A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Today there was an incident with my son and Bf in front of my family whom we are down to viait for a few days. My Bf is an avid football supporter and my family support the rival team but they are not really into football they just have a few jerseys etc. My sister found and old Jersey and put it on our 3 yr old saying how cute she looks and that she should keep it. My bf jumped up and said no way get that sgit off her. Everyone thought he was joking around but he pulled it off our daughter and ahe was left in tears. During this my 15yr old son said ah thats not nice and went to put the Jersey back on her. My Bf got angry and jumped in so that my son couldnt reach our daughter. He pushed my son back and told him to fuck and off shes not wearing that. My son said not to push him as did all of us who told him to cop on and calm down. My aon proceeded to try again and he pushed him again. I had to jump in the middle of them and pick up my crying daughter with my whole family livid at how my bf acted over a Jersey and puahingmy son. Hes never done anything like this before but he does always try to have control in situations. I was in a very abusive relationship with my sons father and this was such a red flag. He has insisted that it was no big deal and it wasnt agressive but we were all ther and seen it. He wouldn’t do that to an adult male because hedbget knocked out. Im confused about what to do i feel like i should tell him to leave i cant believe his behavior and wht he felt it okay to put his hands on my son. It was a proper angry push. He is the only person thiking it wasnt that bad. My son said its fine but that it was agressive. I had words with bf and he has to apologize and we are cutting our stat short to go home because of the atmosphere now is a bit much. What are your views on this i dont know what to do. He has just apologized saying that my son shouldn't have pushed him to it by trying to put it on our daughter. I find this crazy. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): Well I wish you all the luck, cos I think you're gonna need it.
Well done you on how you've handled it, but honestly, if a grown person does not have the self control to not push children around, then I really wouldn't hold my breath.
He's saying the right things now, but he knows that this behaviour is wrong, but he obviously lacks the self control to stop himself, or doesn't care enough. My suspicion is that it's both. He has very poor self control and how he feels is all that matters to him when he's in the moment. He's shown that even normal social etiquette does not matter to him, when he's angry. He's being contrite now, but personally I don't believe he 'blacked out.' What a load of nonsense. And if he DID then that's dangerous too.
Remember, people can lie in counselling and say everything they're meant to say, as he is doing now, but once the focus is off him, I really wouldn't be surprised if you didn't see more of his violent side. Don't take any chances with your children or yourself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 July 2020):
 Good for you OP!
Thanks for the update.
I hope he DOES seek some help with anger-management because I think he needs it.
And don't forget your SON will learn a lesson from this too. He will see and understand what is NOT acceptable behavior. (not his, but your BF's) And he will see how YOU handle it.
ONE "episode" like this doesn't make your BF a "bad man" but it puts him on a point where this ONE episode can escalate into something FAR more serious and fast. You are right in telling him HE needs to seek help. And HE will DO just that if he wants to BE the father for his daughter. Maybe one thing you can tell him as well is to ASK him HOW he would feel if HE was in your Dad's shoes and watched his OWN daughter having to step between a GROWN man a young boy over a STUPID shirt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): Hi OP
We can only give advice on the information given to us. When children are involved you can take no chances - even when giving advice on this site.
Asking your boyfriend to move out and seek help is a smart choice. Even if it was a ‘one time only thing’. You cannot take that risk around children - so I am glad you have made that decision.
I hope he does feel remorseful as only then can he achieve growth. Although I do find that people always seem to ‘black out’ during convenient times. Now is his chance to prove to you that his aggression won’t be an issue again. Hopefully this is lesson learnt for him.
Glad to see you are taking control of your life and doing what’s best for you and your children. And glad to see you have become one of these women who has taken lessons from previous bad relationships.
You spent time alone after your abusive relationship, built yourself up and re-gained strength. Now is the time to put this to use.
If you let someone get away with something then they think it’s ok and can start to push boundaries.
It may just be a case he didn’t realise how he was coming across and he’s never usually that type of person. He may be a really good guy. Maybe it was meant as a joke. But at least now he will be more aware of his actions and how they affect other people. This is a good lesson for him to learn as he will help raise your daughter.
You are also teaching your children what type of behaviour they should not accept. What type of behaviour they should not inflict on other people.
