A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi please don't judge me for this :I am seriously thinking about putting my 2 year old up for adoption. I love her but I am not the mother I hoped to be or she deserves. I cry on a daily basis, find myself snapping at her. The burst into tears as she doesn't need me stressed out all the time.I can't cope and think a family who can deserves her more than me.Problem is my family + God parents would disown me if I did. Even though none of them are willing to baby sit or help.I am also on my own, her father sends money for her but doesn't visit.I haven't had even 1min without her never mind a babysitter for an hour or so no one wants to help and I'm tired and stressed all the time.Nursery is not an option until she's 3, the thought of giving her up breaks my heart, I cook, clean make sure she has everything but its not fair I keep snapping at her! She needs better than me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2015): I am not a parent but I am an uncle to three boisterous nephews, and I have to say that your family should be ashamed of themselves. My sister and her hubby divorced (not that he was much of a father) and he has since moved away with work, but she has our parents, myself and our brother to call on for help with babysitting or taking the boys for a weekend, or what have you when she has things on or just needs a little break.She has been dealing with depression as well (due to all the crap her ex was throwing before, during and after the split), but she saw the doctor and is on medication to help. It really does 'take a village', with the first stop being your family and godparents. Tell them you need help, even if you burst into tears telling them, they need to see that you need them now as much (if not more) as you've ever needed them in the past.I'd advise you go and speak to your GP, they might be able to refer you to a counsellor you can talk to about the difficulties you are having.You've taken the first step, just keep going.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): I am in the uk and for 2 year olds you will be entitled to 15 hours a week free nursery over 38 weeks of the year , plus don't forget to see your doctor your doing a great job and knowing your stressed and feeling like you can't cope is the first step to getting yourself sorted take small steps and you will get there
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): In the uk I am certain that the funding for free nursery/play group places has been changed to include 2 year olds.You need to give yourself some credit for getting this far on your own, no wonder you are upset and tired it cannot have been easy.For some help; go on google and look up your local Children's Centre. They are there to help ANY parent, you can go in and talk about what help you are eligible for and they run mother and child groups too. I think it's really important you connect with other mums and your child gets to interact with some other children. It'll get you both out and you'll feel better for it.Secondly, visit your doctor. Talk about how you are feeling and struggling and that you're overwhelmed on your own. Snapping and having low thoughts could be depression, but it's also a sign of stress. Herbal tablets like Kalms might be recommended to try first, but keep going back to the doctor if you're not feeling better.You clearly love you child and you equally need a break from her. Visit your local children's centre and see what they have on offer, you can talk to staff there and get some much needed support.
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A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (28 January 2015):
 You are a good mother and I can tell by reading this post.
1 - you realize you need some help
2 - The post is all about what you daughter needs
3 - above all you love her
Then you mention you are scared to hurt your family by telling them this again putting them first!
You need to think about yourself and taking care of yourself to be the mum you want to be, your no use to her if you aren't and end up ill, which I think you ate depressed. Sorry I hope that didnt come over too harsh.
The other posters are correct first go to your Doctor, tell them honestly how you feel, tell your family you need their support. Go along to mother & toddler groups and I bet you every mother there at some point has felt stressed, grumpy at times.
I am a Nursery Teacher so please feel free to inbox me if you need to, but do go and speak to the people I have suggested also.
To the poster that slammed you down, don't listen, if they have no experience of having Children, post natal depression or any struggles as a single mum. They don't understand where you are coming from and shouldn't have posted.
Stay strong, your Child just wants their Mummy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 January 2015):
 I remember the first 18 months with my oldest. Hubby was gone a LOT (work) and then we relocated, he went ahead and we followed later. My oldest was colicky from maybe 4 months? all the way till 18 months. She RARELY slept more then 3 hours in one stretch, she took FOREVER to eat, ate often and cried for hours. As she was my first, I tried to get house work done when she was sleeping (instead of napping) and it resulted in me hardly ever getting any sleep, having a HARD time functioning and even harder time dealing with her constant crying and "demands". IT was super hard. I felt like I had failed.
I thankfully had a good friend who would come over and play with her or watch her, so I could sleep. Didn't help much but it made me feel more sane on those days.
I talked to my mom (who was 12 hours by plane away) and she told me to go see my doctor. Which I begrudgingly did. He told me that I was suffering from postpartum and that I needed to take better care of myself. And he suggested to put me on meds. Which I didn't want to (as I was nursing) so I started going to the gym and taking long walks (with my daughter) and the exercise helped a lot, it wore ME out and HER. So we BOTH slept better. I stopped nursing when she was 17 months and went back to the doctor and started on Prozac which helped me a lot.
