A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for over 18 years, married almost 16.My husband is passive aggressive and is 51 years old and I am 47.We have always gotten along well, though he always had the tendency to internalize things, and we overall communicated ok, but of course it could have been better. He raised my daughter as his own since she was 2 years old! He had a bad childhood, abandoment issues, his mother didn't nurture him, but I really never thought it affected him, besides him overcompensating with our daughter, she seemed to always come first and she was always involved in sports.2004 my son from a previous marriage who was 22 committed suicide, I grieved for almost three years, trying to find my way in a new personal journey in my life.I was just beginning to thrive, not yet knowing the person I became through all of this, and he dropped the bomb on me, saying he was tired of being told what to do all his life, and it wasn't me it was him! Red Flag... I asked plenty times if there was someone else and he said no.He told me he would always love me and our daughter, and would always take care of us. He said he was analyzing a lot things, though could never specifically tell what! He told me he never lived by himself and wanted to! I felt his justifications for wanting to move out was not good enough for an 18 year relationship. He got way after he started to prey on my vulnerablilites, with holding affection, and rejecting me! I caught him a couple times out his wedding band on, and this was something we both held sacred for over a decade. The last time I saw him without his ring I told him "I was done!" He moved out for 2 months and said he wanted to come home and work on our relationship. Well there was no honeymoon! And I found that he had an emotional affair on me and I know he met up with her in CA. I have a feeling it was more than once. He admitted he had gotten a credit card that we both agreed never to have again, and had purchased a plane ticket that hadn't been used. He stayed home for almost 3 months and though I expressed my needs of intimacy, he deliberately with held them from me! Like he was paying me back for his own mistakes. Before he moved back home he told me he that the other woman, who lived out of state, that he couldn't have anything to do with her anymore.He obviously did not work on his problems and then within 3 months he left again. During time he was home I noticed a real change in him! Not treating me as his wife or partner, and started to make decisons on his own, had opened his own account in his name, and took upon himself to change the automatic withdrawls in his account.He has been living at a friends house and is paying all the bills but the utilities and 2 of my debts. He has given me no hope of reconciliation, and has become aggressive, and doesn't think what he says to me, before he says them! And has basically destroyed me. He has told me he doesn't want a divorce and he is finding out who he really is! He only took his clothes and a few things and told me he is no longer materialistic and that everything is mine! I have mentioned divorce with all the hurt, anger, and fear I have of losing him, which I shouldn't but I have always been a care taker, and he was fine with it, up to about 6 months ago, so he stripped me of my identity as a wife as well! He started accusing me of doing things for him, like cooking! I hated cooking but after I retired I started really enjoying it! And no I am not going to just cook for myself, and my daughter who is moving soon, is never home!I ask him what he wants from me and he tells nothing! I am so depressed and though he isn't perfect nor am I. I really thought we would weather any storm that came our way. Not only have I lost my son, I lost my husband too. He wants to be alone, and has told me that he doesn't want to be committed nor does he want the responsiblity, but if something happens or needs to be fixed, he always comes home to take care of it.The first time he moved out, he literally drove me nuts, he would call constantly, first the house phone, than my cell phone, after he repeated that several times, he would call our daughter. He would come back forth every weekend and sometimes during the week.This time he doesn't call that often, will text once in a while, and inconsistantly comes over on the weekends. This also has really messed with my self esteem. He now has roommates, so I am sure they keep him somewhat occupied, even though he isn't a drinker or really of things he used to do! He is a workaholic, and I understand that, and we worked for the same place, so I know about the demands of his job. He will compare his new found aggressiveness, which I explain that he needs to learn how to be assertive and also needs to learn how to communicate with me, because he always leaves open ended sentences or statements. So my mind goes wild! He takes everything as a threat from me, and will compare how he would react to certain situations at work, like he reacts to me! And throughout our marriage we have never thrown the past in each others faces! And now he has no problem doing it. I am to the point where I can't even express my feelings, even though I have said the same things over and over, he now uses them against me!He even told me he should divorce me, so I can start healing! I told him he couldn't make any of his own postive decisions, and not to tell me what I needed! Because I need him home! He also wants me to jump and get a life, and get out more, because we have always been homebodies! My husband is not social whatsoever, he always wanted to isolate from people because that is all he dealt with at work, so of course I was more social but still ended up being a lot like him. I tell him I make my own changes in my own time not his.I continue to think something is going on! Obviously there isn't much trust since what he was doing the last time he moved! He spent over 44 thousand minutes on the cell phone with this woman, and it started in Sept of 07. I don't have any hope, and the fear of starting all over again, makes me panick! You work so hard for nice things, a nice home, and it is our home! But he doesn't care! He has really become self centered and egotistical! He did start counseling when he moved back home the first time, and to my knowledge he goes once a week.He told that he wants to be independent and do things on his own, like window shopping or whatever? He tells me these things, not living at home, an it is the first time I have ever heard this out of his mouth. I guess I was suppose to read his mind that too! And I have problem with him doing whatever, God forbid he is a man and really gets on my nerves! So the more we talk the more B.S. he feeds me, and the more accusations he makes, and is so irrational. He may now have the aggresive part of him coming out, but still refuses to deal with any type of confrontation.Help Me!!!!!!!I don't think he is coming home, and he tells me he has been unhappy for years, because I would not listen. I ask about what because he told me anything, he told me he knew I read him subtely! My life is over!! Pretty much!! He was my third marriage and I feel that three times is a charm, or three strikes your out. And by no means will I trust a man again, especially when he turns on you after 16 plus years. You never know a person! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man! He has so many good qualities and has taught me a lot! The way he betrayed me and has hurt me, I could never do that to him! I took of him better than any typical wife would!I have done everything I possible could to be a good wife, I knew worked hard and I did too, but he still got all the expensive toys, I supported all his decisions, and all his bad experiences as well! And I am left with the consilation prize, of living in a huge home and maintaining the house and yard, while he does nothing but pay the bills.