Valuable lessons be be learnt all around
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): UPDATE... Thank you to all of those who replied. I first just want to paint the picture a little better. My son was push back not full forced pushed over, if he had been hurt there would be no need for this post because hed be gone no chances. Also if he were hurt in anyway my family would of kicked the life and soul out of him. He did push him back out of the way and yes 100% he was angry and ridiculous. My daughter is our daughter she is 3 and weve been together for 5 years and as ive said this is the first time he has ever done this, yes really! I left my ex husband when my son was 2 so he did not grow up watching that and thankfully has no bad memories. He barely remembers his dad. I was a single parent for a long time because i am fussy with who id have around my children so its not the fact hes a new partner or that i need him arpund to pay the bills, i do and have done that pretty well by myself. I work and am able to take care of my kids i wouldnt stay with anyone for financial gain.
When we got home we had a proper talk about it he said he blacked out and didnt think he was that bad. I told him he was and that the whole family also seen it so he needs to get it out of his head that it was playful. I know how this s#it starts as ive said ive been there i had 10 yrs of hell. My son and i have spoken and they are very close he said hes bot scared of him but was angry that he acted like that and he made a show of himself. Ive told the bf he has to move out and go to therapy because i cant have an eruption like that again around my kids. It was a Jersey, something small. As i said to him if i wasnt there what would of happened. If he had drink in his system what would of happened. The fact i had to explain to him why he was wrong is an issue. Why je felt it was okay to put any kind of force on my child is an issue. I dont think any sane person can go from good mood to pure anger in 0 to 60 its not okay and its not safe. For that reason i cant take any chances. Thank you for your feedback i apprieciate it. I read these back to him also he took it all in and accepted his behaviour was disgracful. He has alot of work to do on himself. Hopefully for our daughters sake he will get the help that he needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): I have three kids and one grandbaby.I tell you my husband would never ever do that.in fact if he would honest to God I would go all mama bear on him.No one assaults my children and gets to walk away like nothing ever happened.Not even a husband or father as my kids always come first.Why would you even question that? Why would you damage your relation ship with your children over a man who cannot control his temper to the point of assaulting your child in front of your family?You may not think your relationship with your kids is not damaged but I promise you with a father like this when they grow up they will be in therapy for a very long time.Your husband needs therapy to learn how to handle conflict and anger and to learn how not to treat children.If he does not do this you divorce him.Yes it seems harsh but it is better not to have mentally messed up kids and if you do nothing about this they will be.I promise you that one hundred percent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): You need to ditch this man before it goes any further. I am warning you.
I grew up around abusive relationships. My mother went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. I kid you not. ALL of them controlling, ALL of them physically and mentally abusive. Including my own father. ALL started of similarly as this man and got worse and worse.
As I grew up I became the protector of my mother and sister. Despite being female and as early AS A CHILD, I became the ‘man of the house’. I was the one who kicked these men out. I was the one who called the police. I was the one who had arguments with grown men more than double my age. I was the one who sang loudly to my little sister so she couldn’t hear the shouting. I was the one who had to check in a car to see if her boyfriend had killed himself as he had threatened to do so if she left him. I was the one who jumped on one of their backs as they beat my mom.
I was the one who ended up having a PHYSICAL fight with a grown ass man when I was 16 after he beat my mom and tried to touch my sister. It ended up him having a broken nose and me having a broken hand and various other wounds.
I went away to college and had to come back less than a year in as I found out her NEW boyfriend was abusing my mom physically and mentally. Not only that but mentally abusing my LITTLE SISTER!! My dream career was OVER!!
I ended up moving out, working 3 jobs and taking my little sister with me. Many court dates and fighting later, I became legal guardian of my sister. I
do not speak to my mom anymore. I HAD to get my sister out of there.
This is extreme compared to your situation. But take it as a cautionary tale. I would of forgiven my mom for one abusive relationship but anymore than that and you could end up damaging your relationship with your kids.
Your son had already showed his protective side towards his little sister. He has shown that he will protect her at WHATEVER cost. Just like I did. DO NOT put your son in this position - it’s too much for a child, believe me!
It’s YOUR job to protect your children, NOT your son. That is what could ultimately happen if you make excuses for and keep this man in your life.
