A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I was engaged to a guy and we broke up a year ago. So, my ex is military he moved to Germany while I live in the U.S. it was a toxic relationship. When he was in the U.S. him and I we’re together for two years. We broke up and got back together a lot when him and I broke up he would come to my job, my church or my home. And he would leave things on my car (gifts) because he knows I am the type of person that will say thank you. One time he even followed me to grocery store he was sitting down by my car and he told me to not freak out. After he moved the staking stopped.Now, it’s been a year I have him blocked on all social media and on my phone. My ex texted my mom and he sent me flowers to my home twice. He has my address and he sends me letters and cards for my birthday. He said he won’t stop when I text him to say thank you he then went on to say is it necessary to keep his number blocked I said yes!!! He then said the only way to contact you is through mail and he got mad. I am trying to move on with my life he even through in that he was dating someone in Germany but it don’t work because he couldn’t get me off his mind!! My thing is I just want to be left alone I don’t want to say thank you for the gifts he sends. And I do not why he would throw it in my face that he stared dating. On my end I’m trying to get him to leave me alone. I’m trying to move on with my life I truly am I have never had ex like this before.
View related questions:
broke up, engaged, flowers, got back together, military, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (10 December 2018):
The next time this dangerous stalker sends you anything: flowers, cards or candy anything do not accept it. If he sends you flowers do not accept them. If he sends you a card write RETURN TO SENDER on it and drop it in the nearest mailbox. Tell your mother and any other relatives not to take his calls. Find a lawyer to send him a cease and desist letter telling him not to contact you again.
You say he knows where you live. Move and leave your landlord no forwarding address.
Call The Hotline.org a national organization that is working to stamp out domestic violence. They will be able to advise you because believe me this guy is dangerous.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (9 December 2018):
 STOP thanking him. They are not gifts if they are unwanted. He is harassing you, keep him blocked on everything, do not contact him for any reason whatsoever.
If he turns up to your house unwarranted or follows you in public, I would make a note of all these instances and file a police report for harrassment. This has the possibility of turning dangerous and you don’t know which road this could go down. I would consider installing CCTV cameras at home that could be used as evidence in his unsolicited visits to your home.
This guy sounds like an absolute creep. He probably thinks what he’s doing is romantic. It couldn’t be further from it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 December 2018):
 Why are you thanking him for unwanted gifts and attention? This is not manners; it is MADNESS.
Your mum needs to block him as well.
In your shoes I would send him one last text, something along the lines of: "Any future gifts from you will be photographed as evidence and then binned. If you don't stop harassing me, I will take all the evidence to the police and take out a restraining order against you. Understand that your gifts are NOT wanted and NOT welcome. I do NOT want ANY contact from you in any way, shape or form. This will be the last time I contact you directly. If you still persist in contacting me after this, the next contact you receive will be via solicitors."
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2018):
 My advice,
If you DO NOT take some serious actions, this can escalate into something VERY unsafe. YOU need to make sure that you inform him as "clinical" as possible that you want NO further contact. And if it doesn't stop you will go through the Police and HIS military unit.
First, have your MOM block his number. He shouldn't be using your mom to get to you. And you NEED to make sure she understands that you WANT nothing to do with him. It's over, she ISN'T helping YOU by feeding his stalker behavior.
Secondly if you HAVE his address, send a letter telling him to STOP contacting you, that you want NO more flower, no NOTHING from him. I would even put in the cards and letters he has sent you already, if you have kept them.
Even better, if you know his UNIT in Germany send it C/O (care off) his First Sgt. or CO (Commanding officer).
which means if you don't know their names you write:
to Bob Bob (your ex-bf's name)
C/O The first Sgt. of 2-4 (or which ever unit he is in)
APO address
It's going to be hard to track down his CO or First Sgt without a name if you are trying to call any military installation. but again, IF you know his unit AND which post he is stationed at - look up the ACS for that post and call them. They might be able to help you connect to his CO/First Sgt. (as they have a list of post phone numbers)
You might consider BEFORE mailing him a letter - to CALL your local police station and ASK what the best way to do this is. SO you have the "right" paper-trail. Or contacting the MP's (military Police) on his former post (when he was stationed in the US). I would venture a guess that your local police can help you with that if they deem it a good move.
