A
male
age
30-35,
*ylan co
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. I am feeling pretty low in the relationship because of an issue which has been bothering me for nearly a year. I can only make her cum at most about 1x a month and we have an active sex life.She masturbates and is multi orgasmic. She uses a technique of crossing her legs and squeezing. I've only seen this a couple of times and if I ask to see it, I receive a flat refusal.I feel rejected and hurt at the exclusion. I want her to 'feel great' and to hopefully share in her feeling amazing but cannot as she rarely orgasms from vaginal intercourse.As its been nearly a year I'm close to leaving her. I have had none and expect no closure on this. I've tried to ask her about cross legs and what she likes less than a handul of times this year and she doesn't want to talk about it.If this is essentially the only way she cums and I am not allowed to ever 'share the experience' then I don't think that I can stay with her anymore.I don't even know what I'm asking, just any advice would be appreciated.
View related questions:
orgasm, sex life, vagina Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Love n relationships r NOT based on satisfying any/n or all sexual fantasy's one desires. All couples would like to "O" together during penetrating intercourse n at the same time, yet we all know this is more the occasional than the norm. As many have explained we women have been taught very differently about our self sexually then men r so its quite unreasonable (in my opinion) for you to base your love and future ...on u watching her achieve the most personal n somewhat difficult intimate "O" 'S' for most females in the first place.For me personally its embarrassing b/c of the things my body does w/o my control...ie shaking, moaning whatever. Its different with men but I bet u one thing, if u masturbated in front of her u will at very least b self conscious n it will never feel the same as when u r alone.The simple fact here is really about one thing. PRIVACY. Everyone needs it, n everyone/most anyone, can satisfy themselves better, n surely FASTER then anyone else can. So please consider her feelings b/c what your asking of her is way otta line n she may b the one to leave YOU if u continue to badger her. Think of it this way. Whatever u want her or anyone else in the world to NEVER see YOU do n YOU HOLD PRIVATE, do u want that shared for her satisfaction? Also what if her fantasy is to do the absolute most unthinkable sexual situation with ...... or .... or ..... and she wants to watch so SHE can b satisfied. Are u cringing yet? Well just b careful what u ask for b/c I walked in on my hub once n lets jus say I can never un-see that !! Either love that she's a MO multi-O girl n hope in the distant future as your relationship evolves n communication B4, DURING, AND AFTER sex is shared, u may end up learning to do a few tricks she may be up for. Start slower. Your asking for a porn show from your gf n VERY few women would ever do that for their man until many years trust has been established n then sometimes not even then.One last thing. U may wana tread MUCH lighter on this subject then u have in the past b/c insisting on ONLY SATISFYING YOU'RE DESIRES may lead to adding problems to your sex life that weren't there b4 this. When I was with a man I felt a lot of passion n desire for..... several times he "hushed" n "shhhhhhd" me, telling me not to make noise b/c of a somewhat small apt. I guess it was understandable but even after he moved to another place or if we were in another location... I could no longer verbally express my DELIGHT. I was so uncertain as to if I had turned him off or embarrassed him or what in those early days, that I learned to hold so so much back. Communicate, explore boundrys n learn each others body's n ways, things u each like etc.. give it time or make a change if she is not the one. Good LUck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Really? You love her less because of this?Sexuality can be a very personal and private thing for many people. Especially if they have had past issues with the topic like the beliefs they were raised with or bad experiences. Being put on the spot in sexual situations, being watched and evaluated and judged, can feel very threatening and undesirable and cause them to put up even more walls around themselves. If your partner is as open about their sexuality as you are it could be due to their simply being unable to because it provokes psychological or emotional discomfort. The more you push and try to get her to open up to you, the more her defends mechanisms and inhibitions kick in, at least around you. She associates you with causing her feelings of psychological discomfort and once she has started to feel that way about you, opening up more to you is the last thing she wants to do as it feels scary and threatening to let your guard down around someone you don't feel comfortable with.A relationship should be a safe place for people to be who they are and not have to be provoked into intense feelings of psychological discomfort. A person who has issues has to slowly come out of their shell at their pace and that can only happen if they see the relationship or having sex as a consistently positive experience. Pressuring someone to respond in ways that don't come natural to them at this point in their life is a sure way to make sex an "unsafe" and distasteful activity for that person and lead them to dislike having sex (with you, at least... sex by itself can still be pleasurable to them under different circumstances) . I would ask you why must you require her to be so open in order to feel adequate about YOURSELF?