Luckily for me my love for my sister SAVED my life. I have a good job, husband and have a very happy life. My sister is also married and is a police detective dealing with domestic abuse (wonder what made her go into that field). Without my NEED to protect her and make sure she grew into the amazing woman she is today, god knows what would of happened to me after what I went through.
I went through years of therapy before I met my husband because I became HATEFUL towards men, I didn’t trust any of them. Still struggle with it other than my husband.
Again this is extreme. All im saying is that if a man shows ANY hint of being controlling and abusive -RUN!! Not just for your sake, but for your kids sake.
These things damage kids massively as they grow older. And could damage your relationship with them if you keep them around.
Don’t put your kids through what I went through. I think you ARE smarter than that!
Find a good man, a role model for your children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): I have a 15 yr old son and I have to say, if my BF pushed my son it would be game over in that instant!
Your son will say it's no big deal because he's used to seeing you in these crap situations, that's not something you should feel okay about!
I understand the football issue but that is absolutely no reason to upset your kids. He should have waited until later to 'hide' the jersey and tell your sister 'no thanks'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Do not take the blame for any of this. He is responsible for his own actions. He is a grown-man, and that was how he reacts over a jersey? Well, God-forbid if one of the children should catch him on a bad-day! If you might step on his toes!
I feel for you, and I know that you're emotionally-attached to him. Letting someone go you think you love is painful and very difficult. Put the kids first!
This is my opinion. It is entirely up to you to do what you think is best for you and your kids. I'm on the outside looking in.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): It's a red-flag the size of a public billboard overlooking a major highway... is what it is!!!
He acted-out in-front of your family, and blatantly refused to stop. Then you're nearly making an excuse for him, claiming he's never done anything like this before. If you are in the habit of letting his outbursts go, you're in-denial! You don't know what to do??? If you've been through any experience with an angry and aggressive man, you should!!! Sorry for using so many exclamation points! Nothing gets to me like bullies against children, elderly-people, or women!
It might be a sign that you're repeating the cycle of having an overly-aggressive male-figure in your life.
HE REPEATEDLY PUSHED YOUR SON, AND MADE YOUR DAUGHTER CRY!!!
He was so confident in his behavior that he displayed his worst side in-front of your family; and disrespectfully so, right under their roof! Then he dismissed his behavior; knowing you'd just let it go, if he refused to admit it. He thinks it's no big deal, but you've never called him out for his aggression, and you'll never make me believe he never behaved like that before. You've got witnesses!
I would be humiliated, offended, and totally furious! He would be moving-out that very night. No-one would treat my kids or my family with such utter guile and abuse! I would put all his clothing in garbage bags and demand him out of my house! I'd call the police if he refused, and get every male-family member within driving-distance to come-over and escort him off the premises.
Let me guess. He pays the bills?
All this, over a stupid jersey?!! Are you kidding me??? What happens when he really gets mad???
I'm trying my best not to rant. I won't dare go any further; because nothing angers me more than abusive-men who bully children! Then having the unmitigated gall to be so arrogant that they expect their wives or girlfriends to dismiss the incident and keep them around.
You are not married to this guy. If he were your husband, it would demand family-counseling, and anger-management therapy; followed by marriage-counseling. You don't breakup the family or marriage without seeking professional or spiritual-counseling from a licensed counselor/therapist, and faith-counseling through your faith-leadership at your house of worship.
Boyfriends are disposable and replaceable! Husbands/fathers deserve a chance to redeem themselves; and if they don't change...they too have to go!
He's a boyfriend. He should be gone. He doesn't get another chance. Your children deserve better than this. Your feelings for him are no comparison to their safety and well-being!!!
If he is around by the time your son grows-up; I guarantee you that young man is going to knock the living daylights out of him. Don't be surprised if he doesn't learn to resent you for keeping a mean and aggressive man around him and his little sister!
Sorry that I had to be so harsh; but you asked for opinions, and that is mine,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): How can he dictate what is or is not a big deal to others? He has just behaved in the most terrible, outrageous fashion against CHILDREN and then justified it, saying basically that everyone's making too much of it.
NO they are not!
Your son is NOT fine with being pushed around by your new boyfriend. He is just trying to keep the peace and make you happy.
