A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so glad I came across this site. I need some suggestions on how to get over my lover.I am a married woman with no children and I have been having an affair with a married man for 4 years. His wife has just found out due to some old emails and it has escalated from there. First they got past the emails because he was able to downplay it. Then she found more emails (he apparently didn’t delete them all like he thought). These emails were a bit more damaging, but didn’t mention anything sexual. It was sent on a Sunday morning and he was asking me to come home and was disappointed he couldn’t talk because his wife was upstairs. Nonetheless, she continued to dig and got a hold of his private credit card statement where he had bought me some bras and panties at Victoria’s Secret and also some jewelry. I haven’t had contact with him in a few days, so I don’t know what the current situation is at home. They have been married 29 years and have 3 adult children. They are a very close family and I know he never intended to leave his wife for me. I have been married for 8.My lover and I work in the same industry and travel a lot for work, so we were able to spend a lot of time together. We went on multiple vacations together, one was even to the state and town where he grew up (this required plane travel). We talked multiple times a day and saw each other 2-3 times a week if not every day of the week at some point. We typically would have an overnight date once a week or at least 2 times a month. We also met up on the weekends for an hour or so to see each other. We have become very good friends and are so integrated in each other’s lives. We became very close and it was so much more than a sexual relationship. We fulfilled so much of what we were missing in our current marriages. We were in love with each other. We told each other all the time. He said it first after about a year and a half. I took about 2 years. I truly love him as I know he does me. I also know that he loves his wife. They have built a family together and have a great social life together. Their problem is they don’t spend time with each other. It is all based around the family or friends. They have very much drifted apart. I mentioned I knew he wouldn’t leave his wife and I never wanted to leave my husband although we fantasized about it a lot. His kids are so important to him that he didn’t want to upset the family unit. I have been with my husband for 16 years total, so I feel as if my husband is my family as well. I also knew that if he and I were together "officially" that I would lose my opportunity to have children. He doesn’t want anymore kids. He was the right guy in the wrong lifetime.My question is… how do I get over this? I am devastated to say the least. My husband knows I am a little upset but doesn’t know why. I can’t sleep, I can’t even make myself eat, I can’t concentrate. I am an absolute mess. The thing is… I had been feeling a bit sad about our relationship- it is wrong, I wanted my life back. I was sick of hiding my cell phone, tired of meeting up with him on the weekends, wanted to get more involved with my job etc. It was really starting to wear on me but I didn’t ever want to end all communication with him. I miss his friendship. The sex was great, yes, but I would trade that just to be friends with him.How do I move on? I can’t stop crying. How long is this going to take for me to get over him? Everything I read says that the withdrawal is like a drug. I get that, because I feel it! I can’t find any posts with someone that has been with their lover for my extent of time. Any help that someone can pass my way would be appreciated.I do have one friend that was aware of the affair and knows my "friend". I have been leaning on him, but I am sure I am driving him crazy.Help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): Tough situation. We all make mistakes and have to deal with the consequences of them. Hopefully, we learn from them as well. I think this is the time to sit back and evaluate your marriage. Do not look back 15 years from now and wonder why you are still in a loveless relationship. It will surely be hard to leave but long term it sounds like the best thing for everyone involved. People grow apart....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Dear Friend,
This is another similar story...a woman at her early 30's met a 20 years older man in business, then he started to approch her and claimed that his 2nd wife moved out few months ago, and he is 'separated'. Skipping all sweetie words, about 6 months later, after they had 1st night, he started to tell the younger woman that he only wanted 'no expectation, no promise' relationship, he doesnt want to divorce to his wife, because divorce costs half of his properties. At the same time, he was still texting her and saying hi, chating with her everyday, and seeking opportunities to see her and spend nights together. As same as you, the yonger woman just didnt believe that such nice man would lie to her about his marriage, and even was trying to be 'considerate'.
