A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, I'm not looking to get criticized, I am aware that this is online but I am merely looking to learn about this type of behaviour so I can avoid it and pick up on it in the near future.Three months ago I picked up online gaming again and I met a guy through the game, and we got along really well and we clicked. We talk literally everyday for hours and hours. I love talking to him and he has said to me he values me and likes talking to me because I am a cheery person. He also said he cares about me. During the game I play with other players and have made many friends there, and he got very funny about it. He started saying "Oh hang on, someone wants to talk to me", or "I need to be somewhere else". I was casual about it and said that was fine. I just ended up playing with other friends while he was doing his own thing. He started saying things like "You should come to [insert country here] so I can show you all the sites" (he said that twice) and he would tease me, I'd tease him back and he liked "love-hate relationships" can't remember the details. I got so upset with him twice. Last month I got upset because it felt like he was playing games with me and I hated it so much. I called him out on it but he said it was a misunderstanding and that he was joking around, then said he would do voice chats if he was joking and told him not to. Then he was saying he was jealous about me talking to other guys on the game (they are only friends), I thought he was joking but apparently his not. Last week I got upset and angry again because he was trying to make me jealous on purpose, I don't know if it was a joke but it was not funny and I was hurt. He apologised again and said "I'm sorry you feel this way and I am sorry for what I have done to you. Please don't get angry again". I told him I wanted to take a break away from the game abit and he asked me to not leave him, then he goes "I'm going away for a week, so don't get angry with me" and said "I miss you, don't you miss me?".I feel like he is trying to get reassurance that I care about him. I talk for fking hours with him of course I care! I can about the time I spend and I sure wouldn't spend it on just anyone. I know this is only an online game, I get that. I merely want to learn about this kind of behaviour so I can avoid it in the near future for real life. In my opinion, he sounds insecure of himself. I don't take online relationships too seriously, just a way to pass the time during COVID lol. Any ideas why he is like this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): I am so happy you took our answers in the proper light and perspective. You can take a detour around some life-challenges that are better to be forewarned about; rather than having to go through the uncertain consequences of taking risks through ignorance or inexperience. That's why I'm here to help people; and to give-back through wisdom and my own experience. If I can save someone pain or heartache; I know God will bless me, you, and all the other great uncles and aunts who give of their time, energy, and wisdom to help others.
When you asked him if his intentions are friendship or romantic, he claimed it was romantic. He gave you the answer he thought you wanted to hear; so he could continue playing on your emotions. You're ten steps ahead of him, and came here for our advice just to make sure you were on-target. You had a gut-feeling something was up with him. You could sense you were being toyed with, and beat him at his own game. Like I said, he was talking a whole lot of smack; and probably running it all back to the other gamers. I'm not saying he doesn't genuinely like you; but the things he was saying was too much coming from somebody whom has never met you.
God bless you, may He guide you, and I wish you all the best! Stay safe, sweetheart!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 July 2020):
 Live and learn, OP
Glad we all could help you, though I think you already knew the answers :)
There is a reason apps like Tindr etc.. are so successful. Because it's easy to get caught up in something that isn't quite "real". Because it FEELS real. It's also why people who are very into social media are also very into how many "likes" and "followers" they have, it gives people a dopamine rush ("happy hormone for the brain").
I have met many people who have met on games and made it work "in real life" and some who didn't.
Maybe this experience will help you set some clear boundaries in the future. Which is a good thing to learn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for responding! I actually spoke with him yesterday to clarify the relationship and he definitely misunderstood the boundaries. I asked how he saw me and his response was 'a lovely partner', asked him to clarify whether he meant romantic sense or friendly. He said romantic, so it explains why he is behaving this way. I told him I only see him as a friend, that's it. His response was obnoxious, he said "I know you will always return to me". After speaking to him about it I have had enough of him. It was true, we both got so caught up with each other, the whole connection - we really clicked and enjoyed each others company for awhile but now it isn't pleasant for me at all. He had also said he is caught up with another game so he isn't online as much in the one we met on, I'm ok with that and I'm hoping he might just fade away with time. His behaviour is toxic.. and I don't like it.