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): It isn't selfish to want to be happy in your relationship but you are taking a very self centered approach to this relationship. People have told you that many women can't orgasm with their partners and it is not by choice. It is physiology. Yet you persist in insisting she has to be the way you want. You're unwilling to actually relate to her in the way she actually can (as in having a real sexual relationship) instead you must have things looking a certain way. It seems you care more that she live up to a certain fantasy than what she actually is like. This is all about you and the need to fulfill your fantasy, and your low self esteem gettimg linked to the inability to play out that fantasy, rather than relating to the actual person in front of you. She is not a vehicle by which to boost your low self esteem! It isn't fair to say "you had better enjoy what I say you should enjoy or else I will insist on interpreting it as a rejection of my worth and I will feel hurt and depressed because of you." When your self esteem is riding on your partner responding exactly the way you want, then you leave no room for an actual honest and authentic sexual bond to ever take place because sex becomes primarily a proving ground for your sense of self worth and who you're having sex with, in all their uniqueness and complexity, is secondary. It is a horrible way to be in a relationship as you have found because now the stakes are so high (your entire self worth depends on it) so how can anyone possibly see sex as being actually fun and enjoyable?? and it also puts a heavy burden onto her that she can't fulfill (because we are talking physiology here) thus she will withdraw and go into avoidance. You were the cause of this dynamic starting so you are the only one who can change it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (22 August 2013):
 p.s. please don't think that she "refuses" - that's not what's happening here, from what I understand. It's more likely that she just can't, and knowing how much it means to you, it makes HER more anxious. Back to the vicious cycle.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (22 August 2013):
Dylan, I go back to what I said before about stage fright. I highly doubt she's unwilling to "share" her orgasms with you, but something is holding her back psychologically. She's not 100% comfortable. She's not withholding to punish or insult you in any way.
I get your frustration, and I get her frustration, too. Women and men are so very different when it comes to coming ....
I know I previously advised that you don't mention it again, because I believed the stress she must feel at having to 'perform' was making it worse, but I think your relationship deserves an honest heart to heart about this before you just quit.
But please always remember that a woman's ability (or lack thereof) to orgasm is complicated and not necessarily a reflection on the man she's with.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 August 2013):
 I agree with Tisha... the issue is not that she won't "share her orgasms" with you.. the issue is that you two do NOT communicate about this (and possibly other things)
IF you can't communicate about this and it bothers you so badly.. then yes end the relationship. BUT consider some therapy for yourself to determine why you are so adamant that you must "SHARE her orgasms"
also consider that if you are having sex more than once a week that maybe her sex drive is lower than yours and she has NO need to initiate since you always do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 August 2013):
 The crux of it is what you just wrote: "my gf and I have no communication on this so I don't see how my anxieties can resolve."
Decide if you want to work on the communication or not. If you choose to work on it, then you will have to let go of some ingrained beliefs. If you choose not to work on communication with her, do yourself a favor and end the relationship now. It's been bothering you for this long and making you lose sleep, wrecks your concentration and alters your uni grade.
If she won't engage you on this, refuses to discuss it, then I think you have no choice. She is not compatible with you sexually, if you feel you HAVE to witness her orgasms and she doesn't feel the same way.
It would be a real pity to have you back here in a year with the same exact problem.
Show her this thread. What do you have to lose?
...............................