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affair, at work, debt, depressed, divorce, living at home, moved out, roommate, self esteem, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, roybatty +, writes (5 February 2009):
It's hard to help through a message board, but you really need to find a way to calm yourself. You are very vulnerable right now. Be very careful about making any rash decisions. You have to really ask yourself if you want this marriage or not. My wife's infidelity made my world colapse around me. Fortunately we found a road to recovery fairly quickly, but I'm still not sure that she gets everything. And just to be honest with you, I'm not a saint myself. I've done the very same thing to other women. I found out though, that it hurts and hurts badly. I had to make many changes in my life to be a better husband. Please seek out help. And help that doesn't push you one way or another, just support. I advise Marriage Builders because if you search their forums... somebody is bound to have the same situation you have. If you post in the General Questions II forum, somebody will help you for sure as they like to respond to new forum members. It's tough to be the betrayed spouse because it seems that no matter what you do, it's not good enough. Also check out the book, "Surviving An Affair" that's listed in the bookstore on marriage builders. It's non-judgemental and it really aids in seeing things clearly. I seriously feel for you in your pain.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank both of you for your kind words!
I wouldn't doubt he is having an affair, especially how I really don't hear from him anymore!
I don't get anything from talking, since he now tends to throw everything in my face, anything he can think of! But then he is nice to me. I thought it was midlife crisis as well and did a lot research, but I really think is aggressive side is coming out after all these years, and I don't know what to do anymore!
He tells me wants to alone, and there is no one else. I told him I would leave him alone, and really don't call him!
I looked just a bit at the web site suggested and I am truly codepentent! But I am a very strong person as well! I have my limits!
If he can be so honest with all the BS he tells me, why doesn't come clean! Even when I caught him last time, he wouldn't come clean! And still denies my suspicions!
I have had a lot more life experience then he has, and I am not dumb! But he won't say anything!
I am so afraid to start over and be alone (that is one of my Mother's threats that I would end up being all alone) so put emotional abuse from my Mother in the emotional scheme of things and I am pretty screwed up.
I have therpist who was wonderful in guiding me with the death my son, but she knows my husband, and everyone just thinks he is wonderful! So I am always being told to hang in there and work it out!
Were the type of couple that people went in shock, when I told them we had separated the first time. He tells no one, and acts like life is great! The fake side of him.
I was reading my horoscope and when your desparate you will read anything, and this one website seems to really be accurate in my mind, with all the things going on. Yesterday it said something like, you need to make up your mind and let everyone know the huge change that is going to happen in your life!
He always accuses me of thinking too much, and letting my mind over, but the funny is, usually it's the truth.
I was looking at roommates last night, and there were a couple of people that I thought would be ok. But I truthfully don't want people living here, when I think about it I feel somewhat violated. And I also think that my husband will come home, but in reality I know he's not.
I am retired, bought military time, worked for the state so I at least money coming in! This is very selfish of me, but I have worked since I was 14 years old, and did odd jobs for money, when I was younger than that! What I am saying is I don't want to work! I don't have a degree and with the economy even if I found something it wouldn't pay squat!
I really need to get a life and get out of the house, I have been researching things, but haven't found much! I have 4 classes left to take, to try to get in to the nursing program, and the reason I quit going to school, and don't want to go back, is because there is a 2 year waiting list. I have looked at degrees with the community college, and most of them end up having to go the university, which is very expensive.
After losing my son I would talk to anyone who would listen, until I quit just quit talking period, and became withdrawn and isolated myself! Because I realized it was my own personal journey and I am doing thing with all this crap with my husband!
I can't even compare the grief of my son and husband. Sometimes I think worse than I did with my son, but I realize I was much worse with my son! And though divorce you go through the same stages of grief, just the thought of him living and being with someone else, kills me! And that why I want the house because I don't want some woman moving in to my home, where I worked so hard!
Sorry to go on and on! I am just devastated and really feel panick, especially when he said he was going to divorce me. That means I lose medical insurance, and I know that I would get spousal support, or would hope to, but yet I feel I couldn't do that to him! I am so stupid!
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A
male
reader, roybatty +, writes (5 February 2009):
Your husband is in the wayward spouse fog. His affair is most likely continuing. There are things you can do to salvage your marriage if you really want to save it. I don't know if I'll get in trouble for plugging another website, but get over to marriagebuilders.com and and check out what they have to offer. They have very active forums with people who are experiencing exactly what you are going through. This is the most difficult time of your life. There are so many people dealing with your exact situation. I went through it 2 months ago. It tears your heart out. I hope the best for you.
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