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How can I stop feeling so very angry with my ex boyfriend? ?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Friends, Health, Social Media, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 February 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 24 February 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi , I used to be in a relationship with this guy , we started off as being friends he was all pleasant he even sat alone with me to have lunch .

But then things started to change, we both developed romantic feelings for each other, we both fell in love. He changed completely. He would no longer sit with me for lunch, he would message me on Whatsapp . Then he told me that I shouldn’t tell me friends that I was in a relationship with him. I told my friends and family members everything about him. I didn’t trust him and neither did my family .

But I wanted to give that guy a chance I knew that he was dodgy but I wanted to change him . In my relationship with him, I also noticed that he never messaged me first it was always me doing it first. I did confront him a few times about the doubts I had of him, but he said that he took our relationship seriously and that “I was the only girl on his Whatsapp page”. I didn’t believe him, but pretended I did. Once I told him that I told one of my friends about him, he got really angry at this. And once he told me that I was to never sit with him if he was with his mates…. Again I went against this …. And sat with him and his mates. He hated it…. He wasn’t the same guy I met before who was all pleasant and charming. He was also very cold in our relationship …. There was no form of affection whatsoever . ……I dumped him because of the way he treated me…… I believed that I deserved better . We both go to the same college … So we see each other quite a lot ….which is really annoying…

He sees me and smiles or sometimes he would just look at me when we pass each other… or sometimes he would just forget I’m even there. Thankfully we don’t have the same lessons .

Every time I see him I just feel angry . I don’t know how to stop feeling like that. I’m assuming that he’s carrying on with this player business or something he was on his phone the other day smiling.

When I dumped him ..he didn’t want to have anything to do with me after … at the time I was heartbroken ..

But now I think I’m fine. Yet how can I get over this anger ? Sorry about the really long message.

I forgot to say that once I was sitting with him( this was when he were in a relationship ) I started talking to him and then he said this to me “Annie do your work” but I had already finished doing my work at the time . Weird thing was , was that he never told his friends to “do their work” he instead happily spoke to them. After our relationship ended I started to lose confidence in myself.

I used to have these thoughts in my head like : maybe I wasn’t pretty enough for him etc”….

But now I realise that I’m fine just the way I am …. he just failed to appreciate what a great and beautiful person I really am.

View related questions: confidence, fell in love, heartbroken, my ex, player

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A male reader, vijay pratap singh India +, writes (24 February 2017):

vijay pratap singh agony auntfirst of all remember this you are very lucky if that stupid boy left uh are a pure hearted person and that boy dont deserve such a beautiful girl if he does not respect uh.i know this is tuff tym for uh but trust me try to ignore him conpletely and focus on your carrier .develop a higher thought to discard the lower one ok..all the best and i am waiting for ur reply too

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2017):

I have a different take: I don't think this guy ever considered you a girlfriend or a friend. As someone mentioned, relationships shouldn't BE secret. Yes, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances (such as if you're in a society where coming out of the closet could mean death, or maybe you're dependent on family support and they'll pull that if you come out), but that's not the case here.

Keeping things private (such as how intimate you are, how much money you make, your medical records) is one thing, keeping a relationship secret is another.

Not only that, he didn't want you to get to know his friends even if you were having a simple LUNCH in a GROUP in PUBLIC with HIM present. Sounds to me like he's hiding you.

I'm seeing these two things as red flags. If he was OK when you were just friends, how was he when you chatted with some guy on the way to biology or on your way to work (for example)? If he was jealous, annoyed, or thought you were interested in the other guy, that also is a red flag.

I don't KNOW how intimate you were, but it sounds like as soon as you got intimate all that sweet, friendly stuff disappeared. That sadly happens a lot. My guess is that's all he wanted. But he wanted you all to himself AND he wanted to keep it "private" because he may have had several other girls in the same position.

Also, he went from friend to asshole, "Annie do your work," essentially meant, "shut up!" Friends don't talk to each other like that.

I can see why you resent him because he pulled the wool over your eyes and because you stuck around for it. Just keep in mind that he probably treats all girls like that. Take a deep breath, say a silent prayer for any girl and let God take care of him.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 February 2017):

This all boils down to, you were more into him than he was into you. That does not make him a bad guy, just because it didn't work-out between you. What made you decide to stop being just friends? That is the big question?

