A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. We were always very passionate and affectionate. A couple months ago, he began to act less and less, however. I realize that this can happen as a relationship progresses, but physical affection and sexual desire are important to me, no matter what stage the relationship is in. Since he's been less affectionate, I've tried to be more creative with enticing him...being in lingerie on the couch when he gets home from work, trying to initiate making-out in the car...but he keeps saying he's tired or not in the mood. I've repeatedly been rejected recently and becoming disheartened about the whole relationship. I've brought it up to him before and he said that he would try to be more responsive, but that was a month ago, and nothing's changed. A bit of a background...he works, but not long hours. I work as well (at home), share expenses equally with him. I've recently gotten very fit, so I know it's not because I've let myself go. (He's older, but also in shape, as well.) I've been dressing more sexy than before, in hopes of catching his attention. I cook and clean regularly, offer him massages, which he turns down now (he didn't used to). I don't understand what I can do to get this spark back. It's not like we don't have sex at all; we do, but it's always on his terms, and usually in the morning when I'm half awake. I've communicated my needs, but that hasn't helped. I've tried various ways to turn him on, and repeated gotten rejected. Can anyone give me advice on this?
View related questions:
in the mood, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): I wish I could help you, but I find myself in the same position...
People always generalise that guys are always up for it, but I find the opposite to be true too. Look how many women are on here stating their mate is not being intimate! What is going on, men?
I'm also a sexy, passionate, energetic, positive girl, have been with my guy not even 2 years yet, and he has also "lost interest". We ALSO used to be very passionate and intimate all the time, sometimes every day more than once a day, and now it's weeeeek that go by with nothing, unless I initiate.
It seems it's stress he has, financial; physical - overweight and getting over lots of problems, BUT, that has ALWAYS been the case and he was always interested. It's only now that we have relaxed with each other that he looses interest due to "those things"? I don't know.
It's sad, because us girls have not changed. We still want it, want you, the man, yet we have to wait and hope he will finally return to how he used to be. In my case, I am still looking after myself, all those things, and he is the one that has let go, and then isn't interested? While I am still attracted to him, love him more than ever, and want him all the time, and have to curb my enthusiasm so to speak, and help myself, all the time. What happened to my boyfriend?
MEN, help us women what is going on? If we are still fun, funny, we do lots together, we look after ourselves, why are our men losing interest in us????
help....................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your feedback. Writing this entry prompted me to bring it up to him again last night. He explained that he thought my timing was off...that my advances often happened when he feels tired or not sexy, and that he's starting to feel guilty when I make these efforts because he feels pressured to perform. He's encouraging me to not surprise him like I have been. I asked him if he still finds me attractive or if there's anything wrong in the relationship that's curbing his enthusiasm, and he assured me that everything's fine and that he still finds me attractive. It still doesn't make sense to me, though. We used to be so passionate. He's even less affectionate, overall. I feel like something's off. Maybe it's just him and his confidence, and it really has nothing to do with me. I'm not sure though. I don't know what to do to resolve this because he's giving no reasons for his actions, and explains that he's happy in the relationship. This really isn't an issue of needing more sex for me, per se, but feeling like there's a lack of intimacy overall. When he gets home from work, be buries himself in video games or tv. Overall, there's less conversation too. On the weekends, we are active together in sports and exercise; that's when I do feel close to him. I wish I knew how to resolve this.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Unfortunately, I see the disparity of sex drives in a lot of couples relationships on dearcupid.
It sounds like you've hit a bit of a lull and I have to commend you on your tactics. Right down the line, you've done exactly what I would've done.
What is interesting to me is that your boyfriend hasn't responded. Most guys would jump at the chance to have sex at their age.
Your timing could be off. Perhaps after a hard day at the office he is wiped out and he needs a bit of time to decompress before being called into sexual action. Are your sessions marathon sessions? If they are going on for a lengthy amount of time, or are repetitive in nature, he could be a little tired or burned out, despite your best efforts.