It lasted about 1 year, then younger woman then started to have doubts about - 'is he really separated or what'? She did Google him and his family, and discovered that his wife and her family actually are very passionate to show off the 'perfection' of their family. Apperantly, the younger woman found more, and more family photoes before and after they both got involved, in which he has been showing as loving husband, husband of daughter/sis/mom to his wife's family, and he has participated every family events, Christmas, family unions, picnic, Jul 4th, Thanksgiving, then Christmas again, etc. Then the younger woman fell into deep deep hurting and questioning to herself, what's truth? Still, that man then was telling the younger woman that he 'likes her (his wife), but not share the same closeness with you (the younger woman)'....
Was there true love between the younger woman and older man? I don't know, but I doubt, because, it's supposed to be natural that if a man truly loves a woman, he would want her completely (other than sharing with another man), and he would not put the woman he loves to the situation that not being respected and accepted by public.
I am still learning the story and how it would take further...
BTW, there is no money involved from the beginning to the end, actually the younger woman was the one who has been giving nice gifts, doing nice things in hopes of providing to that man the feeling of being cared, desired, and loved...the latest status of the story is, the old man said to the women, "it's more than I expect...'
Shall this women tell the wife, what has happened with his husband? I dont have the answer yet...
How long will it to heal and get over the lose and hurt? I don't have the answer either...
I would guess that there are two things are more important, when you feel hurting by someone, you still can retain the quality not to hurt back; when you doubt about your choice, trust that you had done your best based on your acknolowdge, that helps you to heal the hurts at heart....sometime, you just didnt know the turth...
Take care, and you will be just fine...:-)
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 To be fair to the OP: To claim that she has dependency issues for leaning on her male friend is a bit unfair.
She was having an affair. If you want to keep it secret, you don't exactly shout it on the rooftops and tell all of your friends.
She shared this info with one friend. He was male. Now that everything has fallen apart, she is looking for someone to talk to. She really only has one option.
Ideally you would want to talk to your best friend about an issue affecting her to this degree, and ideally your best friend would be your partner.
In this instance, neither of those is the case, and the subject matter is such that she can't talk to her husband.
To try to internally absorb the amount of heartache she is experiencing without leaning on someone else for help is a near impossibility. I think we've all been there.
In a time like this you NEED someone to lean on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): OP I am sorry I have upset you with my harsh view of your affair. But if it has made you uneasy, pricked your conscious and moved you from the denial phase.... Then it wasn't bad. I am sorry I have told you what you needed to hear, not what you wanted to hear.
OP, as difficult as my responses were, I am glad it has finally got you realising the magnitude of this betrayal.
Go well OP, make wise decisions hereinafter....
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): OP I am sorry I have upset you with my harsh view of your affair. But if it has made you uneasy, pricked your conscious and moved you from the denial phase.... Then it wasn't bad. I am sorry I have told you what you needed to hear, not what you wanted to hear.
OP, as difficult as my responses were, I am glad it has finally got you realising the magnitude of this betrayal.
Go well OP, make wise decisions hereinafter....
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): OP I am sorry I have upset you with my harsh view of your affair. But if it has made you uneasy, pricked your conscious and moved you from the denial phase.... Then it wasn't bad. I am sorry I have told you what you needed to hear, not what you wanted to hear.
OP, as difficult as my responses were, I am glad it has finally got you realising the magnitude of this betrayal.
Go well OP, make wise decisions hereinafter....