A
male
reader, dylan co +, writes (22 August 2013):
dylan co is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have reposted this but mainly because I don't want to end an otherwise mostly good relationship.I may have put it crudely, but that's still the fact. And I think I've exaggerated the amount that we have sex. She never initiates( even if we haven't had sex for a while) but I will try not initiating for a while, but as she never initiates it also makes me wonder if she really enjoys it.This has affected me from areas of my sleep to concentration and my uni grades are starting to slip. I know it's sad and pathetic that this is bothering me like this, but my gf and I have no communication on this so I don't see how my anxieties can resolve.And you all say that if I left her then I would just leave all my future gfs, but you are ignoring that most women don't masturbate by crossing their legs and squeezing and for me this is more about being able to ever 'share her o' and not 'iI must be the one to give her an o'.And from her perspective, she knows she only comes from masturbation, but she refuses to let me ever see it and so in 2 years I've rarely seen my gf come.Maybe I am being selfish, but if I have a gf who is multiorgasmic and as her bf I have no part in activating or just alone witnessing this, then I don't want her as my gf.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 August 2013):
"Once a month isn't a good return in my eyes". Sigh. OP, it's not about that. That sounds like a horrible business transaction.
You need her orgasms to validate yourself, boost your ego?
I am sorry that your whole relationship and personal wellbeing is centred around this one issue, but I cannot for the life of me work out why this is causing you anxiety?
As you've been told, many women find it difficult to orgasm. It is no reflection on you necessarily. So yes, in that respect you are being selfish, shifting the focus onto yourself rather than trying to understanding her perspective.
Really OP, this is the most ridiculous reason to end an otherwise happy relationship and I feel there is a lot more to it than you are letting on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2013):
"Is it really that selfish of me to want to be happy in my relationship?" Of course not. As long as you extend the same courtesy to her.
So, who gets to be the most selfish? Sounds like you took a vote and decided it was….. YOU!
"As it stands I feel extremely low and its starting to affect me in other areas of life." How is it affecting you, exactly?
"We have sex about once or twice a day so once a month isn't a good return in my eyes. I'm not expecting a porn reaction don't be ridiculous."
So you aren't low because you have sex 45 times a month…. you reach orgasm? She reaches orgasm (in her own way)?
Men around the world are on their feet applauding your luck. You have a woman who is willing to have intercourse with you 45 times a month! That's so much more than the average…
"In terms of technique, I do use lots of foreplay and always use my hands and tongue first. She doesn't want to use toys sso I haven't asked again."
I'm pretty sure I've given this same advice to you in the past, along with many other aunts who have given you their best advice, but try this. Let her initiate sex and whatever happens for at least a month.
That means you may have to quietly masturbate for a bit until she has time to readjust to the realization that you are willing to allow her to set the sexual agenda.
You feel rejected, and she has sex with you 45 times a month. Wow.
End the relationship. She's not the sexual partner for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 August 2013):
 I'm trying to tell you guys that this poster has posted this numerous times, he's gotten many great responses and suggestions yet here he is again...he isn't really looking for help.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 August 2013):
OP, if you leave this woman, the probability exists that you will find yet ANOTHER woman who does not orgasm from penetration alone or even from anything you can or will do.
I agree you need to figure out that a woman's enjoyment of an intimate experience is NOT based on her orgasm.
Until you can accept this, you will NOT find happiness with a woman sexually.
If everything else is ok in the relationship, I STRONGLY urge you to GET A GRIP on your mind and yourself and figure out how to talk to her to understand what she is FEELING..
YOU cannot assume that she is not happy... ASK HER... if she tells you she's happy, then BELIEVE her...
My husband cannot bring me to orgasm. We both accept this and find other ways to be close and intimate... and trust me it's not worth throwing away a perfectly good relationship over something HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER.
IF you leave this woman over her sexual response issues, either you are using it as a smoke screen to get out of a relationship with OTHER issues or you will have to leave most of the women you end up with....
...............................
A
male
reader, dylan co +, writes (20 August 2013):
dylan co is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I want to address from my point of view some of what you say. I don't put her under pressure, I haven't mentioned this issue to her in 5 months and I believe that she is unaware of my anxiety.
Is it really that selfish of me to want to be happy in my relationship? As it stands I feel extremely low and its starting to affect me in other areas of life. We have sex about once or twice a day so once a month isn't a good return in my eyes. I'm not expecting a porn reaction don't be ridiculous.