Thanks again everyone for responding! Didn't mean to personally insult anyone about the criticizing part. Everyone on here has some of the best answers to my tough questions which I love and I get a better wake-up call about my situations. I am able to take a step back through someone else's eyes and analysis the situation from a logically perspective, rather than emotional.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (5 July 2020):
 How to avoid this sort of drama in the future? Easy: don't invest emotionally in someone you don't know.
You know nothing about this guy except what he wants you to know. You have not even met in person, let alone met his family and friends. He could be married. He could be a con man. He could be absolutely anything. The connection you feel with him is based on what you would like him to be. This could be far far removed from the person he turns out to be. If he is managing to upset you, then you are too close. If you didn't care for him, he would not hold that power over you.
I totally understand the need to connect with others, especially in these unprecedented times of lock downs and social distancing. However, that does not mean you should not put yourself and your feelings first, way above the needs and feelings of some random person you have only "met" online.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2020): When you ask for advice, don't censor the people you've come to for help. Sometimes what seems to come across as harsh or criticism is a straight-forward and truthful response. You're a full-grown intelligent-woman; and that's exactly how I will respond to you. Take it, or leave it. If you don't like the answer, ignore it.
Try not to attach romantic-feelings where they are inappropriate. He flirts and playfully banters with you. He is an online-playmate, and part of the connection is teasing, trading a few barbs, and just having fun. You are allowing your feelings to get in the way. He has never met you in-person; and you've begun to behave as if you are in a romantic-relationship.
I'm a guy. Let me school you an male-behavior. That's what you've come here for. You're in your 20's, and this connection was made through gaming. Guys usually don't include females in these cliques to avoid what you've come here complaining about. He's throwing mixed-signals at you. Where the hell is this guy coming from? Simple answer. He's being a guy! He is being silly, carefree, and just a tad stupid. He is also toying with you; because he knows you've got a little crush going. All that crap about being jealous and not wanting you to speak to other guys? Let that roll off your skin like water in the shower. It is meaningless babble to hold-on to your attention. To get your feedback, and run-back to the other fellows to tell them what's going on. Not necessarily in a bad-way, just having fun. It feels good to have someone growing attached; but you can't take any of this nonsense seriously! Protect your heart and guard your feelings, sweetheart!
I would recommend hitting the brakes, if you feel yourself being pulled into something emotional with this guy. He probably lives in his parent's basement, and rarely does anything more than play games and sleep. When offline, he's actually out with people. Perhaps even dating! Maybe not much with Covid-19 going-on; but it seems too many people don't care about infecting others. They only care about me, myself, and I. Gaming with buddies online is a great way to be mentally-stimulated, and stay safe. You can meet people from anywhere in the world!
He's not being serious, but you're taking it all seriously. If you're going to be a part of the gaming-clique; you've got to be like the rest of the "guys!" Continue to flirt, trade barbs, and banter. Just take it all in fun. He's just a friend, not a "boyfriend."
Let's be serious. If you mix guys and gals; sooner or lady somebody is going to start flirting. It's inevitable. Just learn that flirting doesn't necessarily lead to anything. That's how guys are. If we like you, if we think you're cute, it follows that we may flirt with you. It's to make you feel good, and he likes the fact that you like him for it. The more you show you like it, the more he'll give you. Keep coaxing him in that direction, and he'll play the game! When he senses you're starting to get too demanding; he'll pullback, or he will just ghost you all together. That's a guy thing.
Nicer-guys will just find a polite-way to duck or dodge you. They will do it respectfully. You don't let people think they own you; just because you like them, or they like you. How can you get into arguments? Are the arguments game-related? If not, you're trying to manipulate or change things to suit your own objectives. He can go for the bait, or match wits with you. It's about games!
There are no rules online. You can playfully be a jerk! Why? Because you don't know each other well enough to really care about feelings; like you would with a friend you've met face-to-face. Someone you can hangout with in-person; or literally knock at their door! Online, you may just go-away and never comeback! Block him for no reason at all!
In more personal-situations (meaning in real-time), you must add humanity to a live-personality. They're a person, made of flesh and blood...not just a voice and/or an image on a screen. He has a lot of time on his hands; so he may as well fill that time with conversation and idle chit-chat. You can do that with a total-stranger at the Starbucks, or at the checkout at the grocery. Your paths may never cross again.