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLove Girl- Please move on.. You have said your peace- I hear you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): OP, you may not have a sexual relationship with your "friend" (I know this man is Not your lover) but you are now depending on him to get you through this mess. As I said you perhaps are too defendant on men: so now what happens? Your married lover dumps you for his family. You are now seeking emotional support from a close friend (another man). All in the meanwhile your hb still remains clueless? As yourself this: if your MMs wife didn't discover your affair, would u still be sneaking around on your hb, pretending to be faithful? I think you would answer Yes to this. So now great remorse only bec u have been caught 4 years later? Can you see the mockery of this all?So what do u do now? Keep pretending? Do u just steal the remaining years from your hb? Do u still find yourself "lonely" again and somehow find another affair partner? Have u noticed this: that u claimed to be "lonely" therefore u started sleeping around, now that u have been sidelined by your lover, your life is more empty than before? More lonely than before? More shallow even? You do have one thing wrong: yes you believe I am judging you -that I am throwing this harsh advice at you, but all that I have said, you already know. Its nothing new. Its nothing new. It was just your choice to ignore the practicalities and you plunged headon!not caring about your faithful hb waiting for you at home! That is a huge difference!If you really want to show u have changed and that u can be a better you then u need to release your hb from this toxic situation you have created. Not an easy decision but a right one!One last question: you seem to judge his wife as well. How certain are u that she did not fulfill her wifely obligations. Last time I cheacked, mature married woman also like to screw, they just don't want to screwed around. So for 4 years this man has not had sex with his wife????LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe man that I am speaking to about my affair for some support is not my lover. Nor will he ever be. We have been friends for MANY years and there is nothing sexual between us. And there never will be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): It sounds like part of you is relieved that this is over, because of the dishonesty involved. Any breakup is bound to hurt whether it was right or not, so don't expect too much of yourself at the moment.The way forward I think would be to ask try and rebuild the relationship with your husband, and take a look at the rest of your life to try and find what was missing. Relationships aren't everything: maybe you need some new interests.I hope this doesn't sound glib; not meant that way. Hoping that my contribution along with the others will help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl-
Wow... strong opinion. Must be a great feeling to sit behind a computer and be able to judge someone with so much clarity. Yes, I do know how to spell. I went to college, I shower every day and amazingly enough, I have all of my teeth and they are even straight to boot.
I appreciate your opinion and I am VERY well aware of what I did was wrong. I am very aware that my husband deserves better and I am very aware that I have been selfish. However, you not knowing the dynamics of my life or my marriage, people make mistakes. I am most certainly not without error in my lifetime. Has my husband made mistakes, yes. Have most people, I would believe so. This is a huge mistake. Does my husband have some responsibility in why I possibly might have strayed, yes. I am not blaming him for what I have done, but my needs were being met either.Two people are in a relationship. He knows that I have been lonely, we have talked about it numerous times.
I could have gave the same advice.. no kidding this was wrong, no kidding my husband deserves better. I had an affair! Nothing about that is right.. society doesnt give a thumbs up when someone has an affair. It isnt a pat on the back, good job.
I dont loathe my MMs wife, she is actually a great mom and wife. She is just that- a wife. Cooks dinner, does the dishes, cleans the house. That isnt a partner, that is where my frustration had come from. My MM has chosen as I knew he would as I also would have. His kids are older but they are always together. They go to the theatre, vacations, baseball games etc together all the time. They are a close family as a family. Husband and wife arent close as a unit.
I didnt want to leave my husband either. I am a weak person. I have never really been without a partner. I completely admit to my short comings. I am def in a mode of self realization.
It is very easy to give advice when you arent emotionally involved which is why this a great forum. All of the comments are on the same lines but please people.. think back to your first love or a serious heartbreak in your life- right or wrong or for whatever reason you split- it hurts and it hurts really badly. That is what I am feeling right now. I know this is my payback for doing the wrong thing, I get it. In the meanwhile, I still need to get my heart to mend- that is what I am reaching out about. The details of how I got here are everyones main focus.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): To the Last Male Anon: wise words indeed ,sir!"....Cheaters try to justify what they are doing all the time, whether it is a month, a year, or 4 years, it is all the same......" In fear of repeating myself: Thank goodness there are no kids to be destoryed in this mess.As for the Married mans wife: she is not as stupid as you would like to perceive her to be. she is human, she hurts too, she too is devastated (as your hb will soon be) and basically you may think you are better than her, but honestly, better than what???"...I do have one friend that was aware of the affair and knows my "friend". I have been leaning on him, but I am sure I am driving him crazy...." Dont know whether the others have picked up on this: but you are now USING snother man to remain yor so called emotional fragile state. You sleep with another man for 4 years, now that your game has been discovered yo are now investing into another emotional bond with another man who is not your husband. From one affair to the next????????? What have you learnt from this mess. You are now involving another man in this mess!!!!!!!!!!1May I respectfully suggest: prompt counselling because you have a dependancy element which is sooo frightening. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): "...I am not sure if I am ready to give up my marriage..."
