A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating H for five months and it's just gotten weird... With like all these things where she gets mad at me. First time, my friends said I could have been nicer about it but I think she was over sensitive. She got her braces adjusted and got them in green since its my favorite color. And she asked what I thought. I just said I thought nothing, they're just there. She kept pressing so I said I guess all colors look kind of weird but since I never had them I really don't care. I wear green on my class ring because Im born in May and a Gemini necklace because I just do. Her class ring is aqumarine. Big deal! I even bought her an Aries one necklace and she said I lied about my favorite color. I like all colors and I just don't care and she sent me a web link to how braces work and the colors so I texted to "get grey or sivler I guess get whatever you want they're not mine" she was mad for three days straight. She also kept bringing it up that I think colors look weird so she can't get them and that makes ME the bad guy.Then other WEIRD stuff. We were talking in a group and mom's come up, just making fun of them or talking about annoying stuff they doLike how my mom is really into fake rhinestones or beads and she makes jewlrey purses and adds it to clothes. They sell really well but they're all over the place and everyone has to drop everything and look if she misplaces them. If she makes you go with her to shop for things you're going to be there forever. I wasn't being mean, it's just annoying but funny too. So H just sits there and tells everyone her mom took her life 12 years ago and what it looked like.awkward.the were sort of... It was just awkward and I told her. I mean I felt bad but what? There's better ways to bring it up and not with strangers. And she said it theyou would say "there's some sweet tea in the fridge if you're thirsty"There's more weird things but they're all blown out of proportion when I don't act the way she wants me too. Her dads an alcoholic but he hasn't drank in a year (but he never beat her and is that MY business?). Her brother got kicked out for being gay but dude's 19 and I bet he's harmless. I'd probably get along with him. If he had a bad swim accident I'd do my best with CPR. I can't support his lifestyle but that's because I don't support sex before marriage and I'm not a hypocrite. Some girls at our school are pregnant and the only time I say anything is because I don't want them to carry a heavy backpack and I want to tell their boyfriends they're assholes for not doing that for them. But H gets mad and says I'm stuck up and judgmental. I don't think so and most of my friends say, I'm kind to everyone but even if they think I'm too conservative I'm at least not a hypocrite. I try real hard not to be. I leave my opinion to myself unless asked but I'm too blunt? What am I supposed to do? Lie? My opinion is my opinion. If you ask if I like your $200 shoes and they're blue and orange or bright red I don't. But I also don't care.How do I stop saying the wrong thing and convince H that I love her and cherish her and would not do to what her first boyfriend did (her brother and dad put him in prison but I didn't want to know details. I mean they only make me mad. Why would she tell me and what he did? He was a senior and I was a freshman at HS. We both did cross country, wrestling and baseball. He was sort of a mentor to me. I liked him I didn't know at the same time he was hurting H. Now I'm a senior she's a freshman and it makes me mad he would hurt herI always talk wrong but help! What am I supposed to say?
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 Hi,
you come across as a well rounded and sensible young guy and someday when you're old enough, you'll make a prospective gf, a wonderful and gentlemanly partner.
BUT.......................HERE I GO........
there is no possible way on earth, that you know remotely what true love is.
This can and will only come to you properly and vividly with maturity and you've not yet reached that point in your young life.
You are between 13 and 15 years of age, you are still in so many ways, a child yourself.
Much of what you've written and i'm sorry to sound harsh, is very confusing and you're jumping, rambling on, from one topic to another and much of what you've written, actually has little or nothing to do with you and your gf directly.
Also, from your entire msg, i can see that you are very young, still quite immature and that's ok, bec you are only between 13 and 15.
You have written a few non-palitable comments about your gf and whilst i'm sure you don't mean anything nasty, rude or mean by it all, it can come across this way to your gf and others.
Listen to ehr when she speaks and keep your comments very short and sweet.
Just be polite and respectful of her and her feelings, even if you don't fully agree.
It's never about who is right or wrong, it's about respect.
You're both young, so she'd be quite impressionable and she would get somewhat touchy about everything that you say.
We women can be quite literal, so be careful with your choice of words around her.
You are growing up, growing into yourself, finding yourself, slowly maturing both physically and mentally.
Time will change a lot of things, whether you believe this or not.
You cannot possibly guarantee, at such a young age, that you are in love and fully committed to this young lady and will be for years to come.