You DO NOT owe him ANYTHING, OK OP. You don't OWE him a "thank you" for flowers you didn't want or a birthday card you didn't want.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 December 2018):
 I second absolutely every single thing that Uncle Wise Owle has said. Call his base, file a complaint and then see what happens. You haven't acted strongly enough and you're also being rather foolish in dealing with him. You don't need to be told that you owe him nothing... You should know that yourself. This nonsense about thanking him is beyond childish!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2018): EDIT:
"It seems you might have to get a restraining order."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2018): I seems you might have to get a restraining order. He hasn't really done anything harmful; he's staying just on the fringe of the law. The relationship was toxic; so you have justifiable reason to seek the restraining order.
Collect the gifts and give them to a charity, or your church. Ship them back to him at the base.
Stop thanking him. You thank people for giving you things you intend to accept or keep. Not when they are being forced upon you; with the intent to bribe, or buy your time and attention.
I've never heard of a "compulsive-thanker!" As if you don't thank somebody, your head will explode! Will you breakout in hives? You're so nice you can't repel the actions of someone you consider toxic???
Yes, you're getting a little tough-love from me! Time to get serious! This guy is ignoring your rejection!
You obviously haven't informed your mother the guy is toxic. You're not being totally honest or forthcoming with us either. I know when an OP is leaving out something; and in this case you are! I suspect you start to miss him, and you accept the gifts. You feel sorry for him!
You're not really going out of your way to make him leave you alone. Otherwise, you would involve law enforcement and file complaints with the military police.
Truth is, he IS stalking you!!! If he tracks down your address and sends you things! Consider them a veiled-threat! They mean you can run, but you can't hide! They are passive-aggressive threats, not enticements to get you back. It means he's not taking no for an answer, and making sure you're too rattled or unsettled to start another relationship with anyone else. There is a method to his madness, my dear!
Inadvertently or subconsciously; you may not want him to stop, or feel a little jealous to know he's dating someone else. So maybe you purposely leave a crack in door, to let him know you haven't completely shut him out! You're human, I'm not beating you up. I'm reading between the lines; so I have to rely on experience, and my gut-feeling.
If any of this isn't true, stop leaving him an opening.
He knows you, and he's not taking you seriously for a reason. Stalking boyfriends usually know when they're getting through to you; unless you take serious action to show you've had enough, and want nothing more to do with them. It takes drastic-action to make a point. It could mean your safety someday!
If he comes on your job, he is proving himself a nuisance and a threat to other employees. You are an enabler by acting like you're so nice you can't put your foot down; and take serious action to make a guy leave you alone.
If you write for advice, it's pointless if you don't use it.
He is active-military. All you have to do is call his base, give his name and rank; file a complaint with base security that he is pestering you, and the military takes immediate action. They will also insist he goes to psych-counseling; or place him under psychological-evaluation in consideration of a dishonorable discharge. Harassing civilians and domestic violence is against the military code of conduct.
If you don't take any serious action; and just keep writing for advice, what's the point? Is it that you like his gifts or attention? Do you really want him to stop?
He'll stop when he knows you're serious about it. When you take the action I recommended above, you'll see results.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 December 2018):
 I remember your first contact with this site, when he left flowers on your car. I am surprised he is still stalking you after all this time. I don't want to be an alarmist but he sounds like he could get dangerous. You are under NO OBLIGATION to say thankyou or anything else. All I can suggest is seeking legal advise and maybe having a letter written, or a court order to stop stalking you.
There may also be a woman's group who will be able to advise, maybe contact a DV group in your city or state and ask them if they have any suggestions or if they can refer you to somebody.
I hope you can sort this out sooner rather than later.
...............................
|
