A
female
age
36-40,
*uzgrenkyw
writes:Hello. Not sure how to deal with this, it's a toughie for me and life's threw me a curveball.I really thought me and my husband had a good marriage until I discovered something on the Facebook and Instagram pages of the dance school that our daughter (8 yrs old) attends.This was on Monday night I found out.The reason I was checking out the page was a 10-year anniversary of the dance school page coming up, with a big dance night and for the first time since COVID, aFREE BUFFET WITH LIQUOR (yes, in all capitals!)There was a photo of my husband cuddling up to this woman, who is both the owner of the dance school and the instructor, her wearing a leotard/bodysuit and him topless, and a caption of:"We've been together for 4 years now, since Christmas 2018, and he's been my light through the pandemic, the love of my life, and he's the man for me. Quarantine was hateful for me but with him, I got through it."It was fucking embarrassing.I've been with my husband for 15 years (started dating in February 2007, engaged by 2014, married by 2016), but only married for the past 6 years. We didn't get married until a few years after our daughter was born.I honestly thought we had a solid marriage.We'd not had really big arguments, we were on the same page for the big issues, the big stuff.Now I'm questioning my marriage.I honestly had no idea he was cheating, didn't suspect a thing.I confronted him over the photo, but he said it was a fake and she was a "psycho bitch" and claimed the whole thing was Photoshopped.I couldn't see anything that made it look Photoshopped, and am now suspicious of him.I can't trust him when he says he's going to the store or anything really.We live in a small town, well, a small town within enough driving distance to a beach in Chicago - 30 minutes.Although it's not a really small town where it's podunk, we're next to a freeway.I feel glad when I can get to work, now my workplace has reopened, it's like an escape these past few days.I work in marketing for a small business (only 15 employees, and 3 in total work in marketing, although in total, it's 18 if you include the owners).It's obvious to me that my husband's cheating, but also, isn't this a PR disaster for the dance school if it went public, or it would it be small-town gossip that gets forgotten weeks later?Bear in mind, this woman is a local celebrity of sorts, she's not exactly an A-lister, just a small-town celeb, noted for helping with town's Christmas events and running a baked goods stall at Christmas in our town every so often (people used to joke about how she was the only place you could get free baked goods taking your daughter to dance school!).Isn't this going to be bad publicity for the dance school in question?My husband constantly keeps denying he's cheated, but I'm gonna have to get an STD test; not a lie detector since they don't work, apparently.I'm worrying about divorce and being a single mom, if I get divorced.Filing for divorce isn't going to be an easy decision, emotionally or practically.I'm not dirt-poor, but not mega-rich, just middle-class.I thought I loved my husband but am now questioning my whole marriage, our whole 15-year partnership. =I'm also starting to think I look less desirable to my husband, this woman's got looks, I probably haven't (to him); she looks like Scarlett Johansson, I'm more like a geek to him probably despite having wavy blonde hair and glasses, even though in the past guys said I was attractive/hot/sexy.In all honesty, I really thought I had found the one, my life partner, but now this has thrown everything out of whack.This woman probably has no shame; she also probably forgot which social media account she was posting on (her work one vs her personal account).It's incredibly inappropriate, ain't it?I've been trying to ask my husband why he's had this affair since Christmas 2018 if it's true, but he won't talk; even if I'm sensitive about things.I'm probably gonna skip the date night planned for this week due to this.I know for a fact he'd probably throw a temper tantrum if I'd admitted to an affair or someone had told him about it (yes, I found my female personal trainer sexy, with her girly face and body and her ginger hair, but it never got beyond a crush, and I didn't act upon it); FWIW, I'd mostly dated women before him, only dated two guys.In reality, I'm mainly attracted to women, often the very femme/lipstick lesbian types, but there have been guys as well I've liked, but it's safe to say women were always the main sex I was into. I didn't consider myself a 100% lesbian but not queer either, well, I don't label myself as such.My husband wasn't the typical guy I'd go for, in looks anyway, being a sort of George Clooney lookalike, but he had the personality type I liked; he was a sort of geek-with-George Clooney-type guy.As it is, my husband knew that from the outset, so not like I deceived him!Of course, way back in 2007, people probably weren't as accepting of sexuality as now. Queer and non-binary certainly weren't in the public consciousness.I'm having a slight worry that if I do become a single mom, it'll be difficult to find a lipstick lesbian partner (I'm very feminine in gender expression and behaviour) who can accept a single mom; since 2007, obviously, I've had no experience in dating, and 2016, I'm married.It doesn't help that I have a girlcrush on a woman who works in a local Mexican restaurant (well, local as in 10 miles away) me and my husband have been to for date nights now and then. She's the sort of lady I like; very femme, friendly etc.But I've not acted on it.Now I'm questioning my whole personal life, was my marriage a waste ; well, obviously not my daughter.My professional life seems far better than my personal life.Do you think my husband's having a midlife crisis or pre-midlife crisis?So sorry for wall of text; just need advice on how to deal with things over the next few weeks and months.