You started off as friends, then decided to change that. Adding a romantic-element to a once platonic-relationship is often a risk from the beginning. One person in the relationship starts to feel differently for the other; so they may mutually decide to explore the possibility of a romance.

It didn't work-out for him. You ignored all the signs of failure; and even worse, tried to "change him." It's not your responsibility to change anyone, but yourself. You can't make him into what you want him to be; the point of finding your best match is finding him already what you're looking for. Lovers can be friends, but friends can't always be your lover.

Turning friends into lovers is more of a convenience than a challenge, anyway. Familiarity as friends first, gives you a shortcut; but doesn't guarantee you a successful relationship, as people are quick to assume.

Being angry is coming from immaturity. Bitterness is hurting you, more than anybody else. I often discourage people from turning their friendships into romances; unless there is an over-powering chemistry and attraction that forced the relationship to change direction. Those succeed, because destiny was the deciding factor.

Too many start from infatuation; when one friend professes their romantic-feelings for the other. Basically forcing a friend to feel obligated to given-in out of guilt (hoping not to hurt any feelings); or fearing they will lose the friendship altogether. Sometimes a couple of friends decide that starting a romance together would be easier than going through all the work or risk it takes to initiate one with a complete stranger. Going through all the complications of dating unknowns and finding prospects.

The least successful transitions are initiated from having sex. Some unforeseen event, or intoxication, results in friends having sex. So it is assumed there is something more going on than friendship.

Time to grow-up. If he smiles, smile back. Let it go. Your beauty and how wonderful you are remains the same; with or without him. If he was a true friend, he knows exactly how great you are.

He took nothing from you, but you did grant him power over your feelings and emotions. You can easily take that back; when you realize being angry at him makes no difference to anyone one but you. Your anger will not punish, nor manipulate him. It is only exhausting you, making you feel uncomfortable, and killing your joy.

It will wear-off without even trying. It just takes time. Your subconscious-mind will succumb to the futility; and you'll just accept the reality of the situation. Plain and simple. Some cutie will come along and distract you!

You don't need his approval or validation. Once you get that into your head, you'll be fine. Jealousy that he's interested in other girls is the catalyst or fuel behind the anger. So refocus that energy and attention to yourself, and your studies.

Change schools if that's necessary; but it shouldn't be!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHoney, your biggest mistake here was (and I will quote you)

" I knew that he was dodgy but I wanted to change him "

You knew he was dodgy. I know that you are still very young, but this "relationship" was a good lesson for you and I will tell you why.

1. YOU can not change other people. The change has to come from them because THEY want to change - not because a GF/BF wants them to change.

2. Do EVER date a "fixer-upper" someone who you THINK could be a great guy if this he did or changed XYZ. No point in it.

3. DUMP a guy the MINUTE you find out he really IS dodgy.

4. You say he changed - he wasn't the nice guy who sat with you in the beginning. NOT TRUE. The guy you initially met and befriended was a facade. The guy who didn't want you to sit with his friend, who treated you like dirt, THAT is who he is. So GOOD for you in dumping him.

5. If a guy wants to keep your relationship a secret, then he is shady. People don't hide a relationship. They hide secrets and things they don't want others to see. So NEVER accept being a guy's "dirty secret".

Now back to your question. How do you get over the anger?

By accepting that you dated him for the wrong reasons but you DUMPED him for the right reasons. Because he is a piece of crap.

Chalk this up to a lesson. A mistake. We all make those. He was one of yours.

When you see him around campus IGNORE him. Don't react. And don't waste ANY MORE time beating yourself up for having dated a guy who really was a dodgy piece of crap. Enjoy the time at college REGARDLESS of this guy.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 February 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHold onto that last thought.

The guy is a player and a user. You already know you are better off without him. Luckily you saw through him early in the relationship.

The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. Next time you see him and he acknowledges you, smile your best smile and say "hi", then carry on walking. Pretend you are completely indifferent to what he put you through and, in time, you will actually believe it.

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