You wouldn't be so quick to dismiss anybody that you've met face-to-face, and can breathe the same air. If you've only met online, you don't really know people; so manners are laxed, or nonexistent. Problem is, nowadays people attempt to conduct full-blown romantic-relationships between "devices;" and try to take it as seriously as two people who spend real-time cuddling together. You haven't once touched, not once spent time in the same room; or actually know each other on a personal-basis. Hello...under no circumstances is a strictly online-friendship or romance (you've never even shook hands!) the same! You can argue the point until you turn blue in the face and your eyeballs pop-out! It's nowhere the same! Check your feelings, girlfriend!
He is offering you a hypothetical-invitation as a game-friend, it's a friendly gesture. He isn't dating you. Stop taking him seriously, and keep it on very casual and friendly-terms; and your online-friendship will continue with few misunderstandings. Start bickering and treating him like a boyfriend, and he will toy with you like you're a fool. He's expecting you to know better. Nobody's being serious! He will probably tell the other guys everything that's going-on. It's not meant to be taken seriously, it's about gaming and having fun!
Even the flirting is all in the name of fun! Keep it light! Enjoy yourself. If he pours it on thick, call him out on it. Tell him to quit with the sappy lover-boy junk, you're a serious-gamer...you don't play kid's games! He lives in another country, the likelihood of actually meeting is too uncertain to matter how he treats you. Don't be too quick to accept invitations from strangers online; you have no idea what you'll find or run into when you actually meet them!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2020): This guy is a nutter.My mother taught me as a young child the best thing to do in this situation is to avoid him and block him.He is not right.I do not want to scare to but for awhile I would be aware of my surroundings and a little more alert if I were you because you cannot predict how a nutter will act once contact has ceased.And always....always trust your gut feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2020): I think you have both just got swepped up in it all.
For you I think it’s boredom, loneliness from being cut off from other people. You say you don’t take it too seriously, but you are getting upset over silly things he is doing. You care too much about someone you haven’t met and don’t know properly. If you weren’t invested in him, you wouldn’t care about his silly games - just ignore them.
It may sound like I am judging you, but believe me I am not. Covid 19 is a hard time for everyone, people are acting out of character. People are lonely, isolated, bored. I’ve been in isolation for 4 months now and sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and doing things I usually wouldn’t do.
But I can tell you are smart girl, deep down you know you wouldn’t usually entertain someone from the internet like this. You know you shouldn’t take it too seriously, but apart of you does. It’s normal - crazy times we be having!!
It could be the same for him. Isolation makes people crave a connection, is probably making both of you think there is more to this relationship than there is. We are social creatures after all.
Don’t get me wrong, I do think his behaviour is a red flag and I think your right in not speaking to him for a while.
He does sound insecure and needy and ultimately your better off out of it.
In terms of how to avoid this in the future. Well a big thing to avoid is jealousy, especially if you are not a couple yet. Also if a guy is coming on too strong at the beginning, telling you how much he cares about you and will miss you etc, when you haven’t spent enough time together or no time together at all. That signals low self worth and desperation. These type of men tend to ‘hit it and quit it’ rather fast. They are always on the lookout for the next ego boost.
But again, you seem like a smart woman, you recognised this mans behaviour is off and have taken a step back. It may of taken you a while to recognise it, but you are still young, now you know - lesson learnt. Avoid this in the future. Believe me, you have a lot more lessons to learn in dating, it never stops no matter how old you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 July 2020):
I think there are probably a few things going on here. One in that you ARE virtual strangers (regardless of how much you talk online), so it IS easy to misunderstand or make "jokes" that fall short.
And you are from different countries which means there is probably also a cultural difference. Which again can cause miscommunication and misunderstandings.
Lastly, there are no clear boundaries.
He might see you as a almost "online GF" which is why he gets jealous that you talk to the other guys.
It's EASY to get caught up in emotionally "bonding" with someone, it's exciting and you get a fix from the gaming and another from the attention from him. Which again can lead people into think there is "love" or deep care involved. While you enjoy gaming and talking with him, he is JUST another gamer, not someone irreplaceable that you have deep connection to. That is reality.
I think you need to figure out how to TREAT him as a friend ONLY and set some firm boundaries and it might be easier for you both.
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