A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedlover10
writes:My ex and I were together for a year and we've been broken up for 4mos. He came back a month ago wanting a second chance but then changed his mind. He says that he doesn't want to be with me because I have a child. I'm trying my best not to cry while writing this :( he says that won't be able to have all of me so he doesn't want to be with me since I have a child. When we first started dating, he said he didn't mind taking the back seat if it was was the right reason. Here's the kicker...ready? he got a girl pregnant on highschool! Oh difference between me and him, is that his baby was a still born and didn't make it. Does this make any sense?! I know it's not an excuse because he has said this and tried to leave more than once because I have a child. I'm a very sweet girl, I never treat him bad, I give him all the time I can, I'm always there when he calls or needs me, I was seeing him every weekend because I was the only one with a car and a job. I've decided to not talk to him anymore. My daughter is 2yrs old and she really loves this guy. When I hug him, she hugs him on the leg, she's always asking for him and when he's not around she wonders when she will see him again. His mother asks about my daughter and his father even wanted papers to sign the guy's name that I was dating to adopt her. He was so surprised at well my daughter responded to the guy I was dating. Me and this guy have known each other for almost 2yrs so I had to introduce them sooner or later. At first he said he'd be every thing that her dad wasn't. He dad and I don't speak so there is absolutely no drama. I hate the fact that I'm pretty much mom and dad but that's the life I chose I guess. I just feel like I will never find love anymore. He isn't the first guy to leave because I have a child. It's extremely difficult to wrap my head around the fact that this guy was pretty much in the same position I'm in but wants to judge and ridicule me. What should I do?? What is your opinion? Please help. Thanks in advance! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 June 2015):
 OP,
I was thinking some more about this and I came to the conclusion that there are MANY reasons why a person rejects another person as a romantic interest.
NOT being ready for the emotional responsibility of dating a woman with a child is actually a pretty tame one.
Would you rather he didn't want to date you because you weren't a virgin? Or you had brown hair? Or you weren't short enough? Your boobs weren't big enough?
Him not wanting to date you ISN'T about you. It's about HIM. He feels he is still LACKING the maturity to deal with a package deal. HE is the one LACKING. NOT you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015): I was a single mother with three children before I married and I certainly didn't find my potential partner pool limited . There were many men who were I intereated in pursuing me but I did in fact find my potential douchebag pool limited . The guys who just wanted sex or to party were more inclined to look for girls with similar ambitions whereas I found a higher calibre of man who was more settled and mature This guy may not be one of the douchebags but he has clearly let you know that he is not looking for the settled family commitment that you and your child deserve . Why worry about that . You simply are at differnt places on your lives and you will be much happier letting him go and find whatever it is he thinks will make him happy . Concentrate on your and your child's happiness and let the right relationship fall into place
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): I'm sorry you are facing this but I don't think anyone should hold it against him.If an unmarried early 20s guy asked people for advice, "should I father a child with my girlfriend now?" I don't think he would get a lot of yes answers. In this case the child already exists, but all the reasons why HE wouldn't be making the greatest choice by fathering a child still apply. Having a child is life-altering both emotionally and physically. It brings many big, tangible, permanent changes. I'm sure you know this as well as anyone.Many adults out there decide they never want children. Even more people are sure they don't want them yet at his age even if they want them later. Even more people feel they aren't ready to make the decision either way at his age.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Charlotte  +, writes (24 June 2015):
I think its always tough when it comes to relationships, and to add a child to the mix! Sometimes, the truth is not want we want to hear. Clearly both you and your daughter love him, and you want him in your lives. There is no shame in that. He has clearly stated he doesn't want to be with you because of your child after a certain time. At the end of the day, a man who is ready for that sort of commitment will love you no matter what. And it sounds like your boyfriend at this stage is not ready, and thats ok. Hard to hear but at least he was honest. You are lovely within yourself, and have the wonderful privilege of being a mother to a lovely little girl. Any man who comes into your life, will need to be ready for that and fact of the matter is some simply arent. I would advise you not to involve your child early on if the relationship is in its early days but other than that let your bf go if he wants to. You cannot keep someone who does not want to stay. When the right one comes, he won't want to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): Please understand that you chose to be a single mom, and that severely limits the dating pool for you. Sorry, that was what you chose with your own actions. Leave that guy alone, he clearly said he does not want to date a single mom. Sorry, it hurts, but that is life. If it is the hardest thing you have happening to you right now you can count yourself quite fortunate. I am sure you can find another partner when you and your daughter are a bit older. More men will be divorced with kids of thier own when you get to your 30's, and you may have better luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2015):
 He is not judging and ridiculing you, why do you say that ?! He, quite simply, does not want to date a single mom,and does not want a ready made family. That's his legitimate preference, for whatever reason of his, and does not imply a moral judgement about you or your life choices. He just realized that the partner he is looking for is a baggage-free person. You are not such, so you can't be his partner.
I do not think he is ridiculing anybody, he is just applying his right of choosing what he feels is best for him. Same as you would , or as you probably did, in rejecting someone because of his X habit or behaviour or physical/ personality trait. As you say yourself , this is not the first time that this happens, and, I don't want to jinx you, but may not be the last. There are men who do not mind at all taking up the role of stepfather , and others who do not feel cut out for that , particularly at such a young age. You may call them "selfish " till Doomsday, but that won't change the reality of the fact that for several men the presence of a child on the scene is a deal breaker.