I get how you feel 100%.
GO see your doctor. THAT is your PRIORITY. MOM needs to take CARE of herself to take care of the little one.
Get some exercise, hopefully you have a decent stroller and can bundle her up and take her for walks/run - LOOK for gym where you can bring the little one.
Find a baby-sitter. You can go soak in the tub for an hour or whatever - tell your baby-sitter to just pretend you are not there.
C. Grant gave you a couple of links as well - USE them. DO not think that because you feel overwhelmed that you are a BAD mother. YOU are a GREAT one for knowing that you NEED to put her first.
After you have been to see your doctor TALK to your family - TELL them you NEED this. Not that you NEED them to watch her so you can go party, but so that YOU can get some "ME time". Tell them how desperate you have felt, TELL them you have considered adoption because you FEEL you can not cope on your own. ASK for help. And If they don't help you, SHAME on them.
Chin up, it DOES get better.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (28 January 2015):
I think you are suffering from depression, you are definitely NOT an unfit mother. The fact that you love her and you feel like she "deserves" more, shows how much you care about her.
Maybe you are feeling this way because of a lack of support? And possibly not much of a social life? Just because you are a full time mum doesnt mean you dont deserve a break and every parent needs adult conversation, not just over the phone. I really think you need to see if you can get out more to mum and toddler groups or if there is a surestart centre in your area. Those centres have different supports in place, they also employ people who can advise you. Please look into different facilities/groups in your area first, if you didnt care about your daughter you wouldnt have reached out here for advice. Best wishes and feel free to update us x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Hi, I posted this question
Thank you so much for your advice, I love my daughter and wish to be a mum that she deserves. I cry as I when I snap at her or have thoughts she would be better without me. I feel so guilty because she's my baby and I look around me and see other mothers looking flawless and happy.
I have contacted a support group in my area and who offer respite and all kinds of help, I found it online and going to speak to them tomorrow.
Thank you for your advice.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Raising a child with the help of a partner is plenty difficult. Being on your own, without a support network? No wonder you're stressed and snapping at your child. What you're going through is very human and perfectly understandable, so please cut yourself some slack.
I applaud you for having the self-awareness to be concerned about the effect on your child. You have reached out for help, which is a sign of excellent parenting.
Have you looked into respite care? In my city we have an organization called Children's Cottage which will take in any child, no questions asked, when a parent is feeling unable to cope. The child may be left for a few hours or a couple of days until the parent sorts herself out. I searched for respite care in the U.K. and found a couple of links that might be of value:
http://www.ukfostering.org.uk/fostering-information/respite-fostering/
http://www.care4urkidz.co.uk/blog/2011/07/11/Respite-Care-for-Single-parents-SEN-Children.aspx
Look for this sort of resource in your local area. You could also contact a women's shelter, as they might have ideas of where to turn.
The poster who suggested a "mom's group" was on to something good as well. Just having a few other mom's to talk to could be a life-saver.
Adoption in this circumstance is a sort of 'nuclear option' -- rather too drastic to consider until you've explored the other options. Everyone needs help and support. If you can find some, you'll get through this tough period in your child's development -- together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Are there any playgroups near you? If there is another mother you know you can babysit for each other alternatively.
If she babysits one afternoon both babies, you can babysit both babies another afternoon. Try to meet other mothers and see if this is possible.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Have you talked to the social service office about this?
Do you have any friends to talk to about this?
I think you could talk to the adoption agencies and just have a conversation, just to get more information and have something to think about, rather than just cry about the idea of it. I can't imagine how you feel, but if you are crying every day then this isn't good for you or for her, and something must change. Maybe adoption is the option, but more than likely there are other alternatives.
Do not forget that even if she would get adopted by another family, you're still her mom, and she'd still be asking about you as she grows up, and want to have a connection to you. You would not be giving her up alone, you'd also have her "give up" you. She'd be without her mother, just as you'd be without your child. Even if the circumstances could be better for her, and you, it is not guaranteed, and it might actually become worse. So this is something you need more information about, and think about properly.
Other options would be to have a direct talk with your family about an urgent NEED for help. If they haven't offered to baby sit, doesn't mean they wont do it if you ask directly and explain how difficult things are. If they will not do it, then why can you not hire a baby sitter, even if it's just for a few hours each month?