This is such a selfish statement: but then your 4 year old affair has been nothing but selfish.
You seem to loathe your Married mans wife: but aren't you the same? Keeping up pretenses? A case of the kettle calling the Pot black?
For 4 years you disinvested in your hb, your home and your lives together. You preferred slinking away into alleyways with your married lover instead of being with your hb.
I am glad there are no children (yours) because they would have to live with this mess you have chosen.
How do you get over your affair? Start with growing a conscious! Be able to identity right from wrong. See the error of your ways!
Your hb has wasted 16 of his very precious life with you. Don't steal any more years from his life.
Do the honourable thing (if you even know how to spell 'honour') and release your hb. Allow him the opportunity to find true love and passion with a woman who will invest in him and their lives, a woman who will value him, RESPECT him, and treasure him. You are clearly NOT that woman.
Many many adulterers are selfish: just like you. Its all about Me, Me, Me!
Both you and your Married Man have had your cake, the cream and an now it is time to face the aftermath of your betrayal.
Isn't it funny how your MM set the rules from day one and you just accepted it, and thought you were in your element: being non the wiser ( or choosing to be non the wiser) that you always remained second best, always were the behind the scenes sex participant: nothing mare, nothing less.
Time for Choices and decisions.
As for your MM, he already choose....
So whether he gets booted out by his wife, or Chooses to leave her, you will not have him as a proper life partner. You are so used to sneaking around and so used to the illicit that u. Will not be able to make that transition from mistress/lover to normal Faithful partner...
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Cheaters try to justify what they are doing all the time, whether it is a month, a year, or 4 years, it is all the same.
If you are going behind the back of the spouse, and chatting up to fucking someone else, you are cheating and taking unfair advantage of the spouse you are doing it to. Your secrecy is a manner of denying them the right to make their own decisions and to live with or live without you.
You are selfish.
You are behaving selfishly.
That is all there is to this. You are upset because your selfish affair has come to an end, because the secrecy has come to an end, and now the other people in the affair have knowledge that gives them equal ability to make choices.
Stop being selfish.
Stop whining.
Get a counselor and try to figure out why you would treat you husband this way. You could leave him, you could divorce him, you could have told him.
He deserves to know.
As long as you keep this secret, you are being selfish in your own interest only, in your current relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I think your main problem is that you're too afraid to be alone that it paralyzes you and prevents you from living a full life.
That's why you hang onto your husband even though you obviously are not being fulfilled emotionally or physically by him. And as long as you're technically married but still unfulfilled, the only kind of relationship that's available to you to fulfill you is a secret and illicit affair.
I think you need to develop your confidence to be alone. Because only if you're alone can you have the opportunity to find a better and real relationship.
You mentioned you might want kids in the future. I hope you will not stay with your husband just so you can have kids, when you still don't love him. Maybe your biological clock should give you a sense of urgency to end your marriage so you can find a better mate who will provide you with a family and the love and fulfillment that you seek.
As long as you allow your fears to rule your life, you'll always be making bad decisions and finding yourself in situations like this. and the longer you continue to be paralyzed, the more doors will close for you (such as the biological clock) and leave you with only bad options to choose from.
lots of people go through divorce. It's not this unfathomable thing. Join a divorce support group.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I doubt this guy's family is 'way too important' to him. His children are all grown up so I really don't understand what his excuse is of staying for the sake of the family?
if his family really was that important to him he would want the situation to be real and honest, he would accept their anger and disappointment in him and make amends for being flawed and not be sneaking around behind them trying to stop them knowing who he really is.