I will bet my bottom dollar, that in due time, however long that should take, you will grow up and move on, move forward with your life.
Other girls will come and will be sure to leave a mark on you.
You may think you are in love and committed to her, bec at present, this is how you are feeling, but as you have so much growing up to do, time will show you that what you thought was so important at this time of your life, actually wasn't all that important, although will always remain a wonderful and happy memory.
I think it's fair and safe to say that, many of us have been there and done that and as i'm much older, more experienced and wiser than you, means i know what i am talking about.
I had my first serious admirer and potential bf at 13, but as i was too young to date and to get involved with boys, i rejected his advances and he was drop dead gorgeous!!
I just knew and felt that i was too young and that my studies, family and friends were my priority, not boys.
I know we're all different and kids are very different these days, however, you'd be much safer just remaining good friends and steering away from trouble and any future heartache, which is highly probable.
If i sound very harsh, i don't mean to be and i am not judging you, but i will state my true opinions and feelings surrounding your situation, as honesty is always the best policy.
Ultimtely it's up to you, what you choose to do, but i would strongly advise you to re-organise your priorities and focus on what's truly important at this age, school and your future goals/endeavours.
All the best!
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 May 2016):
 There's only one safe answer to any "how do I look?" questions; "You always look beautiful to me"
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 May 2016):
 "Her brother got kicked out for being gay but dude's 19 and I bet he's harmless. I'd probably get along with him. If he had a bad swim accident I'd do my best with CPR. "
Can you explain what you mean? I have no idea what this means. He is gay, but if he had a swimming accident? What does the two have to do with each other? It's a rather weird thing to bring up, and I don't see how her brother being gay and kicked out, or swimming, has anything at all to do with you and your relationship.
What I gather from your post is that you are a little bit all over the place. You bring in loads of things that have nothing to do with the matter at hand, you barely know what your question is, ad it's all just a ramble. And then I gather that you want to feel free to insult your girlfriend whenever you like, and then dismiss her reactions as being insensitive.
Listen, you need to learn some ways to handle other people, especially your girlfriend. I fully get the part about her braces being green, why would you care, you don't. And it's weird that she thinks you should, but I believe at her age, this is the only way she can think of to show you she cares: by choosing your favourite color for things, even if she doesn't like it herself.
Try to avoid this from happening again, by telling her: "H, it's nice of you to try and please me by using colours you think I would like. However, I like you for the way YOU are, and that means you need to choose whatever colours you like, and wear the things you feel like wearing. I don't want to date a female version of myself, and I would feel much better if you would wear colours of your own choosing. If you want to show me you care for me, there are other things I would appreciate much more. Such as a smile when I see you, and just hanging out together, having fun."
As for when she asks you what you think of this or that, and you don't have anything positive to say/don't really care, practice answering this instead: "Im not good with this/Im not a shoe-person, it looks just fine to me", and then smile. No extra comment or attention needed. You don't always have to be so brutally honest, a white lie is allowed. It's okay to say you think something looks fine, rather than say you don't care. Alternatively, you can say it looks "interesting" or "not your style", if you think it looks bad.
As a last note, your girlfriend has obviously lived through a lot and has a need to talk about these things. If she brings up her mother again, don't shame her for it. If you felt it was awkward, then it is because you don't know how to handle it. Read up about it instead, and figure out how to handle it if she brings it up again. Having someone to talk to about the difficult things in life is IMPORTANT. And that someone should be you. If you feel you do not want to listen to what she has to say, and that you do not want to know about the bad things that happened in her life, then I don't think you are a good boyfriend for her. She would need someone else, someone who is prepared to be a rock for her and be a listener. Not that you should become her shrink, of course not. But you need to be prepared to listen to what happened to her, and acknowledge this. Otherwise you're not accepting her as a whole, and this will in the long run make her doubt your care for her, and will cause her to leave you.
Just listen to her once, talk about it once, that's all Im saying.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 May 2016):
 I don't think you know what love is. I'm going to be gentle with you because of your age, but you are interacting with her in a very self-centered way. You call her oversensitive. You're so worried she wants YOU to act a certain way, and the common denominator is that you love yourself far more than you love her or anyone else.
She wants to get braces in what she believes is your favorite color because she cares about you and wants to honor you. For you to respond "who cares" or "get whatever you want, they're not mine" is to treat her dismissively. You SHOULD be responding "you're beautiful in any color. Get what makes you feel good about yourself". Instead, you made it about YOU and rebuffed a gesture of love from her.