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affair, anniversary, christmas, crush, divorce, engaged, facebook, ginger, lesbian, std, text, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 May 2022):
 Don't tell hubby you are getting a lawyer. Talk to a few EXPENSIVE ones too. That way HE can't hire them. If you had a consult with them. ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2022): My take is a little different.. could it be possible that deep down the marriage though ticking along with some arguments but nothing major hasn't been truly giving you, what you need .
Why do I think you feel this? My interpretation is that you have been hankering for while to go back to your old life style of being with a female .
You write more about that than saving your marriage . That doesn't mean your bad. It just means that maybe what has occurred if anything . And certainly if your husband is not messaging this women on Facebook book telling her to take this down .. or posting on his own Facebook to say this is a lie then you are correct ...and this in its on its own Will give you leverage and peace to walk away and move on with your child .
Hold your chin up sweetie
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A
female
reader, Juzgrenkyw +, writes (7 May 2022):
Juzgrenkyw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBad news!
Last night he HAD admitted to having an affair with her, and driving between our house and hers from 2019 to now, even during the pandemic when there were stay-at-home orders he'd travelled to her house.
He said the affair actually began in July 2018, not Christmas as she claimed on Instagram and that it wasn't just about sex.
Ironically I'm watching Better Call Saul, now I got to get an attorney.
I now feel embarrassed, angry and crushed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2022): Photoshopping, not photocopying.
A good Photoshop job shows no clues.
I personally would stand my ground even if it was a possibility.
Your husband doesn't want to give her any credibility so why allow her to walk
all over you .
And if you want to start a rumour that she gives more than a dance lesson..well I should imagine others will be quite interested to try it.
She is not a nice person.
She meant that picture to be humiliating to you, so prove yourself the stronger person and tell her:
" You may be desperate for a man...but you are not going to destroy my marriage! "
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2022): Photoshopping, not photocopying.
A good Photoshop job shows no clues.
I personally would stand my ground even if it was a possibility.
Your husband doesn't want to give her any credibility so why allow her to walk
all over you .
And if you want to start a rumour that she gives more than a dance lesson..well I should imagine others will be quite interested to try it.
She is not a nice person.
She meant that picture to be humiliating to you, so prove yourself the stronger person and tell her:
" You may be desperate for a man...but you are not going to destroy my marriage! "
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 May 2022):
"Illinois is a "no-fault" divorce state. The days of having to prove adultery, abuse, or habitual drunkenness are gone. You can get divorced in a day; there is no waiting period. If your spouse objects, you must wait six months and prove the other elements."
So that means YOU have to decide what YOU want to do.
I would consult with a lawyer. And I would make sure you get some screenshots of that post. ASAP. As you might be able to sue HER.
As far as your sexuality, it's irrelevant right now. It's not the issue at hand.
The issue at hand is that your husband has been cheating with some woman since 2018.
The second issue is that he is denying it.
The third issue is you CAN NOT move forward with rebuilding or reconciliation if he doesn't own up.
That means you have to make a choice here. Go see a lawyer and get your options, or pretend it didn't really happen. There is no middle ground.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2022): Ok this one is a curve ball and I advise you not to leave your husband.
This woman is trying to out herself and
your husband in the community eyes but you don't have to play into her hands.
You could laugh at her.
I'll bet your husband was in bed with you every night for the pandemic so she is trying to gain leverage.
If you stand your ground and tell her she's not going to break up your marriage she stands to loose a lot more than you do.
You could gain the entire respect of the community.
She could lose the entire respect of the community.
Pull your daughter out of dance class and other mum's will follow.
None of the other mum's want to loose their husband to her needs so you have their unspoken backing.
Be calm.
Tell people it was a desperate photocopying act on her part.
Tell your husband that you will take him to the cleaners financially if you can prove he has cheated on you.
Remind him of your marriage vows and watch him backpeddle while she gets a bit of a communal snub.
Consider another dance instructor and invite your daughters friends round for an afternoon play date thereby solidifying your support in the community.
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