I think he's just a coward, and weak, and nothing more. He is using "family" as an excuse to avoid having his reputation hurt. and maybe his wife is too. it sounds like they are both more concerned with keeping up appearances of what they THINK a perfect family should look like, and not willing to actually do what it takes that's in the best interest of their family.
People who are more concerned with presenting a picture-perfect appearance to the world, are selfish and conceited. maybe both him and his wife are selfish that way. I pity the both of them.
You don't need a person like this. He's a coward and just interested in making himself look good to the world rather than actually being a better person even though he's hurting on the inside from a bad marriage.
oh sure now they are trying to figure out what went wrong in the marriage...but some times it's just too late. The time for them to have done this was over 4 years ago. the longer you wait to fix a broken marriage, the harder it is.
many if not most marriages never fully recover from a spouse's adultery anyway. They may continue to stay together but there will always be a distance between them. he may end up having an affair with someone else in the future.
I think you should think about these things when you're trying to get over him. focus on the kind of person he truly is. Actions speak louder than words. Think about what a flawed and cowardly selfish person he is. If he was a real man, he would not be trying to win his wife back now, the nerve of him...if he was a real man he wouldn't have betrayed her, and then when caught and found out he wouldn't be trying to win her back. you don't need someone like this in your life.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Quickly! Who is your primary guy?
Who do you want to grow old with?
EEEHHHHGGGGNNNKKKKK.
That's all the time you have.
Him or him.
Pick!
Quickly!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to those that have posted a response. Most of you have commented on my current relationship with my husband. I am not sure if I am ready to give up my marriage but it is definitely something to ponder. I just dont think I can do two breakups at the same time.. I guess this is to be continued...
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (22 June 2011):
You are most welcome :-)
(Oh and I know the sort of wife she is now! lol and no they seem to always take their men back-sometimes I wonder if this is really what they want or to prove something to the other woman?)
You sound like you've got your head screwed on tbh, and I think you deserve so much more than someone who can only be your part-time partner.
Just take some time to have a good think about what you want (kids/husband etc), and learn from your mistakes, like I said, we'll all make them and no-one is perfect! ;-)
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2011):
I would think that staying in a marriage that is so unfulfilling and unhappy is worse for you than the break up of the affair.
I have friends who are struggling in their marriages but the infidelity generally seems to be be the point of no return.
My parents are in their 80s now, their friends are either dead or dying or are in some way incapacitated, like my parents. The marriages that were happy love stories remain happy love stories. The ones that suffered from neglect or cheating are rather pathetic.
I'm not getting any younger myself and I don't see any reason to waste good air, good life, good energy and good experiences on a guy who doesn't do it for me.
I've seen Alzheimers and breast cancer and infidelity in a marriage. No question, infidelity seems to be the relationship-killer.
If you want X out of life, why settle for Y? Especially as you have no permanent bonds that tie you to the man. Go live life out loud. Go wear the clothes that are not age-appropriate and take classes in the things that interest you and just be true to yourself.
You are right where you left yourself. If it is not where you want to be, then it's up to you to make the change.