Wake up. Now! A man who will so readily physically abuse your children should not be allowed anywhere near them or you. Your family must be very worried.
You were in an abusive relationship before (as I have been) and we women who get into abusive relationships, tend to fall for the same kind of man again and again. I very much believe that you are right there again. Back with an abusive man.
Honestly, I know we can't tell you what to do, but if I knew you and saw how your boyfriend behaved around your children and that he was still allowed around them, then I'd be on to the social, letting them know the situation. Your children MUST be protected from this kind of violence and so should you. And you will suffer too, very soon, if you don't get shot of him right away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 July 2020):
This is NOT Ok
And this is NOT your son's fault. While your son did seem very determined to put that shirt on his sister, HE didn't DO anything wrong.
These are NOT your BF's children and ... they are FAR more likely to be abused or hurt by a partner who isn't related by blood. LIKE your BF. Which is WHY a single mom with kids ALWAYS need to be careful in picking a new partner.
To me, this is a no-go. He would be out on his ear, it would be over. Yes, OVER a STUPID football shirt! Or rather over HIS behavior around a shirt. Because the shirt didn't do anything HE did.
HE doesn't GET to dictate WHAT you children can wear or push your son around.
You, your kids are NOT his property. You are not subordinate to HIS likes and dislikes to a point where HIS behavior was AT ALL OK. It it does seem like this is the very tip of the iceberg with him, if he get THIS incensed over a shirt? Can you imagine how he will react to other things down the line?
What kind of example do you think this sets for your children? Even more so if you KEEP dating him after this?!
YOUR JOB!! as a mother is to ENSURE your kids are safe. He doesn't even take responsibility! It's ALL your son's fault! No, it's not.
Anyone laid a finger on my kids like that? They would be out the door so fast their heads were spinning.
And yes, I know how crazy some sports fans can be, I see it all the time over here in the US with "football" , but that does NOT excuse his behavior ONE iota.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): This is definitely a red flag OP!
He should not be putting his hands on a teenager. Let alone pulling a shirt of a young girl. This does seem like controlling behaviour. The fact that he got so defensive over a shirt is not normal behaviour.
Your children should always come first. How do you think your children will feel around this man after that? How about the rest of your family?
What will happen if someone else does something he doesn’t like?
He probably wouldn’t do that to an adult. As you said he would get knocked out. So why is it ok to do that to a teenager and 3 year old girl.
Abusive or controlling men tend to go for people they deem as weak. If the person they are trying to control isn’t weak - they break them down. Bit by bit, chipping at their self esteem and trying to scare them. If your son was a fully grown man - he wouldn’t of pushed him. He was displaying his dominance. He scared and made your 3 year old girl cry - and he STILL tried to defend his actions. A 3 year old girl!!!!
If it was just a situation where he got carried away and isn’t how he usually acts at all - then he would of apologised straight away. He would feel bad about his actions. Instead he is trying to defend himself and apologising because you told him too. In fact he wouldn’t of done it in the first place!
So what is he going to do next that he doesn’t ‘see what the issue is’?
How far can this go?
I would never date a man who treated my children like this. You said you’ve been in an abusive relationship before OP. You know how this works. He did something bad and he tried to BLAME YOUR SON. ‘He shouldn’t of pushed me to it’ - those are the famous words of abusers. Blaming others for THEIR actions. It’s always someone else’s fault.
Your 15 year old son should not be having to defend his 3 year old sister from your boyfriend.
You know what you need to do OP
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 July 2020):
 I think you are right to worry. This sort of happening would have me re-evaluating the whole relationship.
What is going to happen the next time your teenage son does something your boyfriend does not agree with? Is it going to eventually escalate into physical violence? Your son is being very forgiving and mature about the situation but, as he gets older, he will probably, like most teenagers, push the boundaries more and more. Your boyfriend seems unable to handle anyone challenging his "state of supremacy" in the family. This does not bode well.
Your family also now know what sort of a man your boyfriend is and are unlikely to feel comfortable around him.
I would advise thinking long and hard about what happened and looking closer at your whole relationship. Your first loyalty should be to your children. Your teenager should not be subjected to being pushed around by your boyfriend. This will only escalate over the coming years.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I have a bad gut feeling about anyone who overreacts about something as trivial as a jumper on a 3 year old.
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