A
female
age
36-40,
*tarburstGrin
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now.My mom is an alcoholic. She wasn't always--but she got into an abusive 2nd marriage and we couldn't get her out of it. It started very soon after her and my dad divorced. Because of her alcoholism, she has showed up on mine and my boyfriend's porch several times wasted drunk--literally lying down and clawing on the door because she couldnt stand up.At 2am on a work night, she called me and yelled into my phone several times in the middle of the night.She's also crashed some of our gatherings uninvited with our friends making a scene and calling our friends names for no reason and driving drunk. (She lived down the road, but we have since moved).She was totally out of control. I begged and cried for her to stop and my boyfriend saw all this heartbroken at the mess and seeing me so upset about it, and I even went to a counselor to ask for advice and help. He said we should stage an intervention with a professional interventionist. She wasn't always like this--she raised me well and was a wonderful mom--so as you can imagine, this crushed my world. She finally moved out of this man's house and got her own home, so now she isn't acting that way anymore, and it seems that she isn't drinking anymore, so I don't think an intervention is appropriate at this time--it's not the right time if she seems to be getting better, is the way I see it. A few months ago, she cussed out my boyfriend and told him he ruined my life and my house (which couldn't be further from the truth--he is a professional successful and responsible sweet man who fixed up my house and made it better--not ruined it). He replied and told her to leave him alone and that was it--he hasn't wanted to be around her since--My Bf says she needs help and needs to go to treatment and she is exhausting--(true). We are planning on getting engaged this year, and as we were talking about it, he said my mom is not invited to the weddingI didn't even respond to that statement because I didn't know what to say. He is so upset with how much she has made me cry and how she treated him. He said he has had enough of her and that she needs to go to treatment like my counselor said, and that he won't have her ruining the wedding. This breaks my heart--I see what he means, because I feel like I would be stressed out the whole time hoping she doesn't ruin my wedding day by being drunk and unruly, but at the same time, that is my MOM and I love her dearly, and we used to be best friends... I don't even know what to do or where to start. My counselor says there is nothing I can do and I can't worry about it--but how can I not? My mom needs to be at my wedding like I always imagined, and I don't want to marry into my love hating my mom, but I do see what he means too! I don't want her to ruin anything--I see that maybe I could still ask her to go to counseling, but I know she refuses to every time I ask--and it may be counterproductive now that she is not harassing us and not acting out through her drinking anymore...Like, I don't want to punish her for getting better--but my boyfriend doesn't want to risk it--he doesn't care that she moved out of her current husband's house--She crossed the line with my Bf and she still drinks alcohol, so anything is possible in his eyes--He is intent that she needs treatment. I am so heartbroken and upset--I need them to get along :-( What do I do??
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alcoholic, best friend, crush, divorce, drunk, engaged, heartbroken, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Sweetie,
Listen to me, I live with an alcoholic. when he's not drinking he's a delight... drinking, drunk... he's a nightmare...
but I know that an intervention won't work. I know that treatment is not going to work till HE IS READY.
I can't fix him so I love him as best as I can at this point and accept him where he is.
if your mom is getting drunk and being inappropriate in her behaviors and it's frequently, then she has an alcohol problem but until she's ready to admit it and until she's sunk to the absolute bare bottom of her world she will not fix it.
You are not even getting engaged yet... so later this year is months down the road then there is the planning of the wedding... I really think that it's too early on to decide mom can't come.
IF when the wedding rolls around she's been sober for a few months and she appears to be "behaving herself" perhaps you can revisit the idea of having her at the wedding.
I would hate for mom to miss your wedding based on old bad behavior.
but you should talk to her now and let her know..
and also talk to bf and explain that if her behavior has improved she is your mother and you want to give her another chance....
but yeah she has to prove she's in recovery enough to know that the stress of the wedding won't set off a drinking binge....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 I think your Bf is right. Things may look better because ,now that she lives in a less stressful environment , she has less triggers to lash out, but " getting better " is not the same as " being well " and a professional intervention is not a punishment. Same as sending someone with bad teeth to a dentist is not punishing them, but in fact helping them and showing care and concern.
Your mother's alcoholism has not just miracolously disappeared overnight. No addiction does. She still drinks , and she still gets unnnecessarily aggressive and acts inappropriately - to the point of pissing off a bf who, by your description, sounds level headed and sensible.
I know that making her recovery a condition for her presence at the wedding may sound cruel, a sort of blackmail,- and perhaps it is, and I understand how this is a very painful situation for a loving daughter, mom is always mom, drunk or sober. But... some times " tough love " is a necessity also for unmanageable parents, not just for unmanageable kids.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Hey kitten. Yes tough situation. Your mother needs a wake up call in order for her actions to change n perhaps not being invited could serve to motivate her. Dont tell her about the lack of invite or even the date. She's hurt those around her with her poor childish decisions and you need to be mature n make that known to her somehow.Alcoholics have unpredictable behavior one day they are ok the next.They are bad and the fact they lack stable control of their decision making also creates lack of trust in close relationships inc trust in behavior at a wedding. Good luck.
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