*Now* sounds like a good time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): I think you and your affair partner need to "man up" and divorce from your marriages and be together. this is why divorce exists. It's so that people who don't make good marriage partners, don't have to remain married.Your lover is confusing and blurring family love and commitment, with marital love and commitment. As is often the case with married men who have affairs - not just the kind of one night stands but full blown relationships with other women whom they love. In the ideal situation both the family and the life-partner would come together in the same package meaning the wife would be someone he loves as a spouse and true partner and together they share a family. This is the ideal, of course, and the best situation for the children.But in reality it is often separate entities - the family and children are tied to the woman who is not his true soul mate and someone else is. If his wife isn't his soul mate, then he is not hers either so she's not getting fulfilled by the marriage either, long before she found out about the affair. And I can understand what you mean by seeing your husband as a family member because you've been together so long, but it's probably more like you see him as a brother or roommate. but again if your heart is with someone else, then your marriage isn't really a marriage except on paper, it's more of a roommate situation. And this is not fair to your husband. You shouldn't get over your fear of hurting your husband with the truth (that you don't love him the way you want to love a partner) because the truth doesn't go away by itself. in the long run it's hurting him more because you're preventing him from moving on with his life when he really needs to but doesn't know that he needs to.Again this is why divorce exists, it is so people can finally be honest and re-arrange their lives to live more effectively and stop hurting others. It is not the divorce itself that hurts spouses and children, it's all the stuff that came before the divorce, the divorce just makes things official and allows people to legally have the opportunity to move on rather than being trapped in the damaging situations indefinitely.Is your lover living 'effectively' now? Are you? have you for the last 4 years? It may have been up until he got caught. But even then the situation was always tenuous. I think that if you and him had always admitted to each other that you loved each other, and had not taken steps to break up your relationship but instead continued fostering it and growing it, then you absolutely owe it to your spouses to divorce them. I think this is still the case.in this day and age, where divorce and re-marriage are common, there is no excuse not to do it if the situation calls for it. People decry the high divorce rate, but I think it's a sign of more people being honest now. Affairs have always existed since the beginning of civilization, so marriages have always been getting destroyed, it's not a modern phenomenon. But divorce being more accepted and common, is a relief because it allows people to be honest in ways that they were not allowed to in centuries and generations past. Love for children is one thing - living a fake life is something else and using the children as an excuse to live a fake life of dishonesty is wrong. He may stay with his wife physically, but his mind and spirit are still being fake to her. Many people are brave enough to get divorced and work to re-organize every one's lives including that of the children in a more honest situation. Keeping together a lie and a sham family life (and yes it is a sham if the husband/father is living a secret life on the side) is pretty bad. And besides his children are now grown, so???I think this situation is a sign that you really should divorce your husband. then you can be free to find a better relationship, one that does meet your needs, and you won't be stringing your husband along any more. And maybe talk with your lover about finally leaving his wife. If his wife now knows about the affair, his marriage may come to an end anyway. I can't see that his wife would want to stay married to him after knowing he's been betraying her for four years, that would probably ruin her more than divorce would because she would have to see him every day and be reminded of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFate100percent- Thank you for the reply.No, I dont think she will contact my husband. She is a very private person and their kids are unaware of the situation even as they have spent some time together over this ordeal. She is very much the type of woman that needs to show the world her "perfect" life. Best kids, house etc.. best husband. I think she will try to forgive him so she can maintain the quality of life she has had thus far. She hasnt worked since she has been married.. she is 51. I know they have been talking alot about what has gone wrong in their marriage. I am not sure if at this point she knows we have been sexual. I dont know alot of the detail of what she actually knows. If she does kick him out, which I doubt would happen, I still dont necessarily think he would ask me to come with him. I think he would try to win her back. His family is way too important to him. (although his actions dont show that) Classic- wanting the cake and eating it too. And as I mentioned to Tisha, I dont know that I would actually want to be with him. He is 15 years older, has 3 adult kids, the oldest being 26 and married. I am 36 with no kids and I am not 100% sure I dont want them. That would be a very tough question, should he ask me that. We have alot of things against us.Thanks for your response..