Finally, I think you need to have a talk with him about what is going on. Ask him if there is something you are doing (or not doing) that is turning him off. Does he still find you attractive? Does he not like orgasms? Does he realize that when he says no to your advances that you take it personally? Is his sex drive not as high? These are all questions that could be brought up during a time of intimacy.
Also, please note that if you are getting thinner you are likely exercising, which increases libido. You may want to enlist him in your workout efforts and hope that it works for him as well.
Ultimately, I think you are overdue for a talk and hopefully you'll be able to accept his responses (which may be simply that his sex drive is lower than yours).
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): OP the problem here seems to be it's all on his terms. No more morning sex or sex that only benefits him, he's getting sex in the mornings then he's good for the day,then when you get in the mood later he's not bothered. He's getting his fill for the day and you're only half awake.
No more sex just to fulfil him. Next time he wants to have sex in the morning tell him to save it for later, that you'll make it worth his while.
Look OP, he's stopped putting in the effort and is perfectly happy to have a quick fumble in the mornings then do nothing for the rest of the day. That doesn't suit you anymore so don't do it. You're not going to be denying him sex, you just want to save it for later when you both can enjoy it. I mean which would rather, him spending his time at work sexually satisfied and grand or him at work unsatisfied and letting his need for sex build up?
Seriously he's not a randy teenage boy OP, if he gets his fill for the day in the mornings then that's a bad habit you have to get out of. He's not too tired OP, but he's already had his so he's making excuses.
You just have to manage this properly so you get what you need. If he doesn't get sex in the morning he'll be more likely to be horny in the evening. If he's not willing to step up and fulfil your needs OP then you have to give him extra incentive by only scheduling sex around times that suit you both. If he starts complaining about the lack of morning sex ask him why he won't wait until later when you both can enjoy it, instead of taking you when you're half asleep and can't get the most out of it.
OP unless he's ill then tiredness is not an excuse, especially if he's been working this job all the this time and still was able to perform.
It sounds like you've let him get into a comfortable routine of a morning quickie to satisfy him then letting him get away with being "tired" in the evenings. Don't let him use the tired excuse to try and persuade you into morning sex either. If he wants sex he has to put in the effort you know he's capable of.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Hi
Try holding back on the pressure to get him to perform , you have tried all the tricks , youve talked to him theres not much more you can do . Leave it for a month or so and see how he is. Two years isnt a long way into things so somethings bothering him , listen dont talk for a bit.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 It sounds to me as though he's either got something on his mind or is losing interest in the relationship as a whole.
Doing everything for him and on his terms is hardly going to add any spark or spice. It actually encourages complacency and narcissism. He doesn't have to earn your affection if it's handed to him on a platter.
Put the spark back in your own life. Get out, do interesting things, meet new people, travel, take up a hobby, join a class. Don't be so available and predictable. If you're happy and fulfilled he may want to be part of that.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Let him figure this out. When you do all the working it makes him feel worse as if he is really losing it and you need to do extras to raise his manhood. He might be at an age when getting it up is not as easy as in his twenties. Still you shouldn't just sit in silence. Make it known that it is not the lack of sex that causes problems. Sex is not love but intimacy is important too. It is the non communication and the stonewalling that bothers you. You are the younger one and he feels pressured that he may not keep up with you. It's his worry that one day his penis will stop working and you will look elsewhere. Communicate with him that you love many qualities of him, not just sex. This is the time when you appeal to his emotional side and the priority is on communicating feelings of love, and not keeping the routine of sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (18 April 2012):
 It could be a variety of factors such as
either being very stressed with alot going on his mind, depressed, anxious.
You may have communicated your needs but sounds as if he wasn't listening as things havent changed.
Ask him to tell you what is on his mind.
Ask him to open up and let you in to how he is feeling because something is definately going on.
He's already told you he is tired and not in the mood , this means he has something in his life causing him to be that way, so ask what, and be loving and supportive.
In this way your relationship will only improve and get better!
Good luck!
...............................
|