She tells you a tragic backstory which is the TRUTH, and all you can think of is how awkward YOU feel and how YOU don't like her brother?? Way self-centered. And you don't get it. You're bashing your mom for entertainment to your friends, and she's actually not being shallow and appreciating her mom, someone you take for granted.
You don't know anything about life. You've been pampered, and it's all about you. How do YOU think love is shown to people? By putting down her brother and father? By making sure your opinion takes precedence over her life story? You don't cherish her. You cherish your opinions and judgments.
Speaking of fathers, mine told me a really good word of wisdom - opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. It's fine to not believe in sex before marriage, but to feel superior to someone else because of your opinion makes your opinions worthless, and will make you alone because you become self-centered and abrasive.
When you are with her, if you truly love her, you will step into her shoes and listen to her. You'll be interested in what she has to say, and the words "Big deal" or "who cares" or "I don't care" or "whatever" would never cross your mind. When someone loves someone else, they validate them. Meaning, before your opinion leaves your lips, you are seeking to understand her.
When she talks about her parents, instead of thinking "this is awkward" or "it's not my business", why don't you practice empathy and put yourself in her shoes. I guarantee if it was YOUR mom who died, you wouldn't be focused on how annoying she is for pursuing things she cares about. You would miss your mom.
Finally, it's very likely you're going to lose her. Your ego is destroying both you and your relationship with her. It's not helping you that you're focused on yourself. You sound like an only child, and what you believe is your strength really is your weakness. You ARE stuck-up and judgmental, and that is because you are immature. You can change, but usually that only happens when your heart shatters at the consequences of your own opinions.
As for her ex, what do you say? NOTHING! Tell her that even though he hurt her, she's away from him, and you would never hurt her. Stop "NOT CARING", or she'll leave you.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (24 May 2016):
 Look. You say regularly in your post you don't care. When I was your age (sorry), I thought that it was more important to be truthful to whatever MY truth was, and f---any consequences, that's other people's problems. The reality was that my truthfulness caused a lot of destruction to a lot of relationships. If you want to be happy, and if you want others to be happy in your presence/with your presence, you need to learn to be a little accommodating. Your taking a stand that's not worth taking because in the process you're being disrespectful, leaving her hurt and you confused on how you become a better person.
I'm not super concerned about The braces thing but let's address it: you could tell she cared about the colors. She kept bringing it up. Your reaction seems to be that it's annoying that she cared. You have two options. You could be you and not care what your girlfriend cares about, which is her looks. Or you could notice that it's something she cares about, even if you personally find it petty. Example, Maybe you play Xbox. Does H really care about what's happening in your shooter game? Maybe not. But she might ask questions or get invested in it because she sees it's something you are amped about. I *think* you were trying to be assuring saying that it didn't matter to you what she did with her teeth, but at the same time, she tried to do something kind of sweet and considerate, and you just blew her off about it. Do I think it's three days' worth of anger over? Probably not.
I am WAY more concerned about your reaction to her mother's suicide. You know why she said it all casually? Chick is accustomed to some pretty serious family dysfunction so it's kind of a drop in a bucket, also if she says it in a serious way, it could make her more upset than trying to simply state it. Regardless of her tone, I really can't imagine a worse reaction from you.
Put yourself in her shoes a little more often to see how your reactions feel. Think about what it WOULD be like if you had to wear something--the same thing--every day for the next year or so. Would you want it to be essentially colorless? Would you want to give it meaning? Would you like it when the person you cared about said they didn't care because they can't relate because they have zero imagination and can't try empathizing with a person? I don't think we really need to try the suicide example, you should know that you handled that poorly. What's done is done. Try following it up, talking to her about it, sorry about your mom, let me know if you want to talk about it or sorry how I reacted back there, I was really surprised and I didn't handle my surprise well.
So keys are think before you speak, and put yourself in others' shoes. When you do these things, it may not feel "natural" to whatever truth it is you think you possess, but the reality is, you bond to others by relating to others, and vice versa. If you choose to do this whole rebel renegade thing, you're only doing a disservice to yourself. All relationships are give and take. There is a line with how much you give to others. I'd say at the point you don't know where the you is in the relationship any more, but at this point you are not even close to that line. Good luck.
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