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (22 June 2011):
That's the trouble if you have an affair, you can't really talk to anyone about how you are feeling when it ends (and it always does come to an end).I don't think you can remain friends with him, especially as his wife now knows? If he decides to stay with her, she would not accept that and she would have a fair point! If I were you, I would be worried she might tell your husband. Is there a possibility she might do that? (You know to be spiteful I mean/get back at you?) Because if there is you may have to own up to your husband first.As for how long you will take to get over it? I'm guessing longer than a normal relationship (because if you had been seeing someone exclusively for the same amount of time, all your friends and family would be able to rally round to help).I think you will get over it quicker by not being in contact with him though. (I'm assuming he is going to stay with the wife and not leave her for you? Have you thought about what if she kicks him out, and he asks you to be with him btw?) Do his kids know what's happened? Because they are innocent in this too.Lastly, if you are not happy in your marriage and you have no kids, why do you stay? Life is too short to waste it with the wrong person. Are you sure your husband has no idea? (with you not eating, unable to concentrate etc?)Maybe this is a wake-up call to make your own life as happy as it can be, whether that's working on your marriage, being single, or trying to make a go of it with the affair guy? You have lots of thinking to do. I wish you well with that. No-one is perfect and we all make mistakes, but now is the time to face the music, and sort your happyiness and life out.Affairs always end up in heartbreak, and innocent people's lives get hurt from them :-(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1,Thank you for your response. You certainly told it like it is. Very true comments regarding my husband, he deserves better, as do I. I have certainly learned that I am a very weak person when it comes to love. I have been with my husband for 16 years- we have a very long history together and I really need to be more honest with him in regards to what I need. Although I say my lover was my "perfect" man, he had his challenges as well and as much as I love him, I dont think we could ever live a happy life together regardless. But.. life does go on and this is just one of many bumps I am sure I will endure on this journey. Thank you
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (22 June 2011):
I'm not sure what to tell you, here. Normally this is the sort of thing that you would want to lean on your partner for, but that obviously isn't possible here.
The only thing i can think is: if you truly love your husband and value your marriage then this is all probably a blessing in disguise.
In a situation like the one you describe, someone was going to get hurt at some point. You should count yourself lucky that it appears as if your husband will never know.
I would imagine this is probably like any other breakup, the only difference is this one was forced upon you. Time heals all wounds.
It hurts like hell right now. Over time it'll become more bearable. I recommend finding something to keep yourself busy.
Do you have a hobby? Anything like that?
I remember a particular painful breakup i endured where i bought all 5 seasons of a particular show on DVD, and then watched them all over the course of a month.
It helped.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2011):
Part of the problem, of course, is that you can't tell anyone what your sorrow is. Ah, well, you must have known that this day would come eventually. Now you face that reality.
Recognize that you are going through the typical stages of grief following the end of a relationship. Research the phases of grief and this will help you understand your feelings at this particular time.
I saved this link because I liked the strategy he outlines in it: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
All that being said. Aren't you too young to be stuck with the wrong guy forever? We only get the one go-through in life and if your husband doesn't float your boat, maybe it's time to lift anchor and sail off to the next chapter. It would give your husband a chance to find a woman who is totally and utterly in love with him and who would cherish and love him in a way that you haven't been able to do.
And then you could be honest about your feelings and your sadness. You wouldn't have to pretend and be fake and basically lie to everyone around you.
Yes, it's upsetting but this might be the signal that you are not where you should be in life. It would be a great pity to look back in 30 or so years and regret that you lacked the courage to live life with integrity and honesty. It would be a great pity to look back and realize that you'd robbed your husband of his chance of true love.
Maybe this is your wake up call. Time to answer and wake up from the fantasy and instead move into your new reality, your new 'normal.' Wouldn't that be an outcome you'd prefer to hiding and lying?
Good luck as you go through the process of grieving.
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female
reader, kitty85 +, writes (22 June 2011):
Hey!Firstly you are a really brave person for breaking from your lover. 4 years IS a long time and it will hurt. This is a cliche, but time really is the greatest healer. I know that you don't feel like this now, there will come a time where you will feel better. The end of a relationship is like someone dying, you ARE you to grieve for it and that is completely natural. The best advice i can give...(sounds pretty lousy but it works) just let yourself feel what you need to feel. If you feel upset, allow yourself the time to be upset. If you want to cry then cry. This will help aid the healing process. Your friend will not mind you leaning on him! that is what friends are for! i am sure you arent driving him crazy.Just look after yourself, cook nice food, relax do things you enjoy to do. Maybe consider some counselling to help if you need someone impartial to talk to.Hope this helps. Trust me you are a strong person and you feel better with time x
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