In terms of technique, I do use lots of foreplay and always use my hands and tongue first. She doesn't want to use toys sso I haven't asked again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2013):
 I thought you decided to end it with her because she wouldn't "share" her masturbation with you?
I don't think you really understand female sexual enjoyment - I know it's not what you want to hear, but it doesn't revolve around your ego or your penis.
It revolves around the INTIMACY between the two of you.
Do some reading up on CLITORAL stimuli...... LEARN to use your hand, fingers and mouth.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 August 2013):
You aren't going to get the answer you want from this site, quit posting.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 August 2013):
The better question is "is she satisfied?" Some women have issues cumming, there's no two ways about it. If she has perfected her techniques to the point that she can only cum that way then it's too bad.
But if she seems satisfied with you, then there's no reason you should feel this way; its actually pretty selfish considering were talking about her satisfaction, not yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): I think I remember seeing you post about this before? Apologies if it wasn't you but my advice is the same either way. Women and men are completely different when it comes to orgasms. It's very difficult for us to get there and we are often happy not orgasming every time we have sex because it's still very enjoyable. Men flat out do not understand this, but it's the case with almost all women I know. In fact some women can't seem to orgasm AT ALL so your girlfriend is lucky in that respect. So basically even if you do leave her, the chances are you will have the exact same issue with all girlfriends after her too. I'm also not surprised at all that she doesn't want to masturbate for you. I can't think of anything worse tbh, and with the 'leg squeezing' technique there would be nothing to see anyway. It's very subtle. Dude you have to realise that this isn't all about you. You are putting her under tremendous pressure to orgasm for you when she is clearly happy with how things are. Her orgasms are her business and you can't force her to have them because of some missguided inadequacy issues you have about this. Just because you are with her doesn't mean you own her orgasms and have a right to see them. The real question is do you love her? Because it seems to me that no-one in their right mind would throw a good relationship away over something like this. It sounds like its maybe an excuse to leave her to me.PS - if you're expecting a porn star type orgasm every time you have sex then please know its a myth. NO women act like that in real life unless they are faking it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (19 August 2013):
I agree with the posts below. The other thing to consider is that some women get stage fright about having an orgasm in front of their partner. If you are pushing for her to 'share' this with you, and she literally can't, it will only increase her anxiety and make it less likely for her to reach orgasm. Vicious circle.
OP, don't take it so personally. It's not a reflection on you. Maybe if you stop all pressure (don't mention it ever again - she already knows!), she'll eventually relax and it'll happen. Maybe try positions like spooning where she can cross her legs during sex; or any position where she or you can stimulate her clitoris.
She is not rejecting you or intentionally hurting you. Some women simply find it very difficult to orgasm, more so when under pressure. That she can come with you once a month is a lot better than nothing ... and at least she's being honest and not faking it.
Good luck. Hope an Uncle chips in here and reassures you.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 August 2013):
 For a lot of women, clitoral stimulation is a private act because we had been shamed by parents, forcing us to hide and do it when no one else notices. I understand that you want to experience a woman's orgasm, but leaving her over this when everything else in the relationship is fine seems to be overreacting. Sure there are women who can orgasm easily and are open to share them. She does not masturbate in front of you not because you don't turn her on, but because she is uncomfortable with it. You can try oral or toys with her.
Some women are very particular on how to achieve orgasms. I should say men too, they need a certain position or grip to cum. For her, maybe she is not able to cum when someone's watching. And that becomes a problem for you when you suspect she's not getting off of you, but someone figure in her imagination.
You are free to make your choices. It may open up your eyes to see a woman cum, voluntarily for you or you may realize that orgasms are overrated. Love is hard to come by so I would not leave just because I can't see my partner cum.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 August 2013):
 Very very few women can orgasm from vaginal penetration. So relying on that would cause frustration to nearly any couple. My advice would be to try things like oral on her, getting a toy to use on her, and fingers to see if that can help her orgasm without the cross legs technique.
...............................
|