Why is day care/nursery not an option until she is 3? There are private day cares, even if the public ones are full.
You need to talk to someone who knows the options available to you, and I would guess this someone would be a person at the social services office.
There is also the option of a foster home, so she wouldn't be adopted, but would have a family help take care of her for a period. Or a support family, don't know if they are available where you live, but where I live you can apply for a support family that will help you with your child during the week/weekends, whatever time you need them, and they will get monetary support from the government in order to pay for their extra expenses.
ASK for help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you are unfit mother. Every mother snaps on her children, every single mother. You have 2 year old, ever heard of terrible 2 th?It's the most difficult age in a toddler.. My daughter drove me nuts every minute of a day. Adoption only because you are going through a rough period of your life is ludicrous idea. You relatives are not doing a good job being a family. They could at least take her every other weekend for a night, so you could unwind, go out and relax a bit. And I really think you need to speak up. Scare them by saying if you don't help me out a bit I will give her away for adoption. If they don't understand how important it is for a young mother to have a little break, then scare them to death. "It takes a village to raise a child" is another good saying. And it's very true. Besides that, there are social groups like " mummy and me". When you get together with other mothers. And sometimes mothers make play dates. One day she is watching your child, next day you. When a child has company they are much happier and don't bug you that much. When my daughter was little I actually had another 2 mothers that were willing to do these play dates. So, 2 days there were watching my child, and I had 6 hours to myself 4 days out of the week. Also, GYMs have babysitting for 2 hours while you working out. I don't know how much they are in your country, but here in US I pay only 35$/ a month, and while I was taking classes, using sauna and steam room, my daughter was watched in their day care. There are ways to give yourself a break. Networking with other mothers is a huge help. First you get someone to talk to, and share responsibilities. No one will love your child more than you, she needs you and always will. You will regret it if you go ahead with this idea.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 January 2015):
Let me tell you that you're going through a rough patch. When she's the there are options for her to get away, play with other kids and for you to de-stress yourself.
You may also be suffering from depression on top of everything you have to deal with.
I highly recommend you hold off. I promise you it gets easier, and you don't want to make what may be the biggest mistake you ever make while you're going through a rough spot.
You also need to have a conversation with your family and tell them you honestly feel like you have to have a break or you'll go crazy. If they don't care then they have some issues.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 I had honestly never thought that a mother would say this but if you think that another family would do a better job than you at raising your daughter and keep her happy and healthy, then yes, by all means, give her up for adoption to someone who will cherish her. Its not fair on your daughter to be snapped at by you. How is the poor child at fault? She didn't ask to be brought into this would, you made her and if you cant give her the best life possible then please let someone else give her the life she deserves.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (27 January 2015):
 First of all, please don't beat yourself up. You are still very young, being a single parent, and it is understandable that you are going to struggle, especially if your family are not willing to help you.
From what you have written, it sounds like you dearly love your daughter and are only thinking about this, because you want the best for her. That is a good thing.
It does sound, however like you may be suffering from postnatal depression, or something like that. Have you been to the Doctors and talked things through with them?
You need support, and you need to take some time for yourself.
Why are your family not willing to babysit occasionally? Have you told them how you are struggling?
Sadly, there are many myths that the media and other Mothers like to peddle - they all want to seem perfect. The reality is that a lot of new Mum's struggle, emotionally and mentally with the early years. It isn't all rainbows and roses and the smell of baby powder. EVERY MOTHER will at some point be pushed to the limit (even if they don't admit it). And that is the problem - no one will admit to being anything other than perfect, so this unreal image of how you have to be a perfect mother or your are a failure is broadcast to society. You are not a bad mother, or a failure. You just need a bit of support.
I knew a lady about 10 years ago who would deliberately try and lose her child in the supermarket - purely so she could get 5 minutes peace! (I know this is extreme, but it's a good example). I defy any parent to say that they wouldn't like some time to themselves occasionally.
From your descriptions of your symptoms, crying, snapping etc, it really does sound like a form of depression.
Before you make any rash decisions, please, go and talk things through with your Doctor.
There are many support groups out there, with other mothers who all join together to make life a bit more fun and happy.
http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/index.html
http://www.mothersformothers.co.uk/
http://www.nct.org.uk/parenting/postnatal-depression
Keep strong and don't give up!
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Talk with a social worker; they should find you the help you need if they feel that you are capable, just in a rough spot.
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