I kind of put lots of pressure on her asking her to tell me why she was off with me and why she didn't seem bothered with me today. Probably the worst mistake I have made with her, she ranted for a little bit and I gave her a piece of my mind and at one point she said why are we bothering with this what's the point, so I said ok then let's break up if you can't be bothered.....about 2mins went past with us both saying what about the holiday, we couldn't believe it had come to this and then we both agreed to stay together and see how the holiday goes. I want this girl in my life forever, she makes me so happy and I'm proud to call her my partner, all the things I fell for are still there and it feel it every time I'm with her, she told me she loves me very much an cares more about me than anyone will know but the one thing sticking in my head is that on that drunken phone call she said maybe as much as we want to be together we just can't! Sorry for the detail and length...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 November 2013):
I'm not sure you guys are "meant to be". Also, in the future you need to be very selective with the cheesy things you tell women. Some love it and need it, others go running for the hills.
For now you should just allow her to set the pace of things and stop asking questions or expecting things from her. If you don't you'll probably push her away.
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