A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Girlfriend is on a quest to sexually open me up. She doesn't like to use lube although she can be real rough during sex. I really really love her and she says she loves me....we've been together two years n being intimate for a yr and a half. We don't sex regularly...just every two or three months which to me is okay bc every aspect of our sex is somewhat painful....the oral....the fingers....the strap on its rough. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me bc she asks does it hurt n sometimes stop when I can't handle it. I haven't told her I was a virgin and she was my first I think she knows bc she keeps saying I'm going to open u up. I suggested she go easy on me and use lube and listen to me but she says she know what she's doing and shell give me how much she wants me to have. Since sex isn't that frequent its not a huge issue just inconvenient. I would like to use lube and encourage her to be gentler but I don't want to make her feel I'm not sexually satisfied now. I've tried my way telling her but she doesn't understand and I don't want to hurt her ego. I plan to buy some lube and just apply it on me before we began....I haven't tried this aggressive approach yet, just verbally talking about it. Any suggestions on what else I can do would greatly be appreciated.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 sounds like to me she dont even want to be a lesbian, i think its a case of she was ruffed up and is taking her anger out on you. EVEN if she thinks she is the male in this relationship, not ALL men treat you like crap. I would tell her to P..... off and find somene who dont mind being treated like a doormat!! xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): Technically. you're still a virgin... being you've not had an actual penis in there.Be that as it may, this girl sounds mean and I don't know why you haven't said goodbye, and found someone you deserve.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 What, are you and her in a M/S relationship? Is she your mistress? No? Are you equal partners in this? If you are equals then there's no "I'll give you how much I want to give you" or bossing around or ego's to be hurt. You're 50% of this relationship, so start to own up to your rights here.
Tell her. Why on earth did you keep it a secret that you were a virgin? And even so, when it hurst, you TELL her and you make her stop. No sitting back and letting her boss you around as if you were her submissive. If you want her to use lube, then she'll have to start using lube, it's that simple. It's your body. You own it. She doesn't.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 If you two are in a sexual relationship, you should be able to talk to her about these kinds of things.
You need to let her know that its not working for you. You need to also let her know that she was your first. I think you two need to sit down and talk to each other about what you really want from the sexual side of things. She can't read your mind, and you can't read hers either so it will be good to talk openly and maturely about it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Sorry but this isn't a healthy sexual relationship. You shouldn't have to use the lube without telling her, because you're not doing anything wrong! The very fact that she is averse to the fact that you should use lube, shows that the sexual act is an ego trip for her. She wants you to get turned on by her and not by an artificial lubricant, but she doesnt understand that there is nothing wrong with using a lubricant.
She is being very aggressive and is not bothered for your feelings. As far as I am concerned, one word of discontent or a NO should be enough for a partner to stop. If your partner loves and respects you, they will never want you to be in discomfort.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 November 2011):
 sounds like you're being abused.
move on. anyone who makes sex painfull for you isn't in it for you. sounds like a bad situation that you keep tolerating.
move on and find somewhere else/someone else
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 November 2011):
sounds like you're being abused.
move on. anyone who makes sex painfull for you isn't in it for you. sounds like a bad situation that you keep tolerating.
move on and find somewhere else/someone else
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (4 November 2011):
 You shouldnt have to buy lube and just use it without telling her, she needs to understand what you like and want from her and respect that.I know you dont want to hurt her feelings but its worse to let her go on thinking she is pleasing you when clearly she isnt.You need to talk to her and tell her you would enjoy it more if she could be more loving and gentle in the bedroom and if you dont think she is listening, make sure you tell her how important it is to you and it is what you want.If the next time you are having sex nothing changes, dont let it just go on with you being hurt, actually stop her and remind her what you talked about, i know you dont want to hurt her but she needs to understand your feelings.If you do all this and nothing changes, maybe you need to think about how much respect she has for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): You have an insensitive gf. Lovers should be thinking about how they are pleasing YOU, not just themselves.
Speak up and YOU can say what you need. When you became lovers, you did not hand over your brain or freewill. If it hurts, STOP.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Hi,Sounds to me like she is being a little forceful for your liking and that actually if she wasn't you'd have a more loving and sexual relationship so whilst I'm in a heterosexual relationship, and don't understand a female and female relationship I don't think what I'm going to say really matters that I prefer boys and you prefer girls :) Firstly, she's hurting you in her love making - she needs to understand you need warming up, nothing between two loving partners should be painful, and I bet the fact you have only had sex with this one woman is scarring you half to death. She needs to understand that what she does is not comfortable for you, not telling your partner is the worse thing you can do she might think she is pleasing you. Talk to her, she's a woman too (one very big advantage I think, if my man could spend a day as a woman I'd swear he'd be a better lover!)She might well be doing to you what other girls have liked, or maybe she's just as in experienced as you.One thing we ladies are good at is empathy and talking, tell her what you want what you like, how you feel. If she is worth your time, love and attention she will listen and try to be a more considerate lover. If she cannot accept it then maybe you are not in the right relationship for you.I hope that helps a little x
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 November 2011):
 You need to be aggressive. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to care much about your well-being. She believes her ego is more important than your physical well-being, and it seems you're starting to believe this as well. You should not be in pain to avoid hurting her feelings. She may well know what she's doing, but that doesn't change the fact that she's hurting you. You need to stand up for yourself here, even though it may hurt her feelings. If directly talking about it isn't helping, you need to stop having sex until she listens to your concerns.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (4 November 2011):
I'm sure she will be able to smell the lube and she'll know you've put some on. Why can't you just explain to her that she was your first?
Why doesn't she respect your wishes regarding your body when it comes to sexual intimacy? Doesn't she know that "opening you up" without proper lubrication (natural, or supplemented) could injure you...possibly permanently?
Really, you two need to talk about this, but not during the act. You need to talk to her and explain to her that the best way to get you to "open up" is to get you to relax, which you are unable to do while having sex because you aren't wet and are dreading the pain and discomfort she causes you by ignoring your feedback.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): In all honesty hun sex should be about mutual love.and affection and giving pleasure. If it isnt the case then you need to tell her the truth coz.thats the only way she is gonna understand. Hav you thought that the sex.toys u r using r too big? Buy her soome gentler smaller toys as a gift to use ltogether and try suggesting some things that you would like to try in the bedroom other than the painful things that seem to be going on. Sex shouldnt be paiful like that. Make sure she knows when shes hurting u.
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