If then we want to say that his outburst of honesty came a bit late, and that he has been sort of wishy washy, yes, I agree with that. In fact, although you say this is not the case, I can't help suspecting that maybe he wanted to break up anyway and your child is just an excuse, because it's the same child, and the same situation, which did not bother him at all at the beginning, when you too got together. Then again, ...he is young. Maybe under the initial pull of falling in love- and in lust ! - he got carried away and did not let himself reflect well about the issue, until, in time, it started nagging at him.
Anyway, I understand that you feel SAD, because you want this guy and can't have him. But, I think you have no real grounds to feel disparaged or humiliated, because nobody is pointing fingers at you. It's just that you and him do not want the same things.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (23 June 2015):
 OP the point isn't that he doesn't want to be with you.
The bigger issue is that YOU shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't love you for who you are.
You have a history, you have a baby daughter, you are a mother...all of this goes in making you who *you* are! If he doesn't love you because of all this, then that just goes to show you how he thinks of you. I would have said that maybe everyone wouldn't want to be with a single mother because of the additional baggage and responsibility of a child that comes along but since he's already almost been a dad himself, I'm really surprised at his judgmental attitude.
You know what, you're better off without him. Your little innocent daughter dotes on him and he doesn't give a hoot about her. Why do you even want this person to be in your lives? OP when someone genuinely loves you, they will love you FOR everything, not despite everything. If the right guy has to come along, then he will.
Nature and society are both extremely harsh on women. You see it from your own case OP. Just because he's a man, he got away with not having to take any responsibility and even if his baby was alive and healthy, I doubt if he would be willing to have anything to do with it, other than the customary legal duties of a father. On top of it, you're the one with the car and the job! Why do you even want to be with this guy? What's he even giving you apart from the male presence in your life?
Look at the father of your daughter. He's as much a parent of your child as you are, the child is as much his as yours, yet you are one who's taking full care and responsibility of the child while he's nowhere in the picture, probably happily living somewhere like a single guy.
Look at the silver lining OP, at least he was honest enough to tell you how he felt before there was a serious commitment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 June 2015):
What CAN you do?
ACCEPT it.
HE isn't ready or mature enough for the "family package" and THAT is what you have. A family package. It's YOU and YOUR daughter.
I don't think he is judging you or ridiculing you. I think he is finally being honest with WHAT he thinks he can handle. And honestly, if he CAN'T handle dating a single mom, HE isn't for you.
I have a niece who is a single mom of a 5 year old. She dated a pretty decent guy a while back, BUT he wasn't ready to be a "dad". And he was not willing to BOND with two people. Because a BF will eventually BOND with the child and then if it doesn't work out, he LOSES 2 people. Mom & child.
Just KNOW that YOU deserve more from a guy. If he can't handle the family package? HE isn't "good enough" for you.
There is nothing WRONG with you (or your daughter). IT just takes a LOT of maturity to date someone with a child and honestly, that might be a little hard in your age-group. But they do exist.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 June 2015):
Why are you crying??? You have a guy who wants you to give up your child so he can be with you...really? What are you suppose to do with your daughter?
He is using her as an excuse to leave...and I say thank goodness. He knew you had a child coming into this, and he wasted your time, love, and gave you hope for no reason...and you are crying over someone like this???
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (23 June 2015):
He isn’t judging you, he’s just being honest with you. There is no future for your relationship because he is not willing to accept your child. Personally, I find it a selfish reason that he gives, namely not wanting to share you with a child, but if that’s how he feels he deserves respect for being honest about that. Perhaps, on the other hand, it is too painful given what happened to his own baby. It is unfortunate for you that he wasn’t honest about this before you got close, though perhaps he genuinely believed he was okay with it. In any case, try not to feel bitter about it. All you can do when dating is take things slowly, be upfront from the start that you have a child and be clear with any suitor that if they can’t accept your child always coming first in your life, it’s going nowhere. Some people say that those who have a child value stability. In always having to put another first, they are not selfish, and more appreciative of caring qualities, so they actually prefer to date some-one with a child. You may find on-line dating works well for you as on many sites you can include or exclude people with children in any searches, and get a bit of background about some-one before you meet and allow yourself to get close to them. You may also find dating guys with children themselves works better for you. In any case, it is just a fact of life that, as a parent, there’s something about you that, for some, is a deal breaker. As it isn’t something you can or would wish to change, and it’s not a bad reflection on you. Just set out your stall early on, and take your time. Build trust and understanding. Your ex has let you down, though he deserves credit for eventually being honest. This does not mean the next person will.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): Looking at your age, I would assume he's also in his 20's?
He's not ready to be a father yet. As much as he loved you and the idea of being a father and role model to your child, he's just not ready for the responsibility yet.
You may think it's a positive sign when his parents push for his name to be on documents as your child's father, but to him it may not be such a positive thing, because he's not ready.
He's still young and as much as he wants to spend his life with you, he's not ready to give up that freedom of being single and carefree. He's not ready for the physical and financial responsibilty.
I say let hum go. Focus on your child for now. She should be the center of your world.
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